Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I feel like ending my life! What should I do?

self hatred %photo
Assalamualaikum,
I have been in a relationship with a guy for 11 months which was really deep. We know each other since school but we never used to talk to each other at that time. I am a 23 years old shy and conservative girl.

After 6 years, he messaged me on facebook and thats how we started knowing each other. One day he insisted to meet me, so I meet him with my friends at my college. I just got to know from my mum that his mum gave a proposal to me, on the night before meeting him.  I was shocked and wanted to tell him not to meet me but it was too late. Instead, I told my friends.

After few days, I told him that I can't meet him anymore because of such event. He said that he doesn't know about it and apolozied for what his mum has done. I said still I can't and avoided his call.

One day, he called me and said that nothing will change between us even if we talk or don't (ie friendship). After few days of meeting and chatting, he declared and sweared in the name of God and his mother that he loves me and can't live without me. After rejecting several times his offer to become his gf before getting married to him, one day he cried a lot and begged me not to leave him.

He said how his family struggle to come to the state they are in now and so on. He said if I leave him he will sad forever and will never talk to me. I told him that I don't wanted to lose his friendship but I still used to talk to him whenever he called me.

Slowly and slowly I felt some feelings for him and went out with him as he promised not to leave in the name of God and his mother. One day, he asked me to show him my new house. After showing him my new house, he pulled me and was trying to open my clothes. When I pushed him and was trying to run away from him, he was pulling me. Wherever I was going, he was blocking my way, pulled me forcefully and pushed me onto the bed. I was crying and saying to stop but he didn't. We finally had sex. After that I bled. On his way home, he called me up and said " You are so innocent...anyone can use you!". Since then I was shocked, afraid and was crying a lot.

After the event, he stopped calling me like he used to do and whenever I used to call him and ask why, he used tell me that he was busy. He didn't even ask me once how was I feeling? After all it was my first sex which he knows it very well. After few months, he used to call me every wednesday to ask me to meet him on thursday. Everytime before meeting him, he used to promise me that he won't have sex with me but whenever we used to meet he always does even if I don't want to. If I don't want to, he either used to be sad and keep quiet or say" I have the right!".

Recently, I found out that he is getting married with someone else. When I called him, he said that his parents are not ready to listen to him. If he says about me, they will die because it seems that his mum hates my mum as she got to know that my parents told something bad his parents which he says he got it from 3 sources. I completely denied it because I know that my parents will never do so.

I told him "First of all, my father stays mostly in our country to take care of his business and comes here whenever he has some work. As for my mum, whatever she knows about you and your family are from the mutual aunties and she is not a person who will say bad about others. Infact we don't like people who backbites about others. How can they do such thing?! That impossible!" He shouted and said "Do you want me to prove?!" then when I asked him to prove he said that I know everything. I asked him "if I know everything, then why should I ask you?! and I will even know you other 2 sources also which you can't name now!" We had a huge arguement on it. He even said that I was playing with him and didn't love him at all. I was really shocked and depressed. He even said that he can't lose such opportunity because the girl who he is getting married to is an intellectual and good in studies. I couldn't believe his words!

I was so depressed and sick that I consulted a physician and she said that I am under acute depression and anxiety. I couldn't even tell her why because my mum was infront.

Finally, on his wedding day, I cried and told my dad everything (except for the illicit stuff). He became shocked and depressed. I asked to forgive me for whatever I did and to help me recover from such terrible event. He agreed and said to forget that guy as he never deserved me. Few days after his wedding, I told my mum about what he said and asked her whether she said anything wrong about his mum. My parents said they didn't say anything bad neither about him nor his mum. Finally, my mum spoke to one her friend, who name was given from 1 of those 3 sources. The aunt sweared that she didn't say anything to his mum not even spoke to his mum either. When the aunt called him and asked about the event. The guy told everything ( whatever I shared with him about our family matters) and said that he didn't say anything to me that my parents told something bad about his mum nor he took the aunt's name!

When the aunt asked about what he said about my father, he said that my father can't say anything as he doesn't stay over here the most. This is MY SENTENCE!!! He used my sentence to claim me wrong!! He even said his sister was there when he speaking with me. His sister also said that I told him all these!!!

