Abused as a child, abandoned by boyfriend, expecting my third child… I give up
Do not despair
Asalam alaikum all.
I have a long query please be patient and non judgemental, I don't think I can handle that at this moment.
I am a 25 year old Muslim woman. I have already had 2 kids in my little life time both due to abuse. First son was taken away by my parents at birth, understandably (maybe) i was only 13 and they had my best interest in heart.
However my luck I was subjected to another assault at 15, my parents abandoned me and did not believe me. I went through the courts and criminal proceedings all alone to prove my innocence to my family. Anyways it resulted in pregnancy and I had a daughter. She is 9years old mashAllah and still with me - I managed, besides all the adversity. People looking down on me etc etc.
After my daughters birth I met a guy and he showed me some love and interest and maybe maybe because I was so vulnerable and tired of fighting this world, I fell for this guy. He had a character of playboy and I somehow thought he will change some day but that was a wishful thinking. From 16 to 25 I have been with this guy, unfortunately we did everything, went too many step ahead too quickly. I literally grew up with him, he taught me things, he showed me light at the end of the tunnel. I am in my final year and graduating.. He has always pushed me to do better, be better. He has helped and cared for me - I cannot fault on that.
Since last 2 years he has been solely with me - no messing around and we were getting serious about our future however his parents have a great disliking to me (wealth/caste/status/because I have been living in UK? I don't know). He always said he ll be with me, he will try try try and now he has given up and still says He ll be there but can not get married because his parents don't accept it.
I never interfered in his family matters, I believed every word he said. We found out that I am expecting in August (we never used any protection and never conceived in 8 years of relationship) I asked him to marry me for the sake of the child he said he couldn't and that I shall abort. I waited for him but got nothing so I approached his parents. I told them and they clearly said he is a guy it doesn't matter to him/us you are a girl and you will be more affected so hence best advice for you is get an abortion.
Listening to this I had a nervous break down and was on verge of being sectioned because I could not see anything apart from him. I have a bad addiction to him, maybe that's the best way I can describe it. I have been with him for so long that leaving him means the end of my life...
However ending my life is maybe a solution to my problem but what about my daughter? I never gave her up because I was scared that the same thing might happen to her and that my responsibility was solely to protect her. I have tried and done my best to bring up my daughter - I live in a Asian populated area and this was not easy answering all those question and even my daughter having to answer them. And now 8years later I am back to square one and expecting a daughter again... How will I manage now?
This is clearly my wrong doing, my mistake to be involved with a guy, my mistake of believing a guy who hooked me along for so many years.. Sadly I still can not hate him. I still have a need for him, I am still stupidly hoping for miracles to happen.
He is into me as much as I am, he still is with me but I just don't think this is enough anymore. He has not got married all these years and has told his parents that he won't get married at all.Still claims he will be with me (without marriage), see me when he can and do whatever he can for the child however won't be able to marry me or live with me - because that means going against his parents wishes. I have tried to talk sense into him but he becomes defensive and leaves it on me to decide.. Decide - if I accept this relationship as it is and that there is no wedding. Sadly i m so besotted with this guy that my heart is even making me accept this option.
I do not and can not bring a child (daughter) up on my own,again! I am not being selfish I am just a very tired person. I have no idea what shall I do.. I want him in my life and he is around too but can not promise me a wedding.
I know abortion is wrong but Allah knows my position and maybe will forgive me. For my own sanity I have to take a decision.. I don't think it's right to bring a child into such relationship it's not only about me my izzat but the respect of my daughters too. I am now diabetic and conceived after 8 years.. I understand I m blessed but unfortunate. I think so much has happened in the last 25 years that I just can not cope...
Please say something to bring peace to my heart, show me a way forward, else I have given up..
Thank you for reading. Jazak Allah.
- muskanb
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Wa alaikum assalam Sister Muskan,
Sister, this is all very wrong--and your aakhirah is in jeopardy. We, as Muslims, have to love each other as we are one Ummah--so whatever I say to you comes from my love to you as a Muslim to a Muslim--and I do not want to see you suffer more or, Allah forbid, in the next life.
