Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Engaged to an Imam but feeling uncomfortable about marriage conditions

confusion sister muslim confused

Hello. Later in this year I will marry a very pious man. He is of high regard in the Islamic community in our city and is a young imam. He is very religious and very intellectual.

However i have a very different background.

I am conservative now but I wasn't always this way. I used to live a very spontaneous life, traveling and hanging with friends, socially outgoing, and lot of people consider me "fun natured" and "light hearted." I was married before and had a child. I am divorced now two years and I'm 3 years older than him. He is 26 im 29. I am attractive and so is this man.

While I'm very religiously serious now I know I am still different than him in many ways. He is more rigid than I. However I am very dutiful and very loyal, and Obediant. I don't have an aggressive personality so don't confuse me for this.

We speak via Skype about marriage expectations and contracts. There is so much blushing and chemistry between us. The funny thing is he actually sought me out for a long long time  as in wanting to be engaged and married . We've never touched and won't until after marriage. Upon Skype conversation, One condition I requested was no other wives he agreed. Then he oddly went into a conversation about maybe needing to work in a different country as he has offers for offshore oil companies and I may not be able to go with him  and that when he is home he wants physical intimacy once every seven days, and doesn't want kids for three years.

Ok maybe he wants to prepare more for kids. Understand this.

But making a sex schedule/rule I feel hurt, offended, and before marriage undesirable! We aren't robots and I I want to share this intimacy as it is being vulnerable to one another in deep ways and builds bonding.

I don't understand this but I know he has never touched a woman before so maybe he doesn't have exposure and has learned to live with out it. He says he has never watched porn too.

Am I wrong to be offended?  He says sex is just body and wants soul intimacy before sex. But sex is bonding too right?

Im so confused. It would seem something so special that he couldn't wait and it I feel masculine for feeling I want it more ! Lol what the heck is going on here?

belle07


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11 Responses »

  1. Hi sister
    Ok so don't get offended or hurt to much because it's all very new to him, he has never been in a intimate relationship, his new to all the bonding, marriage and sexual relationship so he has no idea how it is, don't worry about it too much I don't think it's something to worry about once your married everything will fall into place and he needs to understand you too, don't forget you've been married before been had sexual inter course before too so you'll know and understand it better than him but once your married make him understand what you want and both work together and in Shaa Allah everything will fall into once just keep reminding yourself all this is very new to him
    Hope I helped Reya xx

  2. Dear Sister,

    He's new to having a relationship with a woman and doesn't know how to express his feelings. May be you have to give him time even after marriage to properly communicate and not be offended by his comments or statements.

    As for men in general, sex is what they do to express love. That is the highest form of way to express love and make deep intimate connection with a woman. What he thinks about sex is probably most of the men think. So nothing to worry about and nothing to get offended about.

    Maybe after marriage you can guide him to communicate better. Also, I would suggest both of you to read the book " His Needs, Her Needs " so that you both will have an amazing marriage.

    May Allah bless your marriage with lots of happiness.

  3. OP: I don't understand this but I know he has never touched a woman before so maybe he doesn't have exposure and has learned to live with out it. He says he has never watched porn too. Am I wrong to be offended? He says sex is just body and wants soul intimacy before sex. But sex is bonding too right?
    Im so confused. It would seem something so special that he couldn't wait and it I feel masculine for feeling I want it more ! Lol what the heck is going on here?

    Some thing is not right here. Why is he marrying a divorcee with a kid and 3 year older then him? For almost all men sex comes before intimacy. How do you know he has not touched some body or tried hard and could not find any one? How do you know he never watched porn? I hope you have not told him every contact you had with any/every man. He does not want a kid for 3 years???

  4. I think you are correct to question his request. If he has been a virgin his entire life, he should be looking forward to having an active intimate life with you, rather than deciding up front to restrict it to once per week. That is odd.

  5. Pls don't take this the wrong way, but just a quick point - why is an imam/pious individual even discussing sex, prior to the marriage? Surely any conversation that occurs before marriage should be chaperoned and I'm sure he wouldn't feel comfortable expressing those thoughts with a chaperone present. My husband wasn't particularly pious but he kept his boundaries and we only discussed sex after our nikkah. I could be wrong but these are just my thoughts.

