Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I found my Mr. Right online but don’t know how to tell my parents

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"I met Mr. Right through an online matrimonial service, but how do I tell my parents?"

Assalamu Alaikum wa rahmatu Allahi wa barakatuh,

I have a problem.

I'm a very religious person, practise and love my religion, I attend to many Islamic courses and spend a lot of time in Masjeed as I'm involved in a muslim Youth Association Alhamdulillah.

Recently, my parents wanted me to get married because I've always been very mature for my age. I use to look after all my siblings, help my parents in almost every aspect of our family life (even paying bills lol). I have a lot of responsabilities at home and that made me grow up quickly.

So, they had a proposal but I refused. I didn't even want to hear about it because I didn't want to get married. Studies were my priority before marriage and I made a promise to myself that I'll finish University before getting married. My parents were very disapointed but respected my choice.

After that, I started thinking about my life priorities and the way I want to live in the future. The more I was thinking, the more I was confused. In fact, I simply refused to admit one thing : I was ready to get married but too worried to take the step.

My fears were  superficial and selfish in fact : what if I marry now and can't finish my studies ?  What if I'm not happy and that's not the right guy ? What if...what if...what if...I

Yes, you noticed that most of my fears are based on studies lol. I'm the eldest in the family, always had to show the example, always convincing myself that  studies are very precious, they can give me independance and help me out if something happens to me (of course, Allah swt is the Only One who can really help me). Well, when you keep telling this to yourself, you get worried if things don't happen the way you want them to be. So to avoid all the "problems" I thought, better avoid marriage.

Today, I'm aware how selfish I was. When you think about your real purpose in life, you realize that all of these plans are just a futile pursuit. My goal is to go to Jannah, and I was lying to myself.

Anyways, my heart is peaceful now and I don't feel anymore fear Alhamdulillah. I trust Allah swt and I know that everything comes from Him and for the best. I'm finally embracing the idea of getting married because I  feel my life's incomplete. The only way for me to move forwads is to settle down. This is very clear now for me.

Well, I started looking for a husband myself and didn't tell my parents that I changed my mind. Why ? Because I wanted to give myself a chance to find the partner I want, then let them look someone for me if it doesn't work.

I didn't how I could meet somebody and get to know him in real,  so I decided to register on a matrimonial website and see how it goes. I signed up (but was very sceptical though). The first days, I received more than 30 messages from different people. But I liked only one profile. We sent each other messages and started to speak  about serious issues at the very first discussions. He's from UK and I live in France. Both of us are serious about marriage, and we were very surprised to find out that we have the same views about life. Ok, now you're probably thinking I'm kinda naive lol. Honestly, I'm not. I asked a lot of tricky questions, let him speak about himself and tested him to see if he lies or not, if he's the person he's prentending to be. I was happy to see that I misdjuged him. He's what I always looked for, not perfect, but he fears Allah swt.

We spoke for couple weeks, for both of us everything was clear : we wanted to get married. I never fell in love but this time, subhanAllah, I felt love and peace in my heart. I felt like Allah swt put those feelings in my heart and I feel confident. He told his parents about me. His family was very happy for him. I decided to go and tell mine.

And here is the problem. My family is very religious and my dad is a  nervous person. He gets angry very easily. So I tried a soft approach. Tried to know what they think about people who find their spouse online.

The answer was irrevocable : "I don't understand how these people could go and sell themselves on the internet? Don't these girls have any pride? Parents should look for their daughters. And it's very dangerous! People are always not honest on the internet. Then the girl falls in love, she gets married and realizes that the guy was lying! If she's lucky, she finds out before she marries him. And most of these girls lie to their parents! They let them know at the last minute and hide everything till they drop the bomb "someone's gonna come and propose to me tomorrow, get ready!". Alhamdulillah, you're not one of them, I hate such things. My daughter can't do that to me. She can't betray me"

Imagine my reaction...I just wanted to cry. I don't know what to do!! I feel so guilty and in the same time, I want to marry that person. But how to tell my parents? How to make them accept and not ruin my relationship with them??

Please help me.

