Forced to marry my cousin
Forced marriage
AoA!
I got engaged to my cousin 2 years ago. My mother didn't even tell me and went to ask for her hand in marriage.. But for my family's sake I tried to make things work. I wasn't happy and a few months later I told everyone including my cousin that I didn't love her and wanted to break it off. I kept fighting but regardless they forced me into marriage. I begged my cousin to make it easier since my parents are very fond of her and would listen to her but she refused to help.
I've been married for 4 months now and I tried but I'm just not happy. I don't love her and never have.. Um depressed I feel suffocated! I don't understand how wanting to give her a divorce is my fault! I want to live a happy married life and she deserves nothing less too but we can't have that since I won't ever be able to give her what she wants. I was forced into it and I didn't lie or hide my feelings from anyone. Please guide me and tell me some Hadith about these situations. I've no one to guide me as everyone is biased and doesn't understand I can't force myself to be happy.
taimur
15 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
I don't understand whats with men, not having the courage of saying NO but can be brave enough to give divorce easily. Where people muster the courage to say no but avoid the option of giving divorce which is the most unliked thing in front of Allah.
I get u did warned everyone about your intentions and feelings but this was not that hard a decision to make. Nobody held a gun when you were asked DO YOU AGREE TO THIS MARRIAGE. Now u need to make it work. If she is a good pious wife and fulfill her duties then u need to give this a chance. This might take some time. If you keep thinking of yourself now then its never going to work out.
SubhanAllah how can anyone force a man to a marriage in the first place????
If you didnt want to marry her, why did you agree at the end? As a grown up man you didnt need premission from anyone. You had the choice to say NO,you choose to marry her. You couldnt stand for yourself then and now that you are married you want to divorce her?? Marriage is not a joke!! How comes its so easy to divorce but before marriage you couldnt stand for yourself!!! Well its too late now since you had the choice and you chose to be silent, you have to try your best to make it work now.
Yeah, that's right. Let's just blame him completely and make him feel worse. I'm sick of people's views such as yours saying "how can a man be forced etc..." ok so why can women be forced then? People say emotional blackmail or coercion from family. Have men no emotions to be manipulated with? I suppose not in your eyes.
Islam says forced marriage is a sin and a man or a woman cannot be forced into a marriage against their will, not YOUR opinion which is:
Woman forced into marriage? We should help her! How dare her family oppress her like this!
Man forced into marriage? His fault. Men are not emotional, have no emotions and can easily disregard their families for themselves.
Well done for probably making our poor brother feel worse. Brilliant.
"Islam says forced marriage is a sin and a man or a woman cannot be forced into a marriage against their will, not YOUR opinion which is:
Woman forced into marriage? We should help her! How dare her family oppress her like this!"
eheeemm my opinion?? lol please read again, i never said anything like this, why do you put words in my mouth for?
Well you are right force marriages are not allowed in islam and no once forced him to marry his cousin!! No one held a gun and threatened him to say yes or else he will die. He chose to marry her. He himself said yes, so it was his choice!!! how comes he didnt have the courage to say NO before marriage and now its so easy for him to divorce?? Its 100% his own fault, he is a grown up man and should be able to make his own decisions otherwise he shouldnt even be married in the first place!
"No one held a gun and threatened him to say yes or else he will die. He chose to marry her. He himself said yes, so it was his choice!!! how comes he didnt have the courage to say NO before marriage and now its so easy for him to divorce?? Its 100% his own fault, he is a grown up man and should be able to make his own decisions otherwise he shouldnt even be married in the first place!"
And yet I'm sure that if it was a woman in this brothers situation, all you would have is compassion and sympathy.
Stop your accusations. If the poster was a female i would exactly say the same thing!!
I agree that some of the responses here were unnecessarily harsh, but I think we need to recognize that forced marriage for men and women are different. Yes both are wrong and invalid Islamically and yes both men and women can be manipulated by their family into saying yes to a marriage they don't want. But let's consider the broader societal picture for a second here. Unmarried women must live with their families to maintain their reputations in many Muslim societies. If they refuse a marriage their parents insist on, it's much easier for parents to apply daily pressure on them. A man, however, can move out from his parents home with little damage to his reputation. Also, a woman needs a wali to get married; if she stands her ground against a marriage her parents are insisting on, they could retaliate by refusing other proposals as a way of forcing her to accept the man they want because he becomes her only option. A man does not need his parents permission to get married, so his parents cannot do this to him and he is free to marry someone of his choice. Finally, the consequences in society for a divorced man and a divorced woman are very different in many societies. So if this man divorces his wife because he was manipulated into marrying her, it will be extremely hard if not impossible for her to marry again, whereas he can move on relatively easily.
