My husband agreed to me not wearing hijab before marriage but now he is forcing me to cover.
I am extremely torn, depressed and in need of advice.
My story begins when I met my husband on a social dating website and we started talking as friends. The more we talked the more we found we had in common even though we were miles apart and grew up in totally different cultures and countries. After a while he confessed that he loved me and hoped I felt the same, well I did. He felt that I would reject him because I was western and he was a Muslim. Well, I accepted him no matter where he came from or what religion he was. I loved him for who he was.
He told me he accepted me as I was and I believed him. One day out of the blue he told me I had to cover my hair and I told him no I wouldn’t do that and if he expected me to then we should stop where we are and just be friends. He didn’t accept that and said no he loved me and it was ok. After about a month he started asking me to convert to Islam, I politely told him no again. When he asked why I told him I just couldn’t blindly believe in a religion (I am not just talking about islam, any religion). There are things in Islam I do agree with such as there is only one god, Allah. I also believe that Jesus(pbuh) was a prophet and not a god. But there are other things I don’t agree with and this is why I didn’t want to convert.
We never met in person so we got to know each other through the internet. We had lots of fights over me changing and converting. We talked over the course of 2 years before deciding to meet and marry. Even though I agreed to marry him I always told him I would not wear a scarf and he always said ok I am not going to make you wear it. There was a point right before I left that I was going to call it off because I felt he hadn’t listened to me when I said I would never wear a scarf. He begged me not to leave him and come and everything would be fine. So I met him in person for the very 1st time. I fell in love with him all over again. He asked me if I still wanted to marry and I said yes but again confirmed not wearing a scarf.
I had agreed to convert to Islam. So I’m a convert for marriage. He hasn't helped me understand anything and I feel totally lost. I have tried to research Islam on my own but without someone to help me understand and the things I read make me totally confused!
Before I met and married him I didn’t practice any religion and I was very happy with my life. I did believe in god(one god), but as far as a practicing religion I had none. After marriage I started to dress modestly, pray and started to memorize some of the Quran. But I don’t believe wearing a scarf draped all around me makes me a better person! I don’t think not wearing it makes me a bad person either. Since it states in the Quran that Allah knows what’s in everyone’s hearts, then Allah knows I have good intentions and a good heart. I am not saying anything bad about the quran, or the religion but when you can’t blindly follow or believe it’s not going to work.
I love my husband with all my heart. He is my soul mate and I can’t see living without him, but I can’t be forced into something I am not. He told me Islam is not by enforcement but he has “forced” me the whole time. Just like he is forcing the “scarf” on me now. I have changed a lot and again I pray, learning quran, dress modestly and even fast. But covering my hair is not an option. I am faithful to my husband so he doesn’t have to worry I will stray, but all that I have done isn’t good enough. I feel it will never be good enough. He is forcing me and making me misserable and depressed. He knew I didn’t cover my hair and he still married me! I never promised him I would. Religion is supposed to bring peace and happiness to us but so far I have not been happy or felt any peace.
I can’t feel or see the beauty in Islam because of my husband’s enforcement. I am depressed, misserable and I am oppressed! I also feel betrayed and that he lied to me. Many say the “scarf” is their choice, well it’s not mine and it is being forced on me! I have no problems with women who wear hijab. If it’s their choice I am happy for them. Have also read on websites that many muslim women don’t feel the need to cover their hair, and I also read that muslim women never covered their hair during prophet Mohamad’s(pbuh) life that it was something only his wives did, that muslim women only started to emulate the prophet’s wives many years after HIS death. I don’t believe it’s fard and there is no real “consequense” for not wearing it.
I just can’t take the pain and hurting anymore and thinking suicidal thoughts more and more everyday… My mother is of no help because she isn’t religious at all and is always negative and asking why am I doing this. She doesn’t understand that I am trying. I can’t talk to my husband either because he is the other end pushing me. I do not live with my husband and the distance makes a strain on us, but I can’t take his pushing me anymore or my mother’s negativity. Please someone who can relate help me. I am at my wits end! I really don’t want to be preached at by men telling me I need to wear a scarf because my feelings right now are I don’t trust a man’s opinion on what a woman should or shouldn’t do. So please sisters help me! I will take any constructive advice(even from men).
Thank you for your time and consideration….
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