Do I *have* to live with my in-laws !?
Assalamu Alaikum,
In my culture (Indo-Pak) it's not culturally acceptable for a woman to live apart from her in-laws after marriage. It's REALLLLYYY not culturally acceptable - people talk, they claim "your daughter in law - she took your son away" etc etc in fact they turn life into a living misery.
The parents of my future husband are quite controlling from what I see - not the father so much, but his mother definitely is. I don't imagine she would want another woman "ruling the roost" per se. If I broached the topic wit my husband after marriage, he would undoubtedly be very upset, maybe even consider me selfish for requesting my own home. But I have personally seen homes being wrecked by supposedly nice in laws (same goes for daughter in laws! Don't get me wrong - it takes two to tango) but even our prophet s.a.w said the in laws are death.
I don't want my first steps into my marital home to be laced with, "she can't cook this the way I can" or "did her mother teach her nothing?" I want some independence, to be able to grow up and manage my own home the way I see fit, and if I should require advice, then I can ask.
I'm just wondering how I can broach the topic effectively without treading on anyone's feelings, but I really want my own space you know? It's not as if I'm going to steal their son from them, but considering my future husband is one of a few children, all younger than him, particularly two brother-in laws who are of marriageable age, I would have to be in hijab in the house all the time too.... plus I wouldn't be able to have my own life in any way. I would have to inform all members of the house where I am going, when I will be back, will I be doing the cooking and cleaning and ironing for every member of the family or not. That's the right of my husband isn't it? Not the whole family!
-MuslimahInTraining
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You have my sympathies with me, sister. I am from Pakistan too, and wonder if you have ever heard the saying in our culture "aurat hee aurat ki dushman hoti hai"? I wonder if this desi culture of ours will ever change! Women get their sons married but are unwilling to share them when they realize that their son has another woman other than the mother to love - they forget that they have a husband/were once new brides with dreams themselves and they should let the bride of the next generation have her new life start without any interference.
You should get a Nobel prize if you set about educating desi mother in laws that their hold on their newly married sons/wives is un-Islamic. Best compromise would be to have a portion of the home for the two of you, so you get best of both and no major ill feelings are created, but this most likely has to come from their side or a neutral person who can suggest it to them. All I can say is good luck!
All praises is for allah swt ,assalam oalykum wr wb .Indeed sister you are right especially in the subcontinent its a culture. Well its not necessary even to live with the parents of the groom according to islam. But its advised to live with he parents of the groom , but as u said if the groom has brothers who are at the age of marriage then this is a good ground for you to broach and ask to live separately with his parents not with brother in laws!!
You have to adopt a lenient and medium way to tackle this issue and the above stated point of your brother in laws who are the age of marriage is a good point for you to get seperated with them but again i advise you that u should live with his parents. so that the harmony is intact and no one will say that "you stole his son bla bla "
I wonder how this custom came about? A married women don't have her own freedom but will need to live and husband's family.
Who cares whether it's culturally acceptable? Don't raise the subject after you get married - it's too late then - but before. Make it a condition of your marriage that you and your husband have your own home. It could even be on the same street, but separate.
If people want to talk, let them talk. You don't have to have anyone in your life that you do not want in your life. Take control of your own surroundings and friendships.
I made a mistake 25 years ago, and some of the Egyptian community here in my city (who have long memories) remember it and do not trust me completely. That's fine. I don't associate with them. I don't visit them or go to their gatherings, and I don't need their friendship. I don't participate in the gossip mill. I have taken myself out of that loop and I couldn't care less if people talk. I have plenty of other good friends, mostly Muslim converts who tend not to judge people by what happened in the past (since they all have their own pasts), or people I have met in the last 15 years who judge me by who I am now.
In your case, you have not done anything wrong. All you want is your own home, which is perfectly normal and natural. Who would want to live in a home with brother-in-laws who might be lusting after you, where you have to wear hijab all day, and get orders from a woman who is not your mother? Ugh.