When my mum told me this I was shocked to death!!! I couldn't believe my ears! Then what was his reason to leave me?! I can't forget all these...how will I lead a normal life...how can i forget such an event!!! How can he tell such LIES!!! God is watching...He is the only witness I have...what will I do??? Why isnt He doing anything??? How will I live?!!! Why did he do this with me!!! I feel like dying!!! I can't tell lie to my future husband because I am not good at lying at all! Even if I lie he will get to know one day and that day will the most miserable day of my life!!!

I never wanted to have sex before my marriage......!!!!!! I wanted to keep this as a gift of God for my husband!!! Now I don't have anything to give and share!!! I hate myself!!! HOW COULD I DO SUCH MISTAKES!!! I HATE MYSELF!!!
I want to die!!!

Please Help ME PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!

- Depressed


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12 Responses »

  1. My dear sister, Asalaamualaikum,

    Correct me if I am wrong, but I believe you wrote in about this back in June and I replied to you; this is the link below:

    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/he-promised-to-marry-me-we-committed-zinaa-and-now-hes-married-another-girl/

    Sister, I can see this matter has distressed you incredibly, although it has been a while since you submitted this new post so I hope you are feeling better and stonger inshaAllah.

    Before, I address any other issue, I want to address this matter of 'suicide' first.

    You have mentioned that you want to 'die'. Sister, 'dying' is not the solution to anything, if you are feeling this distressed and upset now, taking your own life will give you nothing but eternal pain and misery; furthermore Allah(swt) says explicitly in the Quraan: "And do not kill yourselves. Surely, Allah is Most Merciful to you". (Surah An-Nisa Verse 29)

    So please - take this thought of wanting to 'die' away from your mind - it is a great sin. You are going through is a difficult time of life and you are despairing - only because you cannot find a way out. Alhumdulillah you have sought help, so inshaAllah, we will help you to find a way out of this dark shell you have closed yourself in.

    You say: "I never wanted to have sex before my marriage......!!!!!! I wanted to keep this as a gift of God for my husband!!!"

    Your LIFE is also a gift from Allah. So why do you want to die? We cannot just pick and choose whichever gift we wish to accept or reject from Allah. You have ended up having sex before marriage, but Allah has promised to forgive you for any sins that you have committed and He(swt) is the Most Merciful, He(swt) always takes into account circumstances - and judges accordingly. This is NOT the end of your future. Everytime you seek sincere repentance from Allah, you are making a clean fresh start.

    However, if you decide to take your life - then there is no forgiveness. You will be doing yourself a greater harm by taking your life.

    The Prophet(saw) said, "Whoever purposely throws himself from a mountain and kills himself, will be in the (Hell) Fire falling down into it and abiding therein perpetually forever; and whoever drinks poison and kills himself with it, he will be carrying his poison in his hand and drinking it in the (Hell) Fire wherein he will abide eternally forever; and whoever kills himself with an iron weapon, will be carrying that weapon in his hand and stabbing his abdomen with it in the (Hell) Fire wherein he will abide eternally forever."

    Instead, Sister, do as Allah's Messenger advised, "Do not wish for death, for the terror of the place whence one looks down is severe. It is part of a man's happiness that his life should be long and Allah Who is Great and Glorious, should supply him with repentance."

    This article by Brother Wael may also be very helpful for you inshaAllah: http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/suicide-in-islam/

    ***

    Sister, moving on from the subject of suicide, you mentioned something very grave in this post that you omitted to mention in your previous post. You stated this man physically forced you to have sexual intercourse. What you have described sounds as though you have been raped through physical force and thereafter you have been emotionally forced into having sex repeatedly because you were not strong enough to say 'no' or to stay away from him. It is extremely serious and a major crime that he has committed against you and is recognised in both Allah's Law and worldly law. Have you confided in anyone about this or spoke to a doctor? This has understandably affected your emotional well being, so it is very important for you to speak to someone about this - a doctor or a counsellor perhaps? You may want to consider being checked medically to highlight any sexually transmitted diseases aswell. I hope one of my co-editors will write in with some advice for you on how to deal with this issue.

    Sister - you have clearly been wronged, but you must recognise that your disobedience to Allah also played a strong part in this situation you are in now. You allowed yourself to be alone with this man again and again, when Allah has warned us against being alone with a non mahram. Maybe you were not strong enough in your deen, maybe your parents never taught you, maybe your emotions over took your common sense - whatever the case, say Alhumdulillah that you are no longer in that situation.

