Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Forced marriage making me depressed

Forced marriage

Forced Marriage

Asalam alaikum.

I was forced to  marry a guy that I don't like. I never had a relationship ever in my life because I know it's haram. There was no one to stop me from dating, but I always believed that if I control my desires, I'll get rewarded for it. I never thought life had all this in store for me.

The big issue for me is that he is not good looking at all. Even though I am an Asian, everyone who sees me for the first time thinks that I am an American or someone because of my colored eyes and features. All of my friends who see him say that he is not even close to good looking and it's very unfair to me. The only reason they accepted me was because I am beautiful. If I was judged only on the basis of my looks, why can't I get to choose someone I myself like?

The truth is I don't feel attracted to him at all. Every time I see a picture of him, I get disgusted. And he is much older than me (more than 10 years). Plus our personalities are entirely opposite. He is too much into things like cheap, meaningless poetry and all. He is very self-obsessed. When he told me that he hardly prays, he also said "I might not be religious, but I am a very good person", and he keeps saying this all the time- I am a very good person, I am very good at this, I am very good at that. And I am sick of it.

I told all this to my parents, and the only answer they give is that these things don't matter, he belongs to a nice family, and look at how much he earns. Just because he belongs to a nice family and he is rich doesn't mean I have to kill all my desires. I am not at all into brands, nor am I used to living a very fancy and luxurious life. It's not like I'll die out of hunger without his money.

Also those people overspend so much, and they are way too much into brands and all that. This is totally opposite of what I am. I am not saying that I am a perfect muslim, but I try to understand Islam as much as I can and I have read and heard various lectures and hadees warning muslims not to over spend.

I had told my mom several times that whenever you get me married, please try to keep it as simple as possible. We can help so many people with the amount of money we waste on these functions. And these people (including my own parents) spend lacs of rupees on functions, dresses, jewelry, makeup etc etc. It really breaks my heart to see all this. We see people die of hunger, and here these people feel proud of over spending. They tell everyone how much they spent on these meaningless things. I can't imagine spending a minute with him.

You must be thinking if I had so many issues, why did I ever say yes to this proposal? So let me tell you that I was pressured to the point where I gave up. I told my mother several times that I didn't like him, and asked her to turn down the proposal, but she said that I was being very ungrateful and if I said that to my father, I'll be grounded and he will stop my education. At one point she said that if I don't change my attitude towards the proposal, then I should consider her dead.

Even my father told me that he made a big mistake by letting me have an education, and that he should have treated me the way people used to treat their daughters in earlier times- ie they weren't allowed to have an education and they had no freedom at all. If he had treated me that way, I would have never gone against his decisions. He said that I don't need to like or even see the guy, because if they like him, it should be good enough for me. But I did see him because other relatives told my dad that it was not the right way.

Both of them stopped talking me for so many days until I said yes. Initially my dad told me that they were just getting me engaged, not married, and it was not a big deal. A week later he said that engagements are unislamic, and he'll get me married instead. He did this many times. Whenever he wanted me to agree to something, he'd say anything to make me agree. But the very next day he'd change his statement, and when asked he'd simply say that he changed his mind. Noq they use it as a justification to shut my mouth, saying that I said yes to this proposal.

I am suffering from clinical depression and if this continues, I'll have a miserable life- not just in the world, but even hereafter since I am bitter towards my family and towards the guy and his family.  I even complain to Allah sometimes asking why didn't He help me when He could. I just don't know what to do. Can someone suggest to me any dua or wazifa to get rid of this situation and end this marriage?

-Hina159


Tagged as: , , , , ,

12 Responses »

  1. Sister,

    Exercise your Islamic right and tell your parents you have changed your mind. It doesn't matter if he has money and comes from a good family. If you don't want to marry him...don't. It is your Islamic right to do so.

    The pressure your parents are putting you under is a shame. To end your education simply because you don't bow down and marry a man you aren't remotely attracted to?