It's really your choice what you do with your life.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
salam sis,
i imagine what kind of dilemma u are in right now...i mean i am not Asian myself n i'm married to a Pakistani n i really i'm struggling day in n day out to understand this culture of yours n how everybody else in the world matters n what they're going to say or think ....MY GOD ur people should understand that once a son is married means he's got his own life n independence now from mommy n daddy n has his own little family to look after ......it's going to take decades before ur ppl change the way they think i'm sure
sister make sure u decide what u want before marriage n make it a condition n get the house before u get married....koz once the nikah is done...ur trapped for life....it's only gonna be excuses excuses n empty promises...and islamically no u don't have to live with the in-laws....u have the right to live with ur hubby n be happy .
gd luck.
Salaam sister,
Please don't make the same mistake I have, you have to lay the law down before you commit yourself because this will only lead to heartache like I am going through at the moment. You also have to make it clear to him that his family are his second priority to you and that he will support, care and standby you no matter what.
Nicola
That's now how this works, everyone has their equal rights the wife, father, brother etc. part of the mans responsibility is to balance this so everyone is treated fair. You can't make him agree that his family is second!
Amen sister
Salams. I was looking for a forum to ask the EXACT same question. Sigh. I feel really guilty at times to not want to live with my in laws but I cannot even begin to explain how claustrophobic it feels. Even though they are nice, they are SUPER controlling. I feel I am in military school all day long. If I spend some alone time I feel like I am being judged for being lazy or aloof. I NEVER ever feel at home 🙁 is this the case with all you joint-family people? My husband looks like a school boy to me. Always "yes dad no dad." we have zero privacy. We cannot go out for drives or eating because his parents do not allow eating out. However, these thins are not as pressing as the problem im facing from within. I feel terribly guilty for feeling like going FAR away from my in laws and living with my husband in my own little family. I can't type anymore. I'm bursting into tears.
Hi sister, I am in the same situation as you and have concluded a few things. Firstly, we ,as women have to train our brains to try and not care about what every one else thinks. I was like you at the beginning but then I realized that I was working myself up about stuff that I thought they thiught Now I dont care of that- they may think what they want to think but I know who I am and what I ned to do to be a whole person. I do housework the way I want to and I do what I need to do to remember who I am. I read, relax at home and go where i want to go. Remember that they dont need to know what you are doing and where you are going all the time. As concerns your time withyour husband, my in laws think as your inlwas but I realized that my husband isn't too fussed about stuff he takes me for drives when I want to go and then just faces the music when he gets back- the in laws were funny at the beginning but now they are used to our 'times' together. I guess people get used to stuff eventually. It might be an idea to go for lunch with hubby, without them knowing, it will give you time together Finally, remember that you cant please them all the tim- they need to please themselves. You need to think of yourself and make yourself happy - no one will do that for you- that refers to every human being. Hope I ve helped. xx
ditto! it's like my story. im in depression all the time n if I complain abt the kind of life that is being forced on me my husband starts ignoring me or gets rude. since I knw we me n my husband can never have a house of my own, out of despair iv actually started fantasizing a life where im on my own. I now feel that I will never be able to respect my husband or live a happy life with him even if his mother passes away 🙁 she's ruined it all n imagine it was a love marriage 🙁
Salam Sister.
I totally understand how you feel.
Please dont be discouraged, just remember why you fell in love with your husband. treat him well, have children, you will feel happier with them.
I know it is very difficult to live with the inlaws even if they are really nice. Its just the conflict of interests and the way to live and the our eagerness to have our own space. We would give anything to have that, but if there is no other way, than please dont ruin your relationship with your husband.
I hope everything works out for you.
*hugs*
same here. It was too much for me that I left my in laws place to go to my parents place. I had no peace and privacy there. My husband has not contacted me over 2 months. I went to file for a divorce and I am going through Counselling with him. I can't believe he can do this to me considering we have been in love since 2010.