Is any of this right? No, of course not. But my point is that the circumstances surrounding forced marriages for men and women are very different in the societies we live in, and the consequences of a man standing his ground on this issue are much less severe than they are for a woman. That's something we need to recognize and address as a society and as an Ummah.
Also, we need to teach our young men and women to stand up for themselves better than this. How many people on this forum have come to say they married someone because their parents said they would commit suicide or because they were 'ill'. Young people need to know that they have rights in Islam, there are limits to the obedience of parents, and that no one in the history of humanity has ever had a heart attack because their daughter refused to marry the person they chose for her. Just say no!
If you are truly unhappy then maybe divorce is the best option before children become involved. Its better to be honest and tell her the truth otherwise she will suffer a lot if you do not love her. Love cannot be forced. There should be some feeling there of wanting to make a life together. She will always feel that you do not love her and that will affect her emotionally. Marriage is not just about finances ,cooking and cleaning. Two people need to have connection and grow and develop together. Before children are involved divorce while you can so as to not make this woman's future life miserable with a man who does not love her.
I am disgusted in some of the replies a read blaming you I am a girl and I am wearing the same shoes as you with being pressured into marrying my own cousin and everyone knew I did not want him everytime I tried talking to my father he would go mad at me and say I am too ugly nobody else will want me the guy is too good for me any way he can do better etc but I don't believe that I know I'm beautiful and nobody can bring my self esteem down but the fact that my own blood tells me that to my face is heart braking. I have been destroyed mentally and emotionally with hearing words from my own family that wounded my heart but still I pray for them I pray to God that he will give them a heart to understand, I told the guy I do not like him but he has no pride what's so ever he thinks we can work it out when Alls I do is hate him I can't stand him I always run away from him, my wedding hasn't happened yet but the nikah has although this was done out of my will and my dad spoke on my behalf even though I was in the room also today my dad blames me he says well you should have said no to the imam but how could I in a room full of people (family) how could I bring that shame to my father if only he'd understand, but brother pray to Allah SWT and I am too it's shocking how many people you find will be in the same shoes as you are lucky in the sense you are a man because then you have the say in the marriage life she will just have to listen but girls have no choice.. I can't tell you to work on the marriage or break it off because I don't no my self or shall I say I do know but they stop me they threaten me... Allah is the greatest seek refuge in him
Masha'Allah sister, I just wanted to tell you that I admire your self-confidence. I'll keep you in my prayers in'sha Allah, and hope that things get easier for you, and for all in similar situations. Ameen.
Thank you, thank you so much for taking time out for praying for me and for everyone else who are facing the same difficulty we need your prayers, Insha Allah, allah will accept all your prayers and keep you blessed. May he bless you with what is in your heart and take away from your life anything that will harm you or upset you. Ameen
Assalaamualaikam
Regardless of whether a person is male or female, forced marriage is wrong. We all have the right in Islam to choose whether to accept or decline a proposal.
Now that you are married to your cousin, you need to make a decision about where to go from here. While divorce is an option, it isn't something to rush into. Maybe spend some time getting to know your cousin and deciding if the two of you could be compatible together - Is she pious? Is she kind-hearted and loving? Do you have things in common? Do you share key values?
Depending on where you live, you might want to try some marriage counselling, or talk things through with an imam at your local mosque.
If you do decide that you cannot remain married to your cousin, then you do have the right to initiate divorce proceedings, but you need to be aware that your family may well not understand or accept this. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, but it's something that you'll need to factor in to your plans. Before making any final decisions, be sure to pray istikhara.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Assalam alaikum,
For a moment ignore all the 'noise' coming from different people telling you that you are wrong or telling you that you are right. Right now, you are swayed to give divorce and any negative comment probably reinforces that. If you divorce your wife, you might think that was wrong later or feel guilt.
It is best to ask Allah swt for guidance. If your family forced you, talking to them isn't probably the route to go. Pray Isthikhara. Go to counselling and tell your wife how you feel. Since she already knew from before, tell her that you need to be honest and that you:
1) want her to be happy and want to be happy.
2) you don't want to waste your time and her time but want to take the right decision (whether that is divorce or remain married)
3) that you don't want to cause pain or be in pain
4) that you will make the best effort now, despite what has happened, to ensure the best decision is made.
After what has happened, I do not think it would be fair to leave your wife out of the decision & involving your family wouldn't help matters either. So rather than rush into divorcing her because you feel it is your right, take your time to make sure you are right. It is going to have lasting effects on you and her especially if the both of you have already been intimate.
Do take your time and may Allah swt ease your difficulties and help you in finding the best solution, Ameen.
Salam
I also dont want to marry may cosin but i dont have option to say "no" so what i do my quetion is this i can't do suicide what i do i am so tensed.what i do?
You DO have the option to say no. It might not be easy, it might cause problems, but you can assert your rights as given to you by Islam.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor