ASSALAMU ALAIKOM,

I would like to ask your kind help concerning my current situation. Before I converted to Islam I was married and have children, but when I knew the true religion is Islam, I converted to Islam and asked my wife to convert to Islam as this is the true religion, but she disagreed.

I decided to go far from her and I was just sending money to my children as part of being a father. Years later I met a Muslim woman and I asked her family for her hand in marriage. We got married without informing my previous wife.

Now my Christian wife has found out that I have married again and she told me she will file a case of adultery against me. For a long time I did not go home but I always sent money to my children.

What will I do? Is it possible that my previous Christian wife can file a case on me because I got married to another woman?

- abz

I am a 30 year old Pakistani girl and have been with someone for two years we have met several times face to face and over the 2 years our feelings for each other are getting stronger. He lives in another country and I live in the UK.

The problem is that I mentioned to my family a year ago that I wanted to get married to this man (he's an Arab) but they cannot come over the cultural differences and how the community would perceive them. I have asked my father  many occasions to speak to him and he's refused, he wants nothing to do with it.

I have asked myself the question if it is worth it and if it's the right thing to do. Each time I find myself back to the same question why can't I marry him? I am attracted to him physically and emotionally, he has good deen and I know he will try his best to make my family happy and make it work, but my family are adamant that we do not mix with other cultures we have to stick to our own.

I'm becoming a very bitter person and have nothing positive to look forward in my life, sometimes I wish my parents had arranged my marriage when I was 25 yrs but they did nothing then and now that I find someone I have to let him go, because they can't accept.

Recently I asked my mother what is that you don't like about the person and her answer was that how will the society look at us, she believes that we would be degrading ourselves.

They keep saying to me that a proposal of marriage should come from the man himself and the girls family should not make no proposal, but if they are not willing to speak to him over the telephone then how can he do this? He made the proposal to me and I broke the news to my family and later he wanted to speak to them, but my father is being stubborn and refuses.

I have asked him to come to the UK to meet my family, even though its not an easy process to get a visa he's trying and asked for me to be patient, except my father keeps saying it takes 3 months, but I have tried to explain that sometimes things can take longer, this is now out of my hands and his hands and we just pray that he can get visa. My father doesn't want to wait no more and is telling me that I should go and do what I like, even though I am tempted to go there and get married I know that I can't do nothing without the consent of my father.

I know this. I cannot marry anyone else not while I feel strong feelings for another Muslim, it wouldn't be fair on the other person because I know myself, I would end up resenting them and wishing for another life, so on that  I have asked my family until the end of Ramadan, after that I will have 2 choices 2 make

1. to leave my family house and live on my own

2. go and get married (without the consent of my father)

Either way I know they both are not advisable for any Muslim girl, so what can I do? I can't make someone come to the UK in matter of weeks and marry me, even though I'm willing to wait for as long it takes but my family think its a race to get me married. What do I do? and can I ask an imam to be a mediator with my family?

- sameena

I asked him if he was sure he wanted to marry a non Muslim female and he kept telling me yes, he loves and wants me; but since we got married he insults and degrades me, calls me stupid constantly.  He avoids me for days.  He says women are emotional and irrational.  And me loving him is my stupid fault.  Calls me names and is not caring and tender during intimacy.  He tells me when we fight if I would just do what he says then he would not be angry.  He says things HAVE TO BE his way all the time.  He blames everything on me and gets defensive when I ask him questions.

I was rubbing his hair one night and could see he was troubled, which is every day now, and he snapped at me and told me "Get off of his back".  He last Saturday after a stupid fight, divorced me..saying he is no longer my husband.  Told me I was stupid didn't I understand what he said.  No wife she could cause him stress.

He kicked me out the week before and then a few days later came back apologizing me begging me to forgive him.  He said he was sorry for pushing me away.  Sorry for taking his stress out on me.  Now 3 days later he has divorced me.

He says we are not compatible because I don't do it HIS WAY all the time.  Everything is my fault again.  Things would be easy if I would just do what he wants.  He told me no one cares for him except for Allah; but I care and love my husband so much.

So for 5 days I left him alone.  I couldnt take it anymore and came back to talk to him.  He was nasty telling me am I stupid we are divorced and in 3 months it is done.  he doesnt think Ill change to do whatever he says.  He is considered about his well being only.