I am really sorry to hear about your child abuse that led to pregnancies. At that young age, the affects can be and in your case very damaging. Since you were abused, then your family didn't support you, you fell into the hands of another person who is using you, regardless of what he says to you. You should get counselling for what happened to you when you were a teenager.
The main reason you are in this situation is that you have put others above Allah swt. You have made the source of your relief a person, and not just the person, but a feeling you get from that person. shaitaan whispers away and makes you believe that this person will save you and be your hero because you are alone, but the truth is, Allah is the only source of relief and peace. Do not put anything or anyone above Allah swt. It is interesting that your boyfriend is worried about marrying you and making his parents angry, but isn't worried about making Allah swt angry with his actions--think about it. You say he has been there for you--but the one thing that you truly need, he won't do--so this is shaitaan's web of lies that both you and your boyfriend are trapped in.
You will be questioned by Allah on the Day of Judgement--so act accordingly--do not wait around for things to be suddenly better later...the later is NOW. You obviously can't carry on like this--and any thoughts that make you think that you can, are purely from shaitaan. Choose the straight path by telling your boyfriend that you will not continue this relationship and then in your heart, truly seek to only rely on Allah in this difficult time. You are right now addicted to the feeling of this person in your life, not him--and the addiction comes from listening to shaitaan's whispers--so you must stop those thoughts immediately and start dhikr especially when those thoughts bombard you. If he marries you, fine, but if not, you are on your own, but shouldn't stop from seeking financial help from him for the child you are having.
Do not abort this child--for whatever your reasons--and you said it isn't about izzat, but certainly it is about committing a serious sin. Sister, the baby is on its way, what's done is done. Start to iron out one thing at a time. For you, things had to become really bad before they will get better unfortunately. Your mistakes are yours, so own them, but doing the right thing starting now. For your sake, your daughter's sake and for the sake of your unborn child. Stop thinking you are weak and dependent on him--we are only ever dependent on Allah swt. But we weaken ourselves when we rely on humans -- and put them above Allah. No human will live forever or come to save us--the situation in your life is there for a reason. It is hiding in plain sight--your turmoil stems from you ignoring that Allah is the source of all your problems, but you keep seeking the solutions elsewhere. Imaan isn't saying you believe, but it is following up that belief with the actions to support it.
Until you don't understand WHY you are doing this, you will not be able to solve the problem. I think you are seeking comfort in a man because of the abuse and being abandoned by your father. Girls who have a very supportive and caring father usually do not suffer with abandonment issues and therefore do not fall for men who use them. If your boyfriend was the man you say he is, he wouldn't have ever touched you--but he did. And now he is okay with an abortion. Let him answer Allah---but don't do what he wants--do not put him above Allah.
1. Start to take care of yourself because you are pregnant. Part of taking care of yourself is spending your time remembering Allah and seeking help from him alone because remember:
Also, spend much of your time regretting what you have done with your boyfriend, promising that you wont' do it again, and making sincere tawbah.
2. Talk to a counsellor about your abuse.
3. Do not miss any prayers--this is especially important for you and your 9-year old daughter. You are teaching her what to do in the time of need. Right now, she is at high risk of repeating your mistakes with men.
4. Understand no man can fill the empty/void feeling inside of you--that gaping hole can only be filled with a strong connection with Allah swt.
I have said a lot and probably repeating myself, but sister, I worry for you and your daughter--please do the right thing. You don't need anyone, you need Allah. Once you do the right thing and take the right steps, the rest of your life will start to fall into the right place, inshaAllah.
I hope you are well and may Allah guide you, guide us all, and ease your difficulties. Ameen, thummah Ameen.
Masha Allah, sister Saba. I agree completely with every word. May Allah grant us all the highest level of Jannah, and guide us to the right path. Insha Allah.
Ameen, thummah Ameen.
Mashallah sister Saba , great advise.
