I Committed Sins and I Hate My Life
June 20, 2007
This question is answered by Wael Abdelgawad, Editor of AskBilqis.com Islamic Marriage Advice, and Zawaj.com Muslim Matrimonial Service.
QUESTION:
Dear Bilqis,
This may be very weird, because I have never told this to anyone before, but I feel very depressed. As a Muslim I know killing myself is the biggest sin a person can commit, but I feel like hurting myself. I am 20 years old female and I hate my life…
I need help, advice.. I’ve sinned a lot, maybe thats why I feel this way. Alhumdulillah I don’t drink and never will, no clubbing, no drugs, but I’ve had boyfriends that I went too far with. I’m a wreck, a shame to society. How can I get to the right path. Wondering if you may help me?
- Sister F. from England
WAEL ANSWERS:
Dear Sister F., As-Salamu alaykum wa rahmatullah,
First, Consult a Professional
As a sister pointed out in the comments below:
“One of the leading causes of suicide is from untreated and undiagnosed clinical mental illness. If you are depressed, and are truly suicidal, you should consult a psychiatrist or a primary care physician as soon as possible.”
So the first thing you should do is see your doctor and talk about the feelings you are having. Your doctor can refer you to someone who can help you deal with these feelings in an appropriate way.
Suicide is Not the Muslim Way
Now I want to talk about suicide from a religious perspective. Why do I get so many emails from young Muslims who talk about killing themselves? Where does this come from? I find this very frustrating, and I’m angry that our young Muslims today are being put in such difficult positions that they begin to harbor such thoughts.
To you young people who are experiencing difficulty in your lives, try to be strong and remind yourselves of all the wonderful things in life.
Remember, we are Muslims, we do not kill ourselves! That is not our way.
Suicide is the way of some kuffar who have nothing to turn to in this life, and nothing to look forward to in the aakhirah. Those are people who have built their lives on foundations of empty consumerism, mounting debt, drugs and alchohol, and other things that have no substance and do not comfort the soul.
We Muslims have the mercy and forgiveness of Allah on the one hand - Allah is always ready to forgive His repenting servants - and we have the awareness of Jannah and Jahannam (Paradise and Hell) on the other hand.
I think I will have to write a separate article on this subject, because I am getting these types of questions with too much frequency, and it indicates a fundamental lack of understanding among our young people about how to solve life problems, and about the nature of their relationships with Allah.
Tools for Changing Our Lives
In Islam we have many wonderful tools for changing our lives and renewing our commitment to faith. We have Tawbah (repentance) that can be performed anytime; the daily cleansing of salat; the powerful purification of Ramadan; and the life-changing spiritual renewal of the Hajj.
Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala does not restrict His interaction with humanity to making rules and punishing sinners. Allah is there at any time to hear our prayers, to offer us forgiveness and guidance, and to help us. When we have problems in life, we must turn to Allah and seek solace. Allah will help us and give us the strength and peace we need.
Sister F.’s 7-Point Plan for Change
So Sister F., I have gone on for several paragraphs without addressing your question specifically, but I hope you have understood that before anything else, you must put this idea of suicide out of your head. That is not our way as Muslims. We have many resources and solutions to our problems.
I will lay out a specific plan for you to follow in order to refresh your heart and renew your faith:
1. Tawbah. Yes, you have committed sins, just like every single human being on the face of the earth, except for the Prophets and Messengers. But we Muslims have a great gift, which is that we can cleanse ourselves through Tawbah. You must stop committing the sin right away, ask Allah for forgiveness, and resolve firmly not to do it again.
2. Salat. Start doing your salat. If you can’t manage five times a day, do as many as you can. If you don’t know how to do the salat, get a religious sister to teach you. Don’t worry right now about learning every aspect of Islam. Just focus on salat. Imagine that Allah is in front of you, and ask Him for forgiveness. Remember that the salat is a river in which you bathe five times every day, and it washes away your sins.
3. Ramadan. It’s not here yet, but it’s coming. Start getting yourself ready mentally and spiritually for Ramadan. Think of it as an opportunity to cleanse your soul and strengthen your spirit. Make a plan to spend your Ramadan as much as possible around people of strong faith who will support you.
