Family won’t let me marry!!
assalaamualaikum,
I am in a position where I need Islamic advice asap! I have dated someone before marriage and it has gone on for very long so there's no doubting that he is a good person and we are very compatible. Five months ago, I decided to tell my family about him, so while my Dad was abroad I broke it to the rest of my family. They were NOT happy as we have only had arranged marriages in our family. And he is from a different part of Bangladesh that my family don't like (stupid really becuase that is a stereotypical view, not everyone from there is bad).
We live in London and he has told his mum and she even spoke to my mum on the phone and tried to solve things as she believes we should try and correct this mistake. But my mum was very rude and said she doesn't want to give her daughter to him right now. She believes I should finish my studies first and that will take another two years! They want me to stop seeing him in the meantime but that is extremely difficult for me and that is why I have tried to get married. My dad is very traditional and would be very angry, and my mum keeps saying that my dad will disown me if he is told and that she will get kicked out of the house too.
However, now she has accepted that I am not budging and I still want to marry him. But she is asking me to wait 2 years! I can't do that as this is a huge burden on me and I feel so immoral and also, we live in a busy community (London) so there is no getting away from people. We could be seen by relatives left right and centre! I'm always looking over my shoulder and wondering who will see me. My query is that I want to know, could I have an Islamic marriage ceremony now, without the presence of my parents just so that what I do (e.g, seeing him) isn't wrong? And will I be able to have another aqdh along with the celebration once my family tell my dad? This message is very urgent and needs answering as soon as possible, so please do reply!!!
salaams, Fatima.
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Praise be to Allaah.
If a woman gets married without the consent of her wali (guardian), her marriage is invalid and is not valid even if ten years have passed and even if they have children. It is essential to repeat the marriage contract after her guardian’s approval is obtained, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no valid marriage without a wali and two witnesses.” (Narrated by Ahmad and the authors of Sunan except al-Nasaa’i. See Saheeh al-Jaami’, 7558).
There is a warning against a woman who arranges her own marriage. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “A woman should not arrange another woman’s marriage and a woman should not arrange her own marriage, for the zaaniyah (adulteress) is the one who arranges her own marriage.” (Narrated by Ibn Maajah, 1782; see also Saheeh al-Jaami’, 7298).
I advice you to have patience like your mother has prescribed. Though it is sometimes really hard to be patient it brings many great satisfying rewards afterwards. I hope this information has helped a little.
Allah Knows Best
Assalamu Alaikum dear sister Fatima,
I agree with brother Ali M its best to listen to your mum and I think you getting married without your parents consent will make things worse.Perhaps what you could do in the mean time is to ask your mum to speak to your dad?And you can ask this brother you are dating to send a proposal?You see this way I think you have better chances of convincing your parents that he is the right guy and he is serious about marriage.
And in the mean time sis I would advice you not to see this guy!Im sorry for being brutally honest sis but as you say you are always looking over your shoulder and wonder who will see you...chances are that you will get caught one day and you know how some ppl are...they make false accusations...and this could make things worse for you and your family.
I pray that everything goes well for you sis InshaAllah.
Wassalam
Great answer 225osb. Lets hope this has helped our sis inshallah.
Allah Knows Best
JazakAllah Khair brother Ali M and yeh I hope that our replies will help sis Fatima InshaAllah
Additionally, Dr. Muzammil Siddiqi, former president of the Islamic Society of North America (ISNA) states:
Muslims should have good relations with all people, males as well as females, at school, at work, in you neighborhood etc. You should be kind and courteous to everyone. However, it is not allowed in Islam to take a non-mahram person or persons of the opposite gender as a very close friend. Such friendship often leads to haram. In the Qur’an, Allah mentioned that good men and women are those who marry, do not have fornicating relationships and do not have "paramours" or Akhdan see An-Nisaa’: 25, Al-Ma'idah: 5).
Akhdan are "sweethearts" or for a man a "mistress" and for a woman a "lover". The Prophet, peace and blessings be upom him, is reported to have stated that “whenever two strangers of the opposite gender are alone with each other, Satan becomes the third one between them.” (At-Tirmidhi)”
So it is not allowed for a Muslim boy to have a girlfriend or for a Muslim girl to have a boyfriend. Howsoever pure your intentions may be, the danger is that it will lead you to sin. Or at least you will be alone with each other and spend more time together.
hey your wali doesn't have to be your dad! go to the local mosque, and explain the situation and tell them you would like to get married. see what they advice. i don't understand these parents who show children romantic bollywood films, and then get mad when the kids hormones are functioning properly. but dear sister, relationship before marriage is haram, so go to the mosque and get nikkah done. you don't have to tell your parents yet. it would be the worst thing to commit zina because these parents are stopping the marriage. and zina is a very high probability in such a situation, and a major sin. either stay away from him, or get nikkah.
