Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband constantly asks me to divorce him

jealousy green eyes %photo

How to deal with jealousy?

Question:

Hi, I have a some issues that I need to learn answers to. I am a muslim convert. I converted to Islam in 2006 and got married to a Muslim man in 2007. The thing is, my husband, he flirts etc in front of my face with other women, however if another man should even LOOK at me or talk to me, I am instantly to blame.

Somehow if anyone looks at me it is my fault, how is this so? I cannot control somebody elses body movements, i cant send them some message thru my mind telling them not to look at me because then i will get in trouble with my husband and he will make it like im the one flaunting myself when all im doing is sitting there minding my own business.

Why did he marry such a pretty lady if he doesnt want people to admire his wife? He should have married sombody ugly so nobody takes any attention of them.

The major factor is this, my husband has asked me to divorce him, on many many many many occasions, i read somewhere that he only needs to say it 3 times for it to be true. Am i correct? what should i do? My husband is asking me to divorce him, if he is so unhappy, why wont HE divorce me? Why do i have to look like the culprit? He has asked me many many many times to divorce him, he wants to find a new wife, someone who can fit his "ideal perfect" wife, haha, good luck, nobody is perfect, I am trying my best to do as he pleases but its always as if its not good enough for him, or maybe he simply is unhappy and doesnt know why he got married in the first place.

What do i do? Do i grant my husband his wish and divorce him? But i thought in islam the wife cannot divorce the husband? Unless there is proof of abuse...... which i also happen to have if things turn ugly and i need to defend myself....

The thing is, i DO NOT WANT to get divorced, my own parents divorced when i was 5 years old, to this day the memory of my father driving down the road and not coming back is still fresh in my mind. I am trying my best to not do this to my own two daughters (they are both below 3 yrs old),. i so badly want them to grow up with a secure family surrounding, but its not happening, instead they are witnessing us fighting, my husband swearing, and even slapping me in front of them!

Oh im so hopeless and need some kind of guidance! I have no friends to talk to, no friends, i have lost contact with all my school buddies as was demanded by my husband. why doesnt he just lock me in a box n throw away the key. I feel like i have no life. im just here doing a robotic job of looking after HIS babies. did i marry the wrong man? I have this bad sinking feeling in the bottom of my tummy that i think i made the worst mistake in my life, i married the wrong man didnt i? I don't know. i'm very lost and confused and i cant pray at the moment as i have my monthly period, so im dying of agony, i so badly want to pray for Allah's guidance, i guess i have to wait till it ends...

Help me before its too late !

Thank you very much.

Regards
Aleeyana Abdullah Coventry
Brunei Darussalam.

Sister Noorah's Answer:

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

My dear, you are in an abusive marriage, plain and simple. You will need all your strength to get through this, but armed with Islam, you can do so.

Prophet Muhammad, may Allah's peace and blessings be upon him, always told men to treat their wives kindly. It was such an important topic that he repeated it in his final sermon:

O People, it is true that you have certain rights with regard to your women but they also have rights over you. Remember that you have taken them as your wives only under Allah's trust and with His permission. If they abide by your right, then to them belongs the right to be fed and clothed in kindness. Do treat your women well and be kind to them for they are your partners and committed helpers. And it is your right that they do not make friends with anyone of whom you do not approve, as well as never to be unchaste. O People, listen to me in earnest, worship Allah, say your five daily prayers, fast during the month of Ramadhan, and give your wealth in Zakat. Perform Hajj if you can afford to.

He mentions kindness to spouses in the same paragraph, and BEFORE, the injunction to pray andfast and give zakah. So this is a huge responsibility and a binding instruction to the men of the believers.

Being a child of divorce, I know that you want to try to keep your marriage together, but you do no service to yourself or your little girls if you let them grow up seeing you be abused. If he is verbally abusing you now, and even slapping you, then it is almost guaranteed that this will escalate to even greater physical abuse. If your little girls see this, then it is very likely that when they grow up, they will repeat this pattern and enter into abusive relationships themselves.

Did you marry the wrong man? It seems obvious you did. As a very new Muslimah, I'm sure you did not know all of your rights in the marriage, and you were not able to really investigate this man in the proper way before marriage. It is very common for convert women to be pressured by the community into marrying the first "decent" single guy who comes along, and even the other men in the community may have no idea that he is abusive, or they themselves do not understand that abuse is wrong so they cover up his deeds.