I love Allah and I don't believe I am suppose to be treated like this.  I've read the Quran and read it in secret to to understand more.  I don't want to lose my husband.  I don't want a divorce and I even begged him not to let me go.... I'd do whatever he asked.  He tells me he has no patience at all and I  never do whatever he tells me, even if he tells me to SHUT UP.  He does that alot.

When we first did our contract all I asked for my Dowry was a ring and a marriage ceremony so my non-Mulsim family could attend in 1 year.  Our marriage was just us and in Starbucks.  He is an acting Imam; but was this legal?  When I asked him about my ring, he said he needed time; but I feel he did not seriously marry me and had no intentions of being with me for long.

I feel like he lied to me and he hurts me intentionally.  I don't understand, I have the biggest heart and he would tell me almost everyday how sweet I am.  And then later start the abusive words and acts.  There is a whole lot more but very embarassed to talk about.  I feel hopeless and helpless.  Please HELP!!

- seleyan12

Asalam wa alyakom my brothers and sisters

There’s a guy that’s asking for my hand in marriage.  I prayed salat al istakharah a lot and I had a dream that I said yes to him and I was so happy and his face looked like it was lighting. I always have a strong feeling that I should say yes.

They also say that one of the signs that Allah gives you to show you the right way is people around you either want or don’t want two people to join into marriage. Well two of my sisters think I should. One of them just told me I should say yes recently and her judgment means a lot to me. My other sister told me I shouldn’t.

This guy seems like a good person. He’s nice and religious, but comes from a poor family which is why my sister doesn’t want me to say yes plus I would have to live in our country for a  year or two with his family until we go to America and get settled.

Another problem is that his dad has a mental illness, bad mental illness. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even think my parents want me to say yes. If I didn’t have such strong feeling for saying yes I would say no. These feelings are pretty intense. No it’s not love it’s so hard to describe. I would just be sitting down in my room and then its like my heart hurts out of nowhere with the feeling I should be saying yes to him it’s so weird. I can’t even describe it well.

Then there’s my cousin who is in love with me. Almost everyone wants me to say yes to him but I don’t want to say yes at all. This will bring major problems to my family. It will make my mom’s family not even talk to us. My parents don’t believe in forcing their children to get married so whatever I say is what will happen, plus it’s against Islam to force your child into marriage.

My grandparents try to pressure me into saying yes but I don’t like him at all. There are a lot of reasons I want to say no not only Islamically but he’s just not right for me at all. We're not compatible. I didn’t even pray Salat al Istakhara for him for fear of the outcome that’s how much I want to say no. I want to say no, but I don’t want my mom to not have parents or sibling she told me not to worry but I feel bad. I am pretty sure I’m going to say no but what do I say so that they don’t get mad at my mom? Should I say yes to the other guy or no? Is there another duaa or prayer that can help me? Inshallah I’m going to Mecca soon so I’m going to say salat al istakhara again. Thanks for reading.

Salam,

- islam4life29

Both of my parents are full time working. My dad has to spend most of his time out of station and mom in the hospital, I would be left with my aunt and cousins.

One day, a man came to my house when I was about 5 or 6yrs old, he came to marry my another aunt who can not speak or hear. I don’t know why I remember this, I don’t know if im hallucinating or imaginning it…but I remember it like yesterday. That night lights went out and he was talking to me and told me to do something. I remember doing it and then he said it will hurt like a needle prick. I remember imense pain, I tired to pull him off but I was weak, It was like a stone kept on my body I couldn’t move. I can still feel the hot tears on my face. I didn’t know what happened he told me that the jinn’s did it to me. I remebered it all along but I never knew the meaning of anything until I was 16 and I realised why I was afraid of dark and why I am afraid of needles.

After all these years, I still can't move on from that (and what I went through afterwards), I havent told anyone that I remember any of that, I tried talking to a cousin but she doesn’t  remember anything either, but my other cousin said she remembers a man but nothing else. Those memories torment me, I get so sad, and I keep asking my self why it happened.

And then when I was 16, everyone was having boyfriends, I wanted to have too but never got a guy I really liked. I got in to peer pressure and accepted an offer, to be honest I didn’t like him at all. I was too young and I didn’t know anything and I commited a sin that I would have never in my dreams thought I would and worst of all I got pregnant. I knew being in a muslim country I would be punished, I wanted the baby but my boyfriend didn’t, he said there was no life for us that way. I don’t blame him as I gave in, no one forced the pills down my throat, it was my fault.