Same story same old mother in law issues she is very controlling and demanding she thinks i'm a bad daughter in law because i need need to cook more and do more housework even though i have a small baby and i am just feeding him
Assalam alaikum,
Sorry for your troubles. Just remember, you are in this world to please Allah swt through guidance from the Quran and sunnah. People need to understand that women do not need to cook and clean for their husband or anyone else for that matter. There is absolutely nothing that says that says this is the woman's duty. If you're a stay-at-home parent, you need to come to an agreement on what you and him are willing to do for the family. Of course, these circumstances are not set in stone especially with a young baby in the picture. It's what you agree on and what you can handle at the moment. Honest and open communication is key!
I am in tears too and the reason to look up something like this was the same that I felt terribly claustrophobic.... that tears were falling like cascades... Oh my! What is a home where one is not at home! Every other day there is lump in my throat... Control freak MIL and biased FIL. Whatever I do with sincere devotion, turns dumb and fruitless... May be I am too sensitive but what can i do about it! Only I should wake up early... Only I should not be sitting in my room alone and sit with them while all the time my sis in laws keep to them in their room and sleep in till 11:00 am in the morning. Screw this culture screw in laws screw you my freaking MIL!!!!!
I can hear your frustration. Perhaps you can convince your husband to get a separate home for you and him.
P.S. Please keep your language clean on this forum.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam dear sisters,
Im Indian girl of 24 now and have been married to an Indian boy of 28 (now 30). I was married to him 1 year & 4 months from now (at the age of 22)... I never asked any query before marriage or imagined such behaviour from my in-laws and husband. To me, marriage is a legal contract in Islam to be with, support, serve, and obey your wedded spouse. There is nowhere written as a condition in the "Nikah-nama" that the girl/ bride must compulsarily live with the boy's parents or family members and do the duties for them. Still as Indian tradition and culture, this is always an oppressive point. Yet I had not raised my voice all this time. From the day I got into his family, all I got to hear from them was blames, taunts, no respect, torturous words, complains, a long list of intolerable rules from their ancestral tribes (which is actually followed by Hindus in India) which is to my knowlegde irrelevent to follow them! They see only bad in me & never miss a chance to point out my silly mistake..
My husband is also not ignorant of the things but does nothing about this. He is the puppet/ doll in their hands. He says he supports me, but cannot actually do so. He only tells me to keep quiet. Only injustice has been done to me all these days..
Earlier we had been living in same appartment with his brother-in-law & sister! I told him it was unacceptable according to Islam. He started to over react & stopped supporting me, though I was 100% correct in this sense. Later due to fights between my husband's sister & me (which was obviously expected) on the usual topics of house and eventually the topic of 'Mehram' then they left the house blaming me for separating them from their home & parents. She had even created drama by crying as if she was all innocent and Im wrong! There is nobody to stand by me! I cant tell anything to the father-in-law or the mother-in-law as well because they are also against me & hate me from their heart! They call me "Jahaanumi" because they think I separated their beloved daughter from them!
Now when Im pregnant and Im asking my husband to stay separately from any of my in-laws, he is not liking the idea! How to deal with this situation. Please suggest me..
I feel you sister and I believe that it is natural for women to wish for a house just for her family. If I have a son I literally would willingly get him and his wife a home , help them set it up because every woman needs space especially when you are newly weds. It is also a good opportunity for the newly wed woman to learn and set her home the way she likes. I feel that there is constant pressure implied , however it is not obvious buy I feel this subtle judgement being passed around and I feel obliged to go sit with my mil or talk to my sil because I know that I am humble but my sil is not. being the brother's of son's wife I feel like there is a lot of expectation. I want to be able to cook food for my husband just do things for him in a care free environment.
i have same problem please help me
aswk
meri shadi ko 9 saal huye hai abhi bacche nahi huye hai. may apne saas sasur ko lekar kafi pareshan rahti hu. (remainder of the question deleted by the Editor)
Rana,
Please login and submit your question separately in English, so that everyone can understand your situation better.