    Just say, "Ive changed my mind and I am not marrying so and so". Let them go on about whatever they wish but in the end, who you marry is your choice...not theirs.

    Salam

    • Sister,

      In rereading my comment, I realize that you are already married. I misread the post and thought you were only engaged. I am so sorry to learn that you were forced to marry a man you clearly did not want to. It really saddens me when parents push their children into marriages in this manner.

      Think long and hard about your next step and if you want to continue this marriage or not. Even though divorce is highly discouraged in Islam, there are legitimate reasons by which you can divorce your husband and revulsion is one of them. Allah hu alem

      Salam

  2. OP: I was forced to marry a guy that I don't like........The big issue for me is that he is not good looking at all....... The truth is I don't feel attracted to him at all. Every time I see a picture of him, I get disgusted.

    How long have you been married? Do you live togather?
    Did you know he was not good looking before you agreed to marry him?
    Would you marry a very handdsome dude who has no money or good education?
    A whole lot of times people look attractive because the way they dress, hair style etc
    Do you think your husband can be made to look attarctive by changing his dressing style, hair syle etc?
    You can marry a very good looking person, but after few days he may look like average, you may start noticing his short comings.

    When was the first time you were diagnosed with clinical depression? Are you depression prone?

  3. Being a muslim you have to beleive in fate, if you beleive that you are beautiful than anyone then you are comparing something that is not yours, it is Allah who has made you beautiful and it is not your quality. Your quality will be to do your duty as a good muslim and a good wife and to be a good person. There are many other qualities which are equally important if he is caring , virtuous, intelligent , wity and good to your family than it is ok. For depression you should see a doctor, if he does anything which is haram than you can seek divorce. Beauty is related to age after some years you might not be that beautiful but good character is permanent.
    Allah give you peace.

  4. Hina,

    There is something that needs to be rephrase "he is not good looking at all" would mean that you are only after with the looks. I'm a girl too and I understand what you mean to say and its a reality that we take into consider first at the physical looks. But this one explains better "I don't feel attracted to him at all". If we are about to summarize " LOVE " is the issue..It is "You don't want to marry a man that you don't love". Because love is not just on physical looks.

    Well, you have to decide thoroughly, try to figure if there is a spark between you and the guy..How you wish you could have a date with him just to know him more and find out if there's a hope you could love him. Talk to him and see for yourself.

    Angela

  5. Oh my God it looks like i have written this, i am exactly facing this situation. Being asian it is very difficult for girl to express her unhappiness. Whenever i discussed mostly people just give me advices that everything will be allright after some time. But i am very depressed husband have so many rights i am afraid ibam making Allah angry being his wife and not loving him. I want to end this relation but i dont know how can i make my family understand about my marriage.

  6. This is quite tricky . I used to be a handsome man 🙂 and was very much disappointed on first day of my marriage because i found my wife very ordinary in look and less attractive on first day itself .
    Though i had seen her one before marriage for very little time but after marriage i was too disappointed due to her look .On top of it she was less religious due to her background .I remember once she left my house forcibly to work in other city to earn saying lot of money is required for success in life .She and her mother had always issues due to their attitude and lack of deen in their life ...

    Though i used to get angry many times and had arguments but i didn't leave her ..There was one stage in life(after 3.6 years) where she realised what she did was wrong and how wrong islamically it was wrong her to leave my house ..It took time but deen entered house .Thought of akhirat started occupying my mind .

    I have completed 5 years of marriage and have one kid and i am finding her attractive ..It my case it took time but it worked for me .......

  7. Hold on here. What I see is too many people attacking this sister because she finds her husband irreligious and unattractive and suggesting that she needs to try and see the good in him.

    BUT SHE WAS FORCED INTO THE MARRIAGE. It wouldn't matter why she didn't wish to marry him if she was forced into the marriage. Forcing her was wrong.

    I have no idea of what she can do now if she is in Asia.