May Allah swt reward you  inshAllah and I hope my grammar wasn't too bad 😉

- Assiya, France


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15 Responses »

  1. Salamu Aleikum Assiya,

    I hope you are fine and don't worry about this matter too much. In fact, muslim matrimonial or

    shaadi.com are Islamic marriage sites and no unlawful sides prohibited by scholars. There

    are many ways how you can find your soulmate the Islamic way. One is on the Internet, provided

    that: There is a chaperone or a male relative who knows about this , in fact the family should be

    informed as well. There is nothing wrong in talking to a non-mahram with the purpose of getting

    married, as long as the conversations don't lead to Shahwa or Haram.

    Look, maybe it would be helpful to address this issue directly. Tell them that this is your life,

    that you can find your soulmate yourself, but the Islamic way. What would be the difference if

    he proposes for marriage because your parents know the family, or he proposes because

    he got to know you on the Web. Make a suggestion: Before the proposal, try to arrange a meeting

    between your parents and his parents. That would be very helpful. They get to know each other and

    you can think of the next steps. Don't even think of getting married to the guy without having met him

    before, spoken to him or his family. You just got to know him online, further steps that have to be taken

    don't differ from a normal Muslim marriage. Consent of the father, long and detailed conversations

    face to face, not online, so that you can't even deduce if he's lying or saying the truth. Believe me, 90

    per cent of our language is body language. On the Web, there aren't any barriers and so people become

    more courageous because they don't see the reaction of the opposite side.

    Meet him, meet his parents, let him meet yours, marriage is an open and public occasion, not a hidden

    event we hide from our families. Consider the talks you had with him up to now as"not very decisive"

    and think about the further steps when you have finally met him. Inform your parents very gently and

    even if they shout at you or scream, explain to them it's an Islamic site and you didn't discuss anything

    haram, it was exclusively related to marriage. If they don't believe you, show them the conversations on

    your laptop. Let them"control" it. Even if you dislike it at first, it will establish mutual trust.

    It is, however, your freedom as an individual to talk to a man with

    the purpose of marriage. You didn't touch him, didn't flirt, didn't french-kiss, or whatsoever.

    I wish you good luck

    Jazakallah

  2. Dear Sister Assiya,

    I personally have had many guys who have "web proposed" to me, of which I was not looking for a spouse. One or two prompted me to find out more about these men. So, because of the distance, I called their local mosques. Sure enough, these men were not what they seemed. Everything and anything can be concealed online.

    Do not get your hopes up. Your destiny might be in the UK, but I would avoid internet because a lot of relationships are not halal that evolve from online meeting/dating. You should respect your father's beliefs, I also thought internet was an easier way to connect to other Muslims -- but everyone speaks what they think of themselves; Remember, tejessus or backbiting is allowed in terms of marriage so that you may be able to hear from other people about this person, their own experiences dealing with him. How can you do that online? No one, even then, will refer you to people who dislike them... they'll refer you their best facebook buddy.

    I have a friend who is also married from an internet hookup. She is from the UK, came to USA. She is very unhappy. They are both good people, but after three years and a child in their marriage, they realize both of them had chances within their community for a spouse.

    Right to education and personal advancement IS NOT selfish at all. A woman needs her education, her degree, and her work experience to be taken seriously in today's world and also to be respected by her husband. Several men may not a wife that works, but these days one spouse's wage is not enough. It is your Islam-given right to educational progression, do take advantage of it while you are still unmarried. Once you are married, it will be hard to return when you realize your mistake.

    Please, please, please. I cannot stress it more. Educate yourself and gain experience until you feel you can take care of yourself independently. Do not worry about finding a spouse, there will be people to propose, and if you are looking for one, let your mother of father know you are coming of age (if they do not realize it) so they may accompany you to community events where you can meet REAL Muslim men.

    Best,

    Anonymous

    • QUOTE [Some men may not want a wife that works, but these days one spouse's wage is not enough. It is your Islam-given right to educational progression, do take advantage of it while you are still unmarried. Once you are married, it will be hard to return when you realize your mistake.

      Please, please, please. I cannot stress it more. Educate yourself and gain experience until you feel you can take care of yourself independently.] UNQUOTE

      I just want to share a very personal opinion of me here. I am too afraid that people may find me uneducated or backdated, but I share it anyway.