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
aswk
my husband insulte me in front of my lows family. after married he torched me physiacally and mentally he was after 2 3 weeks he slap me about nothing matter. my husband smoking 5 or 7 times in day. i told him befor this not good for health. he slaped me. he said who r u? say like that. one day he slaped me for his mother she enjoyed that time.she is handicapped even she didnt say my husband dont hit her. i will never talk to about his brother sister or mother father. only talk to health. i never talk lie im fraid abut allah ajab. even we are not planning to baby past 6 years . my lows family said dont live us alone husband always going low home after office time and sometimes he came after i slept 12 o clock 1 am .i m felling alone at home when i cry loudly nobody to hear me i really heart broken from husband .some problem in my home(not good) where i stayed with my husband please suggest me what to do
Sister - you have 2 choices- stay or go. My husband is good man MASHALLAH and he has seen many women suffer. His advice to you sister and all women is your situation is leave. You need to think about yourself and our beautiful religion gives us women so many rights. Your husband and in laws are not muslims if they treat you like this. A true muslim husband would treat his wife with love and respect. YOu are his wife and not a servant. YOu should find a women's group in your neighbourhood and tell them that you want to leave. You can also get the police involved if you need to. No life is worth living if it involves being treated so badly. It is good that All Subhanatallah hasn't given you children- their is always good in his doings. He knows that you should not lead your life unhappy- why should you?? If you have your familys support then go to them and if your husband wants you back then he need sto understand tha Quran and Hadith and how our prophet SWT was so loving to his wives. Remember that if you have your own place with your husband it will make no difference - he does not appear to be a muslim. Please contact me if you need any help or advice sister
I agree with sister Uzma. pls leave him. He doesnt deserve you. Why should you get beaten and treated unfairly. Just make sure you have a place to stay before you leave your husband.
Take care
The culture is too well set to be gone against i think. While we could churn out advices, the reality is as follows:
1) the husband may not be able to afford a separate house
2) The parents of the girl may themselves not support their daughter in moving out because they feel they are jeopardizing their relationship with the in laws
3) Even if this succeeds, how the in laws think and bicker and poison their son for the rest of his life and brand him a traitor would ruin the marriage anyway
4) Countries like Pakistan are ruled more by culture and not religion, so talking sense in to them through quoting hadees would never work
The best option would be to try and hope and pray to have your husband settled in a different country by finding him a job or advising and persuading him to. This is the easiest way out.
wow. Great answer from a man
🙂
Salams,
I've been reading your write ups. Unfortunately, my situation is the same as you guys. I live abroad now, but when i go back to pakistan, i go straight to my inlaws house, even if my husband isnt with me, i still with my inlaws, then i go visit my family after 2, 3 weeks. Then i come back to the inlaws. I get so frustrated by all this....i dont have to live with my inlaws when my husband isnt there...i dont know how important it is to care for ur father and mother in law. Where is it in the Quran or hadith that you have to take care of your mother and father in law. I did it only because it pleases my husband (which pleases Allah) but unfortunately, he doesnt appreciates that and just wants me to do more and more.
I have come to the conclusion that try to tackle these matters before marriage, which causes less problems than after marriage. Demand a separate accomodation for you and your husband.
Also, i am going to train my son better. I am going to tell him that he doesnt needs to keep his wife in the same house as me. I will ask him to live with his wife in a separate accomodation. And i will try to stay patient. I dont want someone else's daughter to come and take care of us. Allah made us healthy and we can do it ourselves.
I agree with zeynab nobody has to stay with there inlaws if they choose not too. For some reason there parents always come first, I always till my husband now that we have a son we should come 1st always, but thank Allah they live over sea or I wouldn't be able to handle what you guys handle.Sometimes father inlaws are better then mother inlaws they get jealous for no reasons who always want there sons to be with them. So sister I feel so bad for you, honestly I couldn't handle what you handle. Good luck insallah.
It's all cultural. Islam doesn't say to live with in-laws after marriage. It's tough, the girl doesn't have a life of her own, has to live under their house rules- cleaning, going out, cooking, being monitored. It's like you belong to them, and your parents are second.
Can the daughter in law refuse to visit her in laws islamically She lives about 20 mins away?
Ads, there is no Islamic obligation to visit your in-laws. It's really more of a matter of keeping peace in the family, making your husband happy, getting along, etc.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I totally agree with brother Wael, 100%!
Don't tell your husband that you want your own home AFTER marriage - because if he says no, then what are you going to do? You can only choose to stay in a miserable marriage, under your husband's mother's control or to get a divorce - not very ideal, is it? But if you tell your husband-to-be that you want your own home before you guys get married and he says no you can easily decline his proposal and feel free to accept another man who will grant you your own home. Urgh, why do people always wait until AFTER marriage to raise important issues with their partner? I don't get it! What's the point of finding out you're on the same page AFTER you're married? It's not like you can do much with severe differences when you're already hitched!
I also agree with the brother that it doesn't matter what is culturally acceptable and unacceptable. Especially when cultural traditions deprive people from their islamic rights - a woman, in Islam, HAS a right to her own home, so no culture in the world can take that right away and no woman should feel like she's asking too much or feel uncomfortable and concerned about asking for what she's islamically entitled to. Culture can be good, BUT Islam clearly exceeds culture!
About people gossiping - again, totally unislamic practice/behaviour and you should really stay as far away from it and the people who do it as possible. In my life, I've always tried my best not to gossip about anyone - unless it's to say positive and nice things about people - but I find that when you are part of a gossipy environment, it's easy to find yourself gossiping, too, like those in the environmet do. So...if you feel like people will gossip about you for requiring something that isn't islamically incorrect then (perhaps) you need to really think about what kind of people you're associating yourself with and how necessary it is to keep contact to them when they drag you in to haram (as gossiping is), not to mention that it's hurtful to be gossipped about. Obviously, genuine and caring friends would never do that to you, even if you did something wrong!
I also feel like it's not a very good sign that you already get a sense of how controling your mother-in-law is before you're even married. Imagine how much worse her control freakiness gets after marriage...I, persoanlly, would not ignore the vibes...
Dear Sister,
You are correct in all your needs and i do appreciate them and i have also been through this situation and still am in. I know its very important to have privacy for the wife. I would say that you should make this concern as the strongest point in getting a separate house only if :
1) you are very punctual and careful in observing hijab
2) you dont go to shopping places with uncovered head
3) you dont talk with uncovered head with the shopkeepers
4) you observe your prayers
5) you do complete hijab with your husband to be and dont talk with him even (i believe it is not permissible in islam)
These are some of the points that i think are enough for your self accountability. it is a common practice in our people to select the segment of islam which suites them the best and then start making decisions over them .. if you do not observe all the above things then in my view i think you do not stand in to argue on a separate home etc. You have to first lead by example that yes you observe hijab and that you stricly have tried always to avoid non-mehrams then you are at a point that you can even convince your husband (once married) that you a need a separate house as your whole life has passed in observing privacy as allowed by islam.
Dont take my comment as an offensive one.. i have been through such situation and i know how it goes .. old parents do need some sort of shelter.. any of the sons has to provide it ..
ALLAH knows best and knows all
I agree with you. We women like to pick certain parts of the Quran to follow and use it as an excuse to get what we want. Which is what all these mother in laws are doing. Everything that you said the daughter has to be, hijab prayer..... The mother in law should be too. If you are a mother and you force your son to live with you with his wife than okay you too should be setting the same example. YOU, THE MOTHER IN LAW, should be living with your in-laws or did for a majority of your life and also be a covered Muslim women who prays 5 times a day. Do not ask another newly married woman to give up her Islamic given rights unless you yourself have done every thing you are asking for. And Pakistani people are good people, but Pakistani people follow INDIAN HINDU culture and put this before Islam. It is actually HARRAM for a woman to live with her brother in laws UNLESS all families are extremely poor and no one can afford a small house or apartment of their own. It is HINDU people who do this not Muslims.
Assalam alaikum,
I agree with what you said here. It seems that a lot of brothers have been offended by this islamic advice of wanting a separate house. And it is as if a woman must follow everything 100% before she can justify demanding her islamic rights. Very deplorable considering we all are sinners and ignoring that we are on our own journey where judging is to be done by Allah and confiscating one right in lieu of not following a part of Islam sounds puzzling not to mention un shariah like(?)