  6. My question for you:

    1. I am not saying an Imam is a holy man but "sought" you out for marriage for a long time? How does he have a chance to know you? Where did you both have a first "encounter"?

    2. Why is it impossible for you to go along with him to the offshore?

    3. How long do you know about this person? Do you have another Imam or board members in your masjid that know about him? If you do, ask him/them about how much they know about this young Imam and if they know anything about him actively looking for a wife? or engage to you?

    4. This the first time I heard from a religious man that they want sex but no children ( for 3 years.) It doesn't sound right. Most of them are not very fond of the idea of contraception.

    I agree with Sister Bucks, there are lots of red flags! I do not agree with the reason that he has no social skill to express his feelings. There is something called "shyness", "manners and etiquette" in Islamic marriage. Where is it in him?

  7. As-salamu alaykum. I agree with Reya and Asif. I think the brother is simply a bit immature and inexperienced. I don't see anything improper in his being persistent in asking you for marriage, as long as he did not cross any lines. Also, I don't know where he is from, but in many developing countries it is normal for the husband to seek better-paying work overseas, and it's usually quite difficult to take the wife along, as the living conditions can be very austere, and the travel is expensive.

    As far as his comment about having sex once a week, perhaps he read in one of his books that such is the ideal frequency during marriage, or something like that. Or maybe he has heard of wives who do not like sex, so he was trying to say, "at least once a week." It's a bit odd, yes, but not something to freak out about. His only experience with these subjects is in the real of fiqh and books. After marriage he will learn firsthand, Insha'Allah, how to properly relate to his wife.

    The one thing that does concern me is the difference in your personalities. I can easily envision a scenario in which he tries to make you feel guilty for your lighthearted and outgoing nature, tries to control you or keep you at home, etc. He might feel insecure about your previous marriage and hold it against you. If you've seen hints of these kinds of behaviors, then be careful.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  8. Sister,

    Congratulations to you and your soon to be husband. It's wonderful that you both have good chemistry and are ready to share a life together.

    First off, it doesn't matter whether you get a "verbal" or "written" promise from your husband not to marry another wife. If he wants to he will. He will tell you what he wants you to hear now however if he so chooses to marry ten years down the road, he will.

    In regards to physical intimacy, I wonder where he comes up with the "seven day rule". Trust me, that one will go out the window real quick. Intimacy isn't something you put on your calendar or "map out via gps", it just happens. Have a good chuckle and don't think twice about it.

    Kids? Well, sometimes they come along even when you haven't planned for them. He might have a three year waiting period but if Allah has something else planned, taint a thing you can do about it but celebrate!

    The above are just my humble late night ramblings. May you both continue to build upon your good chemistry and enjoy a life of love and happiness together.

    Salam

  9. Salam sister,

    Gut feeling does raise a red flag for me, his behavior does seems odd, the fact that he is already planned an 'intimacy timetable' is VERY strange and not generally something you'd expect from an never before married man

    its also strange that the second wife talk followed the,having to leave to other countries and you not being able to go chat, if he said that at any other time, i would not be suspicious but his timing during the conversation makes me uncomfortable.
    I would spend more time talking to him, see if other 'odd' behavior arises, i think the more you speak the more you will be able to paint a picture of who he is and hopefully you will be able to establish more on if your personalities are compatible,

    sister don't let him rush you into anything while you have concerns, even if they are small, best to be dissapointed out of marriage then heartbroken leaving one, take all the time you need and if he is the one in your qadr, he will wait around for you,

    all the best sister

    xxxxxx

  10. So so far, based on what you've said we can come up with a lot of conjecture but no real knowledge as to why he said what he said. Did he put forth that timetable as a minimum requirement of what he needs and maybe you took it as a max requirement? Can you ask him and put forth a min schedule you need and see if he can fulfill it? He may have been just telling you a minimum long term plan as opposed to his immediate plans after marriage.

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