Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Guilty for my past sins

lonely woman

Hello, I'm a convert muslimah and I'm married for two years. My husband knew that I wasn't a virgin before we get married. He knew I wasn't muslim, so he wasn't too strict with me in judging me about commiting zina. He told me it's okay as long as it happened in a romantic serious relationship. He also knew that a serious relationship wasn't always the case in my past, and that I had commited zina without having a relationship (may Allah forgive me for my sins).

The thing is that he doesn't know about all the times this happened, and many times he was asking me to tell him exactly how many partners I had. I am so ashamed, regret and repent from it every day, but I can't still reveal him the whole truth. I know that if I do tell him the truth, he will ask for a divorce and this breaks my heart.

I know that my sins are between me and Allah, but at the same time I feel guilty for constantly lying and telling him that I didn't have more partners. I'm in a huge dilemma, brothers and sisters, should I keep hiding my sins or tell him and let him decide? I know it would hurt him a lot now, but I want to see him happy in his life, it's better if he knows now than to find out from another person. On the other hand, while I shouldn't be selfish, I can't stand losing him from my life. I appreciate every opinion.

Maya


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8 Responses »

  1. Assalamo walikum sister.
    As Muslim we should know when a sister or brother convert to islam he or she is clean from sins. Allah says you are like reborn when you enter Islam from other religion and you loose all those sins. Your husband knew about your past and accepted you, so he should not taunt you for your past mistake. Your husband should not be curious about how many partners you were with. When Allah forgive his servant then your husband has no right to ask. So you don't need to explain to yourself to him. Its only matter if you cheat now. and if you do then he has all the right to ask but since that's not the case then do not worry. If he continues to bully you due ro your past then you need to make clear that what he is doing is HARAM. Plz be patience and make zakeer and isthekara. I know you love your husband and you don't want to disrespect him but this is clearly bullying and he should not be doing it. Let's other know about your husband's behavior who are close to you that are Muslims. So that they can make him understand.

    Hope Allah ease your confusion!

  2. Firstly it's great news that you have embraced Islam and lead an Islamic life. May Allah bless you and guide many others to Islam as well.

    On to the point about explaining your past. It it quite evident that you value your relation to your husband and that more importantly you are repentant for your past sins so there is absolutely no reason for him to keep asking you. Tell him once and for all, you don't want to talk about your past and that you want to focus on the present and the future with him. If he is stubborn about it, continue to deny him, after all what can he do? Force you? If he does, continue to avoid answering the questions and you should be so strong in this matter and Allah will help you.

    I always share stories on here because I think we can learn a lot from them. I have a friend, well we used to be friends, he married a girl who everyone thought would make a suitable wife for him. He found out the wedding night that his wife was not a virgin, it's unclear how he did, but quite clearly he pressured her and she caved. The following day a divorce was issued as he was hot tempered and they ended their marriage before they even consunmated it. Now that was 7 years ago, the sister married another man a year later and is still married to him with 2 children. My former friend has had 2 divorces since and no kids. The point is, if he had not gone into her history, if he not been so hasty and immature, a beautiful bride who had changed her ways was ready to make one good wife for him.

    Do not reveal your sins, not because of your husband, but because Allah has commanded us to conceal them, repent for them and not to indulge in them again.

    May Allah give you patience and may Allah give your Husband peace in this matter.

    • Salam John,

      Could you show me where Allah has commanded us to conceal our sins?

      • The obligation of concealing one’s sins is mentioned clearly by the Hadith of Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace).

        Abu Hurayra (Allah be pleased with him) reports that the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace be upon him) said, “All my Community will be excused except those who are blatant. And it is from blatancy for one to perform an act at night and to wake up and tell something that they did such-and-such, while Allah had concealed it for them.They slept under the cover of Allah, and they rended Allah’s covering from themselves in the morning.” [Bukhari and Muslim]

  3. Salam Maya,

    I would tell him that if he wants to know, you're willing to tell him. But that right now you two have rights over each other. Ask him if he found out that it was a 1000 men would he still be able to fulfill his rights to you? Also, there is some knowledge that is better not to know so show him this:

    http://legacy.quran.com/5/101-102
    ***
    O you who have believed, do not ask about things which, if they are shown to you, will distress you. But if you ask about them while the Qur'an is being revealed, they will be shown to you. Allah has pardoned that which is past; and Allah is Forgiving and Forbearing.

    A people asked such [questions] before you; then they became thereby disbelievers.
    ***

    If this knowledge leads to a divorce for you and for him ask him if this is what he really wants. And even if it does not then perhaps it may be a detriment to your marriage. Knowing that you were not a virgin is enough. Knowing which guy, which position, how many times will start to break his heart, especially if he was a virgin.

    • Dear M

      She already told him so many times, but he keeps asking in sneaky ways..
      its some sort of over jealousy on his part, and this is hard to satisfy by exposing her sins more and more. If she does she will only make things worse.

