Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I have had haraam relations with my boyfriend, how do I repent and make my parents agree to marry us?

woman praying blue mosque turkey %photoAsalam-alikum

I love a guy who is very good we are together for about 3 yrs mashallah and deeply in love. But we have done a sin, we did not engage in sexual intercourse but everything except that, hope you understood.

Now we both want to repent. Things just happen and we actually cant figure it out. I really want to repent so do my bf and also that we dont want to do that again.

How should we control not to engage in such act?

How should I repent?

How or what should I read or pray to make my parents agreee for our marraige?

Please help me waiting anxiously for your reply

- Neha


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13 Responses »

  1. Salam,

    you should not say mashallah to something haram. you should say 3 years of relationship may Allah forgive us. and inshallah God will forgive you both.

    To prevent to do wrong things with him, stay away with him, so shaytan cant come and convince u to do it again,

    for the prayers of Tawbah, im sure some other readers here can better advice u than me.

    all the best inshallah

  2. Dear Neha, Asalaamualaykum,

    Having a girlfriend boyfriend type of relationship is an extremely major sin in Islam! 'Things' - do not just happen. One bad deed leads to another and in your case this is what has happened. You planted a bad seed and let it grow and grow instead of repelling it at the first stage. A look, a glance, a sweet word, a tea, a coffee....'oh its just innocent fun'. That is not innocent fun, it is the beginning of a long line a sins leading to zina. Alhumdulillah you have realised this and want to turn back to Allah. You asked various questions, I have tried to answer them below:

    Q. How should we control not to engage in such acts again?

    1) Train yourself to think this - Next time you have an urge to go into a closed off area to commit your sin, remind yourself of this hadith stated by the Prophet(saw) regarding 'Ihsan':
    "[Ihsan is] to worship Allah as though you see Him, and if you cannot see Him, then indeed He sees you." (Al-Bukhari and Al-Muslim).

    Would you not feel embarrased on doing such a shameful disgusting deed when you know Allah is watching you? Well know full well that Allah is watching you and can see and hear your every sinful thought and sinful action. Allah warns us in Surah 43, Verse 80, "Or do they think that We hear not their secrets and their private counsels? Indeed (We do), and Our messengers are by them, to record".

    ***So you are being watched by Allah and His Angels too. Will you still continue not stop out of shame?

    2) Warn yourself again and again that anything that leads to a sin is a sin itself, looking, flirting, sweet talking, touching, hugging, intimacy - all of it will lead to grief and destruction:
    Allah says : "And come not near to the unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a Fâhishah [i.e. anything that transgresses its limits (a great sin)], and an evil way (that leads one to Hell unless Allah forgives him)." [17:32].

    Some scholars say that the 'other' haraam physical/intimacies of the relationship are in fact classified as 'zina'. In a hadeeth narrated by al-Bukhaari and Muslim from Abu Hurayrah (ra) from the Prophet (saw) who said: “Allaah has decreed for the son of Adam his share of zina which will inevitably catch up with him. The zina of the eye is looking and the zina of the tongue is speaking. The heart wishes and longs and the private part confirms that or denies it.”

    Narrated by Muslim: “The zina of the eyes is looking, the zina of the ears is listening, the zina of the tongue is speaking, the zina of the hand is touching, and the zina of the foot is walking. The heart wishes and longs and the private part confirms that or denies it.”

    Ibn Battaal (ra) said: "Looking and speaking are called zina because they invite one to true zina. Hence he said: “the private part confirms that or denies it.”.

    ***Every sinful move you make towards satisfying your lusts, will be highly punishable, will you still not stop out of fear?

    3) Protect and control your nafs, with advice from the Quran and Sunnah:

    - "Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and to protect their private parts. That is purer for them. Verily Allah is All-Aware of what they do. And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and protect their private parts..." [24:30-31]

    - The Prophet (saw) said, "do not let a second look follow the first. The first look is allowed to you but not the second." [Ahmad, Abu Dawood, at-Tirmidhi]. What this means is that the first look is by accident. If this happens then do not take a second look. Prophet Muhammad (saw) also said that the eyes also commit adultery by looking at someone with lust. [Bukhari]

    *** So lower your gaze, as not doing so will lead to the bigger evil.

    - Do not make your voices seductive or sweet in front of non-Mahrams. This is done by lowering the voice and not flirting. As Allah tells the wives of Prophet Muhammad (saw) "...do not be too pleasant of speech, lest one in whose heart there is a disease should feel desire for you..." [33:32]

    *** So do not speak softly with this man - doing so is one evil that will lead to the bigger evil.

    - The Prophet (saw) forbade men and women from being alone together. He said: "Never is a man alone with a woman except that Satan is the third party with them."

