Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Does My Husband Love His Other Wife More?

Cold heart, emotionless, cold husband, husband doesnt care

Cold hearted

I have been married for 10yrs, My husband married another woman 7yrs ago in his country and that's where she lives and he only sees her every 2 to 3 yrs. He has told me so much about her about when he took her virginity what she did and told me she was better then me, a better mother. Im very hurt and over the yrs he told me that he just said that stuff and made lies just to teach me a lesson. I think he loves this woman more than me because she is fresh and he doesn't really see her much now he want's to bring her to america and his face just lights up when he talks about her and I feel like I should just leave and let him have her, the only reason I stay is because of our kids but hell he doesn't even take care of our kids I support them while he supports his other wife and 2 kids.

Im very hurt and don't know what to do,please help! He swears to me that he loves me but, I can tell that he is lying over the past year I have not slept in the same bed with him we barely kiss,talk or anything only if it halfs to do with work or bringing his wife and kids here, I told him I don't care if he brings her here but Im only doing it for him and not worrying about myself! I even have dreams when im sleeping about him and her having sex I guess this is due to him telling me things and now he says he made it up but I know he didn't make them up, what should I do?

-sashley356


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14 Responses »

  1. As salamu alaykum sister sashley,

    Thank you very much for sharing, let´s talk about facts, he is not taking care or providing for you and your kids, he has emotionally abused you till the point you dream about his fantasies and you feel in a lower position than her, it seems for your words you are sharing the same house but not sharing life with him and he is mentally with her already. You love him, but I think you should be honest to yourself about which your limits are.

    Why don´t you stop yourself for a minute, in a quiet place when nobody will disturb you and you put everything in the right place, be honest to yourself and stop doing things just to please him, once you know what you want let him know and tell him what you really think about it. You must see what you really want, if you want to stand the situation, just begin to talk to your children and see if you want them to live in the same flat or you are going to leave or what you are going to expect when they are here, she must need help to adapt, he may ask you to help her, only Allah(swt) knows, you should talk to him from Heart, you are keeping lot of hidden emotions in your Heart and they can come up when you least expect and in the least expected way. You don´t want that, Allah (swt) forbids.

    Poligamy is a serious issue and a man should behave equally with both spouses and children, this situation seems very unbalanced to me. I believe you don´t need to know about his sexual life with his other wife, you can tell him to stop doing that to you, it can be very painful. Tell him what is hurting you and if he behaves with you as well as with the other wife, equally, see if you can go through the polygamy without feeling hurt, if not I am sure you will know what to do, Insha´Allah.

    Sister build up your bond to Allah(swt) go deeper in your deen, pray your salat and be close to Allah(swt) as much as you can, ask Him(swt) for help and guidance.

    You are a brave person and you love him very much and I believe you care about this woman and their two kids,... sister, see how much you can stand and put boundaries to mantain a healthy relationship and enviroment for your kids and for yourself, only Allah(swt) knows everything, I am sorry for repeating myself so much, I find it a very difficult situation, that is why I admire you so much, Allah(swt) gives us the weight we can carry with, you are a strong woman, Masha´Allah.

    From Heart to Heart, my unconditional Love,

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Im sorry but I can not care for his other wife! She does not want him with me even though I am his 1st wife, I think he treats me this way because im an american woman and she is one of him. Yes,I do love him but I can't keep living this way with him. I do everything for my kids while he supports her and there kids there and he laughs in my face about it. He told me how he had sex with this woman I would never ask him about something like that. He is very cold hearted I have tried to talk to him and he just walks away, or he will hit me and tell me to shut up and that he ain't got time for me. I converted to Islam he talked to me a lot about islam and now I see him as a no good person and if he was a true muslim he would have never done me this way.

      • As salamu alaykum, Sister sashley,

        You already know the next step, the sadness of your words talk by themselves. There is no need to stand abusive behaviour from him, you have been alone all this time, but you were used to have him around even in this awful conditions, you may need sometime to adapt yourself to the decision you have taken.

