Fallen in love with my big brother’s wife
I've become so obsessed I don't know who I am anymore
I am attracted to my big brother's wife. She is younger than me and I’m not married. I’m 26.
I tell where it began. I am doing my MBA and I have got one subject left. That’s why I have to stay home, because going to university just for 1 subject means I attend twice in a week, the rest of the time I was at home. I was very upset, and that’s why my 1 subject was left and now I have to wait 6 months to get job.
I was tense but my sister-in-law shows me attitude again and again. I don’t know why she is doing this. I was very upset about my MBA and because of her, so I decided to leave my house and stay alone but I would change my mind and then stay. When I got no conclusion I tried to hurt her so that she can realize. I tried to touch her and she said to me “what r u doing?” then again I done this. Then she told my mum that I have done some wrong with her but she won't told her what I did. Then I continue this thing and finally she tell me about herself, that she’ll never show me attitude. She talks less and her face shows attitude but she is not like this.
She told me everything about her. Then I told my sister-in-law that I’m very upset about my MBA and because of her, that it’s not my fault it’s my teacher’s fault. She listened to me and showed me sympathy. We were coming too close to each other, sharing every thing to each other but not physically. We are coming too close that we and my brother went together outside and my brother talks less and we both enjoy ourselves. She trusts me and tells me everything and I trust her I tell her every thing about me.
We were feeling like we are in heaven, enjoying the most together. But then what happened was that I was attracted to her so so much that I tried touching her hands in humour, her neck and her face. She told me don’t do this it’s not allowed in Islam, but I began doing this. Then one day I grabbed her and she laughed and I think that she wants some. I grab her the next day and try to kiss her but she told me don’t do this but I thought that she is just showing attitude. I continue this thing and my mum came she told her that I came to her to rape her. However, I never thought about that.
She told her own parents and my parents as well as my brother. She left the house when I started continuously doing wrong with her 5 to 6 times. Then her parents came to us to give a guarantee that I will never do that again. I contacted her and said sorry to her, and she forgives me but tells me that please don’t do this again.
I pray 5times and say dua so that I can forget her but I can’t. I say sorry to Allah and say dua to get me out of this situation. I sometimes sms her or call her every night because I can’t stay away from her. I get upset if I can’t talk to her. She came back and I told her that I want to marry her and to do something about it but she says it’s not possible now. She told me that her husband won’t give her and she began to fall in love with him but he won’t give her time. And then she finally told me that she loved me when she was not married with my brother but she is unable to tell me.
Now I got so upset to learn that the one I love has loved me some time before. What can I do now? If I say anything to her about marriage she tells her husband or anyone. I don’t know why she won’t take me seriously, she says to me that she knows my situation and that I’m upset but that this thing has no future so please leave this topic. My brother told me finally, and warns me to stay away from her or he will leave this house with her.
What can I do? I’m always thinking about her every minute. I have lost myself, I have forgot what it is that I have to do in the future. Please give me some advice.
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Follow your heart. there is a reason why all of this happened and there is a reason why both of you feel that way about each other. I don't think it is wrong in Islam to marry her since she is no longer your brother's wife. you probably feel guilty and you know this will put a big dent in your relationship with your family but Allah knows what's in your heart.
I think you misread his post, Aidan. She is still his brother's wife. Furthermore I don't think it's his heart he is following here, but something else. He has allowed his desires and lust to completely cloud his judgement and corrupt his behavior. Being a Muslim is about doing what's right, even when your desires are pulling you toward something sinful.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Hi man,
Best solution is for you to leave the house. You cannot destroy one marriage to appease yourself. Please be sensitive to at least your own brother!
Umm Yes I So Agree With You !
x
Salaams,
This is a terrible situation. Firstly your brothers wife is your SISTER-in-law and you should have not regarded her in an improper way. If you had kept your distance and controlled your desires, you would not have allowed the situation to get out of control. Hanging around the house with little to do, well the devil makes work for the idle.