I advise you to get out now, before you end up in the emergency room or worse. He has tried to control you by making you feel like an unworthy non-person, cutting you off from all outside contact so that he is your only influence in life. This is a classic sign of an abusive controller. IT WILL NOT GET BETTER. You should go, now, even if you feel you have no money and nowhere to go. If you can go back with family, even if they are not Muslim and don't approve of Islam, this is the best option as long as they are not abusive and don't interfere too much while you are getting back on your feet. If the Muslim community has a decent record on helping abuse victims, you can turn to them. It is an unfortunate truth that many communities are not enlightened in dealing with this issue and simply recommend a woman "pray and stay". This is short-sighted and wrong. Even if you have to go to a non-Muslim shelter in the short term, this is better than staying in an abusive marriage.

Life will be rough, very rough, for a while, some months or even a year or two. But if you stay in this marriage, it will only increase your misery, and it will damage your faith and even Allah forbid, cause you to perhaps dislike Islam because you might mistakenly think Islam teaches that you must endure abuse.

Tell your husband that he should pronounce a divorce on you and get it over with. If he refuses, you can get a legal divorce and then go to the mosque and seek a woman-initiated divorce, or khula', for abuse. If the Muslim community for some reason does not cooperate, then you can simply go to where you can be safe and then get advice on how to obtain the khula' from a nationally recognized organization such as ISNA or ICNA.

I implore you to do what you need to do to develop a healthy life for you and your girls. Yes, divorce is the most hated of the permissible things in Islam, but what he is doing is completely forbidden and he is depriving you of your rights. In many cases, I would advise staying around and trying to have other men or the Imaam counsel him to try to get him to alter his behavior, but according to what you say, I truly fear for your safety if you continue in this marriage. May Allah protect you and your daughters and give you the strength to do the right thing for your sake and for theirs, Ameen.

Please write us back and keep us updated on what is going on. We are praying for you to be well and inshAllah you can, in time, overcome this severe test in your life.

Fi Aman Allah,

Noorah,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com


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18 Responses »

  1. hi how are you? ok im runnin late for work so il get to the point :( . for a relationship to work it needs to be done from both partys. the way it seems to me he doesnt care bout you, and you understand this very well. you said my husband swearing, and even slapping me in front of them? no mother in there right mind would want there chldren to grow up in that enviroment.
    so why are you still there? is it cos you love to be abused? cos it certainly looks like that from here. i understand your parents seperated when you was 5yr old but that doesnt mean you will be the same. you said your a pretty lady right? and with your carin nature i am pretty sure you will find another brother who will take good care of you.

    i believe every woman deserves to be loved and adored.......

    in islam if the man aint giving the wife her rights then it is permissle to seek divorce.

    peace................

  2. Assalamualaikum.

    It was really hard having situation as i can say coz somehow we are on the same boat. But as per my opinion, we were given the trials and its our choice...as i have read in the quran, the wife must always have patience regarding the husband,,it was very hard but each patience we are having, we are being rewarded for it..just remember that we are passing in this world and it will depend on where we will be after all. paradise or hell...

    please just always make dua for you to overcome this trials..for Allah to guide you and give you more faith..and after you have done all the best that you can, through Allah's will,,either you will stay with him or go separate ways...you will be guided...

    most of us wives have different trials regarding our husband..and we are most likely hit with other girl's issues..because this is a test for us...just pray that your husband be guided and thankful that Allah he gave him a beautiful wife...and the most thing is the beautiful heart...inshaallah we all have..

    fatima

  3. Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

    Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

    My dear, you are in an abusive marriage, plain and simple. You will need all your strength to get through this, but armed with Islam, you can do so.

    Prophet Muhammad, may Allah's peace and blessings be upon him, always told men to treat their wives kindly. It was such an important topic that he repeated it in his final sermon:

    O People, it is true that you have certain rights with regard to your women but they also have rights over you. Remember that you have taken them as your wives only under Allah's trust and with His permission. If they abide by your right, then to them belongs the right to be fed and clothed in kindness. Do treat your women well and be kind to them for they are your partners and committed helpers. And it is your right that they do not make friends with anyone of whom you do not approve, as well as never to be unchaste. O People, listen to me in earnest, worship Allah, say your five daily prayers, fast during the month of Ramadhan, and give your wealth in Zakat. Perform Hajj if you can afford to.

