Domestic violence
Asaalamualaikum,
I have a question to ask.
I'm currently in a situation where I'm not sure of what is the right thing to do.
I'm married for a year now but I've been friends with my husband for over 8 years before getting married. He has a bad temper and can get violent when he is angry. I've seen that side of him before marriage and we had an abusive relationship for a while which he then gets better. But his abusive side came back once we were married and it happened a few times during the one year of our marriage.
I've reach to a point where I'm not able to take any of the violent ways and I build up the courage to speak to him about getting a separation. We talked about seeking help for him and he has made the first step to go for counseling to help him with this flaws of his.
I'm happy and proud of him and I want to support him in this as a friend but I'm not able to do that staying as his wife as I still have resentment towards him even though I have already forgiven him. I am grateful that we have yet to be blessed with a child as I wouldn't want our children to grow up in a violent environment and for the child to witness family violence. But I am not pushing aside any chances of getting back together after he has gotten help and after I'm ready to accept him back in my life after going through my own healing.
But at the same time I'm facing a dilemma of what our family would say if we get a separation and what would happen after we tell them on our decision. I've decided not to disclose the reason of why we are getting a separation to the family as I do not want them to hate him or to change their perception towards him as I feel he would need the social support all the more while seeking help. However we will be telling his parents as it is necessary to tell his parents so that they are able to help him.
I'm stuck in thinking am I being selfish that I'm leaving him when he needs support and help the most from me maybe as a wife or it's OK for me to do this for myself to get time for myself to have some healing to focus on myself and my relationship to God so that I'm able to let go of the resentment that is inside me for all these years.
Please help me shed some light in regards to this matter.
Syukran!
Afif
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Dear Afif,
You are pregnant and your husband has been abusive towards you. I think your suggestion of separation is a good idea. You are being selfish for the right reasons because you do need as much peaceful environment as possible during your pregnancy, in Shaa Allah.
After giving birth you and your husband could live together again and then see how it goes.
No doubt your family will question your separation. It's best that you don't lie to your respected family because they may find out (probably from your in laws) and then it may create more stress and drama.
Instead from first day of your separation be upfront with your family by just telling them that for whole of your pregnancy plus 40 days after birth you would like to be with them. If they ask why, tell them you need some time alone, especially whilst you are pregnant. Try not to give them the core reason 'why'. During your pregnancy your husband could come and visit you at your parents' home, and hopefully your family will not see there's problem between you two.
However, during separation to hide the core reason 'why' from your family will be tough but not impossible. Try it, and if your family finds out, tell them it is under control, no need to worry, and you and your husband is working on it.
Best wishes,
- Me
Xx
She didn't mention anything about being pregnant. From what she has written in her question, I don't think she is pregnant.
True say, the sister in question is not pregnant. I guess this part of her post made me think she is pregnant:
"I am grateful that we have yet to be blessed with a child as I wouldn’t want our children to grow up in a violent environment and for the child to witness family violence."
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