Also you say that your sister-in-law now tells you that she was interested in you before she married your brother. If she was, then she shouldn't have married your brother but since she did, she should not have told you this information as it only fuels your desire for her.
You have already made advances towards her. I do not understand how your family have been so tolerant of you. You should be sent away until you can overcome this evil desire for your SISTER-in-law.
I personally think that you have a sibling rivalry issue, where you longed for your big brother's 'possession' and since you openly lusted after your his wife, she may have secretly enjoyed this attention and now tells you she liked you etc. This is what weak people do. Your jealousy over your brothers marriage has led you to covet his wife. Her ego has been inflated, so she has perpetuated your illicit desires. Instead she should have kept her distance altogether and not been alone in your company at all.
The only solution for you is to look at this objectively. You are blinded by this evil lust and desire. Imagine it is someone else, you would be saying the same things I am saying now. You at least recognise it is a problem. If you have completed your studies, go travelling or visit some friends. Why do you have to wait six months to get a job? Do not dwell or focus on this issue. The whole thing is not right in any way. She was never yours and never can be.
Maintain your prayers, read Qur'an and seek Allah's forgiveness.
Insha'Allah you d othe right thing and stay away. think how much damage you will cause if you do not give up this thing. You will damage relations with your own family and your in-laws.
Walaykum Assalam,
Thankyou For Such A Perfect Reply, I Hope He See's Sense After Reading This,
I Agree I Dont Understand Why His Family And His Sister In Law's Family Are Taking This Lightly,
Buh Can I Just Say One Thing..* ?
I May Be Wrong, So Am Sorry If I Am, I Think His Sister In Law Is In Love (Or Was) In Love With Her Husband, Buh As 'waqarcruz' Stated He Doesnt Give Her The Time, So Maybe After A While She Started To Give In To Her Brother-In-Laws Advances, As She Got The Attention From There..* ?
And That Built ' waqarcruz' Hope, And That's Why He's So Attached To Her Now,
Am Not Justifying Anyone Here, Am Just Saying From What I Understand They Are Both To Blame,
Because If He Talks To Her Every Night, She Obviously Answers Thats How They 'Talk' , If She Didn't Want Anything To Do With Him, She Would Never Answer His Call's, Or Speak To Him, Or Even Live In The Same House For That Matter, So She Is Partially To Blame For Building His Hopes Up,
If She Stopped All Communication And Told Him She Wanted Nothing To Do With Him, Rather Than Telling Him She Loved Him Before She Married His Brother Then Maybe 'waqarcruz ' Would Understand The Fact, She's Not Interested, And Could Try And Move On, However With Her In The Same House, It Can Be Difficult For Him, So I Agree With Disco He Should Leave The House,
Make Space Where He Could Think More Straight, With A Clear Head, Maybe Then He Would Realise His Mistake, And Obviously Pray To Allah (Swt) For His Forgiveness And To Guide Him The Right Way, And Make Him Pleased With His Destiny,
x
And I Just Realised This Was Posted More Than A Month Ago,And He's Probably Somewhere On The Road Of Recovery Now, So I Kinda Just Wasted My 'Words Of Wisdom' Aww Well Atleast It Kept Me Occupied
x
Salaam Brother,
Brother, I am deeply worried about you and my advise would be to take yourself straight to a counsellor as you are exhibiting signs of stalking behaviour towards this woman, you are putting yourself at great risk and you are acting outside of all deen, logic and reason and showing signs of a dangerous mental health problem.
You must recognise this if you want this to stop.
She is not helping you to get better by giving you mixed signals - saying that she loves you on the one hand, and telling you to leave her alone on the other - however regardless of what she says you are responsible for your own actions, and there is no excuse on the day of Judgement and there is no excuse in the courtroom either.