  8. Sister Hina, from your post it appears your parents went tough on you ,didn't give importance to your views.

    Reason is obvious ,they are mature experienced people who are seeing things deeper and know what is most essential and better for you in long run.

    Sorry to say but requirement for beauty in spouse as top priority is immature. You might not remain as beautiful in few years and he might become more graceful by changing hairstyle or his dressing as suggested above.

    I am guessing he is not ugly looking but looks are not to your standards. I think your friends are to blame too for flaring your feeling against your husband. Beware of friends who flatter you as they are in fact worst enemies.

    Because you have blocked your mind for him due to his looks,that is why you are even belittling his good points of having a nice job,good status as well as benign hobbies of interest in poetry.
    He doesn't deserve to have a wife who hates him so it will be in interest of both this relationship ends.

    • First point,
      She was FORCED
      Fsecond, in islam, it says that 2 people Have to be attracted to each other, there is nothing wrong in that.

  9. Islam shun the idea of forced marriage. You have had the total right to refuse the marriage in the first place, you chose not to because you could not bear the rejection of your parents. Now you are depressed and spiteful to your parents, his parents and your relationship with Allah. And you want "something" can help you to end this marriage instead of standing up to ask for a divorce - not that I am suggesting. Can you see what is happening now is the consequence of you not being standing up for yourself, you are just passively agreeing and actively complaining of the situation now.

    Ask yourself what exactly do you want to do? Passively waiting for a miracle or something to help you to cease this marriage? Or you need to take a real action: ask for a divorce; or go to a marriage counseling; or choose to live in depression everyday?

    I think going to a marriage counseling may be a more realistic and possible mid way solution. Try to see if you and your husband can work out something together. You have mentioned that "he said he is good....." How about his character? Is he kind? Is he generous to the poor? Is he educated? Can you try to look at him in a different angel except focusing that he does not look good. He said he is not religious and neither of you, maybe it is a chance to bring you both close to Allah? To start learning Islam together, to do some charity work if he is rich enough to care.

    Honestly, I don't think you have the dare to ask for a divorce if you had had not the dare to say no about the proposal to your parents. Now the impact of the turmoil is much greater than before, it involves two families and thousands of eyes in the community. I sincerely hope no more forced marriage should happen again but this is a typical example for anyone who should stand firm to say no to force marriage. The cost of dealing the aftermath is way much heavier than before.

    Your parents may tend to find the pleasure in the worldly needs but you seem a better person than them and have a lot of good inside you. You are not like them, you are not into money and parties and wasteful life style. Instead of torturing yourself, make dua to ask Allah to give you the strength and wisdom to deal with the situation and see behind the meaning of it. May it be a divorce, may it be a marriage counseling, inshallah, you will overcome it.

  10. Sister,

    If you are forced you have every right to divorce. There is no point in suffering in this marriage. Life is not about suffering in a marriage. That is not the purpose of a womens life!

    It is very hard for women as they need the permission of their parents to marry and cannot marry someone of their choice, and the emotional pressure is immense as women do not want to be rejected by their family! How can they live in the streets by themselves! So none can blame a women who was emotionally blackmailed, as women need their family.

    Their are men who were forced to get married and they didnt stand up to their parents! When they have FULL RIGHT to marry whoever they want! They don't need parents permission to marry! If parents disown them they are able to live by themselves! So men have no excuse! Then they divorce the poor innocent wife!

    But men are protectors and maintainers of women so its understandable that women would be more submissive to their fathers and brothers as the need their permission and the world is a dangerous women for lone women so she cannot afford to ve deserted by her family, she cant ho against them! Women are more vulnerable so I would never blame a women who was forced to get married but Her parents are to blame.

    So I would say sister divorce him and look for someone that you will be attracted to phisically and emotionally! Life is too short to suffer in a horrible marriage, marriage is about peace and tranquility.

    May Allah give you peace soon Insha Allah

Leave a Response