    He mentions kindness to spouses in the same paragraph, and BEFORE, the injunction to pray andfast and give zakah. So this is a huge responsibility and a binding instruction to the men of the believers.

    Being a child of divorce, I know that you want to try to keep your marriage together, but you do no service to yourself or your little girls if you let them grow up seeing you be abused. If he is verbally abusing you now, and even slapping you, then it is almost guaranteed that this will escalate to even greater physical abuse. If your little girls see this, then it is very likely that when they grow up, they will repeat this pattern and enter into abusive relationships themselves.

    Did you marry the wrong man? It seems obvious you did. As a very new Muslimah, I'm sure you did not know all of your rights in the marriage, and you were not able to really investigate this man in the proper way before marriage. It is very common for convert women to be pressured by the community into marrying the first "decent" single guy who comes along, and even the other men in the community may have no idea that he is abusive, or they themselves do not understand that abuse is wrong so they cover up his deeds.

    I advise you to get out now, before you end up in the emergency room or worse. He has tried to control you by making you feel like an unworthy non-person, cutting you off from all outside contact so that he is your only influence in life. This is a classic sign of an abusive controller. IT WILL NOT GET BETTER. You should go, now, even if you feel you have no money and nowhere to go. If you can go back with family, even if they are not Muslim and don't approve of Islam, this is the best option as long as they are not abusive and don't interfere too much while you are getting back on your feet. If the Muslim community has a decent record on helping abuse victims, you can turn to them. It is an unfortunate truth that many communities are not enlightened in dealing with this issue and simply recommend a woman "pray and stay". This is short-sighted and wrong. Even if you have to go to a non-Muslim shelter in the short term, this is better than staying in an abusive marriage.

    Life will be rough, very rough, for a while, some months or even a year or two. But if you stay in this marriage, it will only increase your misery, and it will damage your faith and even Allah forbid, cause you to perhaps dislike Islam because you might mistakenly think Islam teaches that you must endure abuse.

    Tell your husband that he should pronounce a divorce on you and get it over with. If he refuses, you can get a legal divorce and then go to the mosque and seek a woman-initiated divorce, or khula', for abuse. If the Muslim community for some reason does not cooperate, then you can simply go to where you can be safe and then get advice on how to obtain the khula' from a nationally recognized organization such as ISNA or ICNA.

    I implore you to do what you need to do to develop a healthy life for you and your girls. Yes, divorce is the most hated of the permissible things in Islam, but what he is doing is completely forbidden and he is depriving you of your rights. In many cases, I would advise staying around and trying to have other men or the Imaam counsel him to try to get him to alter his behavior, but according to what you say, I truly fear for your safety if you continue in this marriage. May Allah protect you and your daughters and give you the strength to do the right thing for your sake and for theirs, Ameen.

    Please write us back and keep us updated on what is going on. We are praying for you to be well and inshAllah you can, in time, overcome this severe test in your life.

    Fi Aman Allah,

    Noorah,
    Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

    • I agree. What did the trick for me was this: "they are witnessing us fighting, my husband swearing, and even slapping me in front of them!"

      If it was just arguments and jealousy, I would say, "See a counselor and try to improve your marriage." But when the husband is physically abusing the wife in front of the children, that is an intolerable situation. No one should accept that or put up with it. She should get out right away and take the children with her.

  4. divorce is no joke.doing it is serious.saying it dont always mean u mean it,by what u say cant u see the guy is giving u a wake up call but u just so selfish thinking u r ooo so wonderful.by saying divorce me he means change for me.dear even my man gets so jealous when a guy look at me but when he looks at other women it suppose to mean nothing haha ya right i get sooo jealous! but why must i let my jealousy control me? no way im not that stupid,so he looks at that women and i get jealous thats it i dont go all crazy and mad whats the use? i am his wife anyway not them.but i understand if a man loves u he lets his jealousy control him i dont mean in one way there are many ways.if he did not love u he would not care.so why divorce? haha u will be the loser coz u giving shaytaan what he wants.yes your mouth is big now but later u will understand and say it did not have to be this way i wish i could go back.your husband is your husband that itself is a treasure even if you dont love him.