Once someone has begged you to stop contacting them and reported to family to intervene - it means that they have become afraid of you. Continuing to contact someone despite all of this is called harassment and leads to stalking. If she is always telling your brother or mother when you contact her, then she is afraid of you. She has tried asking you to leave her alone and you have not listened. She has left the home, and you have not listened, her husband and her family have spoken with you and still you are texting her and calling her. Your behaviour is the behaviour of a dangerous person.
You are suffering from a dangerous obsession and you must speak to a professional. You have lost your sense of self, and your focus in life and you a a danger to yourself and to others at this moment.
The situation you have built up with this woman is a strong and heavy record of complaints and grievances against you, she has evidence of texts and calls and reports to the family, there is an accusation of the intention of rape: brother, one false move from you and the police will be round with handcuffs to take you away and put a restraining order on you.
If you do not want this to happen, if you want to heal and get on with your life and get on with your future you must first of all recognise that you are behaving dangerously, and become very aware of the danger that you are in. I want you to feel very very afraid right now of the lack of control you are exhibiting. You must recognise the signs that this obsession is destroying everything around you - including you. You must make a firm intention, FIRM intention to stop this and move on and come back to the real world, and the real life and the future that is in front of you.
What she does or says to you does not matter. You must regard all thoughts about this woman as poisonous to your health, your faith and your future. These thoughts are destroying you and controlling you. When you think about her, say ‘My Lord, I seek refuge in You from the whispers of the devils. And I seek refuge in You, my Lord, lest they come near me’”. Do not engage in things that are connected with your obsession - if your mind is consumed with thoughts of her, fight them off and distract yourself with something else.
I beg you to see a counsellor to discuss your feelings and thoughts around this situation as soon as you can. The sooner you get in front of someone to expel these thoughts from your mind, the better it will be for you.
Do not be ashamed of asking for help to get over this, the most responsible thing we can do when we cannot do something on our own is ask for help.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
I agree with "Troubled" and Leyla on this. This is not love, it is an unhealthy and destructive obsession. What is needed here is is for the brother to completely remove himself from this situation and create distance between himself and his sister-in-law, and let time pass. And by distance I mean, another city, and no attempts at contact whatsoever.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Well my advise is to stay away from your sis in law , these type of girls are extremely dangerous and she has this ability to destroy you and your family - your brother's wife and your life - i am not blaming everything on her
but giving mix signals to a unmarried guy is one of the most dangerous things a girl can do
you can't read her emotions and way of thinking - you thought she is attracted towards you but she complain
about attempt of rape - even our prophet(PBUH) when asked about Pardah issue with husband's brother
prophet(PBUH) replied that this is a killing relation and from my own experience i can tell you that this is true
in your case the issue is when she was telling others and her family members that you are doing something wrong or she try to gave you signals that she don't want this then you should have not touch or try to kiss her etc - i believe its a very complex issue of love and obsession and may be you have sort of physical attraction towards her - my advise is don't be involved with her and stay away from any stuff that can make you think about attractions towards her etc - even if you love her for the sake of her and your brother life and your own life stay away from this matter - don' think about her -
"And then she finally told me that she loved me when she was not married with my brother but she is unable to tell me. [...] My brother told me finally, and warns me to stay away from her or he will leave this house with her."
I think your sil is using to you try and get her husband to move out of the house. Not saying she doesn't have the right to her own accomodation. I'm just saying that he probably doesn't want to move out, because after all the things you have done he still hasn't! She seems to be leading you into wrong and then advertising it to her husband, and is accumulating her greviences until he can't take it anymore and moves out.
Which doesn't excuse the way she is behaving. You're being used and being led down the wrong path. Stay away from this woman. Move out if you have to.
your committing a sin by going after a married women. she's committing a sin by being so "free" with. i think its her that should be asking "how to stay away from brother in law"
do you want to destroy your brother marriage life? if not. then back OFF NOW. ALLAH is watching your every move. so don't disappoint him.
PROPHET MOHAMMAD (P.B.U.H) said, its better if you put your hand through a nail then touch a non-mahram woman" so act accordingly.