Feeling worthless – my mother keeps bringing up the past
Assalamualaikum,
I'm a 17 years old girl, I did something horrible which was Skype masturbating with a stranger, and I don't know why I did that. I'm afraid that he video taped me and upload it on the Internet. I asked him whether he did that or not, and for so many times, he said no. I feel scared and anxious everyday, I wonder if I could do something to get a clue from Allah SWT whether what he said is true or not?
A week later, I told my mom about this, she was horrified. She was terribly sad. My mom told me to wear hijab, so I did. My mom also told me to pray sunnah more often, and I did it. I am committed not to do it anymore. But, from that time, every time I did something wrong, she always brags that problem, and she said I have no dignity, I have no brain, I have no manner, and if the guy did video taped me and upload it on the Internet, I will be a shame for the family, and if I do it again, she won't even admit that I'm her daughter anymore. Basically, she makes me feel worthless, I keep wondering whether I am worth to keep being alive or not because I'm just being a burden for my mother's life now. Please help me.
B296
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assalamualaikum sister, make tawbah and try not to do this sin a again. Don't worry about what your mom say because she just angry and saying anything that comes to her mind
Asalam o alaikum. Sister. First of all we all are humans and humans make mistakes. I personaly don’t think that he uploaded it on the net. You are just anxious and your mental level is not stable at the moment believe me that has happend with me when you get paranoyed and hysteric over nothing at all.
Ask Allah for forgiveness and repent sincerely. For Allah loves us 60 times more than a mother. And Allah says "my mercy over powers my wrath".
What happend to you was just a small shock to get you on the right path and I believe it did. Please do not do such things in the future and keep repenting to Allah.
Try to talk to your mother and tell her that it is not good for you that she always brings that up coz its hurting you mentaly.
Dont talk to strangers and oblige the orders of Allah. Read the following dua for peace of heart and mind.
إِنِّيْ أَعُوْذُ بِكَ مِنَ الْهَمِّ وَالْحُزْنِ
وَأَعُوْذُ بِكَ مِنَ الْعَجْزِ وَ الْكَسَلِ
وَأَعُوْذُ بِكَ مِنَ الْبُخْلِ وَالْجُبْنِ
وَأَعُوْذُ بِكَ مِن غَلَبَةِ الدَّيْنِ وَقَهْرِ الرِّجَالِ.
La ilaha illa Allah Al-’Azim, Al-’Alim, la ilaha illa Allah, Rabbul ‘arshil ‘Azim, la ilaha illa Allahu, Rabbus-Samawati wa rabbul ardi wa rabbul ‘arshi karim
Ya Hayyu, ya Qayyumu, bi-rahmatika astaghithu
‘Allahumma rahmataka arju, fala takilni ila nafsi tarfata ‘ain, wa aslah li sha’ni kullahu, la ilaha illa anta
‘Allah, Allah, Rabbi la ushriku bihi shai’an
La ilaha illa anta, subhanaka, inni kuntu minadh-dhalimin
للّهُـمَّ إِنِّي عَبْـدُكَ ابْنُ عَبْـدِكَ ابْنُ أَمَتِـكَ نَاصِيَتِي بِيَـدِكَ، مَاضٍ فِيَّ حُكْمُكَ، عَدْلٌ فِيَّ قَضَاؤكَ أَسْأَلُـكَ بِكُلِّ اسْمٍ هُوَ لَكَ سَمَّـيْتَ بِهِ نَفْسَكَ أِوْ أَنْزَلْتَـهُ فِي كِتَابِكَ، أَوْ عَلَّمْـتَهُ أَحَداً مِنْ خَلْقِـكَ أَوِ اسْتَـأْثَرْتَ بِهِ فِي عِلْمِ الغَيْـبِ عِنْـدَكَ أَنْ تَجْـعَلَ القُرْآنَ رَبِيـعَ
قَلْبِـي، وَنورَ صَـدْرِي وجَلَاءَ حُـزْنِي وذَهَابَ هَمِّـي
May Allah solve your problems, give you peace and keep the shaitan away from you. ameen.
Wsalam sister,
First of all, you did something natural. You are a human being with urges, with a desire for the opposite gender. Your mother has the exact same urges. The fact she is continually hurting you by making you feel ashamed by acting on a natural desire which you regret, is her wrong and not yours. Tell her politely to respect you and not bring that up, tell her that all humans make mistakes and that she should recall her own mistakes and improve herself as opposed to making you feel bad.
You did something sexual on the internet? So what? You made what you feel is a mistake, you moved on. End of story. Nobody thinks its a big deal, nobody will judge you, nobody cares.
The boy won't upload it - if he does, you can have him prosecuted for a criminal offence and arrested and he will have to take it down anyway.
Your mother shouldn't care what other people think of you, if her reputation to others is more important than her daughters well being you are better off distancing yourself respectfully from your mum.
Tell her politely, be firm - do not let her use shame to control you and abuse you.