Engaged for 10 years but can’t get married because, fiance can’t support me financially
Assalam O Alaikum,
Please forgive me for my English as I am not good at it. I am ** old. I was engaged and then had my Nikah done by my family when I had just become a teenager. It was more like an engagement as I didn’t live with my fiancée. I would call him my fiancé as in our family traditions; Nikah is also like an engagement and it’s repeated on the wedding day. It been 10 years since and a lot of things have changed. I liked my fiancé. When I went to my country to study; my family wanted me to get married but my fiancé and his family refused by saying that they can’t afford marriage yet. I studied hard by doing everything I could so that, I can support myself and my family after marriage.
I fell in love with another guy because I was very young and not mature then. I fell for him because I had no one around me, couldn’t share my problems with anyone which I was facing because of living alone. No body was there to help me but this guy helped me a lot. I don’t know whether, he used me or whatever but now he is gone. That is another distressing story. My problem now is that I have always struggled because of my fiancé. He is 28 years old and don’t have any job, can’t support me so, I can’t get married. My father helps me financially but my fiancé has never helped me with anything so far. Even if I want to talk to him, I have to do it myself, I mean I pay for everything and this is the reason I can’t get married. This other guy came into my life just because my fiancé was never able to support me in any way.
My fiancé says that his intention is to help me someday but when? I am in too much trouble and always stressed out because now my family makes me feel that I am burden upon them and they say that my fiancé cannot support me. I am tired and can’t put up with this anymore, I want to runaway from all this. I can’t even explain my situation properly. I think sometimes that, I should leave him as he will never be able to support me and I will always suffer. I am a good Muslima at heart and never look at men but I have to deal with every body. I have to study hard and succeed myself as I know that my husband can’t even give me my basic rights. I feel like I am dead inside and nothing is left in me. I feel like I want to die.
What should I do, because these are very hard times and I am still facing same situation and don’t know how long I will have to face? Should I leave him? I don’t know what to do? Sometime, I feel like this is what is written for me; to do everything myself as I can I fight with my destiny? I don’t know if I will meet someone caring one day. My family is also very irritating and I don’t know if I leave him then what they will do with me. They might force me to whomever guy they choose for me because my family think that as far as he is husband, even by name, that’s enough for them; they will get rid of me. I don’t know what to do and where to go?
Muslim
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to me it seems like he will never change make dua ....and your fiance is waisting your time so leave him there are many good men out there inshlh someday u will find mr right just keep making dua hope all the best for u sister
Salam sister,
I highly suggest that you talk to your elders and inform them about your feelings and distress. Tell them that it has been 10 years and this man is now 28 years old (men his age are often settled enough for marriage), yet has nothing to offer you. How much longer must you wait for him to settle down? Also, from what you have written I can sense that he is not all that caring or worried about this matter. He seems to have nothing to support you and I feel you will just end up wasting more of your time. Therefore, get your elders involved, tell them how you feel and stress either to : A) tell him to get a decent job and marry you or B) end this engagment as it is leading no where, only giving you false hopes.
My duaas are with you and your family.
Stay strong!
As salamu alaykum Muslim,
You sound as an extremely strong woman, you are so young and someway you have gone through so much, you have been carrying with your life alone in many ways, it seems that your father cares a lot about you, why don´t you talk to him directly about what is happening to you, about your worries, is it possible?
Please, give your family an opportunity, they have given you an education and are taking care of you, talk to them about everything, you don´t know their reaction till you deal for real with the situation, you may get surprised by them, only Allah(swt) knows.
Please, think positive, I know you have been many years dealing with an unknown situation, but you need to end that uncertainty and build up a consistent and real present for you, then first of all, sit quietly where nobody can disturb you for a while and be with Allah(swt) and then do the steps necessaries to have back you life completely, doing the right decisions and movements, insha´Allah.
I assume you are praying, have you thought about doing Istikhara? You have on top of this page a label that says Istikhara questions and answers, and other one that says Duas, both of them will be very helpfull for you, insha´Allah.
Please, move step by step and if you can and remember it, everytime you are going to make an important movement in your life remember to say "Bismillah" and afterwards "Alhamdulillah".
May Allah(swt) bring Peace, Hope and Light to your Heart, insha´Allah.
All my Unconditional Love and Respect,
María
As salam u alaikum...thank you very much for all the comments..i can't talk to my dad.in our family it is very difficult to talk to the elders.but can i ask one more question.is it safe to search for a nice muslim on the internet as i have no other means.and is it safe to talk to know the person by talking.if not i won't talk because i'm already very scared and i always repent for the sin that i did by falling for that guy.so i don't want to gain anymore sin.or should i sit idle not looking for anyone and just complete my studies and let it all to God which i have left to Him now and then.but i just have this confusion that should i look for somebody or no.?
Sister u have to get divorced first before considering talking to others. You'll made nikkah so this was not just an engagement. In Allahs "eyes" your'll were husband and wife. You first need to dissolve your marriage with this man.
Follow your heart. Do you want to re-marry or not? If you want to re-marry then do something about it. Inform friends and family that you looking for a suitable partner. But please do this once your current marriage is dissolved. I think there is nothing wrong about looking for a partner on the net as long as you know the limits.
If you can't speak to your dad which I'm sure would be awkward for me as well then speak to your mum or a relative about how you feel. Look your family is irratated with this guy, they need to help u get out of this. Maybe u might just like one of the marriage proposals that your family introduces you too. Nobody can force you to marry against your wishes. You are old enough now.
Dear Muslim Sister, Asalaamualaykum,
You are going through a difficult situation. You are tied up in a marriage contract with a man since the tender age of 13 years. You have spent the last 10 years of your life in a confused state: you have had a nikah done but not allowed to enjoy your marital rights and your husband is not supporting you as a husband should be doing. Your family do not appear to be supporting you either and now you have turned to a third man for comfort and security.
What you need to not do is even think about starting a new relationship. This is the worst thing you could do when you have so many other things to deal with. You are in a marriage contract with a man, albeit one that seems to have been reduced to literally a bit of a paper. Whether you choose to continue in your current marriage or to seek divorce, you can only progress by speaking to your husband and your father.
You said: "i can't talk to my dad.in our family it is very difficult to talk to the elders".
This is where the problem lies. This situation that you are in is not just an issue of you being in this confused marriage and state of limbo, something much deeper has been highlighted. That is the 'communication problem' in your family. This issue needs to be dealt with, once this has been overcome, it will unlock all the doors to freedom. It is not good enough to just say, 'I can't talk to my dad or elders' and then continue to make matter worse by looking for an internet relationship. This is unfortunately a common problem but one that is more prevalent in certain cultures.
I know it can seem daunting, but the only way forward is through communication. How can you manage to break away from all those cultural demons that are stopping you from talking to your father and husband with confidence? Perhaps you need some one to one counselling to help you.
I will write you again sister, have just been interrupted by two 18 month old babies jumping all over me.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor
ya there is a communication problem.because of which i am very scared.i even think because of this communication problem i falled for somebody wrong just for comfort by sharing all that i could never share with my parents.now i don't know i am afraid i just make Dua that is it.i am afraid if i even that if this man leaves me maybe my family will not allow me to study they will just force me into marriage with anyone whom they find and the situation will grow even more worse.i am afraid i just make dua that is it.i am afraid.i can't support myself.maybe they will start leaving me alone and torturing me and everything.thank you for your reply
Sister,
A few questions to help me understand your situation:
1. Have you had or seen your family members torturing anyone? If not, what makes you think that they will torture you?
2. What is your age and which country do you live in? Do you study/work? Are you able to work?
3. Your family cannot force you to marry anyone, unless: They can physically force you to carry out the rituals, in which case the marriage will be invalid anyway. They may not physically force you but you may give into their emotional pressure.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor
i also want to ask is it ok and allowed in Islam that i should search for a nice muslim partner on the internet and talk to him a bit to know him that is he suitable for marriage or no.or should i leave it all to Allah he will send in the person who is perfect for me himself.i'm just a bit scared that if my family again will have a chance they may not allow me to talk to the person which i would be marrying so will it be safe i mean i can't be contented marrying a man whom i havn't even talked once..please help because as i have left my self to Allah(s.w.t)and i don't want to have anymore sins.
Hi,
I understand your frustrations but I think you should get divorced first before you consider talking to someone on the internet in order to discuss marriage.
Salaams
Sister, you've waited for 10 years and nothing has changed. I would assume that nothing would change for the next 10 years. You need to get out of this marriage before time passes by and you get too old. This guy had enough time to sort himself out or maybe he is just too lazy.
All the best
Rumaysa
Salaam everyone,
Muslim, you seem to be a very strong young woman and all your hardships, efforts and endeavours are highly appreciated. However, it looks as if you are the only one struggling to maintain this marriage, as if it is only you who cares.