4. Change Your Self-Image. You wrote, “I’m a wreck, a shame to society, I hate my life…” To change your life, you must change the way you think about yourself. When you tell yourself that you are a mess, a shame, etc, you are creating a destructive self-image that stops you from changing.
Try this: anytime you find yourself thinking negative thoughts about yourself, I want you to push the negative thoughts away and instead repeat these self-affirmations (write them down if necessary and carry them with you). I made up these affirmations based on Islamic principles. I have used them in the past for myself, and I have found them to be very effective:
- I am a Muslim. Islam is my faith and my cherished way of life. I choose Islam because it is beautiful and true. (You can also say the shahadah here).
- I am a believer in Allah (a mu’min). Allah is my guide and the One in whom I trust. (At this point you can praise Allah further and ask Him for strength and guidance).
- I am a good and worthwhile person. I have many good qualities, ma-sha-Allah. (At this point, name some of your good qualities).
- I have the power to change my life for the better, with Allah’s help.
- I thank Allah for all the blessings in my life. (At this point, name some of the blessings in your life and thank Allah for each one).
Say these affirmations out loud at least once every day, and if you can do them twice a day (once in the morning and once at night) that’s even better. Insert your name after you say “I”, so for example, if you name is Fatima, you would say, “I, Fatimah, am a Muslim.” Same for all the other points. Say them out loud, and mention your name.
Regarding point number three, some people might say, “But I have no good qualities.” That’s nonsense. Everyone has good qualities. Maybe you’re a loyal friend, maybe you’re kind to animals, maybe you’re a good cook or a good writer. The point is to always find something good to say about yourself.
Regarding point number five, the blessings that you name in your life could be big or small: good health, food to eat, the sunshine on your face, and of course Islam itself is the biggest blessing of all.
Perhaps this sounds like some kind of charm, but it’s not. It’s a way of changing your self-image by programming your subconscious with the beliefs that you want to have about yourself.
5. Change your Friends. This is important. You have to stop hanging around the men that you knew previously. You must cut off all contact with them and stop having men as friends and companions in any way. Even if you are not intimate with them, the problem is that one thing can lead to another. And if you have female friends who have boyfriends, stop hanging out with them as well.
If you know any sisters who are religious and supportive, get to know them and spend your time with them as much as possible. It will be difficult to change your life if you are still surrounded by people who live a sinful lifestyle.
6. Counseling. You need to see a counselor or therapist and talk out some of the feelings you are having. This will help you. If you are a student try your student health clinic, they always have a counselor on staff. If you are not a student you can try your public health clinic. If you can find a Muslim counselor, that would be great. You’re in the U.K. and I think there are a lot of certified Muslim counselors there. But a non-Muslim would be ok also.
7. Medication Only if Necessary. I’m hesitant to add this point, because I think people in the West rely far too often on medication as a way to address problems that are actually spiritual in nature. For Sister F., if your depression is something that you’ve experienced only recently as a result of your life choices, then the previous six points will be enough for you and you do not need any medication.
However, if your depression has been a long-term thing (months or years), and doesn’t seem related to your life circumstances, then it’s possible that you are clinically depressed and you may benefit from a depression medication, even if only temporarily. Your counselor or therapist should be qualified to assess this and refer you to someone if necessary.
If any readers have some additional advice for this questioner, feel free to post your comments below.
“(O Allah), Guide us to the straight path; The path of those whom you have favored; Not those with whom you are angry; Nor those who go astray.”
Best regards,
- Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Administrator
AskBilqis.com Islamic Marriage and Family Advice
ZAWAJ.COM Muslim Matrimonials and More!
Written by wael on June 20th, 2007 with
3 comments.
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Hana
#1. July 28th, 2007, at 5:49 AM.
Salaam’Alaikum
One of the leading causes of suicide is from untreated and undiagnosed clinical mental illness.
If you are depressed, and are truly suicidal, you should consult a psychiatrist or a primary care physician as soon as possible.
The majority of people who are suicidal are clinically depressed and require medication to function normally, and stabilize themselves. They lack the ability to control these types of thoughts becuase their thinking is distorted. The filter through which they view the world is flawed becuase of a chemical imbalance.
Faith may not always be enough for people are clinically depressed. This can actually become dangerous becuase they are bound to feel they have failed or are unloved by Allah which reinforces their depression.
Seek professional help.
www.coping.org