I got pregnant when I actually decided to stop doing that shameful act but after the abortion, i don’t know what happened to me. I lost who I am, I would just give anything to become the inncoent me again, even when I know it is not possible. After that I did not stop committing that sin, I got possesive over my boyfriend and he too changed, he lied to me and didn’t care for me at all, he would only come to meet me if he needs some money from me, and that hurt me more because I knew he didn’t want me, but I wanted him because at that time I knew that I couldnt face another man, like that.

My parents and everyone disapproved of his family, even from the beginning but I continued to see him, but after 2 years of that my parents sent me abroad to study and also to keep me away from him. Being away from him, I realised that I don’t love or want that man more than my parents so I broke up with him, but I was emotionally tormented; I am still.

I met a nice guy, he was very caring and loving, he knows I am alone so he would everyday drop and pick me up from college even if he had to stay outside for 2 hours after his college is over. Still I was very imature, being the only child of my parents till I was 15, I was given more than the love I deserved. I shouldnt say this but If I had the knowledge I have now I woundnt have insha Allah be here posting this question(im not blaming my mother now, but there was a time when I did, but I don’t want my sins to affect anyone).

I told the truth about my life to him, he accepted me as I am but I did not want zina to be a part of my life, but again it happened, and when it happened everytime I would curse myself to giving myself away like that. Sometimes I would feel so guilty that i feel like I cant face Allah(swt) I feel like I will never be forgiven for the life I have taken, I heard my mom say that people who does abortion are people who deserve hell, it really discourages me to get in the good path and I keep on the bad, but I really want to be good.  I want to be able to face Allah on the day of judgement.

I don’t want this life and yet I am very weak in holding up to things I really don’t need to do. I can leave my boy friend, I feel that he would understand, and wait for me but then I am fearing to be alone in this country. I don’t know what to do. I wish I could take it all back and be a virgin again. I want to be that girl who was too scared to vist that memories from the past and who did not try to find it out. Even if it followed me like the shadow.

I am devastated as I have let so many people down, and EVEN ALLAH!!! And I feel like I have ruined my boyfriend’s life because he did not commit zina before he met me, like me he was living in ignorance, but now he would want to comitt zina when i don’t want, thankfully by now I have learnt NO!! A bit too late but still I feel happy when I use it, but I am weak in holding to it sometimes.

I have sinned so many times I have lost count, sometimes I want to end my life(I feel like there is no chance for me), but I have to stay alive for my mother as I am her only daughter, only child.

I don’t know the punishment for doing zina in hell, I tried looking it up but have not been able to find it yet.

Can you please tell me what it is?

- black-guilt

Assalaam Alaikum.

I married a non-Muslim woman and we have a 4 year old daughter. When I married her she was a Christian but nominally converted to Islam. At that time I was not very serious about my religion. However, after my daughter was born I have become more religious. I have also been trying to gently nudge my wife towards becoming a more observant Muslim for the last few years.

However, she has not budged from her position. She complains that I "waste" too much time on salah and it also disturbs her sleep when I wake up for fajr salah. She has never fasted in ramadan and has stated that she never will because it is too difficult for her. She also makes a fuss every time I go to visit my parents or send money to them. My parents are growing old but I am afraid I will never be able to care for them as long as I am married to my wife. She doesn't like to visit the mosque and also doesn't like it when I talk to her about wearing modest dress. We live in the United States and I am very concerned that my daughter will not grow up as a good Muslim.

After years of effort, I am beginning to give up hope that my wife will truly accept Islam. We have reached a point where every effort of mine to draw her towards Islam causes more irritation and conflict in the family. A few days back she threatened to divorce me if I further pressed this issue. I would also like to divorce her and move on with life, but am afraid that my wife will get custody of my daughter and lead my daughter to the path of kufr.

Please advise what I should do. Jazakallah.

- Haarith

i have done istikhara for my marriage. but i m confused.

i have seen that both of us travelling in a car and looked outside the window. he is on one window and i m on other. and one rose between us.

kindly tell me the meaning of it.

- zain asif

How to deal with jealousy?

Salamu Aleikum va rahmatullah,

I have a problem with jealousy and it is destroying my marriage. I'm married  and I'm masha allah good-looking and educated. I'm very happy with my husband and we are both practising Muslims. My husband is very handsome and very often, when we are invited to places where non-Muslims are present or women without hijab (sometimes even Muslims), the women stare at him and admire him for his good looks.

