My father Physically abuses my mother. How can I deal with this?
Hi.
I Am 26 years old, married, with 2 kids.
My parents have a worst relationship since their early marriage days due to my grandmother who was a big interference in my parents' life, which made my father n mother never come close to each other.
My dad stopped trusting her for all the bad things happened in their life...
My mother has been abused physically and verbally by my grandmother n father. My mother tolerated everyhting coz of society pressure and scare of divorce and of course for her 5 kids.
We all r grown up but the habit of my father of treating her bad and not trusting her is increasing day by day. I feel that to my dad, his sisters are more important n they r very influential too.
My mother never had a say in her own house. This kept on going. Last year my sister received a mariage proposal from my dad's sister's son,which my mom didnt like to accept for the same reason but my dad was very interested...
We all made a NO n it was a NO finally.. But later my dad stopped talking wid my mother saying that i wanted that relationship n u didnt listen to me n bla bla...
This no-talking session went on for one year...my mother kept talking when needed and he always replied rudely. She kept performing her duties and she still is...
2 days back they had a verbal and physical fight coz my dad broke up a news of goin to Iran for some work, which made my mom so pissed dat after all this torture how come he is so easily goin for enjoyment...
After this he changed his room too, which made us all more upset n he had been doin such things all this 26 yrs... Separating rooms n no talkings n not taking her to family gatherings n telling everyone she doesnt wana come etc....
All this situation has made my mom a strongest woman but last night she cried so badly n askd me what did i do bad to him and i had no answer just that ALLAH is watching it all....
I feel so so so sorry for my mom n for my father too coz I see him upset too, but i dont know why he is so rigid. My siblings tried alot to talk to him n come back to his room but as ever its of no use but instead we r verbally abused too...
I dont hate my dad but i dont know how to change him.. I dont know why he can't see the efforts my mother does for him...
My dad is a poilitically social man, everytime his guests come up n my mom does her best to serve them and never said a single NO, but in return she never ever gets a goood result
please tell me how to give her sabar and how to deal with my dad..
~ Mrs.RM
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Asalamualaikum sister,
your dad as a Muslim is emotionally abusing your mum and has done so for too long - I think he finds it normal to talk and treat her the way he does.
For an intelligent man he seems very ignorant. If all the years of marriage have not taught him anything then nothing will. Your mum sounds caring and in need of love but she seems almost afraid to leave the marriage and I'm afraid at her age she might just stay in it.
Have a talk with your dad and try to find reason with him to try and change but I can assure you someone like that who thinks they are always right and domineering will never change.
Just be there for your mum and support her in anyway you can.
May Allah bless you
Nadia
Salamualaikum,
Sister, I don't think you can do anything in this case. Your parents' problem is an old one and intense. It is very difficult to change your father's behavior, even so, your mother seems to be normal with that now. She is used to all this now.
You can not do much. And I don't think you can speak to him about this matter. If you do so, he's going to treat you the same and abuse you, as you said he sometimes does.
So, I see no solution to this problem, and Allah Knows Best.
Wassalamualaikum
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Brother Waseem just curious why you think she can't talk to her father about it? She is married and a mother and also mature to handle this if not her husband should protect her if her father torture his own grown up daughter who wants to know her fathers problem ?
Sister nrh,
The father has been so for years now. And his actions have become his habits. He has no regret for what he does, per me.
And I said about the sister that talking to him won't work, based on the sister's words:
My siblings tried alot to talk to him n come back to his room but as ever its of no use but instead we r verbally abused too."
Makes it clear that it's not going to be of any use.
Only Allah can Help in this. He can change the hearts of the beings to turn to any direction he wants.
Subhanallah
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I agree but brother the sister said "my" siblings tried I couldn't find any word like "she tried" if she was said "we" tried then it would have been clear that's why I thought she might give at a go maybe her siblings are young and not married that's why her father treated maybe the senario would be different if she talk to him. Sister knOws best.
Oops I apology brother waseem she did mention "we" I am sorry should have read carefully. Sorry for my another careless comment :/
As- Salaam-o-aliakum brothers and sisters,
I have the same problem , my mother is been abused by my father and his family since 30 years and curse her all time that she would go to HELL and its my mother and we who had spoiled his life and route coz of all his problems.
We are 3 sisters and am the eldest and married. my husband is supportive but i cannot involve him in this coz my father will abuse him too.
My father has never ever worked sincerely for family expenses too nor is Allah fearing he had been threatening us that he would suicide all time, torturing us emotionally and mentally , some how my uncle and coz brothers have taken care of us all these years and made us study.. My father thinks females are to be treated this way only . Even when he was hospitalized it was my mother and we who did everything from taking care to arranging for money but even the day he was released from hospital he started misbehaving with my mother.
I just want Allah to give us some solution for life, it hurts all time to see your mother being tortured and his dirty family enjoying our grievances.
My story is the same.. my father never appreciated my mother or us.. my mother has single handily raised me and my three sisters . Anyways last night somthing happened that has never happened before.. he abused her.. now I am a 21 year old man.. this abuse boils my blood and puts me in a rage.. in the past I have never interfered between them but now this is becoming unbearable..I just want to know should I confront my dad..is that allowed in islam?.. will that make me a bad son?
yES YES YES! Confront your dad you are old enough to actually stop him, it wouldn't make you a bad son. Encourage your mom to divorce, because abuse is haram and so is anger.
It doesnt matter how old you are, imagine your mom suffering the worst kinds of pain and torture in the world at the hands of him. How does it feel? Now use this anger for something good,stand up to your mother before she dies and you regret not doing anything (she will most likely die before you do and you'll be left with regrets). The well intentioned caring nurturing feminine are abused by the self serving masculine a lot, far too often for it to be a coincidence. She handled pain giving birth to you, she literally serves you and the rest of your family as if she were a slave or something, imagine living like that, she cares about you and your family A LOT more than she does about herself and you let her suffer more at the hands of your father or his idiotic cunt of a mother. If i was you i'd beat his mother to death just for how good itll feel, getting all that revenge.. but anyways im obviously a bit psychotic and in an edgy teen phase, taking all my anger out on my father who used to beat my mother, i have no idea why i started typing here not that i care and i acknowledge this is an old post but if i reach even one person whos going through the same thing that will be enough for me. So anyways, more on the kind of feminine that refuses to feel hatred, http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2220903/Tina-Nash-Blind-mother-boyfriend-gouged-eyes-12-hour-attack-tells-ordeal.html
Do something about it, make it clear that if the law doesnt get revenge for you guys, you WILL make him suffer, and do it, kill his dumb witted mother and him. Not painlessly though, do it in the most painful way you can find.