Sister Muskand,
Strengthen your relationship with Allah, focus on your education and setting a good example for your girls.Dont let despair,and depression take over;surround your self with good people and be positive.Inshallah once you make tawba things will fall in to place. You have to beleive in Allah, and your self, forget about this man.You've already waited for 9 years, dont waste any more time sinking in more sins with this man.
I will keep you in my Duaa, best of luck to you
Sister Saba wrote out a very thought out response mashallah.
I will remember you in my duas sister. May Allah make things easy for you, your children, and you have happiness from now on in ur life. Ameen summa ameen. Plz stay strong, Allah is always with u. Humans come and go but you will always no there is He Allah that is there to listen to us and take care of us. May he help us all ameen.
Assalaamualaikam
Sister, I pray that Allah helps you recover from the hardships you have endured and helps you and your children find happiness and peace.
The first thing I would say is that the sexual abuse you experienced is in no way your fault, and the people who hurt you had absolutely no right to do so. If you haven't already, I would advise seeking counselling to help you heal from this, as such horrific experiences at an early age can affect people's lives long after the physical effects heal. If you have a psychologist or psychiatrist, it would be worth discussing the issues with them, as they will have specialist training and resources available to help you.
With regards your relationship with this man, it sounds as though he is not going to change any time soon, unfortunately. I think that sister Saba has given some very good advice about this, and I would encourage you to give it some serious thought.
While an unplanned pregnancy can feel terrifying, try to remember that this child is a blessing from Allah, and He is the best of planners. It may be that this pregnancy is the catalyst for you to change your life and become closer to Him, as well as bringing a new life into the world. You will not be alone in this; you have sisters in Islam around the world and in your area who will inshaAllah support and love you for the sake of Allah. Depending on what country you live in, there will be various support services available to help young mothers, and your GP or family doctor would be able to help you with these - eg. antenatal classes, health visitors, infant day care sessions...
It's important for you to take care of yourself and your children, so make sure you have your diabetes well managed, and a diabetic team available who can support you during pregnancy.
As my sister in Islam, I would urge you not to abort this child, as he or she is a blessing from Allah. I'm not a scholar, and have limited knowledge of this issue, so if you find yourself in a situation where the pregnancy is placing your own health at major risk (ie. if your doctors or pre-natal team are advising you to consider ending the pregnancy because of risk to your own life), it would be best to consult a reputable imam through your local masjid or community centre (or even through the hospital, as some hospitals have an Islamic "chaplaincy service") - they would be able to give you advice based on scholarly perspectives and experience.
I think it would be very helpful for you, your daughter and your unborn child, to strengthen your knowledge of Islam, and develop more connections with your local Islamic community. When people have experienced great hardship from an early age, their education in Islam and their interpretation of Islam can, through no fault of their own, become skewed, so it would be important to learn more about the true message and guidance of Islam... Maybe try to find a community centre with a study group for sisters, and children's classes?
May Allah ease your hardships, bring you and your daughter closer to Him and to your family in Islam, and grant health and strength to your unborn child.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Assalamualaikum
Dear sister, your writing style seems to suggest that you have some handle on things and you are smart enough to realize what is right and what is wrong.
Enough has been said about what you need to do in the long run. I will focus on some practical advise that should help your particular situation. It seems to me that you are capable of overcoming your difficulties unlike many others who are in a similar situation.
Everybody sins, some sin unknowingly others do it unknowingly. While some get the opportunity to repent while others never get the knowledge to even realize their sins. You are one of those who knows exactly that you have sinned. Take heart in the fact that Allah forgives the worst of sinners in a heartbeat. As long as you make up your mind to do the right thing you have nothing to worry about as Allah is going to be on your side Inshallah.
So here is my advice.
1. You can not abort your daughter. That is something you will regret later. So instead give her birth and give her up for adoption if you think you cannot mother her emotionally or physically. You may find courage later and realize that your fears were unfounded or you may find enough courage to face the challenges.
