A Man Was Forced to Marry - Is it Valid?
Captain Kirk is restrained by Romulans… forcing him to marry?
March 30, 2007
This question is answered by Wael Abdelgawad, the AskBilqis.com and Zawaj.com Editor and Administrator.
QUESTION:
Dear Bilqis,
A friend was forced to get married in Pakistan. A Nikah was performed with some witnesses, but he was not agreeing to the marriage. He was forced. Is there any grounds for annulment?
- N. from UK, aka Concerned Friend
WAEL ANSWERS:
Dear Concerned Friend, As-Salamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullah,
I don’t understand how he could be forced. Was he physically restrained, so that he could not leave? Two big guys held him by the arms, like the Romulans are doing to Captain Kirk?
Ok, I realize that I am being insensitive, and I’m sorry, but I get this type of question all the time, and I just want to say to people, “Take resonsibility for your own lives. Take responsibilty for your own decisions. If your parents pressured you by saying, “If you don’t marry her, we’ll kick you out of the house,” so you married her, well, you had a choice and you made a decision. Take responsibility for your choices. Otherwise you’re going to write to me after five years when you’re miserable and you want to commit suicide - yes, I get those all the time as well.
For women it’s a different story. In some societies women have very little power or influence, and their rights are not always respected, so it can be very difficult for them to resist the pressure that is brought to bear to marry a particular person or behave in a particular way. I know that women are often coerced into choices that they do not want.
But - I also get many questions from women who say they were forced, and when I read the details I see that they were not really forced, they just found it easier to go along, rather than speak up for themselves or resist the pressure. Women too must take more responsibility for their choices, especially women who are educated and know that they have rights as Muslims.
By the way, forced marriage is also illegal in most countries, including even in Saudi Arabia and Afghanistan, and in February 2007 the Pakistani Parliament introduced a bill called the “Prevention of Anti-Women Practices Bill,” that will outlaw this practice in Pakistan as well. This bill may be passed by the end of 2007.
What About Obedience to Parents?
Of course as Muslims we must respect and obey our parents, but this does not mean that we are slaves. We have the right to make choices for our lives, and one of these choices is whom to marry.
As much as we owe obedience to our parents, they in turn owe obedience to Allah and to the Messenger of Allah (pbuh), who clearly forbade forced marriages.
Sheikh Moiz Amjad from Understanding-Islam.com writes,
“No one, not even the parents, have a right to force marriage upon any boy or a girl. Without the free consent of the woman (as well as the man), a marriage contract would be deemed void. Forcing marriage upon a woman is clearly against the teachings of the Prophet (pbuh).
According to a narrative reported by Abu Dawood, once when a case of forced marriage was reported to the Prophet (pbuh), he allowed the woman (who was forced into marriage) the option to revoke the marriage, if she desired to do so (Abu Dawood, Kitaab al-Nikah, Narrative No. 1797).
The free choice of the woman is a necessary condition for a valid Nikah. In view of this fact, if it is found out that a woman has been coerced into a Nikah, then such a Nikah can be revoked or even invalidated by the competent legal authority.”
So in the case of this man in question, if he was truly forced (somehow) then the marriage is invalid, since mutual consent is one of the prerequisites for marriage in Islam. And this is true for everyone - if you did not consent to the marriage, then it is not valid.
If any readers have some additional advice for this questioner, feel free to post your comments below.
Glory to You Allah, we praise You, we bear witness that there is no God except You, we ask Your forgivess and we repent to You.
Best regards,
- Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Administrator
AskBilqis.com Islamic Marriage and Family Advice
ZAWAJ.COM Muslim Matrimonials and More!
Written by wael on March 28th, 2007 with
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#1. August 5th, 2007, at 12:29 PM.
as-salaam aleikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
while the answer may have been a bit harsh, he is correct in saying we all need to take responsibility for our own lives.
it is much harder on a Muslim girl/woman though because in many ways if she is in a culture that does not grant her her Islamic rights, she is literally physically punished for not agreeing to a marriage.
but there is such a strong pressure that families do put on both young men and women to marry someone the family chose despite what their son/daughter thinks.
now, for the brothers who are told things like “if you do not marry her we will kick you out of the house” –unfortunately, is it really better to marry and then always want to leave the home to get away from the marriage and the family that you grow to resent?
and then in Pakistan the there is a culture of such negativity over people who divorce… that if this young man divorces this woman, she may have a problem finding another husband. but, if this brother decided to divorce her I really REALLY hope she at the very least is still a virgin because in that part of the world its that much harder to find another husband also!! ugh disgusting cultural practices Aouthubillah!
as for the pressure/forcing of marriage, I know of one man… except he was 35 and still not married!! He is Pakistani (but living in America–has a green card)and he met my Muslim-American friend whom he decided he wanted to marry… but that he NEEDED the approval of his parents first. She met his family and his mother even told him she was nice and all but NO WAY did she want him marrying a non-Pakistani!! He is so TERRIBLY afraid of the hadith that says that “heaven lies at the feet of your mothers” that he WILL NOT go against his mother’s opinion for fear he will go to hell.
he wants to be the one to live with them and take care of them in their old age and until they pass away. so my friend understood this and was even agreeing to live with his parents. But noooooo his mother threatened him that she was going to move back to Pakistan and live with his brother and telling him she would rather commit suicide rather than he marry her!! So unfortunately after about a 2 months of trying to speak to his mother, she got the point that he just will not make the decision for himself and called it quits so she can look for another husband.
3 years later.. YES 3 years later she gets a phone call… it is him. He asks her how she is doing and then he also asks “so… if you are not married yet, my mother has accepted for me to marry you.”
and then my friend was about to reply and he said “and it is not that we have been looking for a wife these past 3 years and couldn’t find anyone so she finally agreed to you… ” and my friend was like “mmm hmm yeah, right” and told him basically that “you should have stood up for me, for yourself but you didn’t. you will only obey your mother even if she is wronging me”
so of course she rejected him… now there he was.. age 38 left with not even the girl that WANTED to marry him and live with his parents to help him take care of them.
through other Pakistani acquaintences, now in the United States it is getting harder to find Pakistani girls who are willing to live with their in-laws. They want their own place to be only with their husband. He lost out on the best woman because he was pressured (he would say forced but he COULD have said no)by his own mother’s selfishness. AstagferAllah!