    Accept your faults and turn to Allah in repentance; do not despair as Allah promises to forgive us if we sincerely repent: Allah, glorified be He, tells us: "Tell them (O Muhammad ): 'O My slaves who have wronged their souls, do not despair of Allah's mercy, for Allah will forgive all the sins. He is indeed very Forgiving, very Compassionate, Turn to Him then, and obey Him (in all your affairs).'" (Al-Zumar:53,54).

    ***

    There are number of things you can to do to try and help yourself guard this precious life Allah has gifted to you:

    1) Arrange some counselling for yourself - you have been through a traumatic experience emotionally and physically. You need to speak to someone to help you move on and help you strengthen yourself.

    Your life is precious - seek help from a counsellor - it will help you come to terms with what has happened, so it will only benefit you inshaAllah.

    2) Stop wasting anymore time on this man by trying to understand why he mistreated you, why he left you, why did he do this to you etc? The truth may be difficult to hear, but hearing it may also help you detach yourself from him emotionally. The truth is: there are nice men and nasty men in this world. Unfortunately, you bumped into one of the nasty men and being as naiive and distant from your deen as you may have been, he was able to take advantage of you; which is why we all need to stay within the limits set by Allah(swt).

    Your life is precious - do not waste anymore time on this bad natured man.

    3) Seek repentance and take responsibility: Seek repentance from Allah, He(swt) knows how vulnerable you were with this man; so will punish/reward accordingly. Accept part responsibility for ignoring the boundaries that Allah set for your protection. Having wronged your own soul aswell, you need to focus on repentance and doing acts to please Allah. So do not ever again allow yourself to be alone with a non-mahram. As you have seen, it is when we break the laws of Allah and when we waiver on doubt that we put ourselves in difficult situations. If then an evil natured person comes your way, it will be easy for him to take full advantage of you.

    So I will reinforce - do tawbah, do tawbah, do tawbah and focus your mend your connection with Allah. Leave thinking about this man, he is a waste of time.

    Your life is precious, so focus on the important relationships first; the one between you and Allah and inshaAllah when that relationship is strong, the others will fall into place.

    4) Appreciate Allah's gift of life to you: You asked 'How you will live?' - you will live as long as Allah wishes you to live and if you really know that this life is a gift from Allah, you will start to appreciate that He(swt) has saved you from continuing a relationship with this horrid man and hence committing sins and zina. You could have ended up falling pregnant, a number of things could have happened. But instead Allah made this man leave you and made you begin to question things.

    Your life is precious, if this man has left you, see it as a blessing in disguise from Allah.

    5) Do not think about your future husband right now. Just work on strengthening yourself emotionally and physically. When you are stronger and have regained confidence and love for your life and 'self', you will realise that what you went through was a major test for you, it was a difficult time and Allah got you through. When you are stronger, you will attract a nicer man inshaAllah for marriage. You will be able to apply the lessons you have learned through this experience and ensure you put Allah first in every decision you make. You do not have to tell your husband everything about this experience; it is between you and Allah and Allah has advised us to keep concealed what he has concealed for us through His Mercy. Any man who is God-fearing and non-judgemental will not dig into your past, instead he will quietly support you.

    Your life is precious - use the wisdom Allah has given you to strengthen yourself emotionally and physically.

    Sister - Ramadan, is upon us very soon inshaAllah. Use this time to become closer to Allah. After all you have been through, you are still a Muslim woman who has life, health, food on the table, a roof over your head and a loving family. So many people do not have all this, they are living in war torn countries. They do not know where their next meal will come from, they will have no food for suhr or iftar, their houses have been taken by the enemy, they have been abused physically/emotionally by kufr armies, they may not have water to perform ablution or even a clean place to pray.

    By mentioning this, I am by no means undermining what you have been through, you have clearly been through a very traumatic time - but I just want you to see that Alhumdulillah you have the health, wealth and deen to move on and make a fresh and clean start inshaAllah.

    May Allah help you and may we all live through Ramadaan and inshaAllah reap the full rewards of this month - Aameen.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com, Editor

  2. asalamu alaikum,

    hey how are you? hope you are feeling better. after reading this i can understand how hard it is for you, but how could you still stay in contact with him when he raped you? you also said " , he called me up and said " You are so innocent...anyone can use you!". so did it not occur to you he is only using for sex? but yet again you met him every thursday so he could rape you.

    so what you could do now is put the past behind you, i know its hard but time will heal. do you pray? if not start prayin your daily salaah, read alot of quran, repent and make sure you dont go back to your old ways. dont worry about your future husband instead think about gettin forgivness from Allah(swt).

    also get the thought of suicide of your mind, cos thats not a solution. you probably thinkin this will help you from suffering in this world, but have you considered whats gonna happen on the other side? the torment of the grave and the hell fire. the punishment will be severe. so remember once you die there will be no turning back.