2. Because of your traumatic childhood, you probably yearn for support from family. Since your family didn't give you had hoped his family would. On the other hand, he fell into a sinful life with you and doesn't seem to have the courage to do the right thing. You cannot make others do the right thing except to pray for them. My advice may sound pretty radical but talk to him and lay out the following plan to him:
a) The both of you should get married Islamically. (That means he does not need to tell the government that you are his legal wife).
b) Tell him that you would be grateful if he can be there for you until you deliver and maybe are settled in and can stand on your feet.
c) Then it is upto him if he wants to divorce you. And you will not bug him for providing support for the daughter. (If he wants to do the right thing then he can do it on his own accord, you will not make him feel guilty about it).
d) He does not need to tell his parents.
e) If he wants to stay married with you and wants to take another wife then you will not stop him or complain to him.
You are in a situation where you have lost all the leverage. Its now upto him to do the right thing. You cannot force him to do it. So let him know that you won't interfere with his life as long as he helps you get on your feet.
In the meantime pray to Allah for forgiveness and maybe Allah will soften his heart and grant him courage. But don't keep your hopes up and plan for the worst that he will leave you once you are up on your feet.
May Allah ease your suffering and help you do the right thing.
Assalam alaikum Br.,
Out of curiosity, I wondered about part c) in your advice:
Though I agree with your advice for the most part, I wondered about the rationale for not expecting financial support for the baby. If a woman were to follow through with this, and then get divorced, still she would be legally entitled to this--or are you suggesting this so that the bf considers marrying her and remaining with her?
Assalamualaikum
Jazak Allah u Khairan for asking politely my rationale. I strongly believe that people in general do the right thing without the need to manipulate/force them into doing the right thing.
The sister is in a tough situation. If she puts too much pressure on him at this point he might not even agree to marriage. Shaitan is going to put the thoughts in his head that he will be forced to pay child support and all that even if he leaver her. This may in turn lead him to make the wrong decision of not even agreeing to get married unofficially.
However, my advice is such that I want it to be as easy as possible for him to make this decision. And I believe that once he spends time with her he will at least be willingly support her even if he leaves her. Making a big decision like this is hard especially people who don't have a strong connection with Allah. One good thing will Inshallah lead him to do the next right thing.
The sister can probably go through the legal route, and force him to pay child support but that has a big risk of him resenting the child and not accepting as his.
In my humble opinion if the sister can make it as easy as possible for him to get married to her without any conditions, then such scenario holds the best chance of success. That is the extent of my knowledge and Allah knows best.
JZK
As-salamu Alaykum,
Although I understand your rationale for the suggestions you made, I think it is unwise for a woman to absolve a man of financial responsibilities towards his child. This support is not really hers to waive as it is a right of the child herself. Even if she followed all the advice that you gave her, she could still tell him: Regardless of what you decide about marriage, I will be seeking financial support for the child. I'd prefer to keep the matter out of the courts and take care of the matter as amicably as possible, but financial support for the child is something I will not be able to compromise on.
I have to agree with you. If she puts it the way you stated then it is the better option.
sister, plz ask a knowledgeable person, whether or not u can even marry this guy, is it islamically allowed or not??? ... some links tht i found which may be of use to u... i think islamqa is good site, but Allaah knows best...
http://islamqa.info/en/649 ...
http://www.islam-qa.com/en/ref/85043
http://www.islam-qa.com/en/cat/444
May Allaah guide us all and help us
You've been with him nine years?! Wow. I think you really needed the guidance of a stable man in your life in your teenage years, and this guy was the one who provided that. He doesn't seem like the user guys common to this website. But...he doesn't really have any incentive to marry you. It's not like he has to worry about your parents or legitimizing the child. After all, one child is already out of wedlock.
From a purely practical unislamic sense, I would probably take plan b. having two kids out of wedlock wi two different men is most likely going to make a person very very unmarketable (horrible word, but I hope u understand) in the marriage market or even for a long term relationship. At 25, you don't want to be dramatically increasing the prospects of living life alone.
Right now, you need to act fast. Ask yourself:
Are u keeping the child or not
If yes, is he likely to stay in the picture? Don't be his side piece. Maybe you think it's better than nothing but be strong and stonefaced.