  5. If you divorce, he gets the kids. He is an abusive man no matter what religion he may be. He may try to use those children to hurt you & indirectly, them. I was in an abusive marriage for 20 years. I tried to leave but was physically forced to stay. I became afraid & just did whatever I had to do as to not "upset the apple cart." I decided for the sake of my children, I should stay in the marriage & deal with it. I felt I would at least keep some balance in my childrens' lives by trying to maintain our home. I studied my religion & occupied myself with anything that could not be used against me by him. I lost my friends as you have, but they are not truly lost. They are probably just avoiding him.

    My children were 15 & 18 when I finally left him. While those were very difficult years, I feel now that my sacrifice was worth it, in that my children are actually very decent young adults. I will add, out of fear that my children would pick up his abusive behaviorisms, I did teach them & reinforce that his behavior was not acceptable & that he had internal issues to overcome & that by being his family we had to tolerate this & learn from it.

    You may also contact your local women's shelter to find a counselor or group to attend for additional support. I still attend private group sessions & there are Muslim women in my group very sad & regrettful to not be living with their children anymore. I wish you well.

  6. Asalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu!

    Dear sister Aleeyna,

    It is april 6th today so I hope its not too late before you read this seeing that you made the post in march. Sister, I know that the reply was telling you that you are in an abusive Marriage however you are still in a marriage with a muslim man and there is always ways to work on your marriage Inshallah. Allah swt does not like divorce so resort to other options and leave the rest to Allah swt. You have 2 beautiful children with this man so its worth working on it to see what the outcome is. There are ways in which you can make your husband love you and not look outside his home at other womans. For eg. Beautiful yourself in adornment and serve him his favourite food and making his home a beautiful place to be. This will make him eager to come home everyday just to be in his relaxation environment. Please dont give up, i know the other responses may be negative towards your husband but after all Allah swt holds the key to the heart and can turn remove all obstacles.

    Marriage in islam is half your deen so think carefully before you throw it away - you could be throwing away something that was keeping you from doing alot of haram!

    God bless you sister and always remember to seek Allah swt's help and work on your marriage.

  7. Salam sis may Allah be with all of us and grant us the hannah for having patience.
    I myself am in exactly the same situation, my husband verbally and physically abuses me in front of my daughters an constantly tells me to divorce him so he can go and find his ideal woman (anyone but me). I'm going through such a hard time trying to fix my marriage and avoid a divorce but he's making it impossible so I don't know what to do myself so I guess what I'm trying to say is I know what you are going through and may Allah give us the solution soon allahu el musta3an wala yawls wa la qowata ila billah

    • Allah(swt) has already given you the solution and I think you know what this is.

      You need to find the courage to carry it out InshaAllah.

      So ask Allah for courage and approach the right people, let them help you set up the right support system for you so you are physically and mentally protected from this abusive man as much as possible. Then take those vital and necessary steps to improve the life and mental well being of yourself and your children. Allah has already given you that right.

      I am referring to 'separation'.

      Only when you are away from this man long enough can you start to think clearly about your betterment. If you are so keen on staying with this abusive man, see if he changes while you have separated from him. I am sure he won't, or he will just pretend to have changed. If you decide to go back, what will be going back to? More abuse?

      Come on sisters - please. The idea that women are weak defenseless submissive beings is from culture. Women are allowed to speak up, we are allowed to make choices and we are loved by Allah as much as men are.

      Please try to stand up for yourself. The help is out there if only you just allow others to help you.
      Allah will never change the condition of a people unless they change what is within themselves.

      May Allah help you and make this easy for you,
      SisterZ

  8. salam sister

    im in the same sort of situation
    email me

  9. wat if the wife is desperatet for a divorce?

  10. Assalamualaikum Sister Aleeyana,

    First of all, I actually come across this post while doing research on inter-religious marriage. As I can see the date of this post was happen last year. So for now I hope and pray that you have manage to get it sorted out. Thats the best that I can do. At the same time I felt sorry and sad to hear about the problems that you were facing. At the same time I would like to congratulate you for being strong in faith and look for the solution through Islamic approach. And it is not too late to welcome you as our new sisters. Alhamdulillah.