As advised by the sisters above, you should try to talk to your elders about it otherwise you will waste your life like this. If they have educated you, agreed to let you go abroad for your studies all alone, in my humble opinion, they do not seem sooooooo tradtional as you are thinking. Maybe it is in your mind that your family will nt understand you or it will be difficult to talk to them. But, it is not impossible yeah? whats the harm in trying? what worse can happen than what you are undergoing now? atleast you will have tried.
I would advise you to go talk to them after you have completed your namaz and made dua to Allah (SWT) to make you successful and make them understanding to what you will be saying to them. It is my personal opinion, you are scared to talk to them because of the state of mind and situation you are in. However, what you are thinking about your family (that is, difficult to talk to them) may be wrong...Allah is always there to help you, always there overlooking His servants...so please give it a try.
Also, personally, I would leave this man and ask for a divorce. In some way he has wasted half of your life dear sister! I understand he might not be financially well off, but he has taken you as wife infront of Allah, so you defintely has some rights over him and vice-versa. He has a duty to care for you, to protect you and not leave you in that kind of situation as you are now! 10 years is MORE MORE MORE than enough to allow some1 to settle in life. In my opinion, without any harm meant, he seems to be just lazy and doesnt bother about caring for you and about your rights as a wife and his duties as a husband. if he really wants, he would have done efforts to mend things and by Allah's grace and will, you would have been happy by now. But he has chosen the easy way out and the easiest excuse - cannot support you. im sure there is not such extreme poverty that a man cant keep his wife with him since 10 years! you are educated, you both could have worked together to sort things out. But way he refuses all the times seems strange...
Dear sister, Allah will never burden His servants more than he can bear. We need to make efforts ourselves first! if we make one step ahead, Allah will make two steps to help us!
You should realise that you have lost half of your life waiting for a guy who is just not bothered about you, and who most probably will not. You are already a very strong yound lady, please take a decision soon before you lose any more beautiful time of your life. InshAllah you will find some1 better, a good muslim man to marry you and care for you. Continue with your prayers, duas and constant reading of the Quran - that will help you and ease your heart. Do not think what people will say, what will they think etc...because, these people are not helping you NOW, they dont understand you, they dont support you in any way,..so why care about these kind of peopl who most of the time are happy at others misfortune. Do not fear any1 except Allah, He knows your heart, your intentions, your feelings and all.
I will certainly make duas for Allah to help you take a good decision and ease your situation dear sister.
Wish you lots of courage and patience
Naju
slm i knw how u feel u feel empty and lonely mentally so u wish u cud find mr perfect who is loving and caring u wish u cud find this as soon as possible coz you cant stand your situation,but listen its haraam to have a unnesary conversation with non mahrams weather online or not,look at it like this u chat online its like your in pardah the other guy sit outside and you in the house and you talk its the same it is zina haraam and one does not find goodness in haraam only more trials if not now later after many years or a few,so plssssssssss stay away from haraam? do u feel Allah wont answer your duaas if u ask him to get a husband for u? i was so depressed i made dua to Allah i asked him o Allah pls find me a husband in this week or month for i fear loosing my deen and i dont want that and guess wat i got a proposal in that week and got married a week after that to an amazing deeny guy wlho wakes me up every morning to perform fajr salaah with him, have hope trust Allah,and duaas is your key to happiness not haraam let Allah plan your life he is the best planner
Salaams Sister
Firstly can I be honest there is no mr or miss perfect out there don’t get into expression that you will find what you are looking for. Everyone struggle’s through life no one said it was going to be lovely and easy lively happily ever after. I want you to realise if you communicate with another guy while your still married then technically this is haraam and not good for you. I would advise if you want to re-marry then you must end this marriage first. Why don’t you talk to your parents you must tell them how you feel, because if you can’t turn to your parents then how you going to have the trust. Also I know and understand the difficult situation you are in but you must hold it together and I would not advise internet searching until you tell your parents the truth how and what you want and at least you have parents who still supporting you, you might think they are irritating but they only care and want the best for you, but you need to be strong and face telling the truth they deserve to know. Leading the guy and his family is not going to do you any favours in the long run either if you feel you wasted 10 years and this guy is not supporting you then you must do what’s best for you. I personally think this guy is lazy and therefore not fair on you, you must tell him to support you and get a job or you both move on as it is going no where if he’s giving you false promises.
Wising you all the best
i don't know what to do..i even don't know to leave him or not but as i said it's very difficult because as he is not being able to marry me and keep me so i am getting more and more trouble..and my life is going...what should i do?
Please, do Istikhara. Go to the top of the page and see Istikhara Q&A.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
thanks everybody for replying.i don't know.i cry a lot.i perform my 5 times prayers and also do Tilawat everyday.i also try to do Tasbih and Duas but i have never did an Istikhara.i am very afraid of it.i don't know i feel i don't want to marry my fiancee who has left me for all those ten years all alone.and neither is doing anything now to make me live with him and protect me from this world like a husband after all this has happened as he knows all this happened because of him because he couldn't support me.he just says i love you and does nothing.i don't need just mere saying i love you and leaving me all alone in this world to face every hardships from facing my family's tantrums to the people out here and struggling for everything even living alone and away from every bad man's eyes.frankly speaking when i go out to study or wherever and somebody looks at me a man i hate it i feel if i was married and had him by my side nobody would have even looked back.i am very depressed.everybody says whatever they wish to me and even don't care of hurting me.and my fiancee has done nothing for me and is doing nothing now too.i am just struggling to finish my studies and find a job and support myself as till when will my dad do for me.and he never thinks of doing everything for me.only i am the one thinking 24 hours to manage everything but till when?i am a girl i have struggled my whole life but till when.i lost so much of my life in depression and also in handling many people out here in this world with no much nice experiences.what should i do?i feel sometimes i should die so that my family's burden buries.and my fiancee gets a relief.nobody understands me.i am trying very hard to make everything alright.i even think if i would have been settled and was having a job i would have married him and even would have supported him so that i get out of this state of tantrums of the family who always says he can do nothing for you but you should take up a job and pay for everything although i hate it why should i do everything then what is my husband and marriage for. i don't know what to do.to releive my stress i was on antidepressants then i turned to Allah and started doing all my Duas and everything and joined a gym too.although through the Duas i have felt a change in my mood but when at the night or alone i start thinking then again i want to die.my papers this time in my exam went also very baad coz i used to study but i couldn't concentrate,now i am having the tension that if i fail or something happens my family will make my life more hell by saying you are this and that without worrying for my state what i am going through.please somebody help me.i want to die.
As salamu alaykum, muslim,
I do care about what you are going through, I do care for you, the only way I have to show it is being here and sharing what I learnt through life, Alhamdulillah.
One thing before begining, a husband at your side won´t stop the bad in the world, you don´t need a man at your side to stop other´s look at you, what you need is to learn how to shine in a way that your shine will stop them to look at you in a sinful way, that shine comes with total surrendering to Allah(swt), comes from within, you know what that implies already. He is the One that protects you from others but you have to acknowlegde Him, if not even when He does it you don´t see it, Alhamdulillah.
Your top priority now is to finish your studies, focus on that and the next step will be to take decisions about your husband (as Rumaysa said, if you have done Nikah, you are married, aren´t you?), what I would tell you is that not even for a minute you should think about working for him and having him at your side just for the fact of having a husband, he hasn´t been there for you all this time, he won´t be for you ever, then after your studies, look for a job to settle and you will give everything its right value, insha´Allah.
Please, forget about all the marriage question until you finish your studies and if your family mention it, just tell them that you are focused in passing your exams, that you will solve that situation once you have your degree in your hand. To worry about it won´t help you to solve it , it will block your energy to a point where you won´t be able to move, and you don´t want that. Go to the Gymn, do your prayers, eat well and study. Doing this you will gain confidence and if someone tries to bite you, say a dua and don´t feel hurt, learn to love them the way they are, be an example to follow for them, insha´Allah.
At night when all this thoughts comes to your mind, remember that Allah(swt) is Al-Malik(The King, The Ruler. The One who is king of all beings. The One who is the owner and ruler of this world.
The One who has supreme authority, and who is relied upon by everyone.
The One who has all ruling power over all beings, and is ruled by none).
When you feel your strength weakens, take one Name of Allah(swt) and learn it, experience it, or try to memorize a dua with all your Heart.
You may know them, but I look for this duas for you, I hope they help you, insha´Allah.
I......."Allaahumma rahmataka 'arjoo falaa takilnee 'ilaa nafsee tarfata 'aynin, wa 'aslih lee sha'nee kullahu, laa'ilaaha 'illaa 'Anta".
O Allah, I hope for Your mercy. Do not leave me to myself even for the blinking of an eye. Correct all of my affairs for me. There is none worthy of worship but You.
Abu Dawud 4/324, Ahmad 5/42. Al-Albani graded it as good in Sahih Abu Dawud 3/959.
......."Hasbunallaahu wa ni'amal-wakeel".
Allah is sufficient for us and the best of those on whom to depend.