I would concentrate on becoming financially independent right now and losing weight. Be your best self so you aren't settling.
Assalam alaikum Brother,
The definition of sexual abuse:
This girl was abused as she reported in her post in her teenage years. Her abuse resulted in pregnancy. When children are abused, it leads to a variety of personality disorders and will often lead to self-esteem issues. This isn't a simple case. I doubt she would be in this case had her family supported her and been by her side. Also in the UK, her sexual consent wouldn't be regarded as consent at the age she was when she was initially abused. Abuse has real and negative affects on the psyche of a person and completely destroys one's self-worth. If a person has not been abused and has no formal educational background in the matter, I doubt highly that they would be able to comprehend the affects of sexual abuse.
Now correct me if I am wrong, but you just gave advice to a pregnant woman to "concentrate on...losing weight"? I don't think this is wise at all. How do you even know she is overweight? and how is that relevant to her issues that could severely affect her Aakhirah? Brother, I just didn't understand the logic in this, especially since she is pregnant. I just think we should be careful, because the sister seems very emotionally delicate at this time, understandably so.
Salam Sister,
forgot about the guy and find a pious man, who will accept you as you are....
Pray to God, that he will help you and so you can get out of this tricky situation.
AND NEVER THINK OF SUICIDE, don't give up your life, don't give up your daughter.
You will be hopefully find someone, which will help you out of this situation. Just pray to God...
These abuser will get their punishment in hereafter, they are just perverts which should be killed.
Thank you for all your time and replies. I pretty much knew what you all would say..
Honestly I am not an evil person. I do fear God but I can't seem to get away from this situation - this relationship. He gave up on me several weeks a go and I ended up being sectioned.. I have a very strong (wrong) attachment, sense of security with him. I know I m awfully wrong.. I m sorry.. Nothing but a disappointment. Is that why God put me through all that? Is that why HE gave me another daughter? (Sorry, being stupid)
I couldn't abort the baby - I made the appointment twice but just didn't have it in me. He (oh) says he is torn between his family and me. He is very caring now but still adamant that marriage won't happen because his family objects it completely and on the other hands feels that he is 'stuck' with me. I have given him all the choices in the world but his answer is the same.. He wants to be around/involved however and whenever possible. I, yes, am the problem - the culprit! I feel I just can't leave him, I don't want to change anything because I want to keep my sanity for the moment. This whole pregnancy has made me clingy towards him, latching on to him for dear life. He is no supernova, just another human so how did I get here? I m sorry I m not being arrogant My logical side of brain knows you all are right but I don't think anyone gets it :'( it's like when one has a death of a loved one and people say have sabar - that's easy said than done, only that person knows how it feels in that momentum.
I have had counselling, antidepressants etc etc but nothing worked. My pain, failure, worthlessness is very hard wired, I wonder sometimes How come I survived so much? Put any person through half as much they would have committed suicide long time a go. Why am I still here? Does it say I am co**y and hence I shall suffer more? I am not a best Muslim and do not claim to be. God Forgive me for saying - and asking.. As a child who had the duty to protect me? We established that I was innocent... Then why was I made special with those incidents? Why did no body protect me then? I remember I used to cry myself to sleep, cry to God to help me but no body rescued me..why me? I guess I will just crack now, I have had too much.. Have come too far (on this sinful path)..I m sorry for depressing you all, I didn't mean to bring you all down with me!
Please pray for my peace of mind.. Pray I get stronger and quit this relationship, one day.
He always said he ll be with me, he will try try try and now he has given up and still says He ll be there but can not get married because his parents don't accept it.............he is a playboy too.
Parents of your boyfriend are against him marrying you, but not against him having sex with you.
Sexual abuse seems to be common in many countries. You are not bad, unfortunately you got pregnant.. Many people try DATING when they are young. Your friend may still be a playboy. He is just using you. HOW OLD IS HE.
Don't give up. Use old fashioned online matirmonry services and find someone seriously looking for a wife.