        As muslims, we should try our best and don´t hurt other ones but we are still learning and commiting mistakes and maybe his best for now it is what you see. Sister forgive them and convince yourself you don´t need to stand under this circumstances close to them, I feel you want to try with your husband but he is who he is and he wants what he wants, and you are not going to change him.

        If you have close family that loves you, count on them and surround yourself with people that loves you truly and appreciates your Presence by Heart. You are an important human being, you are my sister, your Presence is important to me, what you are going through and what you think is precious, in this world there is only one of you, please take care of yourself and your kids and the time will come where you will look back and Insha´Allah won´t be so painful.

        You have the right to be respected, take it, don´t allow him to hit you, he is being very clear about what he wants.

        From Heart to Heart,
        María
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • salaamu'alaykum.

        sister, i sincerely ask Allaah to give you a better husband.
        because whatever you sacrifice for the sake of Allaah, Allaah will give you something better in its place.

        please leave him, as he has not given you your rights in anyway, and moreover, he has not given Allaah his rights of worship.

        Allaah ma'ak ukhtii.

  2. salaam be upon you.

    sister no, dont divorce your husband because of his diffecient behavior.
    so long as he prays, provides for you, then dont divorce him.

    i can understand how hurtfull it feels when your husband talks greatly of his other wife, but the mothers of believers went through a more painfull experience.

    As in the case of mother of believers hafsah [may Allaah be pleased with her].

    the prophet[saww] had a slave girl called mariyyah, and one, it was the turn of hafsah with the prophet[saww], so the prophet[saww] sent hafsah to 'Umar her father, and in the meanwhile, he sent for mariyyah so to sleep with her, when hafsah came back, she saw the prophet[saww] in her room with the slave girl, and she waited infromt of the room as it was locked, so when the prophet[saww] finished having intercourse with the slave girl, he came out and hafsah SAW that his face was dripping with pleasure from sleeping with the slave girl on hafsas day.

    hafsah [may Allaah be pleased with her] obviously became terribly upset and she cried and felt extremem jealousy at this.

    the mothers of believers [may Allaah be pleased with them] felt jealous of eachother all the time, but they were patient over it.

    so please sister, just ask your husband toSTOP talking about what he does with his other wife.you dont need to know.

    • He does not provide for me or my kids as I said he takes his money and provides for his other wife and kids,not a dime for me or my kids. He does not pray!! My question was does he love his other wife more than me, and I haven't got the answer but, I know the answer already just by reading my own story he doesn't he is very cold hearted and yes I do love him but I can't live like this any more. I have been taking care of myself and kids since we have been married and I don't need him any more.

  3. Asalamolaiakum sister Sashley,

    I’m sorry to hear about your struggle with your husband. You ask if your husband loves his second wife more than you and although I cannot answer this question as I do not know the condition of his heart what I can answer though is that he does not love you enough.

    Although Islam does allow polygamy, the way your husband is practicing it is indeed incorrect. If one decides to take this route, they must fulfill their wife’s rights in every aspect (not just financially but also spiritually, emotionally, physical and intellectually). You’re husband is clearly wronging you as he bears the financial burden of providing for you and your children in addition to the financial burden of providing for his second wife and her children as well. If he cannot do so then he should have not had a second marriage.

    In addition, it despicable that he has shared all his intimate moments regarding his second wife with you. This goes against haya and modesty in Islam in addition to the fact that he has hurt you immensely. What I think is more important Shashley is not if he loves his second wife more rather if he loves you enough to make you feel complete.

    Our beloved prophet (P.B.U.H) treated all his wives with uttermost respect but had a special spot for his wife Aisha R.A. Despite this fact he did not boast about this to his other wives nor did he give them any extra attention. He treated them all with equality, respect, love and care.