Al-Bukhari, 5/172.
......."Allaahumma laa sahla 'illaa maal ja'altahu sahlan wa 'Anta taj'alul-hazna 'ithaa shi'ta sahlan."
O Allah, there is no ease other than what You make easy. If You please You ease sorrow.
Ibn Hibban in his Sahih (no. 2427)
......"Allaahumma 'Anta 'adhudee, wa 'Anta naseeree, bika 'ajoolu, wa bika 'asoolu, wa bika 'uqaatilu."
O Allah, You are my strength and You are my support. For Your sake I go forth and for Your sake I advance and for Your sake I fight.
Abu Dawud 3/42, At-Tirmidhi 5/572.
......"Laa 'ilaaha 'illallaahul-'Adheemul-Haleem, laa 'ilaaha 'illallaahu Rabbul-'Arshil-'Adheem, laa 'ilaaha 'illallaahu Rabbus-samaawaati wa Rabbul-'ardhi wa Rabbul-'Arshil-Kareem."
There is none worthy of worship but Allah the Mighty, the Forbearing. There is none worthy of worship but Allah, Lord of the Magnificent Throne. There is none worthy of worship but Allah, Lord of the heavens and Lord of the earth, and Lord of the Noble Throne.
Al-Bukhari 8/154, Muslim 4/2092
I am here if you need me, focus in yourself and your studies, go step by step, you have been carrying too much for too long, it is time now to put everything in the right place, insha´Allah.
May Allah(swt) fill your Heart with Hope, Light and Love.Ameen. Allowed yourself to shine and be the woman you are called to be, insha´Allah.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamualaikum..
i am very sorry for writing in again and again.i told you that twice i just searched for a partner on the net and i failed everybody says they have family issues and that i am very good and anyone would marry me and they can't.am i this bad.anyways now i am not going to search anything.i am just praying to God for His help.i am depressed but what should i do.did my sister once showed me the right path she said do your best study and pray hard and leave the rest to God.from then i started being more close to God.please help me understand.and also i always now think about one comment which i got was that i should leave everything to God and that by even talking to a non mahram man for marriage too is just going through more and more trials.is it true.please help me on this.
oh i get depressed deep down inside me at times very much.
and even can you just tell me something that is God showing me the signs that just to trust him and think nothing else.not even think about marriage or some insecurity.please because i failed even in my fiancee relationship the other and even by searching twice.should it break me or make me strong.can you please advice.that is this Allah helping me?please tell me . i want to know.
Sister,
I am wondering if you are actually reading anything I am writing to you or not. Either you are not reading my words, or you are just dismissing them.
You have told us that you are in a nikah with another man. If this is true, it is completely wrong for you to be looking for another relationship. Stop what you are doing and think!
- If you want more to stress in your life - continue looking for another man.
- If you want to sort things out, you need to determine what your current marital status is first and then take things from them. For that you must speak to a qualified Imaam. Either that, or you speak openly with your husband.
You can continue craving another relationship, or step up and sort out your current situation. Or you can play it clever, put your head down, finish your degree and then break free. Its your choice.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor
Assalamualaikum,
ok i am Inshallah going to act on your words.i was a fool to think that if somebody is there i mean a husband on my side then only i can overcome all the obstacles.i was wrong.i don't know any imam and am scared too.but one thing i am going to do is to act upon your words to play it clever as you said.i will study and just surrender to God.and rely upon him for the best as He is the only one who can help me.i am extremely sorry for i did search for somebody.i won't do it from now Inshallah.i want to trust that if something good is going to happen it will happen anyway.i will just sincerely pray and fulfill my duties.
thank you for your advice.
Walaykum as salam, my beloved muslim,
Those thoughts are distractions that are only going to consume your energy, you need to be fully in your studies, and when this thoughts about marriage, come to you, you must tell yourself, yes I will marry at the right time, now it is time to study. and say it anytime you have this on your mind.
"Audhu billahi minash shaytani Rajeem" is a good dua to tell anytime you get confused thinking about this, because those thoughts worries and depresses you, you don´t need that kind of energy in your life, keep focus in what is important, you are strong enough to see this thoughts coming and put them on a side, using the right thoughts and duas, insha´Allah.
This thoughts won´t dissapear from today to tomorrow, but they will be weaker everytime and when you least expect won´t be there anymore, insha´Allah.
Remember too that as Sister Z said you will have to clarified your situation if you are married or not, before thinking about marrying again. Then the most healthy approach to all this thoughts I think is what told you before.
Keep focused. It is normal that all of this come to you, you need to understand and put everything in its place before moving on, it is part of the process. Don´t feel worry about asking.
You are stronger now than before, all the struggles you are going through, are preparing you to be the woman you will be, these are all feelings that you have inside of yourself, your relationship with Allah(swt) is so intimate that I am noone to tell you anything about it, but what I can tell you is that, at the moment you feel it, you won´t need anything from anyone more than a normal, healthy woman would need, insha´Allah.
It is normal your doubts too, you are building up your faith and you need strong roots to hold on anytime you struggle, once your mind is on a side, you will feel it in your Heart and it doesn´t matter how much I will talk about it, the day you feel it inside you won´t need one word more about it, you have the feeling of this, but don´t rush, take your time to build up your faith from now to forever, this way, nobody would be able to move you from your roots, insha´Allah.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Ya Inshaallah. i want to trust Allah only . i will try to focus myself and take care that nothing goes wrong. i want to ask you one thing and that is when i wake up in the morning i feel very depressed don't know why although it is not the same situation then during the day or night but as soon as my eyes open in bed i feel like crying and dying and all those bad experiences and words come to my mind and haunt me and i feel this world is worth nothing.and even i think that everybody just uses others and everyone is so cunning selfish and whatsoever.because mostly i interacted with such people.can you please tell me how can i control this .any dua aur any prayer or any good words will be highly appreciated.
thank you once again
all my respect and love...
As salamu alaykum, my sweet muslim,
I am going to copy what I told you before, please be patience and do your salat on time if you can, and this duas and prayers:
the Prophet (saw) did before going to bed:
He would blow upon himself before going to sleep, after reciting Surah Ikhlas, Surah Naas and Surah Falaq"
..... in the morning and evening three times or more, this is very personal, because I talk from my own experience, of course, doing salat is the main protector, this is the dua:
"Bismillahi alladhi la yadurru ma`a ismihi shay’un fi al-ardi wa la fi as-sama’i wa huwa as-sami`u al-`alim"
(In the name of Allah; with His name, nothing whatsoever on earth or heaven can inflict any harm; He is All-Hearing and All-Knowing).
As soon as you open your eyes, Al-Fatiha: "Audhu billahi minash shaytani Rajeem............",Be patience you are more conscious of your Light everyday, Alhamdulillah.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
thank you so much for being there.Allah Bless you for all your help.i will InshaAllah try to memorize all these Duas.and let you know as they help me.God Bless
Barak Allah Feekum.
Nice to know about you.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
i am devastated.i am very sorry but i don't want to live.whenever i feel lonely i read your Duas but then i get this same feeling of failing from life.i don't know what to do.i can't live alone today also and even i can't live with my fiancee ok i understand that in shariah he is my husband but i don't consider him one as i am not living with him nor have i married him infront of everybody nor have i settled down with him.only our parents exchanged the i do i do not even us as per the tradition.i was a kid and why did they do this to me only to make my life worse thinking the whole day and night the same thing.that why is not he there for me if he is my husband.the people around me who are engaged or married are happy and anybody would marry me but he has keepen me just on his name and doing nothing for me.i feel alone.my family wants me to marry as soon as possible and i don't want to marry this guy.why should i marry him.i always feel i got into so many troubles because of him.today too he can't support me enough to marry me and here i am struggling listening to every other person's remarks of living alone spending my dad's money as i can't afford myself even of my brothers.i really don't want to live alone as being a human being living alone is not possible nor do i talk to anybody now because i always think i will make dua and Allah will help me.but i don't know till when will i suffer i have never done anything wrong to anybody and still i am here in tests again and again.i feel nobody wants me.i am even scared of everything that if my family forces me to live with him marry him because they say it's a matter of respect and they think i won't find a guy.i don't know.what to do.i don't trust any man too now because i did everything for him and he is doing nothing not even now.just he says he loves me so i ask is this love to leave your love in this difficult time and make her struggle.i am studying after two years it will complete then my internship and then 2 more years then only i can get a job in the place where i live. and i don't think my family will allow me to live without marriage as soon as i complete this medicine so i won't get the time to start a job and think over all this problem.
and i hate this guy as i always think he never helped me in my troubles so when these are over then i don't need him.but i sometimes think was there a reason for this happening to me in childhood at age of only 13 years.why me i am only depressed of it all.for the whole of these years as i have always heard bad stuff about it all.i am so scared that i even don't talk to other guys thinking that God will again become angry on me.but i want to marry not only because of the lonlliness but mainly because i also feel scared and insecure that if somebody forces me and they won't find somebody else for me my family they will only insult me nothing else.what should i do?i just cry and cry and cry.