However I would like to argue that Pakistani people have picked up from indian hindu culture. Surely there is a lot of hindu influence but not 100%. I wish Indian subcontinent Muslims wake up and smell the coffee that a lot of their culture stems from their own ego and love of the dunya and ignorance if Islam.
I'm a revert from a hindu family and I must tell you even in a place as remote as my village a culture like that of Muslims does NOT exist. In fact I would say that the hindu culture has evolved over time to become humane while the culture of Muslims have only evolved in the wrong direction and for me as a revert this the most depressing thing to witness. The amount of drama and exploitation is typical to only Muslims. Dowries are still taken like its a birthright which has actually even unheard of and considered a modern abomination in the hindu community today. And the obsession with a fair skin, a slim figure and a tall gait of a daughter in law who is also a doctor/engineer but stays at home and cooks just borders on insanity.
Definitely there are other factors involved like education and standard of living. I don't wish to paint a gloomy picture but a happy joint household is more uncommon in the Muslim community than the hindu community and as someone raised in a semi conservative hindu household it is a culture shock due to what happens around marriage.
So no it is not influence and I pray that Muslims take it in their hands to change what is bad about their culture and weed out all unislamic parts. And Allah knows best
I'm from northern
Iraq is the samething the mother inlaw always brain wash
The sons. And people from our culture talk gosspi you can
It u can't never be in peace. I guess that's everybody control is crazy.
Waaelukumsalam,
I read your issue and some of the responses to your email and almost all of them sympathized with you not going into the depth of the problem; commenting after reading what you said.
I am of a different view as you tried to shift all the blame to your in-laws whereas I see that fault is within you and especially your family. You tried to portray the picture very gloomy and prove that you are very innocent.
I have following comments and questions:
1. Do you live in Los Angelis and brought up? It seems that you are out of this culture and have not seen something like this culture before. And you are a celebrity of Hollywood who is highly liberal and have a glamorous lifestyle and suddenly you come to know that you are going to get married to Indo-Pak. You are giving an impression that it is something odd and you just came to know about this few days back.
2. Did you discuss this issue with your family?
Since you are so worried did you discuss this with your parents and family? This is very important and the biggest turning point of your life and there isn’t a word about your family role in this issue.
3. Is this your love marriage?
To me it seems that this is your love marriage and you are in a situation where because of your love you are unable to discuss this issue with your parents and family. If it is not you can discuss your concern with your parents and they can discuss this issue with your in-laws.
4. Why don’t you blame your parents?
If it’s the arrange marriage then your parents must be responsible for not considering your aspirations and future plans. And if it’s the case then it’s certain that you and your parents have a huge communication gap where they even don’t know what kind of married life their daughter wants to have in future? And if they know it why they have found a mismatch for you?
It’s highly confusing that you are shifting all the blame to others? If you don’t like such a life then you have to have the courage to do some efforts instead of pasting your problem on net and in return just get sympathies from the readers. If you have some guts stand what you like to have and I believe that you have complete right to have your own life. You just straight forwardly tell your parents that I like to have my freedom after marriage and want to be single throughout my life than to live with in-laws and communicate this to them. Its universal truth that no pain, no gain and if you are afraid of society and what others think and say then you shouldn’t complain about this.
Wow this is a horrible response.
Very horrible
Assalamou alaikoum wara7matou allahi wa barakatouhou
I am an Arab girl, and i must say, i find this odd, i'm a muslimah, and i live in an arab muslim country, and arab youth generally live alone with their wives, not only in my country but in most arab countries, it's very rare to find couples who live with their parents even after marriage, and even if they're poor, and more, today it is the parents themselves, who ask their sons to live alone with his wifes to avoid problems, plus, the PROPHET himself, salla ALLAH alayhi wa sallam, when he married Khadija radia ALLAH anha, did not live with his uncle or his grandfather, and even his daughter Fatima radia ALLAH anha, when she married Ali, radia ALLAH anh she did not live with his parents, all sahabas have lived with their wives in their own homes and not that of their parents, I sympathize with you, and I admit that it must be very difficult to deal with such culture, you need to change these habits that have nothing to do with true Islam.
