I feel dominated by his short temper
I am married for last four years and I have a son. My husband loves him a lot. We all stay in Pakistan, he says he loves me a lot but over these years many times I have found him looking at porn sites in my absence,whenever I find this happen he gets scared and shows his anger to avoid any confrontation. He says I must trust him and not try to keep monitoring his laptop always. Now I feel this thing is personally affecting me and my self confidence.I try to please him always and he does say he's happy and satisfied with me. I have mentioned about pornography and it's haraam aspects to him.
He apologizes,makes some excuse and later again does the same thing, I need some advice. Should I think of Talaq due to this repeated actions of his. He is not too regular in his prayers, sometimes I feel am I wasting my life trying to keep his family and parents happy. I love him a lot and am scared at taking such a drastic step of leaving him but if this habit of his is not changing, I am losing confidence in myself.
I can support myself but as per hadith a woman who divorces her husband without a valid reason does not get to paradise, also I always wonder we women are expected to do so much for our husband and I would love to do it to get a place in Paradise but don't men too need to follow Islam piously. What should a wife do if husband does not follow Islam properly? I know that a woman who is pious,prays 5 times and her husband is happy with her when she dies,she will enter Paradise Inshallah.I don't know what I should be doing.
He does show affection towards me but I feel dominated by his short temper.I don't like the negativity I am developing for him suppressing my feelings due to his anger.please advice.
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As salamu alaykum, sister Iman,
Your husband have two problems, one is the pornographic addiction and other one the anger issues, maybe both related to the same, not to be able to solve the first problem by himself. This shows the need of strengthen the Iman, first of all he needs to acknowledge he has a problem, he knows this affects you, but he doesn´t know how to give up and the fastest reaction is to attack before you say anything, the point here is how to avoid all this situation from repeating, I mean how to break the pattern that has been stablished between you two.
You are a self sufficient woman, your husband maybe scared because, you are good inside and outside and he may feel like he doesn´t deserve you that you are too good for him, that he cannot give you what you ask for, and he is conscious he is damaging with his attitude then guilt may be around here, this is quite an explosive mixture, someway I think he is pushing you away not to feel the guilt and the impotence he is carrying for not being able to give up the addiction.
Then give him a last chance and talk to him, from your Heart but as emotionless as you can, with this I mean, quiet, soft, calm voice, explain to him you are not going to judge or accuse him, that you want to walk together in the direction to improve your marriage life, doesn´t matter what he says and if he is rude, ask him, Please, respect me as I do with you, let him talk, fight, scream, whatever and then when he is finished, ask for conclusions, do you want to go to counselling? do you want to give a try to our marriage? do you want to improve this situation? what do you want from me and from marriage? and when you know the answers to this make appointments and act in the direction you have chosen together, he will have to move in some direction when he sees you so involved to find solutions, insha´Allah.
I believe you have a new opportunity fo find a way to save this marriage, at least, try your best and if Allah(swt) wants, you two will be holding hands to be your best.
Look at this as a test, he is struggling as you are, you are stronger than him, but don´t let him know, show your respect and admiration any time he does something good and if he fails after a while stay close and don´t disminish all his efforts until that time, addictions are hard tests, for the ones that has it and the one around, but I believe you are there because you still have something to do about it, insha´Allah.
All My Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thank u sister Maria for your reply.
Yes it gives me strength to regard it as a test from Allah. There are times when I focus on my husband's positive qualities and I think Alhamdulillah am blessed.But only this one thing which shaytaan brings in our relationship makes it terrible.I did speak to my husband as advised by you.He assured me that he has reduced this habit and eventually one day will give it up Inshallah.But he refused to promise me that he would stop it right now.is there any specific duaa or ayaat from Quran which could be recited for better relation between husband and wife?
As salamu alaykum, Sister_iman,
Thank you for trusting my words.
Alhamdulillah, he is wise and he is speaking truth, trust him, it seems that he had already made a plan to give up the habit, Alhamdulillah.
Any dua from Heart will be listened by Allah(swt), He listens all, and the Quran is a must for us muslims, then to learn about it yourself, listening, reading and reciting all of It, would be a precious blessing to your own being, to your marriage and to us all, Alhamdulillah.
My beloved Sister, I want to share this beautiful article written by Jinan Bastaki on the Series "How to achieve tranquility of the Heart" on SuhaibWebb.com, I hope it comforts your Heart and help you to be stronger in Allah(swt), Insha´Allah.
http://www.suhaibwebb.com/islam-studies/quran/a-source-of-healing/
http://www.suhaibwebb.com/relationships/withthedivine/all-you-need-to-do-is-ask/
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
if he does not pray , simple devorce is an obligation upon you