As salamu alaykum, my sweet muslim,
I am here for you, give me a minute to think about it.
María
IslamicAnswers. com Editor
You need solutions, let´s go for it. I am not going to suppose anything then I would ask you a few questions to make the situation clearer, if you don´t want don´t have to answer them, just to think about it.
If you were thirteen, how old was he when you married, was your age?
Have you thought about any solution not to be so alone? Anyone that fits you.
Have you thought that once you marry, it would be extremely difficult for you to study, and that maybe it is a blessing all this situation, because someway, if you would be married already and with children you weren´t where you are now, but maybe the problem is that you don´t want to be where you are, then do you want to study or being fully married?
Are you able to forgive him and your family for all the suffering you are going through?
What I think about your relationship with your family and fiancée is that you are hurt and the way to show your anger and your suffering is rebealing against all the situation, but at this point, all this anger has turn into depression and it is stopping you from moving, this is not healthy. Then let´s go a bit further, insha´Allah.
What do you want exactly right now? Before answering this question do ablution consciously and ask Allah(swt) to guide you, insha´Allah.
Are they going to wait until you finish your career to marry?
Can you wait until you finish your career to marry?
Now, If you want, write down exactly what you want to solve, begining for the highest priority to be solved. I want you to numerate them. This way we´ll see where you are. I need you to do this to be able to see what is really going on inside of all this turmoil, insha´Allah.
Can you do this for me, please.
You are not alone, you can do it, insha´Allah.
May Allah(swt) bring Hope, Light and Love to your Heart. Ameen.
While you want me at your side, I am, insha´Allah.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
....
I´ve just found this for you from the Holy Quran:
28:24 Fasaqa lahuma thumma tawalla ila alththilli faqala rabbi innee lima anzalta ilayya min khayrin faqeerun
28:24 So he watered (their flocks) for them; then he turned back to the shade, and said:"O my Lord! truly am I in (desperate) need of any good that Thou dost send me!"
It can be said as a dua for Mercy and to solve obstacles, insha´Allah. Please trust Allah(swt), a glimpse of Light will show in your Heart, insha´Allah. Obstacles will make of you the woman you are called to be, life is a blessing even in so tough moments.
You are important to me.
Barak Allah feekum.
María
As salam u alaikum... thank you so much. i cried with joy knowing that somebody really cares and shows me the right path and guides me as i find nobody to share and i don't trust anybody.i will write some of the answers to you right now as you may guide me more.
i was 13 and he 18.
i have always thought of the solution after i went through all this suffering i mean after living alone and falling into somebody wrong's hand that yes i need a partner but i no more trust anybody.i always think that although he did nothing for me i did everything for him i removed every hurdle from his path did everything but what did i get.he says he cares but no he doesn't.if he would have cared he would have never left me all alone in all this.he says i don't want to be with him ya that's true but did he ever tried to do anything to ease my life no he never did after even knowing all the situation.after all this depression i want to be alone i am happy studying when i'm very tired and lonely i cry and pray but i always think i want to be something want to be independant before even thinking of marrying and be with some one.but i am scared as i don't know what will my family do immediately as soon as my this career completes and as i know i won't be able to get a job at that time it will take more years so because of all that scare i want somebody in my life but definitely not my fiancee.he just used my name for 10 long years and did nothing a husband or fiancee should do.he never stood up for me.he always depended on me.and i struggled and still am doing so so i don't want him.i hate him.
yes,i have always thought about it and took it in a positive way that God has blessed me by making me able to study as he made my marriage a big hurdle so He helped me by by making me who i am and going to be.and i really want to study for more 5 years but as i said i am not sure wether my family will support me to become that strong woman or will they chop my feet by marrying me forcefully before i am strong enough to support my decision as for them it's a matter of pride not somebody's life.
i will not forgive them.ya maybe if they support my decisions then maybe i will.but i can't bring back time and all my sufferings specially through my fiancee as i was never wrong never the culprit i was innocent and i am.i will never forgive them.i don't want to.
the question about doin ablution and answering is i will anwer a bit later.
i don't think so that they are going to wait until my career.
yes i can wait till my career.
i hope it helped you a bit.only one question is left i will answer it soon..
thank you so much. may Allah give you this Ajar in Akhirah and a also in this world.
Walaykum as salam, my beloved muslim,
I´ve been thinking this afternoon that the best for now is to give you the time and space you need to answer that last question,... if I tell you anything now, I would interfere in your choices and I want to give you space to listen to your inner self, you don´t need to share them if you don´t want, I just need to know you have done it, and then we will work, step by step, in all your worries and fears, insha´Allah.
The last prayers that I wrote to you are very powerful for me, you will see a change from the first moment, insha´Allah.
Thank you very much for trusting me, I pray Allah(swt) to be worth of your Trust, insha´Allah.
I have you in my prayers. Don´t feel pressure to answer, you will know the right moment.
Yes, you are important to me, Alhamdulillah.
May Allah(swt) gives Peace, Comfort and Forgiveness to your Heart. Ameen.
Barak Allah Feekum.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Wa alaykum as salam, my sweet muslim,
Thank you very much for opening your Heart and for listening, yes I do care, and I will do my best to give you all the tools I can, to help you, insha´Allah. Now, I would like to share with you something that the Prophet (saw) did before going to bed:
He would blow upon himself before going to sleep, after reciting Surah Ikhlas, Surah Naas and Surah Falaq"
Anytime I feel scared of people to build up my confidence I pray, in the morning and evening three times or more, this is very personal, because I talk from my own experience, of course, doing salat is the main protector, this is the dua:
"Bismillahi alladhi la yadurru ma`a ismihi shay’un fi al-ardi wa la fi as-sama’i wa huwa as-sami`u al-`alim"
(In the name of Allah; with His name, nothing whatsoever on earth or heaven can inflict any harm; He is All-Hearing and All-Knowing).
Yes, all that you have shared helps me to understand and see what´s going on. I need to think about it, I will be back to you tonight, insha´Allah.
Barak Allah feekum
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalam u alaikum..
i don't know what to write today as i am ashamed and i even don't want to go to my past as it will only be like salt on all my wounds which unintensionally and not being aware of it's outcomes and i don't know the situation or what so ever happened to me.i am very afraid of telling all this truth as i never told it to anybody.but as being anonymous you would never know who i am and eventually would just help me out as a good Muslim sister.i am very bad at writing i am extremely sorry for that.today even writing all this stuff is devastating me that how can i face anybody who knows all this truth and even maybe nobody would even look at me they will hate me and i am very afraid of hatred.and today and these whole days i have repented.i always ask God to forgive me and that this would never ever happen again.i was mislead i don't know by my conditions or what.i am so sorry for all this what happened.as i said i was engaged at the age of 13.i didn't hate this guy.infact i loved him and did everything for him everything.then when i was maybe 18 years old we had sex.oh i hate that moment when i remember it even today.but i was young and i don't know how it happened.well we never lived together as in the eyes of my family we are not married today too.that just happened because we lived in different countries and and i visited in vacations and met him once.but nobody knows that i met him.it all happened because he wanted to marry me and at that time i was very young to understand all this as i have never been in the outside world or away from my family so i said ok you want to marry me for sex so as my parents are not allowing because you can't afford me and take care of me so it happened.ok it happened sometimes like i don't know but just maybe like some countable times only.but we didn't meet or had sex from a year or more.because now i hate him i don't even talk to him.ok that is one situation which i faced.now the actual problem started when i moved to the country for my studies in which he lives.beleive me before that i was a girl who didn't even talk to guys even i wouldn't answer them because of Islam except my fiancee.when i moved to this country i asked him to marry me as living alone was very harsh and difficult and insecure in this country.he agreed and when i called my parents to come and marry me to him they came.although in our families girls don't speak about their marriage but i did so.as i didn't want to live alone and i loved him too.when my family came in he and even his family turned their back.they asked my dad that they will never support me.they even asked that my dad should support me and even him and all our expenses.and eventually my marriage plan brokeup.now i had nobody on my side.i felt ashamed of everybody because is stood up for my fiancee and he ran away saying he could do nothing because he had no job.now what happened was that the devil started.i started to talk to each and everybody i met be it a girl a guy a man just to make myself happy.just to forget what happened to me just to heal myself as i was by then about 19 years old.and as i was out of my home all alone in this country for the first time i once met a guy who was from this same place but had a job back in the country in which my family was living.he started helping me out of every situation.even if at nights i used to had my flights or something important he would use to flew and come to me to help me from another country.i started having all my comfort in him.and i don't know he used me or what but i even was talking so seriously for the first time with somebody as i have mentioned i had lived my whole life alone in my home with my family before all this happened.i would never understand what this guy would ask me to do.i just would do what ever he used to ask me as it helped me a lot.even if i used to had a tension back home he would say do this and that and i would do it and suddenly everything used to become alright.so eventually he asked me to fall for him.and i started falling