Guilty by association?
Sexual abuse is a serious crime
Alslamu Aleikum my brothers and sisters.
First I would like to convey how much I appreciate this site. It has been a true guidance for me. Just reading about what others went through has been not a only a source of comfort, but it helped me learn more about myself as I give my own advice. May Allah bless you all for your heartfelt comments and efforts to help others.
I will try to make this short (I realize that everyone says that, but it doesn’t really work lol).
When I was younger I spent a huge part of my childhood with a very close family, due to an irrelevant reason. Now that I think about it, it was very enlightening as I learned so much about my home country, yet it was hard living without my immediate family. During my stay I struggled with just not feeling like I belonged, and just sadness without my family. Although, I was treated well for the most part.
I felt comfort at times, because the family had a son that was close to my age. He in a way felt my pain I think, because he was very nice. He was comforting, humorous, and in a way protective over me. Although we were very young, he seemed very mature- too mature for his age. He used to sit with the adults and could easily carry on conversations with them about anything they were talking about. This used to bother me as I found it obnoxious, but I also admired it in a way. His attitude towards me and the way he treated me- I guess wasn’t just him being nice. He used to say to me that when he gets older he wants to marry me, and I used to say the same thing back. Although we were so young and I don’t know where we got this from, but we literally made a promise to each other!!!!
Fast forward, and I was finally reunited with my family in the west, and all is well. After I came to the west, I’ve only spoken to him once and it was very brief, nothing serious. I went back to my homeland for a visit and we didn’t really talk, except he asked me once what I think is a good age to get married. I answered, but didn’t really think much of it. Now that I’m the perfect age for marriage, he has been in contact with a close family member, and is asking about my number to talk to me. My mother asked me and I told her no. I have pretty much been avoiding him, and trying not to face him or talk to him, because I don’t know what to say if he asks to marry me.
He’s a very good Muslim, good looking, very respectful, and social. Everyone in our family loves him and praises his personality and the way he treats people. He has had a hard life back home, but I actually appreciate that because I feel as though he’s better equipped to deal with obstacles. He wanted me before I came to the west. We all know how hard it is to find a spouse who isn’t lured by an address these days. So you might be wondering why I’m hesitant if he has all these good qualities. Well, when I stayed with them when I was younger, his father used to molest me. If I have hate, resentment, anger, and lack of forgiveness for anyone in the world it’s for that human being. To me, he’s the definition of evil. No one knows about this except my mother. I don’t wish to go in to any detail about that situation, as it just angers me. Please don’t suggest therapy, I’ve actually come to terms with what happened; however, I will forever feel robbed, and I will forever hate him.
My issue is not with him, it’s with his father obviously. He’s the man of my dreams, there’s not one flaw that I see in him, he’s just what I hoped for. However, how can I marry someone when he has such a human being for a father? I can’t even fathom thinking of him being my children’s grandfather. Sometimes I tell myself that the fact that we will be living in the west will ease some of that tension, because I wouldn’t see him. But I just keep coming back to the fact that I will be marrying someone who is the son of a very disgusting and perverted person. Other times, I feel so bad for judging him because of what his father did. I understand that in a way it’s not fair, and I feel very unjust in thinking this way, but I just can’t help it.
I should probably mention that there’s another proposal. I’ve spoken to the brother via phone and have texted a few times. He’s nice, and a good Muslim from what I have noticed and heard. I don’t know much about him yet, but I don’t see anything wrong about the brother. However, I keep thinking about the other guy, as I guess I feel comfort in him; maybe because I know him and I know his personality and his heart.
I’m praying istkhara and making duaa, but I’m just very confused as I feel like either way I’m losing. I hope you all can help me….He’s trying to call me, and I’m dreading it because I don’t know what to say.
If I say no, should I tell him why, as this will break the family and be devastating?
If I say yes, how can I cope with what I feel and know; and what if after I marry him, I just blurt out what his father did….Please help, what should I do?
Should I just forget about this and focus on the other brother?
I realize I will have to let someone down, what’s the best most gentle way to decline a proposal?
-gegi
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Assalam alaikum Sister,
The first thing I want to say is that you are not letting anyone down by ANY decision that you make--do not be apologetic about any of this. I am very sorry what you went through in your childhood and I understand completely how challenging it is to overcome such pain especially when memories haunt you. May Allah give you strength always to continue on, Ameen.
A few things come to mind--and I will share them without trying to retract too much because I think it is important for you to hear the raw message--If I am way off on this, I am sure that others will give better advice/suggestions, inn shaa Allah.
I sincerely feel you should tell the first brother about what his father did. You can share with him your dilemma and difficulty in why it is so hard for your to make a decision. Perhaps he already knows what his father has done because most likely you were not the only child he molested. The one thing I see wrong in this idea is that you can't be sure what reaction he will give and how that will make you feel. But if you don't think you can get past thoughts of marriage with him, this is the best way to get things in the open. No choice will be easy--either there will be a storm inside you or outside in front of everyone.
