Does he want me or a visa?
About 15 months ago I met a charming man from Morocco online. We had so much in common, seemed to get along great & shared a lot of the same values. We discussed everything freely. We were simply comfortable like we were friends our entire life. For me, it seemed like I was in love after our first conversation. We have spoken almost everyday thereafter.
Of course he is Muslim and after educating myself on the religion, I have made it my personal choice to convert. It just makes so much more sense to me then the religion I grew up with. When I told him of course he was pleased, considering I made this decision alone.
About 5 months into the relationship he asked me to marry him. I was so completely infatuated with him that I didn't hesitate to accept. After being married 13 yrs to a man that was abusive in every way, I never thought I could/wanted to love again. I have shared this past with my fiance in full. Mostly to help him understand certain things about me so never to make the same mistakes. But over the last 6 months or so things with him have changed. Being fully aware of how much I despised the way my ex-husband treated me, he has come to do the same in many ways. Constant arguing over the smallest issues or turning my words around into something hurtful. Even the smallest things I do (or don't do) get blown out of proportion. It only makes me feel like I am always wrong in any situation. It's degrading really.
I have a lot going on in my life here (USA). So plans to visit have come and gone. More then once. With all the problems we've encountered, his declaration of marriage never fades. The feeling that this was all too good to be true gets stronger daily. I'm sure at one point his feelings & intentions were sincere. Now? I'm only discouraged by how uninterested he seems. Until a few months ago we would connect every morning and night. Now, suddenly he has to leave everyday by a certain time. For what? I'm usually told something different everyday but always at the same time. No matter how many multiple times I've asked, I never see photos of him while he is out yet demands it of me. The last time he did was Jan. 2011. He doesn't call like he used to or even text. Some times he doesn't even connect leaving me with no word of his safety. He NEVER used to be like this with me. Our relationship was always a priority to him. His sincere devotion to me is fading with the exception of him being determined to marry me. I have taken notice to this and have mentioned it to him. I have even offered for us to take a "break" to see if this is what he (we) truly wants. It only caused more problems and he went as far as telling me, multiple times, that he could not & would not live without me. In other words he would kill himself. At first I didn't care if he was serious about his threat or not. I was only sure I couldn't live if something happened to him. I think he realized this. Therefore the threats to hurt himself, whenever the subject comes up, haven't stopped.
I have become so full of doubt. Not only with these characteristic changes but also after reading all the blogs about marriage fraud. More specifically with Moroccan men & women in the US, UK & Canada. I fear my relationship will end only with me being statistic... Another naive American woman scammed into marrying someone that only wanted a visa.
I know this must sound foolish to some but I am so in love with this man and want nothing more then to remain happy and safe. Even if it means leaving him because my doubts are too strong. I won't risk being hurt again.
Suggestions please!!! What I should say to him regarding his behavior, how/if I should question that he is only with me for a visa or even how I can end it gracefully. Any suggestions or guidance is appreciated.
~Chris
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Dear Chris,
I am originally moroccan born in Europe, and many (for not saying all) moroccan in morocco try to get à way out from povrety, misery, inemployement in morocco. This is their dream, even to get marries with a 80 years old women, those peuple they would do it believe me. In morocco, in any club, hôtel, u can see young guys having slow dance or having a coffee with much older women proposing mariage, insurre them they dont care of not having kids in future. Once they get their visa, they show their indifférence,their real character. I can see that hé noticed how much you are attached to him, so he thinks he has got you. Your sixth sens flet he changed to you.
he threaten that he would kill himself, of course hé would do whatever for keeping thé mariage plan.
If you continue with him, you will see more changes. Its not his first time, but hé previously failed, this is why hé is not showing you photos. Dont trust him. Tell him you want to live in morocco or in asia but not in USA, see what he will say, but keep this version for while, so hé doesnt think u are testing him. Unfortunatly they are genuis.
But your bc doesnt see to be so genious, he could not resist, he started changing , he is sûre hé ll get his target.
Dont trust him. Believe me.
I think you didnt mention it in your post.. But if they guy is younger than you, then there are high chances that what you are fearing might be true. Being i guy, if i suppose that what you have written about his attitude and behavior towards you is true, then my opinion about that guy is not good.
We can only advise you to be careful, and somehow i like the idea proposed in above post. You should test him by saying something which give him idea that after marriage he wont be in USA.. but your statements should be very intelligent. I wish you best of luck
Salaam sister, the answer to your question is simple, pray salat-ul-istikhara and let Allah guide you, for he is the all-knowing, and whatever the outcome you can be at ease that you are making the right decision. their is a link at the top of this site which explains how to offer the prayer, however if you do not understand then please dont hesitate to ask, i will assist you with any problem.
Don't trust him!!! If he truly loved u, he would have the decency to keep you updates on his where abouts and not change his attitude. those are clear RED FLAGS! Infactuation and love is not enough to keep a marriage going.
If you're already having doubts online, what's it going to be like once married? Write him an email saying you guys need time apart for a week or two and that if he really loves Allah (swt) he won't kill himself. Then use that time to assess where you are and how you feel.
But do I understand it right in that you two only have a 15 month online relationship and have never physically met? Why?
Please, run away from this man as if he had he plague. It doesn't matter what his motivation is. If his actions are causing you this kind of pain, what you are feeling is not love. What you are feeling is wanting an escape into love from you past disappointments in love, a desire to be loved, a misguided wish to "help" this man, and a desire to know the truth, now that he has caused you doubt. This is not love. Love is not like this and it's not worth your time. Put your emotions aside and look at this situation as it really is.
You will never know his true motivation. If he wants to kill himself, that's up to him. Trying to manipulate you into guilt over that is fiendish, and I would tell him that if you can. If he is willing to kill himself because he's not getting what he wants (you're unsure of what that is - you or a green card), what does that say about him as a person? If you are willing to "love" this person at all costs, what does that say about you?
Pray on your knees to Allah to help you extricate yourself and your emotions from this problem. I really feel your pain and confusion, but now is the time for seeing that he doesn't love you and you are not his therapist. By the way, tell him to pray too.
Please tell him