Assalam alaikum Mariam,
Thank you for sharing--it was very refreshing to read this from a Muslim woman perspective that isn't from a culture that supports this tradition.
wa alaykoum Assalam Saba,
Thank you for your reply, it is a pleasure to share my opignon, after all we are all Muslims despite distances and cultures that separate us. Best regards
Asalamwalaykum brothers and sisters,
I must say, i have just sat here and read through almost every comment left. It is a slightly reassuring feeling to know that I'm not the only one having these thoughts and feelings. Ive never been one to make comments on a chatroom or whatever this is called these days lol but i stumbled accross this page.
I have recently got married, I live with my inlaws who from day to day are very nice people who are easy to get along with. There are a few teething issues that im not sure how to approach.
During the preparations for the wedding and wedding itself, its safe to say my parents and family were offended and hurt by some of the things said and actions on his side of the family. This is when peoples true colours began to show.
My husband works abroad and has now left me here but in sha allah i should be joining him. My issues lies with how i am supposed to be now and when we return.
I really do find myself sitting here wondering whether it was all a huge mistake that i rushed into but then i feel guilty and ungrateful to Allah because i have been blessed with a loving husband, roof over my head and food in my belly.
It really is a culture clash as im half pakistani and he is full...i get made to feel inadequate and feel constantly judged and suffocated.
Then i second guess myself and think im over reacting?!!
My main worry now which was not apparent before the wedding is the way in which his family (not him whatsoever) practices islam. It is very differevt to how ive been raised. I dont want to offend people or seem rude but theres certain things i refuse to take part in. How will our generation get out of this cultural war with islam! Some one has to spark a change otherwise i dread to think how our chidrens children will be influenced and raised.
Any advice or words of wisdom would be much appreciated,
JazakAllah xx
Assalam alaikum Ash,
Your words are true to the core.
If you have a loving husband and only have to live with your in-laws for a short while, I would suggest that you look forward to being alone with your husband! Do not let your in-laws get to you because it sounds like they are practicing the typical tactics to ensure that you know your 'place' in the family. Ignore their behavior and attitude and don't let it take a toll on you whatsoever. All the best to you...may Allah make it easy for you. Ameen.
Our culture is so very sad. I have only seen and learned from my parents (who left Pak 40 years ago) and thought every parent is like that. Well I was in for a big surprise. I honestly did my best to build a good relation with my father and mother in law. But our culture is so upsetting. I found my self after sending hubby off to work being called on my cell by m in law every day to make her breakfast and make her tea while she sat in the kitchen watching me. She did the same when I would cook dinner telling me what to do. Now I changed my attitude and she doesn't call me instead she waits for me to come serve her. But I have two small children who I tend to and it takes time so in the mean time she has to tend to her own self with anger on her face.
My father in law went everywhere with me and my husband and now finally after three and a half years of our marriage and two kids he often leaves us to go alone. But he has a weird tea carving and doesn't care if my kids are crying or if it's 2am or it's 6 am if he sees me he wants tea. Often I've pretended not to hear because I have my husband and children as first priorities.
Then I have a sister in law who comes over and wants to be served even at midnight. And if her parents tell her to do anything she says 'tell Sabah to do it'.
And when I spend more than half the day with my kids in my room after fulfilling my household responsibilities as a wife they complain 'I don't spend time with them'. So I told my husband their 'time spending' means 'make tea, cut up fruit, make this or do that'
I don't know what my in laws are God help them. When I am cooking and my children start to cry for whatever reason they will never budge to soothe the child. What makes me sad is that they are their grandkids not just my kids.
I can go on here forever because I've never discussed all this with my parents, brother, or sisters because I wanted to tackle the problem myself and Allhamdolillah with my husbands support I have been able to deal with everyone peacefully.