for him.as he cared a lot and had the resources to meet my needs so he would help me financially emotionally and everything.he was engaged too he sometimes used to say he wanted to marry me.one day i surrendered.we had sex.ohhhh what terrible bad thing did i do.then we had it a bit of times and then he said he is going to marry his fiancee because he loves his parents and his parents want him to marry her.so naturally i was left all alone.i cried and i wanted to kill myself for what i did.i loved him very much and i was not willing to live without him.today too i miss him.but always i want to live without him as my life is ruining.my exams went very bad because of all the stress.let me mention one thing my fiancee came to know that i was talking to somebody only.and what he started was that he used to call up my dad and all my family and everybody saying around different stories.so i had i a fight even in my family.only my dad didn't beleive him everybody else did.so now every member of my family and outside look at me like i am dirty.yes i was dirty.but it ws just the one guy.i didn't do anything wrong except that.and i am not doing anything wrong now after him.i was not dirty.who made me like this.ok i accept i did wrong i did a sin i am sorry i want to kill myself if by doing so i am forgived but nobody wants to hear or understand what i have been going through.can somebody think even of it that what made me mislead.i dearly loved my fiancee i never looked at any guy but what after whole at that time 7 years of waiting when i begged everybody to make me marry to him he turned his back only because he had no money to support me or to take care of me.i was the one who always used to spent my dad's money on him.even my dad gave his college fees too.and eventually i used to fight for money at home so that i can spend it on my fiancee and suddenly he didn't marry me and i was all alone i had no place to live.nobody helped me.only my family used to drop me at the airport and give me money and the rest i had to do.a girl for the first time out of her home in a very bad environment in an unsafe area having even no idea of how to talk to somebody had no place to live nothing what should have i done.somebody met me and suddenly changed my world helped me out made me how to live how to talk how to do everything helped me at nights in days every second cared.so i was a human i falled for him.i accept i did a sin which i should never have done i am sorry but it happened all because of my fiancee.if he would have married me or my family would have lived with me never left me alone nothing like this would have happened ever.today i miss that guy because i loved him he has his own home a wife he did what his parents asked him and me i am no where.no where all alone crying and dying and today too aware of all my problems my fiancee can't support me so can't marry me.ok after that guy went i went through major depression.i lost it completely .but now i always think no he was bad he used me and all this stuff just to divert my attention from him.so i have started duing tauba and duas and prayers,so i have really got some a bit relaxation.but now the problem is i hate guys i don't trust them.i never want to marry my fiancee.he didn't help me when i needed him.today also i need him but he is not helping.one day when i will start a job and can support myself he and his family will come back saying that we love your daughter and we want her to get married to our son.but how can i forget all this that because of him i felt into wrong hands.i commited sin.i am suffering.i am all alone.it has hurt me very much and is still hurting.the moment i think of my sin i feel like i am suffocating.now i always think i really want to marry somebody who can support me financially and emotionally too and protect me from the bad people out there.but ya i have gained some confidence and think sometimes that no i need to be independant.i need to be strong.if i stay away from teh evil nobody can harm me.and i have learned lessons from the past that people help you to use you.but i was innocent at that time.i didn't know that people have more than one faces.i always think i did everything for my fiancee and he till date can't do anything for me.so God is the only power to help me.but what kills me is me being scared that what if my family forces me to marry him before my career so i have no other option then.that's why i once checked on the net for somebody to marry.but i don't know i just want to me with God and do my career.but my family..they make me feel scared.sometimes when i see my family looking at me like a burden and throwing tantrums and not wanting me i feel ok i will marry this my fiancee because he is even cursing me that i talked to somebody else and that i will get everything but will never be happy if i don't marry him.so sometimes because of feeling like a burden and because of guilty i say ok i will marry him although i will never be happy but i will just pray for my akhirah and live in this world waiting for death.i am crying what should i do.because i can't live.i am very confused i even want to make my parents happy but i have no money to marry their choice and support myself nor do i have a job.and i hate this world which is so mean.both the guys used me.and i did everything for them with a clean heart and what did i get nothing only pain and sin.what should i do.i hope you understand my situation as i am very scared that maybe somebody will hate me.and that everybody will say i am a bad girl.deep down i know i never wanted to harm anybody nor do i have something bad in me regarding anyone.but...
Walaykum as salam, my sweet beloved muslim,
I can tell you from Heart to Heart, I am not one to judge anyone, and if you were right now at my side, I would hold you as tight, loving and caring that you would have to tell me to stop, because the only feeling I have in my Heart towards you is Unconditional Respect and Love, I thank you from all my Heart that you opened your Heart the way you have done, I acknowledge all the struggles you have been through and I see your wounds, you have done tawbah for your sins and you have repented sincerely, then all that is closed and only Allah(swt) has the key, Alhamdulillah.
Now, it is time to begin with the process of healing all the wounds that these experiences left on you, this way you will recover all that you lost in the way plus the wisdom you have gained through your own experience, insha´Allah.
I will be back to you tonight, insha´Allah.
Barak Allah Feekum
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
As salam u alaykum,
thank you so much for all your support.i feel like somebody is there for me who cares who is there to answer me whom i can tell every thing and who loves me.
i am very happy by telling you i feel my burden is a bit less now.i am just mentally disturbed because even my brothers and my mom wants me to marry because they make me feel a burden as they want to live alone without me.well i am embaraced that everyday i have some problem to tell you.i want to hold you tight really because i feel sad .i can't tell anything to anyone except you. thanks for being there and helping me giving me advice and guiding me the right path.
unconditional love and respect,
Barak Allah...
Walaykum as salam, my beloved muslim,
Alhamdulillah, thanks to you. Yes, I do love and care for you, but always remember that I am a human being full of imperfections, don´t believe blindly all what I say, this way you will learn to trust in a healthy way, you need to learn to build limits too, this way you will feel stronger to maintain the right boundaries when someone get close to you, yes? I can be wrong and you can tell me I don´t agree, I think this and this, do you like this approach?
It is very good that everything is coming out at the right speed, don´t worry now and please don´t feel embarrased, I am here because I want to be for you, it is my choice, my decision, I am consequent with it, Alhamdulillah.
You are praying to find solutions, and you will find them insha´Allah.
I have seen that from your family, but I´ve seen too that your father cares specially for you and your well being, is it true?
I will be back later, insha´Allah.
Barak Allah feekum.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
the answer to your question,
i at present don't want to be with anyone because it gives me stress.i just want to build my career enjoy be healthy become a good muslim and become independent.after all this happens i will marry.right now i am very depressed already because of my both relationships.i am scared.i just want to live quite alone and as my dad is supporting my finances so everything is ok the way it is now.but i'm not sure of the nextday what will happen or how things will change because of my family.or whatsoever.i am so scared and hurt deep down that even after becoming independent i would prefer living alone.but ya i do think why should i ruin my life for somebody else's mistakes.i am not feeling that happiness in my life nor do i think that somebody love would bring it back because i have started not to trust anybody nor do develop any sort of liking for anybody.but i wish my family supports my decision and i just study and find a job and live securely.but Allhamdullilah one thing good has happened that i ask God for happiness and peace to my heart together with Deen.as if Allah gives my peace nobody on this earth can take it away from me.
lots of love and respect...
I will talk to you tonight, insha´Allah.
Thank you very much for sharing the way you do, God bless your soft Heart.
All my Unconditional Love and Respect,
María
As salamu alaykum my sweet muslim,
"....as if Allah gives my Peace nobody on this earth can take it away from me." This beautiful and powerful words that you have said, shows me the depth of your Wisdom and how close you are of moving forward, Alhamdulillah, thank you very much for sharing such a deep and powerful thought, you have reminded me of a very powerful statement. Jazak Allahu Khayran.
And "... happiness in my life nor do i think that somebody love would bring it back" Alhamdulillah, for sure, nobody can give you what you don´t have in you, you have to find it in yourself to be able to share it, you are learning now to love and respect yourself, and that you are the one responsible for your own happyness, and you are moving consequentely with your thoughts, it is a blessing to be so close to you, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah.
Nobody in this world knows what would happen to us in the next second, only Allah(swt) knows, I live breathing by breathing, I trust Allah(swt) and I thank Him all the time, for breathing, for obstacles, for blessings, for all, Alhamdulillah, I have no power at all, I am nothing but at the same time I know I am everything, because Allah(swt) cares about all of us, what else should I ask for? I put myself in His Hands(swt) and the only thing I can do is to praise Him for so much blessing, Alhamdulillah. He softens the Hearts, He shows us the way, He comfort us, He keeps us alive, He is everything, Alhamdulillah.
I´ve been listening to you carefully and Alhamdulillah, you know exactly what you want. I am glad that Sister Z had listened to your call, she can help you to get some of your goals, I will do my best to help you to be ready for that, insha´Allah.