    My dear sis, it is up to you to decide if you would like to remain with him or end this marriage as I can sense that you truly love him. You need to ask yourself this question as divorce is a huge issue but it has been given to us by Allah swt to be exercised rightfully if we are being treated ill. You need to ask yourself, how much is too much?

    Lastly, I absolutely disagree with brother Abu-Az-Zubayr when he says: ``…so long as he prays, provides for you, then dont divorce him``. Marriage is not just about providing your wife financially; it is about fulfilling your wife’s needs in every aspect possible. No where does it say in the Qur`aan or sunnah that a wife must suffer quietly if her husband is treating her unjustly. She must exercise patience but we must bear in mind women are human and deserve to experience love and happiness. As Muslims are goal is to strive and achieve jannat but that does not infer that we disregard our biological and emotional needs that Allah swt has given us for this world. We must learn to strike a balance between happiness in this world and success in the hereafter, inshAllah.

    -Helping Sister

    • Typo:

      Despite this fact he did not boast about this to his other wives nor did he give her (Aisha R.A.) any extra attention

      As Muslims our goal is to strive and achieve jannat but this does not infer that we disregard our biological and emotional needs that Allah swt has instilled within us for this world.

  4. I felt horrible reading this story because I am also an american girl struggling with a pakistani husband who hid his first wife to marry me for immigration.My Story is little different in the fact that I am raising the first wife 2 children.We have been married 8 yrs and he just confessed about using me for immigration 4 months ago.I won't lie I loved him and I am emotionally drained and have refused to let the his 1st wife speak with the children.The first wife befriended me to get me to work with her.Both my husband and her r cousins and this compounds the situation terribly because of course.Also I am not Muslim and she is.The strange thing is now my husband professes to love me and although he did all this for immigration he said he fell in deep love for me over the years for what i did for him and his family but he refuses to give me any details
    and explain to me the complete truth of there relation.I have kicked him out of the home and refuse to tolerate him at this point.I don't know what my future holds but I do know one thing men who lie and do terrible things do not just hurt the wife they hurt the children also.My children r deeply upset by this and it is really a horrific thing for a man to do.I don't care what religion you are.I also want to say there are many muslim men hiding first wife from second wife so they can get immigration.I want to say that the wives that are doing this you are not any better than your husband if u allow this to happen to another female knowingly.
    Strangely enough I am not against plural marriages if it is everyone choice in the relationship as for me I would not choose it personally for myself and i resent that someone made that choice for me and played and toyed with my emotions not to mention it is against the LAW in USA.Amber

    • Dear Amber,

      I am sorry for the difficult situation you are in - I understand your resentment fully. I pray something good comes your way soon inshaAllah.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. "Strangely enough I am not against plural marriages if it is everyone choice in the relationship as for me I would not choose it personally for myself and i resent that someone made that choice for me and played and toyed with my emotions not to mention it is against the LAW in USA.Amber"

    Amber,

    I agree with you 100%.

  6. leave him u deserve better

  7. dear sister in islam Allah has said in surah nisaa verse 128(And if a woman fears desertion on her husbands part ,there is no sin on them both if they make terms of peace between themselves and making peace is better.human inner-selves are sweyed by greed.but if you do good and keep away from evil .verily Allah is Ever well- aquinted with what you do) divource or getting out of a marriage is just fulfilling ibliis wish that he gets happy when he breaks an islamic home for your part come with an aggrement with him and patice pays alot dear he may love her today so much but tommorrow the cards can turn and he be crying for you love your husband and fear Allah do your part in good deeds and Allah will reward you for every pain you are under going for when Allah loves someone he shows him or her hardship if they be patient they will be rewarded in hereafter and in the world too take care and always be positive for you are strong and capable good luck and for the rest please lets not add salt to the injury lets advice according to the Book of ALLAH(sw) and his prophet (pbah) if i said wrong its me and shaidan and all the right is from Allah and his prophet(pbah)

  8. Salami aleykum my sister and brothers in Islam

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