Do not trust my husband for his years of lies; don’t know what to do?
Lies.
Asalamualaikum
About three years a go I meet a guy on line and he said that he is a good practising Muslim, he never dated or had sex with any other girl in his life. Before I got into any relationship I always wanted to make sure that the guy is a good Muslim, has a good heart and he is educated. This guy told me that he had never been married, never slept and never even had a girl friend. By hearing this I became very attached to him and slowly started to get close to him. He said he loves me more then anything and by his action and the way he treated me , he seemed like he was telling the truth but within one year of our relationship I found out he is talking with other girls on the phone, sending dirty text messages and so on and when i confronted him, he said it was just some stupid games, nothing serious and he promised never to do that again. I trusted him and I moved on with our relationship. During this time we were sexually active and I felt very very guilty and I kept on telling him that I am not happy with our life like this, since we love each other so much and that he has a very good career, then we should get married as soon as possible.
He used to keep on telling me that he will marry me soon, its not the right time yet and all kinds of excuses. I decided to introduce him to my parents as a co-worker who is from the same country and told my parents that he is a very good man, from a very religious family. 2 years into our relationship, he still did not proceed to marry me then one day in the month of Holy Ramadan, I was browsing into his cell phone and i saw a text message from a girl saying how much she loved him and how much she wanted to be his wife. After reading this I got so furious that I called the girl and asked her how long this has been going on, she told me for 1 year, they have meet several time and my Boyfriend talks to her all the time and they talk about sex and he wants to talk to her father for her hand in marriage.
Reader, you can imagine how i felt then, I screamed and shouted, asking my boyfriend for his explanation on this, again he said, it is all a joke, he was just playing with the girl because she is a crazy girl and characterless and he wanted to see how far she will go when it comes to sexual relationship. I did not believe him at first, I almost broke up with him but some how he convinced me to stay with him. he said he loved me more then life and he cannot live without me. So i helped him get rid of the crazy girl by yelling and shouting at her as she was constantly texting me and telling me lies about his and her relationship( I thought she is lying because he said she is).
Six months after that, me and the stupid me forced him to marry me since my parents were forcing me to get married to another man. My boyfriend came up with a new problem that his family is not happy about his choice that is me and they have nothing to do with this relationship. I some how convinced my parents to get me married to him and they agreed but some how I had a feeling that some thing is wrong but I could not tell. Last month after all the guests were invited, wedding arrangement was done and before 5 days of the wedding, my boyfriend tells me that he lied to me about his education, he never graduated from college, he also lied to me about his past life, he was married before and he has a 6 year old son.
I looked at my parents innocent face and all the Zina I have done with him and kept everything to my heart and married him in the religious way but days after our wedding, I started to realize that I have done the wrong thing. I should have never got involved in this. but for all the Zina that I have done with him, I thought the only way Allah will forgive me is if I marry the same man I have done Zina with. But I don't trust him any more, I told my parents about his previous marriage, they were very upset and refuse to talk to him saying he is a fraud.
Right now I don't know what I should do with this marriage. I also released that my husband is finally realizing what he has done, how many lies he told me. He says he is very guilty for lying to me all the time. His family is still not accepting me. Also I found out that he is not divorced yet, he is separated from his first wife. I am in so much confusion and distress. I feel like I killed my happiness with my own hands. I don't love him any more. I don't trust him any more but I am trying to be a good wife by cooking and satisfying him on bed.
I feel I don't deserve some one evil and liar like him but after all he is my husband. I hope some one can relate to my story and help me do the right thing. Should I seek a divorce ( my parent are against this) or should stay in this marriage with no hope of ever being happy? Forgiving him is very hard.
Muslima13.
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Assalamualaikum,
indeed. It was ur mistake and u have erred more than once at least.