Thank you very much for trusting me, it is a honour to me but always have in mind what I said before, that you are the one that knows for sure what is the best for you in every moment, I will talk to you as simple and direct as I can. I am telling you this because I know you are praying consciously and you are seeing a glimpse of Light in your Heart, Alhamdulillah.
I am going to tell you something that I have the feeling you have already felt inside of yourself. About your career, be sure, that if Allah(swt) wants you to finish it, He will create the way for you to get it, and He will show you the way, then don´t make plans about it and don´t try to tell Allah(swt) which is the best way to get it, put your control of the situation on a side, and go in your knees to tell Him, that you accept that His decision about it will be the best one for you and that you will accept it, insha´Allah.
Your father has been there for you, not always in a silent way, he believes in you and he trusts you and even when you say how your mother and brothers are someway against you, I believe your brothers, at least one of them will be there for you like your father, insha´Allah.
You have begun this process of healing already, Alhamdulillah,in a very smooth way through your duas, your prayers and your tears, your attitude has changed deeply even with those fears, I feel Peace in your Heart, hold on to that Peace when you feel sad or lonely, I will be with you while you need me, insha´Allah, but you have to be conscious that the strongest bonds you are building up, rediscovering, recovering and reconnecting are your bonds to Allah(swt), Alhamdulillah. Someway you are begining to be a Light for others, Alhamdulillah.
I see your thoughts and your emotions are clearer, please don´t feel dissapointed if one day you feel not so good, it is a part of the process, everytime you give a step, the feet that was behind comes to the front and the one that was in the front stays in the back, this means that an evolution involves someway an involution, all of this is part of the process of moving forward, then this is normal, think that you are a step closer to where you want to arrive and the fears will melt with the security that you are moving towards your goal, insha´Allah.
There are powerful tools very close to us, but their use is not always in our hands, those tools are Forgiveness, unconditional Love and unconditional Respect, many times we are proved in our roots to see if we really act as our thoughts and words seems to show, when I listened to you that you weren´t going to forgive, I saw how hurt you were and I mainly saw how difficult was for yourself to forgive yourself, this is the point where we turn to Allah(swt) to help us to forgive ourselves and the others, there is a long way just to get where you are now, at this point you have to let them go whoever they are and whatever they have done, you are extremely close to this point if you haven´t arrived yet.
You know what I tell you this, your last post tells me where you are now. Your feet are grounded, you are firmly stepping on the floor, you know yourself very well and you know all your process, you are an extremely awake and conscious person, Alhamdulillah.
Forgiveness is one of the quickest healers of the Heart and one of the best blessing we can receive from Allah(swt), imagine you have a gift, the gift is Forgiveness, the paper that wrapped the gift and the ribbon are the unconditional Love and Respect, you have all of them around you, just need to see it inside of your Heart and you will, insha´Allah.
Your fears would melt when you submit to Allah(swt), when you realized that you have no power or control over others or over the situations, when you give up that kind of control, life flows, because our need of controlling put big heavy stones in our way, once we give up we feel a release, Alhamdulillah.
All this process will take you some time, but you are doing your best to go through it, Alhamdulillah.
Get ready and when you feel confident, move.
Forgive me for writing too much. I have more things to say but I think it is enough for today, I will continue tomorrow if you don´t mind. If you have any doubts, please feel free to ask.
I have you in my prayers. My Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com
Assalm u alaikum..
thank you so much for replying and being there.i assume that Allah(S.w.t) has given me this light and shown me path by bringing me closer to you.he made you the wasilah for me to guide me as i have no one else nor do i have the courage.i want to mention that for the forgiveness you told me i sometimes do think that i should forgive everybody who ever did what ever to me as if i forgive every one may be Allah will forgive me in akhirah. who knows.but when i am in a very bad situation i always think why should i forgive them they did consiously evrything.atleast now eveybody knows my situation then too nobody even thinks of cares about me.and why did they use me.i never thought of any harm to them and they did whatever they could.they enjoyed my best moments and left me for the worst.anyways i pray to Allah that give me this strength and peace that i forgive everyone that my condition changes someday and i am repayed back for all the struggle i have been through so that i forgive ever body.
ok by thinking that if Allah has best plans for my education nobody can stop it i am relieved.now ya i most of the times think that i had no control on what happened to me and am having no control.but i always think that if all my nightmares come true and the same situation arises which i am thinking my whole life i will remain thinking the same thing.that i did everything i struggled i did good to eveyone and what happened to me see.
i want to ask one thing.people say we get what we are destined to.but i am not being able to understand what does it mean.if i am destined to be with somebody although i hate him i will be with him right and if i am destined of living in poor conditions no matter how much i study or have a job i will face the same.then why do we struggle and do hard work as no matter even if i don't try i will get the goods and if i am destined no matter how much i try i will get the bad.right.i am not being able to understand.like was i destined of going through all this pain of doing the sin.i always now pray to God that God if something bad or some sin or something bad is written in my destiny please first change it change my destiny to be a good muslim and help me to remain always on the right path.and help me in gaining what i want but please whatever you give me give me peace and contentment in it.as i don't want to run any more for worldly gains.yes i need some because i don't want to always sit and look at others and remain in a bad situation as once it mislead me so i need some so i don't again fall a prey to something.but ya i have learnt enough lessons that i won't InshaALLAH fall again for something like that or something which looks attractive.i will pray to get it.
i feel very good by listening to you and even writing to you.you are more than welcome from my heart to write more to me and guide me.yes,i rely on God.but i feel good when i write to you.i feel that i don't need somebody to be with me so that i can share as once i felt into wrong hands just due to sharing.so i feel i don't have to be in something wrong to share.i can be sharing through the right way and and together being in Islam.can i feel free to write to you any time i wish to? maybe my healing will take more time and i want to constantly keep on writing to you so that it helps me and keeps me away from some bad company which i am trying not to be in.hope you understand.
thanks again.i too have you in my prayers.May Allah bless you with Imaan and happines forever.in this world and hereafter.
love and restpect..
Walaykum as salam, my beloved muslim,
We are called to excellence in this world, you are working towards it, step by step, you are grabbing in your destiny where you want to be directed and from where do you think this direction comes?
Everytime we make a choice, get up of bed instead of staying in bed, smiling (from Heart) instead of crying, praying instead of doing other thing, looking for solutions instead of focusing in problems, stay silent instead of answering to an attack(wait to the right moment to talk), taking care of our bodies instead of starving them, ....studying instead of complaining, everytime we move a muscle, we are taking a decision that is affecting our life and Allah(swt) is All-Knower, ... I´ve seen old poor people that had been all their life working, they didn´t have the opportunity to learn to read or write, but they had the Peace in the look of someone that had done what they were called to do, I see that even if we are poor and we have nothing material to hold on, we have our most important gift, Life and our attitude towards, Life, and we can begin from cero to build up what we want to, the question is not giving up, don´t letting others control our real Life, that is why you are praying, you are giving the control of your Life to the One that has it, Alhamdulillah.
Our attitude affects others. there is always someone looking at us, we maybe not conscious of it, but the way we act has an expansive wave that affects everybody around us, Alhamdulillah.
Thank you for listening, for your good wihes and your prayers.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
My sweet muslim,
Thank you very much for appreciating my presence so much, you touch my Heart deeply.
I just noticed you wanted to write to me, do you want us to email instead of writing here? if not, you can write to me anytime you want, please feel free to do it.
Don´t worry about the time it will take to heal, only Allah(swt) knows, can be faster than you even imagine, but our time it is not His time, Alhamdulillah.
I will email you if you want us to be in contact through email, you don´t need to put your email here.
I have you in my Heart, Alhamdulillah.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
My sweet muslim,
Your questions are very interesting, you make me think. Thank you very much for that.
Someone told me once, "do you know that we have a big bag of sins at our side? because we may think that we do everything straight and someway we are not so good then even when we are as good as we can, we have to ask for forgiveness and work as the worst of the sinners, because this way, we recognize our human condition and our imperfection and this help us to keep striving."
I didn´t say a word, but I began to think about it and after some days I realized that this idea made sense. Sometimes we hurt others without even notice it, because we move too fast or we think they understand our words and they don´t or they don´t know us enough to acknowledge our limits or we are grown up in different enviroments and what it is right for me it isn´t for you, and many other things came to my mind, then I thought not only I have to behave as straight as I can, I have to ask Him to help me to be eyes open not to hurt others or myself unconsciously, then I surrendered to Him in my consciousness and in my unconsciousness.
With all of this, we are working in this world to achieve Paradise, when we want to do something so strong as you want to study your degree, that passion comes from a direction that you receive from inside, from your inner self, Alhamdulillah, and obstacles will make of you the woman you will be, because you are going to move in a world where you will need to have your feet well grounded, and you will, insha´Allah, people would tell you, I think, you would say I know, you will talk from your own experience as a woman struggling to fulfill her dream despite all the obstacles and trusting Allah(swt), insha´Allah. You are stronger, day by day, it doesn´t matter how long it will take, or how many obstacles you will find, you are already on track, Alhamdulillah.
