Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I would love him to express his feelings.

beautiful white flowers, innocence,

Assalam-o-alaikum,

I find this website really useful because people give v good suggestions, I am a bit upset nowadays. My husband is very nice, he takes care of me but sometimes I realize to be ignored. As I am a housewife, I wait for him to come from office.When he comes, he just comes for 5 min...& then he leaves the room...He is always in hurry for leaving the room. Sometimes it seems that there are some magnetic forces that are attracting him to come outside.

We are living in a village and in a joint family system. Where his uncle are living in our neighbors. I don't have a very good relationship with the rest of his family members (my mother in law and married sister in law). My room is separate at the back side.  No one comes to my room, and I am often alone.

When my husband comes from office, he goes to his uncles' home first, there he chit chats with their sons, then he sits with other family members outside. Calls me only for demanding food to be served for him.He comes to room only at night for sleeping.

Yesterday was my birthday. He didn't remember that I reminded him, I was expecting that when he comes from office he will bring something for me as he was asking me before leaving to office " should I bring cake"?I said no don't bring  but still I was expecting something else from him.

It's a bit funny thing, it shows how simple he is, that when he returned he said I was thinking to bring icecream for you but then I thought it will be not good for your throat. I complained him about last night that instead of staying in room,  you went to your uncle's home....he said that I get bored in room.  I don't have any activity,  I am happy outside, where I chat with relatives.  I told him that how lucky are those people who for whom their husband love to stay in room for sometime.  I started weeping and when I saw him he was also weeping.  Then I said that I will never share my feelings with you...But this is not the solution I know....

Please suggest me some advice...I know that my husband loves me but he doesn't express his feelings..I want him to be expressive, I want him to give me some quality time...He never offers me to take me outside on a drive...I ask him by myself...Please reply


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6 Responses »

  1. Salam sister
    I can say I'm sorry that your going through this. I am too. I've tried changing my husband of 4 and a half years. Hes always happy with his family but not with me 🙁 I would say strong as I'm trying to stay strong. I know it hurts it makes me feel like I gave myself to a man that doesn't care. Telling him you want attention is only going to help for a day or two and that's it. I really don't know what to tell you. Most men are just like this 🙁 stay strong sister. I hope your husband and my husband change one day. Insh'Allah

  2. AsallamuAleykum My sister,

    I am sorry that you are feeling the pain of being ignore - for sure, this is a terrible emotion and one that leads to great sadness.

    My advise to you is to be what you want from others. You speak much about your distance from the people around you, and being seperate from everything. It may be outside of your awareness that you are making yourself invisible and this is why your environment is not recognising you. I don't know if this is for sure, I am only going for the usual reasons.

    A lot of the time, when we want something from someone - when we want a hug, or a conversation, we tend to hold ourselves back and wait for it to come. That act of holding ourselves back, and waiting for someone else to initiate closeness feels (to us) as though we are waiting and creating a space for the other person to take the action we want. But actually, that act of holding back and waiting is the act of distancing yourself and being closed emotionally.

    If you want conversations and closeness with your husband you must speak and behave as though you are close with him. As you plant these seeds of closeness and nurture them, the distance between you will shrink, and you will find yourself closer to a loving relationship.

    There is no recipe to make another person change, but your personality and your own way of being has the power to transform your relationships and enable you to create the relationship you want through your own behaviour. Take the lead, and guide the relationship to where you want it to go. More often than not, behaving in the way you want things to be does take things into that direction.

    Stop thinking about him and what he is doing and start thinking about yourself and what you are doing. Act in the way that is most likely to generate the relationship you want, and inshaAllah you will see change in your relationship.

    Peace,

    Leyla
    Editor, Islamic Answers

    • Thank u Leyla and Munch for giving attention to my post......U r right that it increases the distance between husband and wife when u wait the other person to be closer to u...So I will mostly try to take the initiative....But why can't he see me when he is sitting with his family...I wait for his eyes to catch mine when he is with them and discussing anything....but he always have an eye contact with his sister.......It seems to me that he is very much impressed by his sister and he thinks her a wise woman.

      • Secondly u wrote:
        "My advise to you is to be what you want from others. You speak much about your distance from the people around you, and being seperate from everything. It may be outside of your awareness that you are making yourself invisible and this is why your environment is not recognising you. I don't know if this is for sure, I am only going for the usual reasons".

  3. As salamu alaykum drop_15,

    You are taking everything personally and I believe through your words that in fact your husband is just simple. Don´t look for anything that is not there, he is sure of you, he married you, you are new to him and he is used to relate to his family, family has strong influences on us.

    You may try to participate in family reunions, be one with them, don´t look at them as the enemie, you are all of us in the same space.

    If you want a cake for your birthday, tell him to bring it to you, nothing wrong with it, share it with the family and move on.

    He may feel embarrased to show his feelings towards you in front of his family, men are shy to show their feelings in public, take advantage of your moments of intimacy and make stronger your closeness when you are alone, this may give you the security you need to survive during the day, insha´Allah.

    All my Unconditional Respect,

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Secondly u wrote:
    "My advise to you is to be what you want from others. You speak much about your distance from the people around you, and being seperate from everything. It may be outside of your awareness that you are making yourself invisible and this is why your environment is not recognising you. I don't know if this is for sure, I am only going for the usual reasons".

    I love to remain separate and alone from his other family members because whenever I sit with them, they make a heap out of nothing....They take such a meaning from ur conversation that u can't even imagine....e.g last time when I went to my mother's home I brought clothes for my mother-in-law, and in order to make her happy and make some place in her heart, I said "look anti,I don't forget u when I visit bazar"....

    Now u know what did she do, she told my husband later that ur wife brought clothes and said the above mentioned statement in order to show that she has done a favor (ehsan) to me...But honestly I didn't mean that...I said that just to make her happy and feel that I care about her....This was one example, I have many more but not worth mentioning.....

    What will u do if u put urself in my shoes??Definitely u will try to be at a distance from them in order to avoid such quarrels....What do u think?Plz don't tell me that I should communicate with them...because they are not such type of people who are convinced by my opinions....

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