I'll tell u a very intersting incident. Once while on a holiday in Amsterdam our tour guide took us to a farm in the countryside where they gave a live demonstration on how the dutch cheese was made and the wooden shoes etc. Now this guy who was demonstrating was a bit over enthusiastic and wanted to give us little extra entertainment by speaking some hindi/urdu sentences and somewhere while conversing said '' well some1 told me what cheese means in hindi''. And the kids said ''cheese means cheese in hindi''. Now since this guy had a funny bone he had to push it a bit further, so he said '' No. Cheese means a girl''. I was confused. We never said 'cheese' for a girl, but then it clicked. It was a slang. It meant an item. I said im sorry about that but whoever taught u probably never thought of a woman more than an object. He was embarrassed but the point is this how most men look at women. As objects, but sister y do women allow them to treat them as an object? I dont want to count ur mistakes coz u know them already, so no rants here but its high time.
2 be very honest, i must say that first of all committing zina is punishable, u cannot nullify the act or make it halal by marrying the person u did it with. What u do after marriage is halal but whatever was done is still a sin and u will have to ask for His forgiveness. A lot of people assume that marrying the same person will by default erase their previous sin of zina with him but that is not true. It only pacifies the guilt, which is not good coz when there is no guilt there is no repentence.
Since u have no children u should not feel imprisoned in this relationship with Mr. Cheater. He looks like a compulsive cheater to me. He might hurt u more in future and if u, as much as went ahead to have a family with him then sister ur children will suffer too. His first wife and child r a living proof. Discuss this with ur parents and if they say they r willing to offer the support u need then get divorced as soon as u can. One of the main reasons is that u feel no love for him. This relationship is pointless anyways. So do what u should and stop being a cheese.
Sister,
All the red flags were there yet you did not want to see them. Yes, your husband is a liar, a fraud and a cheater however...you had to have him and look where you are now. This is what happens when you do not listen to your parents...their wisdom and last but not least, follow your deen. You say you are a good wife by cooking and satisfying him in bed however, is that all you want out of a marriage? Don't you aspire to want more?
God willing your husband will turn himself around to be a better man and husband. Together the both of you can work on things within your marriage to make it work rather than end things. However, if your husband cannot be faithful and continues his wicked ways, you should reconsider staying in a marriage where you will always be looking over your shoulder. Not a way for anyone to live at all.
Salam
Once a cheater always a cheater !!! I wonder why his first wife left him maybe because he was doing the same thing to her. And there were so many red flags front of your eyes. You should have known sister. Just make sure he has change 100% before you start having a family with him.
friend, I think he is not a man. if he is really a man he will not desire for another one. anyway i request you to escape from tha man.
Allaah will forgive you, Allah is the most kind.
It is skill to understand a person from his behavier and talk. everyone have to develope it.
Dont belive anyone blindly
Salaam, Even if you forgive him, this will always be with you. From personal experience my advise would be to leave him. At first will be hard but once you discover yourself again, you will only grow strength to strength. If you stay with him the burden of the past even if he changes, which, realistically I very much doubt, will consume and poison you. Sometimes its better to be alone and at peace then to be with someone you slowly begin to hate and become an ugly, bitter person that everyone else avoids. You are fortunate, you have not started a family. You can always have that blessing inshallah with a man who is not so inadequate that he resorts to such pathological behaviour. Inshallah you make the right decision for your future sister.
Well I don't know if its too late to respond but I was in a situation like this where I fell heads over heels with a guy and I wanted to marry him but I let him go and sister everyone's makes mistakes so don't feel bad just learn from it and yes the guy was similar kind of but the guy I was gonna marrying was a liar, cheater, and he had multiple women based on his past and he never changed to this day he never finished school either. I heard he's till cheats cause he married someone else but a habit is hard to change for some I mean I would do research on the guy try to find out everything you can he still might be talking to his wife you never nothing but do u want to live ur life like that wondering if its always based on lies? Yes ppl do change but you have to find out if he has?
Sister...
Number one why did u meet him online for?
Number two why the hell do u want to spend your life in
misery for? He is the liar lying bout graduation, college ur parents are right he is bloody fraud.
If he had any respect for you he wouldn't have lied to you I understand that sometimes
Loving someone sooo much makes u do stupid stuff like lie just for that person to be with u but the
Fact he's been cheating that's awful, it's clear he has no respect for u.
Don't waste time let him go, Allah is most merifcul who are we to say Allah won't forgive for
Ur zina:
Allah is most meriful.
Leave him he is using you my sister, find someone who will respect you.