    Human relation can be very complicated, that is why Islam has drawn the line for mankind on how man and woman should act in terms of socialization. Because Allah The All Knowing, knows His creature very well. That is why the rules was made for us to prevent any complication.

    Before I go on further, I would like you to know that I'm not trying to judge on the whole situation. For now I have read your problems and I believe you. So based on what you have said as a Muslim Man, I felt very sad to hear about how your husband being unreasonable with you. Plus, Allah dislikes divorce. And by knowing your husband is a Muslim, he should be the last person to behave in such manner. As a husband, he 's head of family he's main duties to protect his family and leading them to the right teaching of Islam. He knew that you're and need more guidance in terms of religious knowledge. That will be one of his main duties besides that protect and shelter the family.

    I have met and handle few couples who having this kind of situation. Before you do anything you must realize, taking action by following your emotion and anger is not a best option. The best way, to remained calm at all time. Plus, I believe you know that Allah not only loves but also close to those who is patience. Second, Du'a. I hate to say this, but we sometimes underestimate the act of Du'a. As we know that Du'a is a secret weapon for every believers. Du'a does not restrict only after Solat. We can say our prayer at anytime anywhere. Allah is all knowing. He is there anytime we need Him. So keep the act of Du'a in anything everything and anytime anywhere. Even a tiny doubt or problems you have say your prayer. You dont have to say it outloud, inside will do. So keep remind your self the first one you should turn to is Allah regardless in happiness or sadness.

    The word of divorce must be used carefully for the husband and wife especially the Husband cos talak is in the hand of the husband. By mocking and asking you to ask for a divorce is a total nonsense and I believe is from the act of arrogance driven by a big ego when he in the first place has no intention to divorcing you. Its logical, if he really want to divorce he doesnt have to ask you to ask him since he can just say it himself. But he didnt, his action was only to scare you off. It is true the power of divorce is in the hand of the husband but not all the time. Allah is fair, the rules is also fair. There are circumstances where the wife can revoke that clause. So this matter is not for playing. It should be handle more carefully. If the situation where both of you can be calm and speak wisely with open heart and mind, then that will be better. It is possible if you and your husband is aware that Allah is the judge on all matters. He is all seeing. So if you and your husband didnt forget that Allah is always see and hears everything, I believe both of you may sit down and speak and discuss wisely Insya Allah. But let say if its not possible, let say its get out of control then please seek help from the people of Shariah. They will arrange meeting for both of you and listen to every single details and refer to the Sunnah and Quran for the best solution.

    And another thing, the unreasonable of your husband is NOT a license for you to go on strike. Same goes for the husband. Just because of one person not carrying their responsibilities it doesnt mean we dont have to carry our own duties. We must carry on our own responsibilities.There is a way to handle the situation which is hard for me to explain it all here. You may drop me an email if you wish to speak about it. and that will be easier for me to explain.

    There are more for me to say, but I think thats all for now. If you have any concern you may let me know or any of your trustees. And as I said earlier, I hope that you already manage to get this problem sorted out. I pray and hope for the best for both you and your husband and as well your children.

    Salam,

    A. Iskandr

  11. Oh another thing, regarding are you married a wrong man? Did you even think of that when you marry him? You see, there are so many things that is beyond our understanding. It is big, knowledge of Allah is very big and He is all knowing whats behind and infront of us.

    If I ask you now; who is the most important people in your life? I believe your answer now will be your children. So you love you children and they mean everything to you. Without your husband, you wont get them. Yea, it is true if you marry another guy you may get children as well, but you wont get the same children that you having right now. The question is will you substitute your children for another? I believe your answer is no because your children is all that matter. No person can substitute another person.

    Not all marriage can last forever. Thats destiny. But even if marriage did not work out, that doesnt mean everything is just failed. If you going to say that you marry a wrong man, that means you having a wrong children. So dont and please take that away from your mind. I dont know what is the current situation and I wont assume, but all I want to tell you that you're not marrying a wrong man because that man have given you something that you cant get from any other man: that is your children.