      Although there is absolutely nothing wrong with women pursuing career, as long as she remains withing the limits of sharia, I will personally prefer that my woman will not work. Allah has clearly mentioned in the Quran that the role of men will be of bread-winning, and the role of women will be of homemaking.

      I personally believe that there are no super man or super woman in the world we live in. Every thing comes at a cost. When women pursue full time career, it comes at the cost of motherhood. If a lady comes to me and claim that she is a full time worker and at the same time full time mother, that is she is giving adequate and proper time to her children and meeting their psychological needs, I will not believe it.

      If you do not take honor from your God given role of motherhood, which in my view is the most toughest and most important job of the world, you will not find honor and fulfillment in any other role in this world.

      Regarding the financial issue, if you believe in something called 'baraka', your husband's earnings will meet all ends meet. If you do not believe in that, all the riches of the world will not meet your need.

      I also personally believe that people needs inspiration for everything. Man surely will fulfill the psychological needs of his wife, but believe it or not, most men love to spend for their wives. If feeds their masculinity. If a wife asks something from his wife, if a daughter asks something from her father, you will never know how much the husband, that father loves that. He would even move a mountain to fulfill his wife's or daughter's need.

      When the wife steps out to work, subconsciously or consciously compromises the masculinity of husband and the femininity of wife. It compromises motherhood and it compromises the emotional security of the children.

      OK, enough of this backwardness, and I have now lifting my shirt to gracefully receive bashing from from you and the likes 😉

      • Stranger, I don't think your opinion is uneducated or backward at all. You just have to find a wife who feels the same way as you, and actually there are plenty of women who do.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Salaams Stranger,

        Motherhood is the most challenging, rewarding and worthy job a woman can do and I look forward to being able kick off my working shoes and take it on inshAllah. But at the same time I do not believe it is wrong for a woman to do 'some hours' of work, if this does not compromise her home making duties. Khadija (ra) worked and financially supported her husband the Prophet (saw). Anyhow I believe as you said, the wife's main role is that home making and working is the exception. And the husband's main role is to earn and protect his family, the exception is he does some housework.

        Its just in todays messed up society and fight for so called equal rights, the norm (ie the God given roles) have become the exception and the exception have become the norm.

        Salaams,

        SisterZ
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • @ Stranger

          I dont find you uneducated or backdated at all, Ultimately, (in my opinion) every women wants a lovely husband & beautiful kids who she can look after.

          @ SisterZ

          It's always Nice to see people with successful careers or full time jobs, Who are willing to take a back seat as a working women when they get married or have kids, I have met a couple women Who love their jobs, buh have said once they marry, (or have kids) they gonna stop working, because they want to be able to give their child a good Islamic upbringing, I sincerely respect women like that, it just goes to show they wont compromise their religion for anything 😀

          x

          • Salaams SamIra,

            Alhumdulillah, I've done the work thing and so now could do with some pampering and putting my feet up a little and of course I'll swap the nasty uniform for a flowery apron, rolling pin and smelly nappies one day inshaAllah, lol haha. Although I would always love to work in the dawah field, paid or unpaid, single or married, its an obligation on us all :O).

            Anyhow, having said all that, utopia doesnt exist, so we say Alhumdulillah and make the most and best of what we have been gifted by Allah.

            Enough about moi :O)

            Salaams
            SisterZ
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Salams,

    everybody should have the right to express his or her own opinion. However, Islam encourages

    women to work( the prophet took females to battles in order to take care of the wounds of the warrriors),

    he even allowed one woman to defend him in the battle of Uhud, Umm Umara, also called Nusayba

    bint Kaab. When I criticize the traditional and male-dominated role in many countries, I often give

    those examples. As stated above, Sayidah Khadija worked and spent her money in God's way.

    However, there may be many women who enjoy motherhood and don't want to work, Islam gives

    them this freedom as well. But it wouldn't be right to say it's an exception that has become the norm,

    as Islam gives the female the freedom to define this norm for herself. We have many examples

    of women in Islamic history who had the role of politicians and intellectuals. Aisha mounted a camel

    and fought in the battle of Jamal. If the prophet wanted to restrict women's role to the home, he

    wouldn't have taken them to the battlefield. At least, that's my opinion. And I think, Stranger, that you

    described the generosity of the husband very beautifully. Insha allah everybody will learn from you.