If you don't feel you can do that, then I don't think you should marry him because that will result in a permanent awkwardness after marriage and your husband may question why you act disrespectfully towards his father. So, in the chance you want to try to go ahead with the proposal, discuss what happened in the past, otherwise, get consider the other proposal and never look back--as painful as it will be. The pain of abuse never goes away--you only become accustomed to managing it.
I do feel, from your post, that there is a comfort and ease that you yearn and search for in the first boy and want to repossess that again by accepting his proposal. No doubt, there is a great comfort in familiarity and being always with the one with whom good memories were made with in childhood--but keep in mind, that you can recreate good memories and a good sense of comfort and familiarity with a spouse unknown to you (from before) completely.
What I am trying to say is that, whatever you choose, be happy and confident in it. Don't second-guess yourself. Don't look back except to remember a lesson--and be content--Allah chose you for a special test in your life.
Don't forget to keep within the Islamic guidelines when interacting with any man who comes with a proposal.
May Allah shower you with blessings and help you in ways beyond your knowledge, Ameen.
OP: his father used to molest me. ....... To me, he’s the definition of evil. No one knows about this except my mother
What does your mother think about this molestation? How is your mother's relationship with the man who molested you? It seems like your mom does not care much, since she asked you if you want to marry the son of the man who molested you.
You can't judge a person from how they acted when they were growing up. How old were you when you stayed with him?
Sister,
Can you help me to understand why you never told anyone? Was it out of fear? How is it that your mother knows about what happened but she never said anything to this family you stayed with? Why was this man not made accountable for how he hurt you? Does you mother understand that by staying silent about what happened is the worst thing that she could have ever done? Should you choose not to answer any of the questions I put forth, I respect your decision to do so. I by no means mean to belittle you or hurt you in any way.
I feel you and this brother were both robbed by his father. I cannot even begin to feel how torn you must be. The predicament you have been put in is just horrible. May Allah bless you and bless this young man. Make Istikhara for each of these proposals. It is quite possible that the Istikhara may help guide you in your decision forward.
Salam
Assalaamualaikam
You have my sympathies for what happened to you, and my respect for surviving and moving on from it. May Allah reward you for your efforts and faith.
When two people marry, it's important to think about the families that will be coming together, and whether you and your husband will be positively or negatively affected by their presence in your lives. Marrying this boy would mean that his father would be a long-term fixture in your life, and would have a role in the lives of your future children.
While you feel that the boy is of good character himself, would you be able to look at him without the memory of what his father did? If this is something that will come up in your mind and heart whenever you have a disagreement, then it might be fairer to marry someone who wouldn't prompt those thoughts to come to mind, and for him to marry someone who will not have to fight those thoughts? If you are sure this wouldn't be the case, though, it would be less of an issue.
When facing decisions of such magnitude, it can help to get other people's perspectives - as well as asking here, ask your mum what she thinks, and pray istikhara - read the section on this website if you need information about how to do this.
My personal feeling is that, if I were in your situation, I don't feel that I would be able to marry someone whose close relative had done such a thing, as I would struggle to not let it affect how I interacted with his family. That's just my feeling, though, and others may feel differently.
The other issue to consider is that, if the boy and any siblings are entering a stage in life where they are marrying and starting families, this will give his father more access to children. It is important to protect children from people who might abuse them, so if possible, it may be appropriate to inform the authorities in their area.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Salam Sister,
You have absolutely right to hate this guy and we muslim know clearly that this is an awful sin that this guy had committed. To be honest with you, it is very very hard for you to marry his son without any association with this man. Imagine he will be the grandfather of your children and Allah forbids that he may still carry on his molestation to younger children. This man is unsafe!!
As you mentioned that you do not want to go to see therapy, then you will unlikely to overcome this psychological barrier. There is no way you will feel comfortable to marry the son.
Apart from that, if I were you, I will definitely report him to the authority or at least to his family. Maybe write a letter addressing the issue of why you cannot accept his son's proposal. I dare you that you are not the only victim, and he has to stop and someone need to step up to unveil his animal face.
Sister, Islam does not tolerate this kind of abuse. It is so sickening and dangerous to the society. You ABSOLUTELY NO NEED to feel guilty of not choosing the son. I hope you and your mother should stop this monster's behavior.
For your marriage proposal, pray Istikhara, it may be the other guy or even someone in the future, inshallah.
Question: His father ruined your life once. Why do you let him ruin your life again?
As Saba says I think You should be honest with the boy and tell everything.
Then you decide what to do.
The thing is whether he marry you or not he will hate his father anyway.
So better thing is for him getting marry with you and stay away his father.
this is I can see from very long distance and restricted knowledge