    " we are all destined to die, so why rush to your death? "

    ma salama

  3. assallam alya koom wa hamdillallah,
    sister ALLAH is all knower and all aware,life is a test and there will be trails in the world that we will be face in life,i know this situation you going through is very hard,expecially when youre young you do mistakes,the 1st mistake is that you decided to go out with him,so any men's attention will say this girl is easy, i could do anything with her,because men's nature is about sexual needs,if he really wanted u,he wouldnt meet you up and try to rape you,this is not love,Love is to respect someone and always be with the person regardless what happens in life.i know its hard what you are going through,dont die over a man.because a man is not worth your precious life,men in these days abuse thier wives,in this world today muslim men go after their cultural veiws instead of islamic views,and thier iman is very law'thats why they commit these evil acts'its not your fault and youre not to blame,is his fault because he was the one that raped you and he stronger than u because a man is stronger then a woman in physical wise.ASK ALLah for forgivness,remembr ALLAH is the most merciful,and pray and make duas.to recieve a a man that will love you and respect you.dont think about this jerk ,because there will be karma ,something will happened to his marraige with his wife,seek repentence from ALLAH,ALLAH sees everything and knows everything,and the only witness you need is ALLAH the ALMIGHTY

  4. Asalaam o alaikom
    sister its very important to tell everytijng to ur mother also about sex because she is the only person who can help u in this hard time and if u speak about it ur pain will be less. Accept what is done to u I mean tell to urself its now happend; I dont want to know the reason why he did this to me; he didnt deserve me and therefor Allah(swt) has saved me from him and Iam strong enough to forget him and everything and my intention is good my lord helps me. Sister u really need to consult a psychologist and plz be honest to him or her tell everything sothat he can help u. Avoid places or things that can get u to recall him and also avoid being alone because then u remember the bad things. Try to come close to Allah(swt) and Iam sure u'll oneday be so thankfull to Allah(swt) that he has saved u from this man. The answear to why he cheated on u is simple because he is a cheater and a player and u've given him the chance to cheat on u. Why don't u claime about him to police that ur raped? My last advice is dont pressure urself to forget everything very fast
    and easy but instead give urself some time to heal and go on with ur life. Everyone makes mistakes but it does not mean to stop living after making mistakes. But learn from mistakes and try to learn others not to make the same mistak.

  5. Sister its time to teach him a lesson and take him to the hell he has not seen yet...see if you leave this guy just like that then in future there will be many girls suffering like you...atleast for sake of that you get me details regarding this guy....he was on a fun with you and he is going to see trial of punisment of allah from me in this world itself and after that he will be in the punishment of allah after death.....you dont worry girl..you will find many good loving and trustful guys in this world ...better marry some one good as soon as possible without even wasting a second ...if you tell the truth to some one and still he is ready to marry means ..he is really good and marry him...in a month after your marriage you will find peace and happiness in your life and regarding punishment of allah for you, dont worry about it if you were innocent at that time and shaitan took advantage of you...dont worry allah wont punish you rather he will punish shaitan for detroying its creations innocence and taking advantage of it. rest in peace dear time and life will take you on its own and allah is driving your life so be happy and dont worry about past or future.

  6. you were innocent amnd naive, and have a good heart. he used you for sex. i'm glad he didn't marry you. you would have had a miserable life if you had married a person like him. i don't know your mom, so depending on your relationship with her, share with her or not.

  7. sorry i missed the main point of this discussion. i agree with sisterZ. you are having such thoughts because of that miserable human being? you are worth way more than him. you have such a nice heart. i advice you to work on your self-esteem so that in the future nobody else can misuse you. and keep your kindness. it's not something everyone has. but some bad people do try to misuse people because of it. you have a whole life ahead of you. yes, you made a mistake. but repent and allah is most forgiving. ramadan is comming. what a better chance for repentence! don't worry about what your furure husband for now. and when you do get married, don't let the thought of this thing ruin it. you would have repented and inshallah be pure by then, and you don't have to share your past life with your spouse when you change yourself for the better. your married life will focus on the day to day happiness of your husband, your kids, and yourself. do go for counselling if you can.

