My husband constantly asks me to divorce him
Hi, I have a some issues that I need to learn answers to. I am a muslim convert. I converted to Islam in 2006 and got married to a Muslim man in 2007. The thing is, my husband, he flirts etc in front of my face with other women, however if another man should even LOOK at me or talk to me, I am instantly to blame.
Somehow if anyone looks at me it is my fault, how is this so? I cannot control somebody elses body movements, i cant send them some message thru my mind telling them not to look at me because then i will get in trouble with my husband and he will make it like im the one flaunting myself when all im doing is sitting there minding my own business.
Why did he marry such a pretty lady if he doesnt want people to admire his wife? He should have married sombody ugly so nobody takes any attention of them.
The major factor is this, my husband has asked me to divorce him, on many many many many occasions, i read somewhere that he only needs to say it 3 times for it to be true. Am i correct? what should i do? My husband is asking me to divorce him, if he is so unhappy, why wont HE divorce me? Why do i have to look like the culprit? He has asked me many many many times to divorce him, he wants to find a new wife, someone who can fit his "ideal perfect" wife, haha, good luck, nobody is perfect, I am trying my best to do as he pleases but its always as if its not good enough for him, or maybe he simply is unhappy and doesnt know why he got married in the first place.
What do i do? Do i grant my husband his wish and divorce him? But i thought in islam the wife cannot divorce the husband? Unless there is proof of abuse...... which i also happen to have if things turn ugly and i need to defend myself....
The thing is, i DO NOT WANT to get divorced, my own parents divorced when i was 5 years old, to this day the memory of my father driving down the road and not coming back is still fresh in my mind. I am trying my best to not do this to my own two daughters (they are both below 3 yrs old),. i so badly want them to grow up with a secure family surrounding, but its not happening, instead they are witnessing us fighting, my husband swearing, and even slapping me in front of them!
Oh im so hopeless and need some kind of guidance! I have no friends to talk to, no friends, i have lost contact with all my school buddies as was demanded by my husband. why doesnt he just lock me in a box n throw away the key. I feel like i have no life. im just here doing a robotic job of looking after HIS babies. did i marry the wrong man? I have this bad sinking feeling in the bottom of my tummy that i think i made the worst mistake in my life, i married the wrong man didnt i? I don't know. i'm very lost and confused and i cant pray at the moment as i have my monthly period, so im dying of agony, i so badly want to pray for Allah's guidance, i guess i have to wait till it ends...
Help me before its too late !
Thank you very much.
Aleeyana Abdullah Coventry
Sister Noorah's Answer:
Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim
Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah
My dear, you are in an abusive marriage, plain and simple. You will need all your strength to get through this, but armed with Islam, you can do so.
Prophet Muhammad, may Allah's peace and blessings be upon him, always told men to treat their wives kindly. It was such an important topic that he repeated it in his final sermon:
O People, it is true that you have certain rights with regard to your women but they also have rights over you. Remember that you have taken them as your wives only under Allah's trust and with His permission. If they abide by your right, then to them belongs the right to be fed and clothed in kindness. Do treat your women well and be kind to them for they are your partners and committed helpers. And it is your right that they do not make friends with anyone of whom you do not approve, as well as never to be unchaste. O People, listen to me in earnest, worship Allah, say your five daily prayers, fast during the month of Ramadhan, and give your wealth in Zakat. Perform Hajj if you can afford to.
He mentions kindness to spouses in the same paragraph, and BEFORE, the injunction to pray andfast and give zakah. So this is a huge responsibility and a binding instruction to the men of the believers.
Being a child of divorce, I know that you want to try to keep your marriage together, but you do no service to yourself or your little girls if you let them grow up seeing you be abused. If he is verbally abusing you now, and even slapping you, then it is almost guaranteed that this will escalate to even greater physical abuse. If your little girls see this, then it is very likely that when they grow up, they will repeat this pattern and enter into abusive relationships themselves.
Did you marry the wrong man? It seems obvious you did. As a very new Muslimah, I'm sure you did not know all of your rights in the marriage, and you were not able to really investigate this man in the proper way before marriage. It is very common for convert women to be pressured by the community into marrying the first "decent" single guy who comes along, and even the other men in the community may have no idea that he is abusive, or they themselves do not understand that abuse is wrong so they cover up his deeds.
I advise you to get out now, before you end up in the emergency room or worse. He has tried to control you by making you feel like an unworthy non-person, cutting you off from all outside contact so that he is your only influence in life. This is a classic sign of an abusive controller. IT WILL NOT GET BETTER. You should go, now, even if you feel you have no money and nowhere to go. If you can go back with family, even if they are not Muslim and don't approve of Islam, this is the best option as long as they are not abusive and don't interfere too much while you are getting back on your feet. If the Muslim community has a decent record on helping abuse victims, you can turn to them. It is an unfortunate truth that many communities are not enlightened in dealing with this issue and simply recommend a woman "pray and stay". This is short-sighted and wrong. Even if you have to go to a non-Muslim shelter in the short term, this is better than staying in an abusive marriage.
Life will be rough, very rough, for a while, some months or even a year or two. But if you stay in this marriage, it will only increase your misery, and it will damage your faith and even Allah forbid, cause you to perhaps dislike Islam because you might mistakenly think Islam teaches that you must endure abuse.
Tell your husband that he should pronounce a divorce on you and get it over with. If he refuses, you can get a legal divorce and then go to the mosque and seek a woman-initiated divorce, or khula', for abuse. If the Muslim community for some reason does not cooperate, then you can simply go to where you can be safe and then get advice on how to obtain the khula' from a nationally recognized organization such as ISNA or ICNA.
I implore you to do what you need to do to develop a healthy life for you and your girls. Yes, divorce is the most hated of the permissible things in Islam, but what he is doing is completely forbidden and he is depriving you of your rights. In many cases, I would advise staying around and trying to have other men or the Imaam counsel him to try to get him to alter his behavior, but according to what you say, I truly fear for your safety if you continue in this marriage. May Allah protect you and your daughters and give you the strength to do the right thing for your sake and for theirs, Ameen.
Please write us back and keep us updated on what is going on. We are praying for you to be well and inshAllah you can, in time, overcome this severe test in your life.
Fi Aman Allah,
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