if you are too young to legally marry wherever you live, then stay away from him for the sake of saving yourself from trouble in hell. sometimes we don't get love at home and feel a boy is the answer. so please try to understand why you need this guy so bad.
assalamualaikum fatima sis i completely understand ur feelings lekin pehle toh aapne jo kiya woh galat hai yaani dating before marriage baaki ab jab kar chuke toh allah se maafi maango aur jahan tak shaadi ki baat hai aap kar sakte ho agar aap ko lagta hai ki woh ladka sahi har tarah se aur islamicaaly bhi aur agar aapko yeh lagta hai ki aap uske saath khushi se reh sakte ho toh aap us se shaadi kar sakte ho aur agar aapki family nhi chahti aur aap uska saath nhi chodna chahte toh plz aise hi milne se behtar hai aap shaadi kar lijiye gunaahon se bach jayengi inshallah allah ne itna haq toh diya hai..................i think this will help allahafiz
assalamualaikum i want to share this to u the prophet muhammad`s own view that "an unmarried girl should not be married until her permission has been taken" had recorded by both bukhari and muslim. abdullah ibn`abbas one of the prophet`s companions and a commentator on the quran, narrates the story of a girl who came to the prophet complaining that her father had her married off against her wishes. the prophet gave her the choice of either remaining within the bonds of wedlock or of freeing herself from them" it narrates taht a girl can marry of her wishes and islamic survey finds that marriage in which the both loves and heartly accepts eachother are successful most then i thinks rhat parents must listen to their childs atleast once ...................may be it solves the problem inshallah aameeen........... allahafiz
Assalamualeykum!!!
considering to Fatima's situation even am facing to a similar situation like that.i am the only girl and the only child to ma family.i am in love with a Muslim guy who is educated as well still continuing his studies.he is a very nice guy and also very caring.but ma parents and family are against with this relationship just because they say that he doesn't suit to are states and his parents are divorced.just because of that they are being against of this.i wanna know is ,is it mentioned in Islam to consider about states and family background in marriage?i know i need a wali to get married.but if i cannot make my mind to leave him and if they are against for a stupid reason how can i convince them by showing the points in Islam?please help me!
THANK YOU SO MUCH KINDLY FOR ALL UR RESPONSES! THEY HAVE BEEN VERY HELPFULL. I AM FACED WITH A NEW ANXIETY NOW. MY FATHER NOW KNOWS BUT IS NOT HAPPY WITH WHO I WANT TO MARRY. HE HAS SAID THAT I CAN MARRY THIS GUY, BUT I WILL NOT BE ALLOWED BACK HOME AFTER THIS AND I CAN NEVER SHOW MY FACE AT THE DOOR OF MY HOME AFTER I GET MARRIED. I FIND THIS SO HARSH BUT I AM TOO SCARED TO CONFRONT MY FATHER AND 'TALK BACK' TO HIM. REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT I CAN DO TO HELP THIS SITUATION....
Greetings...
You are not alone in this type of situation. As immigrants to the UK, (if that is what they are) your parents may be failing to understand the circumstances that you find yourself in. They are set in their ways, and it is very difficult to break out of the mold, that no longer works, now that you are in fact where you are. In a different culture. Your parents didn't grow up in your situation, and even if they really wanted to understand, they probably couldn't. It's not something you can expect them to handle well in a short ammount of time. It's merely one of many difficult sides to immigration and family dynamics etc.
Why not wait for two years, and in that time, you can reason gently, and skillfully with your family. After one year, all may be well. Or sooner. Or not. This way you have hope, and time to nurture both relationships in healthy ways. Also, you might discover your boyfriend isn't the one you want after all. He will wait if he's half decent. You ought to want to know about him, and see if he can, or will support you in this situation. This seems like a good test for all parties. Ask your boyfriend to pull back and remain honourable, as his reasonable effort in this, as your friend. He can understand the pressure you have with your family, and he will need to help you by letting you know that he will wait with you for two years, or however long it takes. Marriage is for a lifetime. Two years is nothing. Believe me, you don't want to marry with unseemly haste. The missery of being unhappily married is un thinkably worse than waiting for a while. Be smart, and look after your self. Many people have this type of difficulty.
This probably won't change anyones mind, but it's mentions worthy:
Source unknown.... sorry
If the love between the two parties did not transgress the limits set by Allaah or make them commit sin, then there is the hope that the marriage which results from this love will be more stable, because it came about as the result of the fact that each of them wanted to marry the other.
If a man feels some attraction towards a woman whom it is permissible for him to marry her, and vice versa, there is no answer to the problem except marriage. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “We do not think that there is anything better for those who love one another than marriage.” (Narrated by Ibn Maajah, 1847; classed as saheeh by al-Busayri and by Shaykh al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, 624)
Sincerely, Lars.
thank you evryone for your responses. i can't thank you enough for the kindness and support u have offered me. i feel very touched and grateful that i have such kind brothers and sisters out there, no matter what part of the world they are in. JazakAllah )