    *** So do not be alone with this man - doing so is one evil that will lead to the bigger evil.

    - Have faith in Allah that He will help you: This is one of the most important points, but I purposely left it till the end as I wanted to remind you that The prophet(saw) said 'tie your camel first then put your trust in Allah'. Meaning,take the advice Allah has given you through the Quran and Sunnah, make the practical effort, then have faith that Allah will help you through.

    *** So make your effort, then leave your trust in Allah.

    Your lust is a bad desire of your nafs. So imagine your nafs to be a wild horse that needs to be tamed. It will be extremely painful as those who have ever tried to tame a wild horse will know. If they were to give up due to the pain, the horse would overpower them, throw them off and most probably trample them to death. But if the horseman is perseverant despite the pain, he will eventually calm the horse and end up being in control.

    Its the same with your nafs. Trying to tame it will be extremely painful, because you will have to force yourself to resist the desires of your soul that you are so used to giving in to. But giving in to your lusts will darken and kill your soul. So its time to tame your nafs. Everytime you have an urge to go back to sinning, force yourself to stop. Remind yourself of that Allah is watching you!!! InshaAllah, it will eventually become easier until a time when your nafs will no longer desire to fulfil its lust in a haraam manner. It will rather desire purity and eemaan. So come on girl, 'no pain, no gain'!

    Q. How should I repent?

    Click on the following for some excellent advice on seeking Allah's forgiveness:
    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/tawbah-in-islam/

    Q: How or what should I read or pray to make my parents agree for our marriage?

    First of all strengthen your relationship with Allah. Purify your relationship with this man. Do all your obligatory acts of worship as stated in the Quran and Sunnah.

    Make dua to Allah that he grants you with a spouse who will be good for your deen and hereafter.
    See the following link on making dua: http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/dua-in-islam/

    If you believe this man to be good for your deen and hereafter, present your case your parents in a good manner. Remember, Allah is The Greatest of all planners and remember that you may or may not end up marrying this guy. Just try your best by following Allah's laws and guidance and then accept whatever He gives you.

    I do not want you to walk away from reading this feeling depressed. Instead I want you to read this and use it as practical advice to help yourself. Know that Allah will forgive you if your sincerely repent: On the authority of Anas, who said: I heard the messenger of Allah say:

    "Allah the Almighty has said: “O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great as its.”

    Best Wishes,

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Shamefully I forgot one very very important point, may Allah forgive me. That is:

      Along side everything, keep asking Allah(swt) to purify your intentions and actions and make lots and lots of dua that He(swt) gives you sabr and eemaan to stay away from this sin.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. SisterZ, you should really turn this into a permanent article on avoiding sinful relationships.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. I agree, it was an excellent analysis. Mashallah, you're writing the best comments

  5. Asalam-alikum,

    my dear friend everyone judged you saying how sinful it was but something eeryone forgot, That you said you've been in love and have been together for 3 years. If both of you repent and want to get married it also shows that you guys got carried away but do love each other and if he wants to marry you it shows that he is sincere.

    Do ask allah to forgive you. i'm sure he will. No one is perfect and belive me i'm sure everyone of us made errors or mistakes in their life at one point or the other.

    Tell him to send his parents to your place and ask for your hand. If you feel your family dont like this match then tell your mum that u loved each other and that you have crossed some limits that is why both of you have decided to get married.

    The solution was simple as this. Doing prayers and asking allah to forgive you i'm sure you already did the moment you realised your sin.
    Being a girl myself I can understand you. You can do as much prayers as you want but if you feel that you must marry him then either tell him to tell his parents that he loves a girl and you both want to marry or you may tell your mum that u love someone and want to marry him. if your parents objects then tell your mum that you sinned.

    Hope it helps you.

  6. Sister everyone will advice u of what the book says and the messenger(PBUH) yes they are right but if you guys really love each other then for your own future stay away from these acts and if you think you both have a future then do not wait or be scared to tell out to your parents i mean explain them we love each other and are happy toghter if they are going to say no that will not help the situation u are there daughter and by telling them they will be guilty that they did not know and would react in anger but in time would realize that the guy is perfect for you i hope the best for you both and make sure all you do is done within islamic limitaions

  7. Asalamu alaikum sister. Allah is Most Gracious and Merciful to our heart's intentions. None comes near the Greatness and Grace of Allah's Judgment. No people or thing could ever give Mercy and Grace like Allah. The best peace (comfort) is only with Allah. Allah is the Greatest Truth. Only Allah (Most Gracious, Wise) calls us to account for our intentions. Showing good actions, words, and deeds is always more challenging. Allah was so Right in Quran when He said: you (me/we) will be tested. This life (physical reality/ego/flesh) is full of so much desire, temptation, and deception. http://forums.islamicawakening.com/f30/lust-first-sight-36780/.