      Some more she will never be able to erase those jealousy images/ideas he will have based on her elaboration on the matter.

      Alhamdulillah after she became a muslim, her sins are not only erased, but Allah convert them to good deeds.. Surah 25:70 says "save him who repents, and believes, and does righteous work -- those, God will change their evil deeds into good deeds, for God is ever All-forgiving, All-compassionate"
      So why she go and sin by reveal what is between her and Allah

  4. Assalamualaikom sister Maya

    Congratulations sister Maya 🙂 May Allah strengthen you in Eiman and bless your family and husband
    .
    Regarding your question sister Nabila and John have pretty much said it all.

    A friend was in the process of marrying a good convert sister, and he asked this same question. she told him she wasn't a virgin, but after becoming muslim she never did any haram thing. The imam told her thats more than enough, she doesn't need to say a single word more than that regarding this question. Islam erases whatever happend in the past

    Look Maya... Your husband is obviously a jealous one.. but has NO right to ask you that sort of questions after you told him the general answer.. AND you have no right to expose the details of your sins in the past.
    Apart from being haram to disclose, it actually brings no good whatsoever, to the contrary it is very damaging for YOU and HIM and to your relationship.

    As John said, tell him i have told you before and I am not comfortable talking about this past agian.. tell him it hurts you and make you SAD .... if he cares for you he will stop ...

    Do not feel pressured to say anything more about it..
    NEVER listen to shytaan and tell him,
    none of you is responsible for what happend b4 you become a Muslim.

    It s not permissible for you to tell more. and not permissible for him to question more...
    and if you tell him (May Allah forbid) ... he will not stop at how many partners you slept with ....noo ...
    You will actually open his shaytaan appetite for more detailed questions ..(wanting to know who did what, for how long .. did he do this .. did he do that how was his xxx compared to mine etc .. etc all the stupid questions) .. and it will get worse with every answer you give.. and he will have no desire for you after that.

    Allah says .. do not follow the footsteps of shaytaan ...
    O you who have believed, do not follow the footsteps of Satan. And whoever follows the footsteps of Satan - indeed, he enjoins immorality and wrongdoing. And if not for the favor of Allah upon you and His mercy, not one of you would have been pure, ever, but Allah purifies whom He wills, and Allah is Hearing and Knowing.

    do not give in to this and also dont give it much attention.. respectfully deny anymore talk about this topic and ask him to stop reminding you of that period of time.

    May Allah bless you and your husband

  5. Sister Salam. .Sins in the past are pat. .Only Allah forgives..it is not his buisness to ask about details past extra..Islam prohibits this foolishNess ...For shaitan finds ways to play with humanbeing leading to problems ....violence maybe...This religion is clean and pure and we should fear Allah to the best we can be...
    It said an idle man's brain is a devils workshop. IF THIS PERSON WAS MATURE AND PRACTISING CORRECTLY THESE ISSUES WOULD NOT BOTHER HIM BECAUSE HE FEARS ALLAH AND LOVES YOU BECAUSE WHO YOU ARE.....HE NEEDS TO GROW UP....AND BE A MAN...BY THE WAY I'M ALSO A REVERT MAN GOT MARRIED TO A SUNNI WOMEN SCHOLOR FROM U.K. WE BEEN MARRIED FOR 13 YEARS ..2 KIDS BOTH GIRLS....THEY TOP SWIMMERS ...1 IS A GYMNAST THE OTHER BLK BELT IN TAEWONDO .AND HIGH ACADEMICS IN SCHOOL..ALHAMD! THE POINT I'M MAKING IS ISLAM TEACHES TO BE TRUE HONEST AND BE THE BEST YOU CAN BE.NEVER GIVE UP.WHEN PERSON LIVES A HALAL LIFE. AND OBEYS THE COMMANDMENTS OF ALLAH THROUGH THE TEACHINGS OF THE HOLY PROPHET MUHAMMAD. .HIS/HER LIFE BECOMES BLESSED IN EVERYWAY.....DON'T FEEL IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD YOU HAVE CHOICES IN LIFE AND WOMEN HAVE A VERY HIGH POSITION IN RIGHTS ...JUST ASK A SUNNI SCHOLOR....I BELIEVE YOU WILL GO ALONG WAYS THROUGH EXPERIENCE AND SOUND HEART.....MY ADVICE TO YOU MASTER SALAH IT'S PREREQUISITE'S LEARN TO READ QURAN MIN. MORNING AND EVENING THIS WILL PROTECT YOU FROM EVIL AND KEEP YOU IN LINE. ...ATTACH TO A WOMEN'S CHAPTER AT SUNN MOSQUE WERE YOU CAN LEARN AND MEET AND HELP COMMUNITY FUNCTIONS..THE PROPHET IN SHORT THERE TWO THINGS THAT WILL LEAD PERSON TO PARADISE...ONE REMAIN SILENT IF YOU ARE GOING TO TALK..TALK ONLY GOOD! PROTECT YOUR PRIVATE PARTS.

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