If you don´t mind, I would like to tell you a few things to balance your body, sugar, soft drinks and cold( food and enviromental) are friends of fear and doubt, if you can avoid for a couple of days sweets, soft drinks and keep yourself warm and eat and drink everything warm, see if you notice any improvement, in other side
chewing slowly your food and red meat with vegetables(once or twice a week) would be good for you, insha´Allah. If you want to ask me something please, feel free to do it.
Than you very much for listening and sharing with me, I deeply appreciate it.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
yes, please. i would love to get an email from you. so we can be in touch. atleast i am having some support to just tell my situation and get to know the right path and the good things so Inshaallah i don't stray away again from the right path as now i don't need anybody else to share my stuff with.i just tell them to you and i am growing even more and more strong by your good words and perspective of thinking.i feel a strength deep inside me.which i started feeling from number one when i started to pray and to surrender to Allah although i used to pray and was a good practising muslim but ya i got away from his path by my situation and now Allhamdullilah i always make sure to stay away from the wrong.and by talking to you i am feeling even more strong.thank you.
unconditional love support and prayers..
no i wouldn''t mind at all. i will try Inshallah to eat warm and stay warm and then tell you the results Inshallah.
thank you
Muslim Sister, Asalaamualaykum,
I can see you are struggling and have many confusing thoughts circling your mind. Things are not as bad as you are feeling them to be. What I mean is that you can make things work your way, if only you take a breather, calm down a little and put things into perspective. Stop letting the little voice in your head feed you with panic and anxiety. It is unnecessary and is making you depressed. Lets look at the facts:
1. You are in a nikah with a man whom you feel nothing for. He is not supporting you in anyway and he keeps putting the public marriage ceremony off claiming that he cannot financially support you.
2. Your family appear to want you to stay with this man, knowing that he cannot support you.
3. You are in the middle of your studies and require financial support.
4. You feel unable to communicate with your the elders in your family or with your husband
- Right - with regards to your husband's hesitancy to proceed with the wedding, has it not occurred to you, that perhaps this is a blessing in disguise for you? You have seen what he has been like with you over the last ten years or so and now you are being given the opportunity to choose whether you wish to stay with him or to leave him. I can see that as you have grown up being told that your future lies with him, you are understandably finding it difficult to break away from him - even though you do not actually like him or his treatment of you. He has become a habit for you and you have always sought comfort in the idea that one day he will support you. Were you living with this man who was not supporting you as a husband should, what emotional/physical freedom would you have then?
- Why your family have married you to this man at the age of 13 years, I have no idea. But it does not show them in a very positive light. Do you have any siblings or any family member whom you can talk to in confidence?
- Since you are still completing your studies, I would love for you to think: 'I am going to quit thinking about this man (my husband), and focus on my studies. InshaAllah, completing my studies will enable to find employment and I will be financially independent. Then, I can stand on my own two feet and not feel the need to rely on my non existent husband or my family for money. I will think about marriage when I am happier and stable in myself.'
- I asked you before aswell, but why can you not communicate with your father? This is not healthy and highlights a major issue and perhaps the root of your issues. I understand that your family and culture have probably brought you up in such a manner that you fear your elders, not respect them. This is sad, but common. I want you to do something about this matter. Is it possible for you to get one to one counselling for this matter alone? I think once you are more confident in communicating, this will help you to understand yourself and express your concerns, issues, fears, desires to your family.
***Sister, can you try to do these things? Can you focus on your studies with a view to becoming a little independent and taking up employment? When will you complete your studies? Can you share your concerns with some trusted family members? Can you remind yourself that in fact, not being with this man you are in nikah with is probably the biggest blessing in disguise for you right now. And is one to one counselling possible?
***
It is clear that you are suffering from depression Sis, all your thoughts, all your words, all your actions seem to be highly negative. You want instant comfort, but this comfort you keep drawing towards through relationships can be very destructive when you are in the state of mind that you are currently in. What scares you the most about talking to your father or about telling your husband how you feel? Before, you reply to me, I want you to lay down and think about everything you have written here and about everything that Maria or I have said to you. I don't want you to cry while you are replying. I want you to calm down, take a deep breath and think, then type.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor
Assalam u alaikum,
first of all thankyou very much for repling and comforting me.i feel blesses that you people are helping me in a healthy islamic way. now to start with as you said i am trying to control myself of not crying but i don't know when ever i read your replies or write my stuff i cry i don't why.i feel all my past coming back to my mind and the tears then flow they don't stop.
yes,i feel blessed that he is not marrying me.here i would also like to answer one of your other questions that have i seen torture or early marriage in my family.well,yes,right now one of my sisters younger to me is being married by force.it's a mental i mean emotional torture together with not even asking her will and not supporting her anymore.so where can she go.she is marrying at the age of now she is 17 and marrying.so it's a forcefull marriage which she can't stand for as nobody is ever going to help or support her.
yes,my family is not in light to make me marry at 13.no i have no family member to whom i can talk.all of them think i am mad.they say so what if he can't support you we are making you study so that you can support your self in he will be merely a man for you to marry.they think of it as a matter of pride.and i am dead inside thinking of this stuff.
yes,i love to think that way that oneday when i am much happier and independent and stable then only will i marry.but every other day some news or some sort of tantrums come from my family which kill me back again.
yes,i am fearfull.but the thing is i am so scared that if i started raising this issue i am scared that maybe he will stop my studies and force me to marry that man so that i have no other choice as if i become independent i can then deny or walk away from this marriage.so i am very scared for my studies.
i live in ******* and i am 22 years old.i am studying ******.it will be completed in 2 years but as my family is living in ****** so i will move back there with them.and there i can take up a job only after i complete these 2 years and then internship which will again require money and after that i have to study further more two years after which i can get a job.so it means that totally 5 more years to go before i can have a job.i thought of switiching my career but i have already come a long way and it's sort of not possible.i don't know what to do nor is there anybody to show me the way guide me or support me.i feel so low thinking that i can't ask anybody back home to guide me rather i depend just now on myself although i don't know much and now thanks God that through this site and you people i am guided to the right way.my father says he would have never spent money on my education as he said when you will marry your income won't come to me but as my eldest brother became mad divorced his wife and left home so my father i don't know in rage or what started my education.my brother was also a good practising muslim and studies shariah and law but he was forced to marry an illiterate girl so as soon as he found a job and started supporting himself he ended up giving a divorce.one to one counselling i am ready but with whom.my family who won't even listen to me.and if i am not took out of this situation it will haunt me my whole life and depress me.no matter how much i try doing everything.after all i am a human not a stone.even if they make me marry him and i become very spiritual and all stuff this thing will always remain in my heart.that i was never bad i tried every possible thing but then too here i am again in the same situation with a person i don't want to live and all stuff.i will just live to die.
i am very scared of talking to my family.once i talked to my fiancee and he said ok he will leave me but he said he will curse me that i will never be happy.i told him you haven't supported me till now and now too after knowing everything that i am constantly depressed by the talks of every one including my family and the struggles you are not doing anything.he said you don't want to live with me.i told him have you ever thought of changing and supporting me.but he said he will leave me.but i am scared that once he leaves me my family will immediately tie me to someone else.just a man.they need just a man.no life.so i am not talking to him.i have lost contact for a year now.
hope it helped you to understand my situation.sorry for writing in a long story.but as i said i am not good at writing so sorry once again and thanks.
Barak Allah..
Sister, Asalaamualaykum,
Its ok to cry. I just wanted you to try and think with a calmer mind. When we cry, we are in a heightened state of emotion and things can seem worse.
I am impressed with you maashaAllah. You are studying medicine. You do not realise but this but through your academic intelligence, you are holding something very valuable. With a ******* degree, you can help so many people and work almost anywhere.
If your husband is in no rush to take you on yet, stay quiet. If the only way your father will fund your studies is by you accepting your current state, then put your head down and focus on your degree. Finish your degree, you have only two more years. Sister, come on - your education can take you anywhere, if only you put your mind to it. Once you have that gem under your wing - then decide what you want to do; (do you want to stay with this man or not). By this time, you will be able to work and move around. You will not need to be dependant on your father, so he will not be able to force you to marry against your will, because he'll have nothing to blackmail you with. Unless you give in emotionally. I am hoping though that you will be mentally strong enough to resist emotional pressure by then.
It seems as though I am simplifying your situation - and perhaps I am. But it can be simple.
Who do you currently live with? And does your husband live near to you?
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor
i am living currently as a paying guest in sort of an old age home . no my fiancee is living far away he is another city.so i don't see him nor do i talk to him.
i am trying to study hard.just i am worried because my last exams were not good enough as i was going through very much mentally and now i am scared if something happens my family will not forgive me.they won't let me go.but i am just praying God to help me. the country i will go to i can have a job only after 5 years more. but i am just praying and trying to concentrate on my studies.
thank you for giving time to me and helping me.
my best prayers and wishes...