    Please dont get misunderstood, I do not agree for things he have done such as being abusive; that is wrong. And I never agree on that kind of act. What Im trying to say do not have any regret on whatever happens. You see nothing can happen without will of Allah. He make you marry your husband so that you can have your children now. So that is not you mistake. Even if the marriage didnt last (God Forbid) that was because the man was sent to you to give you the most amazing gift that is your children. So do not feel any regrets. Regret means not able to accept the fate, and that act could lead to sins.

    Seek guidance from Allah, and Du'a is very important. Again I hope that everything goes on smoothly there and I pray for the best for you and your family.

  12. Hi hunny how r you, You have two beautiful daughters, and you want to make sure you do everything and your certain when you walk out of his house that you will never regert, and you will walk out with a smile on your face.... if you walk out with any anger in you that means you still love him

    Try to please him more, and make him feel that he is the only man you want to be with
    When he comes home, make dinner watch a movie and give him his space.......
    i'm sure he will realize after a while that you truly love him and he will regert treating you bad inside he doesnt have to tell u but u will know from his eyes and his actions. dont ever allow him to get too angery to disrespect u...... when u know he's about to get angery and yell, just walk away to your room and talk to him when he's calm

    hope everything works out for u ........ divorce is not fun and doesnt mean if u marry someone else he will be any better man are man their all not perfect.

  13. Salam dear sister,
    i just read ur question and b4 i cud finish i was gasping for air. I felt the anger and enormous pain in it. Im not an expert nor do i know ur husband so i wont try to sound like a psycho analyst but take my advice on this one. More or less all men thrive on their woman's insecurity in marriage (no offence to brothers here). My father threatened my mum so did my husband and my bro in law ( hubby's bro). Just one trick works. Tell him to take a hike coz u dont care. Avoid getting into arguments with him. U know he is abusive so each time he will feel defeated by u the first thing he'll do is try to defeat u physically. U both know u cant win in that game so its best u dont argue when he is really mad.
    the best thing is...that u know ur priorities. Ur daughters, below 3, who need u and are probably the best thing that ever hapnd to u. But sister r u sure this is the best thing for them? Becoz raising a child or children in a voilent environment will destroy their personality completly. They will grow up into timid women with very low or no self.esteem. If he is absolutely unbearable and if u have an option get the divorce.and move out with the babies. If ur family is not strong or supportive then plz.dont take that step. Ur mental state is weak and u and both ur kids could get easily exploited as a fragile prey. Sister i assume that u r very attractive to look at and ur husband is insecure to the extent that he is sure that u will sooner or later dump him for another.man so he is actually treating the hypothetical situation as a certainty and is angered by the thought. In short he is taking revenge for something u have not even done yet.
    such insecurity exists in women as well and pppl who suffer from them, somehow drive their spouses away. Calm down sister. Turn to Allah. If u r not a hijabi, adopt the hijabi lifestyle. Stop adorning urself with makeup and stuff when u r going out with or without him. Dress up and look as glam as u want when he.is home. Give him compliments for his looks (even if he is ugly ) or if he has any talents. Tell him u love him and u wana start all fresh. Use ur kids to draw him closer to u. Make them draw and pain happy pictures of ur family and pin it in their room. Or write sweet notes to him.Keep ur children neat and well dressed all the time.. I know that sounds stupid but it works with some men. Pray 5 times daily. Read the tasbeeh ya wadood. Its Allah's (swt) name, it means the most compassionate. U will c its effect on ur relationship as well. When he will c ur piety in sha allah he will change for good. Try to avoid the divorce sister. Avoid it as much as u can. It is the only halal thing that Allah (swt) hates the most but if u must then dont force it to yell it 3 times it doesnt work thay way. There is a procedure. Its not true cant take divorce. Ask an islamic scholar about khula.
    May allah give u the strength and bring the 2 of u close. This is shaitans favourite job. He loves to seperate husband and wife. Take care sister. Stay strong. My prayers r with u.

    • Masha Allah nice advice sister "apple green". Jazak Allah for your kind words full of wisdom, kindness and maturity:).

      Muhammad1982,
      Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

  14. Salaam Brother and sisters....I am a sister who needs your advice....

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