Very often they provoke me by flirting with him in a provocative manner and I'm not able to control my jealousy. I try to suppress it at that particular moment, but later on I tell him to take into account my feelings and to avoid small talk with them. My husband shows responsiveness to their flirting by engaging in conversations and then he says: Why do you make yourself small? Who says that they have more than you?

I wouldn't say that my self-confidence is low, but I don't like the fact that somebody is flirting with my husband or exposes in order to please him. My husband has started to treat me bad emotionally by humiliating me verbally. I try not to talk too much to non-Mahrams , but to what extent does Islam restrict social interaction? To what extent am I allowed to talk to non-Mahram men and to what extent  is he allowed to show responsiveness to flirting?

relationship has become hell. Even in our home country, when we are eating on one table (men and women), some of my female family members sometimes lift their veils ( showing arms, tops and jewellery) to attract my husband's attention. My husband talks to me in a very condescending tone and hurts me all the time. I don't flirt with other men and try to lower my gaze. I need some good piece of advice, he says I want to take advantage of Islam to restrict him. That' s not right. His ego is so  big, I don't know what to do.

Meanwhile, I feel ugly and bad, and suffer from depressions. I hate going out with him as wherever we go and wherever we are invited, the looks of the females surround him and this makes me feel insecure. Please help me, I love him so much, he's my whole life and I don't bear that. On the one hand, i know that preserving self-respect is important, but on the other hand I fear that I might never be happy in this relationship.

My mother says it was wrong to tell him that other women look at him, that this makes me feel insecure etc. She says that I have pushed his ego and consequently his actions are right. Now, meanwhile, he avoids any forms of conversations, says hello and doesn't shake hands; And I feel naked, as I told him all my weaknesses. I think the others noticed this change as my family is non-practising (in the West) , and so it has become embarassing.

I feel weak, naked and ashamed for being a woman, for having shown all the abysses of my female soul. And he doesn't love me the way he did before, he tries to avoid these things not to hurt me, not because they are haram. My family in the West is not practising, which makes it more difficult. And even among Muslims, the females often don't show haya, as in our native culture, men and women eat on one table.

Please help me, I'm thankful for any kind of advice. I'm losing my mind and my husband.

- Sister N.

My Dad taught me how to pray when I was about 10 and I was praying five times a day happily. I was a good muslim. Then, at some point, I stopped praying for a period of about 3 weeks. Then, I realized how bad it was so I started to pray again and asked Allah to forgive me because I couldn't help what Satan does to people.

Then I would stop praying for 3 week periods again and again and now, I've not been praying for so long, I don't know how long it's been!

I am really badly behaved, I am rude to my parents and I'm having doubts about whether Islam is 'right'. I hate myself for this and I don't want to be like this anymore. I need major help.

I ABSOLUTELY HATE SATAN AND WHAT HE DOES TO PEOPLE. I CAN'T BELIEVE PEOPLE ACTUALLY WORSHIP HIM AND HELP HIM GAIN POWER.

Please help me!!!

- Heba

I have a problem which make me to think all day and night. I have been in a relationship and we had decided to marry each other. We did something which were sin and I did those only because I was sure of my decision and wanted to marry him.(I'm a virgin and didn't lose my virginity but he has touched my body and I did so with him).

But for some problems we didn't marry and he didnt really try to convince my family to get their agreement for our marrige and then easily left me! I was really sad for all those sins I did and always asked God to forgive me... after sometimes there was another guy who asked me to marry him... I didn't tell him anything about that relationship and after we became engaged the first guy indirectly has sent some really bad email to my fiance and changed his mind about me.

I did tell my fiance that I did some sin and wanted to be honest with him but he didnt believe me and thought that I'm a bad girl... he left me too... this was another really bad event that happened to me. Now there is another guy which asked me to marry him and I know that a Muslim cannot be alone and is advised to marry but I don't know what to do. Should I tell him the truth or no? If I tell him I'm sure he won't believe me and will think that im a bad girl.

If I dont tell him it is possible that the first guy show up and try to change the mind of this new guy too as he did before and the reason that the first guy is trying to destroy my life is that he didn't get accepted by any other girl after we didn't get married and is really angry to see me getting marriage proposals from other guys!!

please help me what should I do?

Should I be compeletly honest or no?

- flower2000