If I get divorced, what happens to our children? Which are my rights?
BismillahiRahmaniRaheem
I've been married with children for almost 10 years, and in the past few years my husband has increasingly spoken of his desire for multiple wives.
Yes, the Prophet SAW and the Sahabah RA had successful polygamous marriages (and yes even they had their problems e.g. jealousy amongst wives...)
I believe in and understand the right of Muslim men to have more than 1 wife.
I know the problems we have in modern society where men have affairs, secret marriages and fulfil their sexual desires in other, forbidden ways and I see how polygamous marriages - as long as they are carried out in the right way - can save society from this harm.
Polygamous marriages are not something done in my Muslim community, and Allah alone knows if and how many of these men are committing haraam secretly.
My husband didn't mention this before marriage, or early on in marriage and has recently on many many occasions spoken to me honestly and openly telling me he wants more than one wife in the future.
Alhamdulillah we are in a happy, stable marriage that doesn't lack anything in any department - my husband would raise it immediately if there was anything. I love my husband dearly, I waited my whole life to marry and be a faithful, loyal companion to my husband. I believe I am the most obedient wife in the world - I really do. Alhamdulillah I am healthy, attractive and without physical deformity and I have given birth to healthy, beautiful children MashaAllah, and I have made enormous changes in my character on his advices, that have benefitted me and my marriage.
When my husband raises the topic of polygamy, it puts a wedge between us, it creates distance between us and I feel deficient, that there is something missing in this marriage that makes him want another, I feel unloved, unattractive, unappreciated, betrayed.
I know Allah created men weak when it comes to their desires, but EVERY time my husband even *hints* his need I will drop absolutely everything to satisfy him. I can't understand WHY he wants more wives.
I can vividly imagine his 2nd, 3rd and 4th wives causing problems in my marriage, I know I will be jealous and suspicious and I am a person who likes to keep to herself - I can't 'share' my husband. I believe it to be something that will be harmful to me emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally.
He is already very busy and having more wives and their children will make him busier.
I believe my husband taking more wives will be detrimental to the harmony, love, peace and life we share.
I have told him all of this, telling him that I know and recognise his right to marry more, and I have also stated that him taking another wife will mean our marriage will end in divorce. I am not going to stop him from his rights but I am not prepared for and object to my husband taking more wives.
His opinion of this is that it's all emotional, there's no 'logic' behind it and that I should imagine being a 1st wife in a successful polygamous marriage.
If my husband in the future acts on his desire for more wives, and we get a divorce, what happens to our children? What are my rights?
JazakamullahuKhairun
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asalamu alaikum,
the mother has more right over the children, therefore you will be raising them as a single parent.
ma salama
JazakAllahuKhairun for your reply.
Salaams Sister
Sorry for the painful situation you are in.
You've mentioned that you'll are happily married for almost 10 years with children and there isn't anything missing in your marriage so why would he want another wife? Sister, did you ask your husband the reason for this?
My suggestion to you is before you consider divorce, reason with your husband first. I would give him the benefit of the doubt- at least he mentioned this to you instead of sneaking behind your back and getting married and you finding out after many years. He wants to know your opinion on this. Sister he needs to know that you are not willing to accept being in a polygamous marriage. If he marries then you are considering a divorce. Maybe you should sit him down and let him know this. Ask him if he is willing to sacrifice you and his children and 10 years of happiness for someone else. He should know that you are serious about this.
Polygamy in Islam is conditional, it is not compulsory. It is permitted to alleviate suffering, not to create it, and is therefore allowed if it is the only way of doing justice to orphaned children and if it can be achieved by treating all the wives equally. This in itself is a difficult task and Allah does His best to discourage men from taking this step lightly by reminding them that;
"Ye are never able to be fair and just as between women even if it is your ardent desire: but turn not away (from a woman) altogether so as to leave her (as it were) hanging (in the air). If ye come to a friendly understanding and practice self-restraint Allah is Oft- Forgiving Most Merciful. (Quran 4:129)
Polygamy is allowed for the benefit of society, not for the benefit of lustful men.
As far as your rights are concerned:
1. The mother has more right to custody of her children before the age of seven so long as she does not remarry, in which case the right passes to the one who is most entitled to that after her, because Ahmad and Abu Dawood narrated from ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Amr that a woman said: “O Messenger of Allaah, my womb was a vessel for this son of mine and my breasts gave him (milk) to drink, and my lap was a refuge for him, but now his father has divorced me and he wants to take him away from me.” The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to her: “You have more right to him so long as you do not remarry.” This hadeeth was classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood.
2.It is obligatory to allow the father to see his children and to ask how they are, whether they are in the custody of the mother or of someone else.
3.It should be noted that what is meant by custody is keeping and raising the child. Hence a person’s right to custody is lost if he is immoral and corrupt, or careless and heedless, or if he travels a great deal which will harm his children’s interests.
4.The parents should cooperate in this matter, and pay attention to the child’s interests, so that their disputes will not adversely affect the children.
Hope that helped
Rumaysa
BarakAllahuFiKi, Alhamdulillah I find great comfort and relief in your reply. I have explained everything to my husband and he understands my feelings on the matter. The issue recently came up and at the end of the discussion he said that he wouldn't jeopardise what we have, Alhamdulillah. My efforts now focus on being an excellent wife and avoiding giving him *any* excuse to bring it up again. If/When he does I believe the best course of action is to remain silent, as we've discussed and fallen out over the same discussions again and again.
JazakAllahuKhairun for your reply.
sorry madam, am really touched by ur story only dat Allah want it dat way as for me i cant allow my husband to marry a wife after me and i cant marry a man that has already married ....i pray dat Allah wud help u out
JazakAllahuKhairun, I feel much the same way only because I know I am a good and obedient wife who fulfils all my husband's rights without delay. Indeed what Allah has decreed will surely pass, I am happy with what Allah has decreed.
May Allah SWT make our husbands happy with us, make us sufficient for them and make us the coolness of their eyes, Ameen!
thats a good prayer ...