Sister,
Since your nikah has been done with this man, I think we should refer to him as your husband. Whether this marriage is still valid or not because you have no interaction with him whatsoever, I do not know. This can be answered by a qualified Imam/Mufti. It may be good for you to visit a good Imaam to explain the nature of your relationship with your 'husband' to find out what your marital status is. Where abouts are you in Pakistan?
You have a lot going for you Sis. You are still young, you are studying a subject that you can use for earning and for deen anywhere in the world - that does not have to be only Pakistan or the UAE. I know you crave family support, I know the feeling. But things do not always go the way we want them to.
There are two options, either:
- you can continue despairing at your situation and continue fearing your family - this will depress you and waste your potential, you will become bitter and lose spirit and hope.
- or, you can think:
"I am young, I am healthy, I am intelligent, I love my deen. I have a chance to live away from my family and study a subject that many people would love to but are unable. Infact, alot of the Pakistani population are living in poverty and young children don't get a chance to go to school, instead they are standing on street corners covered in dust selling bits and bobs to get by. When I graduate, I will be able to get a job and help my own people and others too.
Yes, my father has been unjust by marrying me off at the age of 13, but I do not know what his circumstances were. Although his actions were wrong, I am sure he wanted good for me in his own way.
I will not waste my life by relying on others. I will keep my head down in order for my father to financially support me through my education and will complete my Medicine Degree. This may be hard at times, but I will bite my tongue for just a bit longer (it will pay off).
I will go and speak to a good qualified Imam/Mufti in order to ascertain my marital status.
If my husband has not been speaking to me for a year, I will take this as a blessing from Allah and keep quiet about how I feel about this until I graduate.
I will find a job and I will be able to support myself inshaAllah! I will not allow the bad decisions of my father to ruin my dreams and aspirations. I can and will move on.
I will try to seek comfort in Allah and relax my mind. I will get through this difficult time and I will be able to remain steadfast. I will take one step at a time, my deen, my studies, then marriage. I have a lot to offer, Alhumdulillah to the world. I am a good person, I love Allah and I believe He(swt) loves me too and will help me."
***
Sister, where do you live? I want to know if you can practically find a good practising Muslim community to put you in touch with an Mufti/Imam.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor
i live in *************.
thank you.i am trying to think positively and also trying to again start my studies with full concentration. as i was lost in my depression for some months.now i am starting again day by day making my courage to study again together with my Deen.i am starting again to concentrate but one thing i would like to mention is can you tell me some Dua for my concentration in studies and prayers.as when ever these thoughts come to my mind they haunt me and i loose interest and i feel like being with somebody only looking or talking so that i don't feel more depressed.so if you can tell me some dua i will do it and want my full energy in my studies and deen.
thank you once again.
My Dear Sister,
I know you feel alone and are fighting depression. So it is natural for you to want to keep talking to someone; someone who does not judge you. If talking to Maria helps you, keep doing this. At the same time, I want you to remind yourself that whatever you are currently in was meant to be that way. But you can make this situation better for yourself through positive thinking. Take a look at this website, it has some stress busting tips: http://www.soundvision.com/info/peace/stresstips.asp
I do not know of any duas specifically for studies, but the duas at this link will help alleviate your stress and anxiety inshaAllah which will in turn help you focus: http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/dua-in-islam/dua-for-anxiety-and-stress-2/.
The Prophet (bpuh) said: "Wonderful is the affair of the believer! His affairs in their entirety are good for him: if good befalls him, he is thankful, and that is good for him. And if harm befalls him, he is patient, and that is good for him. And this (prosperous state of being) is only for the believer."
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor
I was just wondering whether her nikah is actually valid considering she stated her parents and the boy's parents conducted the nikah on their behalf?
Assalam u alaikum,
i am writing again today.i am constantly reading your recommended Duas and only my fajar prayes sometimes didn't used to be on time which i am offering on time now.Allhamdullilah. now my problem is despite all this constantly some fear surrounds me everytime i step out of the house.as long as i am inside i feel sometimes this fear but i do something to stay away from it like talk to somebody or do duas and all.but mostly if i step out of the house i feel how wrong is this world i don't know i know everybody is not bad there are every sort of people but my past experiences with people always haunt me.i feel like not talking to anyone i mean not even girls.i even get around this fear that oh Allah if i don't get on my feet or i don't become independent how am i going to live.i am so fear full that any body can easily make me depressed and scare me even by something small.i always pray oh Allah please make everything good for me and give me the strength to succeed and always remain on the right path but i am too very scared.as i mentioned i have always been very dependent on others i mean financially my family and emotionally always on that man and now all of a sudden i did Taubah and i am all alone.so i mean hope you understand that now i can't speak to anyone.and i feel every body is so selfish and cheats that i don't want to even look at anybody.i always think will i someday be happy?will i someday get somebody who is very religious and takes care of me as always people have used me .i always think how disgusting everybody just think of themselves.i don't trust anybody.i feel i want to live alone.but please God give me some thing so i can stand on my feet and am no more a burden on my family even.i am again going to see my sister and family and i am even scared of visiting them as always one way or the other they make me feel a burden or make me feel unwanted or to marry or something like that.what should i do?i pray please God make me strong and help me so that i don't become weak or fall into something wrong and i always have this Imaan that when i left myself for God to decide i got successfull..
Walaykum as salam my beloved muslim,
You are awake and conscious, but you need to move from those feelings of fear and loneliness, little by little, not everybody is bad, there are good people out there, and not everybody cheats, there is loyal people too, not everybody is selfish, there are generous hearts.... and like this for everyone negative you will find someone positive, what you are doing praying everytime and holding to Allah(swt) when you have this kind of thoughts, it is the way for me to go over them.
What makes you so scared too, it is the fact that you need to build up healthy boundaries, not to let anyone get too close. You can talk to everyone, it is good and healthy, you are a social being, but with certain limits, you have to learn to talk about different subjects, you don´t need to tell them about your personal life, you are an intelligent woman, I believe it is an honour to have a conversation with you, ..... Learn not to expect anything from anyone, feel inside that whatever you need in Life, if it is good for you , you will get it, insha´Allah, then you will see everything that comes to your way as a blessing, insha´Allah.
Be loving, respectful and caring to your family, especially to your sister, she maybe jealous of you, you are studying, you are and act different from them, they are the way they are, try to accept and love them as they are.
You wrote this "..... i always have this Imaan that when i left myself for God to decide i got successfull".
You have experienced this in your Heart, that is why you talk this way, Alhamdulillah. You are a human being then you will feel sometimes better sometimes not so good, this is the human condition, don´t rush, go, step by step, handleling all your fears, one by one, this way you will build the woman you are called to be, insha´Allah.
All my Unconditonal Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamualaikum How can I email u? I am doing all the Dua and prayers. I want to strengthen my iman as mostly I feel I can't do anything I can't achieve anything I feel sometimes if I don't support myself or I am alone forever what will I do so I just want that I dont have these feelings mostly thankyou
Walaykum as salam, check your mail account I sent you already an email, please let me know if you got it.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister Maria, Can I email you as well?
Sure, I will email you, insha´Allah.
Sister UmmSarah, check your mail to see if I got it right.
María
IslamicAnswers.com
AsslamuLIkum sister z can you please remove the place I live in and my profession from my responses as I want to be safe about my security.thankyou
Assalamualaikum Maria M I got your email.thankyou somuch
Walaykum as salam, my beloved muslim,
You are welcome.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dearest Sister Z I would like to remind you if you could please remove the place I live I from my post and responses.
It will be highly appreciated.
Jazak Allah
Ok sis, I shall make some changes to your post inshaAllah. I cannot do so until a few hours or perhaps tomorrow. Don't worry, I'm sure your identity is safe though inshaAllah.
SisterZ
Editor
Assalamualaikum
Sister Z I am still waiting for you to change or remove the place I live In to preserve my identity.
It will be highly appreciated. Thankyou very much
Barakallah
Sister, Walaykumsalaam
I can't find any mention of your profession or place where you reside, so I think one of my colleagues has already made the changes.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamualaikum
Thankyou for your time. I am mentioning you the places where my place and profession are written to make it easy. I have mentioned my place in two paras. The date is 26 march and the time is one it's 9:09 p.m and the other post in which I have mentioned is In para 4 and the date is 26 march and the time is 8:50 a.m And in it I have mentioned my places and profession.
Thankyou very much. And sorry for the inconvenience .
Barrack Allah feek
Sister,
You can make changes to the comments you have submitted yourself by clicking on 'edit'.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister, I have made the changes you pointed out, although I am sure your identity was safe. It is highly un likely that your ex will do a random search and find this website.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thank you so very much. May Allah bless you.
Barrack Allah feek