    Jazakallah

  4. Jannah Asalaamualaykum,

    I agree with you. Women should not be restricted from working, its just that sometimes we see some women are so tired after returning from work that they can't give their children the rearing and husband's the attention that is needed. On the other hand I know that working some hours after marriage would help me keep a good routine in my life amongst other things. I guess we all (men and women inc) just need to strike that balance of mutual respect and understanding of our main roles, ie of motherhood/homemaking and breadwinning/protecting.

    I heard a talk by Zakir Naik the other day and really liked what he said :O). He said, he hadnt married his wife for her to cook for him; he had married her for her deen. He also said, that he tells his wife not to cook, but to use her time to go out and do dawah as there is more reward in that for both of them. So they get someone else to cook their meals and his wife cooks occassionally. He then burst the bubble and reminded us that not all men have the same way of thinking!! Lol.

    Anyhow, Salaams,

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • I see how sharing my view has stirred a debate here 😉

      I personally believe that anyone's freedom should not be taken away. If a girl want's to pursue a full time career, that is her choice and no one should force upon her something else. That is why I prefer men and women to be clear about gender roles before marriage. This is very important in my view. Because I have found many cases where women end up dong double work after marriage. They do all the work in the house and they also work outside, whereas their husbands do not help them at all in their household chores. I find it unjust. That is why a working woman should ask her prospective husband if he would be helping her with household chores. Soon after the excitement of marriage withers and reality strikes, the don't care attitude from husbands about household activities let resentment grow in the mind of wives,

      Of course my wife will be my soul mate, not my cook. But I will expect her to cook most of the times. Sometimes I will cook for her-once or twice a week may be :). Regarding Dr. Naik's arrangement, I think that works for him well. Such arrangement may not work well for other families. And to be honest, keeping a servant in the house, be it male or female, is a dangerous fitnah. I know many incidents where husbands enjoy illegal relationships with maids. I know this because in Qatar, there are maids in every Qatari house, as their ladies are too rich to move their hand and feet. I know what happens with maids inside their house.

      When the daughter of the Messenger of Allah asked his father to provide her with a servant, the Messenger of Allah denied the request, although the she really needed a servant. As long as the need is not extreme, I would strongly discourage to bring a maid or a servant in the house.

      • Stranger,

        I agree with you too :O)

        Its just a matter or finding someone who shares a mutual way of thinking and understanding, thats all. What works for some, will not work for others. Thats the beauty of Islam as within halaal boundaries we have a variety of options that can be adopted taking into account the different personailities of people. (Ps, I wouldnt want a maid (male or female) in my house either. Maybe a robot, haha lol)

        SisterZ
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Lol, @ Bursting the bubble, Thats so cute lol !!!!!!!!

          I personally would find immense pleasure cooking for my husband (or his family), Buh that's maybe because i love cooking or enjoy food, buh either way i wouldn't want a maid cooking for my family, as he/she wouldn't cook with the same love as a wife or a family member would 😀

          Though robot does sound kinda tempting Haha' =D

          x

  5. Salams ,

    Wow!! That's great. It's good to hear that in the 21st century, the Sunnah of our prophet is at least

    followed in the kitchen. What a great attitude!!!

    Jazakallah

  6. Dear Stranger,

    As far as I'm informed, Hazrate Fatima Zahra( the prophet's daughter) had several

    maids in her home, Fizza, a black woman from Ethiopia and after the prophet's death, Asma.

    In Islam, housemaids are allowed inside the home to help the wife. ( provided that the husband is never

    alone with her)

    Wasalam

  7. Actually, it should be taken for granted that the woman stays at home when she has children. .....

    The beauty about Islam is that we have so many options- from having a career without children to

    staying at home as good mothers and housewives. I believe Islam is not a monolithic bloc, but

    a diversity of beautiful lifestyles all in accordance with the Shariah. The prophet said himself: The

    woman's jihad is motherhood.

    Insha allah all women are going to experience this one day.

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