  8. Salaams,

    I can only repeat the above advice. You can't continue to destroy yourself over this. You should only learn from your mistakes. If you sincerely repent, Allah is Most Merciful.

    That guy is a worthless, nasty human being. You put yourself in a position to let him destroy your innocence but it has happened now and you cannot undo it.. Don't let this event destroy the rest of your life.

    Depression is so rampant in todays day and age, but I read somewhere, that Islamically it is regarded as the least of all illnessnesses. Basically this means that it can and should be avoided and one shouldn't sink into depression if one is actively engaging in worshipping Allah. You need to repair yourself instead of fuelling your own misery.

    No human being is without sin, however great or small. Pray to Allah for forgiveness, guidance and patience, be consistent and never falter. I agree counselling should help just to get everything off your chest rather than doing your own head in. Re-channel your energies into positive things. Increase your Islamic knowledge. Learn and recite the Most Beautiful 99 Names of Allah and recite them whenever you feel your mood becoming negative. They are a wonderful remedy.

    You will look back one day and regret what you are doing now. Better yourself mentally and spiritually. You will want to get married one day, so work one yourself so that Insha'Allah you may be rewarded with a good husband who will take care of you and respect you. Avoid repeating this kind of mistake again of haraam relationships.

    Remember, be grateful of what you do have and thank Allah for giving you a chance to repent. I read a story where even after something bad, the message was this is good, as Allah knows best.

    Take care

    Hopeful

  9. I feel opposite by Being Guy of this era but not following the demands of this era .i avoided myself doing pre marital sex and still i am virgin and not married you will think that i am some abnormal person i myself not feel happy because i feel rejected in such era where i feel the Boys of my age are doing ugly things in society and claiming themselves courageous of doing such heinous things.i just feel it because i didnt follow the rules of this era and the result girls dont seems to be attracted by me.

    But inside i am happy that being a boy i am still protected myself from zinnah and never harmed anyones feelings and emotions.Who says i have right to marry only virgin girl it is not in my dictionary when it comes to marrying in Islam you are not buying something.A girl is not something you are trying as a used or new item.in my opinion every women deserves a help full hand.My arab muslim brothers sisters and my country pakistan is going through tough times regarded as end .we should change ourselves not for people but for Allah.if i would have been given a chance to marry you and save you from doing haram death.i would give my all.but on the basis of what is only possilbe.do salat and read tafseer of quran. and forget of past as bad memory.listen to music that builds hope.and increase love for Allah and his prophet.

    you will surely thank me than...

    i'll pray for you

  10. Salaam Sister

    Please take the advice of the brothers and sisters above - have faith and be strong, and insha'Allah your strength and iman will increase.

    What I need to address is your desire to hurt yourself or end your life - if you still feel this way, you MUST go to a doctor as soon as possible. They may prescribe antidepressants for you, and/or arrange psychotherapy. Please do this as soon as possible - depression is a very real disease and can be treated. it is very difficult to "pull oneself out of it" by yourself. Please don't feel any stigma or shame on asking for help for depression - it's very, very common. Insha'Allah, if you begin a course of antidepressants, your feelings of sadness and paranoia and guilt will decrease, and you may see things more clearly, and feel that there is hope in your life. The worst feeling in the world is to feel hopeless and guilty and feel no joy in anything. Please take my advice and see a doctor - and please let us know how you are feeling again soon.
    Take care of yourself- and know that nothing is impossible for Allah - say this dua: Please Allah-make this easy for me, You can make even misery easy if You please".

    Salaam.

  11. Be patient sis,
    Believe me one day u will get someone u dserve and he will love u no matter wat u did in the past, i promise.
    The best is not to talk about past with ur husband.

    It was not ur mistake, dat guy was psycho and u are lucky that u didnt marry him. I feel so sorry for the girl he married coz she must be living in hell but u r safe now.
    Pls wait for the rite guy to come into ur life. If u forgive urself then everyine will fogive u

  12. Instead of you turning your anger against yourself and get suicide thoughts, file a complaint against the rapist. He repeatedly raped you. It's normal that you are torn to pieces. File a complaint and let that girl he's marrying know. He'll rape her when they'll be married. If you don't want to have sex and someone forces you outside or inside a marriage is rape. Save his future victims and give him a hard time. He's worthless and unfortunatelly he caught you in his web, but you can fight back. Nothing worse can happen to you( repeat that to yourself). You've already been through hell. It was not your fault. Stop feeling guilty because you're not. Being inocent and naive is not a crime. He's the criminal.

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