    Lust at first sight is such a challenging test of chastity. In virtue we are so tested. Most challenging tests of chastity. faith. justice. patience. I'm still trying to repent from lust. Everyday is another challenge/test of faith. May Allah Help us discipline the nafs. May Allah Help us sincerely repent before death. May Allah Purify our intentions. May Allah (G-d) Forgive and Save us from our sins. May Allah Help us keep up/make up our prayers, complete our fasts, and Islamic duties. Two rakahs of salatul Tawba. Oh Allah Please Help. Oh Allah I'm so sorry. :*(. <3. May Allah have Mercy.

  8. Get married. Nikkah is the solution..... Simple.... :-) May Allah forgive your past and gift a bright future to both of you... Ameen.

  9. assalaamwalaykum brothers and sisters,
    i seem lost in this discussion. i mean that i don't know
    every time i read quran and or try to repent lust, it comes back no matter how hard i try....
    i live in an environment where lust functions more than anything and the only way to avoid it is to change schools, runaway coz my mum is so rude and not have anything to do with the tv. i feel guilty all the time, whether its for lying, hiding, or not being obediant to god.
    all my friends, and classmates ever really talk about is intercourse or realtionships with guys ,im sick of it! but don't know how to put a stop to it without getting embarresed, can anyone give advice?
    i know that i should probably tell them to stop but if i stop them they will laugh at me coz they really don't believe me being modest, coz i used to be all lust desperate until i realized that god will not be happy, so i stopped but what about the rest?

    Age:14
    Location:australia
    gender:female

    • Dear Saba, Walaykumsalaam,

      MaashaAllah you want to improve your character. Abu Dawud narrated, that the Prophet(sws) said, “I guarantee a home in the lower part of Paradise, for the one who gives up an argument, even if he was correct, and I guarantee a home in the middle of Jannah for the one who leaves lying, even in a joke. And I guarantee a home in the highest part of paradise, for one who perfects his character.”

      We are all living in times where we are are encouraged to chase and surrender to desires, temptations, and sexual feelings. It can be destructive. But it doesnt have to always be destructive because it can also push us to fight internally and spiritually and we can overcome the desires of the nafs - Allah has given us the ability to this.

      You are going through an age where naturally your hormones are playing around so some things will seem more tempting than maybe at other times in your life. So this is a vulnerable age, but also an age which can bring you alot of reward if you remain steadfast in Allah's Way. The fact that you are writing here and are so concerned about your character and your relationship with Allah is part of your internal jihaad, your internal struggle and this is pleasing to Allah(swt). Allah says, “Those who strive in Our way, We guide them to our paths.”

      But the answer my dear does not lay in running away or in becoming angry with your mother. What do you not like about home? Why do you want to run away? What does your mother do that make you feel she is rude? Try to break things down and deal with them logically. Do you pray? Does anyone in your home pray and are they close to their deen?

      With regards to school, I am sure there is alot of negative peer pressure. This cannot be easy to be around especially when you are trying to improve yourself. Don't focus on correcting the others in your class, focus on correcting yourself first - so when the others are talking about obscene things, don't contribute to the talks, just walk away without drawing attention to yourself by making an excuse. If they do laugh, ignore it. They will very soon get bored and move on to someone and something else. And more likely, they will come to respect you when they see that you are steadfast in your change of character.

      If you can change your company by sitting with pious or good people, then do so. If you can learn about your Deen of Islam, do this as knowledge is power and if you learn and train yourself to acquire the traits of the pious to develop good manners - you will gradually start disliking all that is bad and you will become drawn towards piety. Just as being around bad natured people will influence you negatively, being surrounding by good people will also influence you positively - so try to be with pious people.

      Remember though that we cannot change anyone else, nor can we control the way they react to things. We can only control our own reactions and behaviour. If you have made this committment to improve yourself, this is a good thing, but you will need patience for when others try to make it hard for you. Just keep reminding yourself that on the Day of Judgement, Allah(swt) will shade those who spent their youth in the worship of Him(swt), and on that Day, there will be no shade but Allah's shade.

      Make this dua as our beloved Rasul(sws) used to do so to seek refuge from bad character, as narrated by Tirmidhi, “Oh Allah, I seek refuge in you from despicable character, and desires, and actions, and illnesses (of the heart, tongue, soul, vision, and body).”

      May Allah guide us all towards piety and good character, aameen.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  10. plz help
    im in the hardest face of life
    i have in relationship with this guy from past two years.

    (Remainder of comment has been deleted. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

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