Asalamwalaykum sister! It sounds to me like you've had such a tough time! But wow your patience must be amazing to have dealt with that the way you have because I don't think I would be able to do it. For me; it's just the idea that this is now life day in day out. Our aspirations don't nessacaerily count anymore.
My other issue is slightly different yours with regards to the children. And it's so sad that they don't have that bond with your children but in Sha Allah as the children get older things may change as some older people forget what it's like to have young children in the house. I'm worried that my children will be taken over because everyone else knows better when it comes to raising them and I'm so scared that it will become an issue in the future which delays me in wanting to have children.
It's just so sad when you go through all these comments. But mAshAllah it sounds like your doing an amazing job and really are an inspiration.
I make dua for all involved that inshaAllah Allah makes it easier for those wih struggles with a new marriage, new home, new family etc. ameen
Oh i M aLso soo DepresseD because of My iNlawsss.. 🙁
1 oF tHe Biggest TeNsioN in My Life is My my motHer inLaw,sHe aLways waNt me to c NegativeLy,,nD have 3 yeaRs old daughter nD pregNant now a Dayss,,i dnt work mucH But i cant go soMewheRe i want to,,,nD cant Live lIfe Ma owN way nD my fatHer inLaw support His wife even shE is on wRong siDe,,,i can't Live wiD tHeM co tHey aLways Laugh at ma parenT nD auNties,,i dnt knw y..,,ma pareNts Have stroNg fiNanciaL positioN,,beautifuL faces thaN theM,,i dnt knw,,,every 1 c wat they want to....,,fiNally i took decisoN to Live seperaTeLy,,coz they in 4 yeaRs tHey didnt founD guD in meh cant FounD in futuRe Life
Asalamu walaykum sisters!
Its surprising even in this modern times our stupid culture makes us women go through this oppression by the in laws. I strongly believe that the ones who call themselves 'Muslims' dont know the first thing about it. I am not a perfect Muslim either but atleast I dont force or oppress anybody.
My story is no different than any of yours.
we had dated each other for 4 years and never had once he mentioned then that how controlling his parents were. He used would get out of the house and stay out with me watching a movie, eating out whenever (offcourse keeping limits and not after 10pm). If any issues to occur, he would man up and resolve it. I had so much respect for him and now I feel like he is a momma's boy and cant make his own decisoision.
His mother is the worst person and the the most bad mouthing person I have seen in my entire life. She behaved so bad eith my dad before the wedding insulting my dad and sgowing off about money and status. I should have known better that it'll only get worse.
She hates me going to work. She wont leave us alone and she alwyas tries to boss us around. She gets mad when we get out and she wont let me visit my parents ever. She is so disrespectful and she is very jealous of me. She comes to my room whenever and picks up my dresses without even my permission and is like 'from now on I will wear it cause I havent seen you wear it'. In addition, she forced me to give her all my gold jewelleries. she basically ruined my life. I feel like we have no life and my husband either just doesnt see it being wrong or he just doesnt want to admit it.
I am.at the point where we have now nothing in common and we argue all the time. I cry everyday...I dont know what to do. I just want to give up and get divorced. Any suggestions?
I am in the EXACT same boat as you. Except, we dated for 7 years before marrying. His parents were highly against the marriage and then eventually came around after him forcing it on them. We got married in one week! I gave up my dream wedding didn't even plan anything, didn't get my hair or makeup done, didn't have all my family involved it was his family's way the whole time. Before we got married, we dated and had been on the same page up until the wedding. He didn't let me discuss mehr with my family probably because his fam didn't want to give any. I ignored it since I'm not materialistic. He told me we wouldn't have to live with his family, now he says we have no option but to move from my current apartment to his family's basement which I absolutely said I Wasn't going to do since day 1. He says yeah I changed my mind and will do what I think is best for us. All he wants me to do is pay the money I pay in rent to his parent's for mortgage. His parent's act nice but they always feed him with petty things like he doesn't need to buy me a ring and his mother gave me her own ring saying just wear this. How is that fair? I finally said lets go on a honeymoon to europe like I dreamt since I don't get a wedding ceremony, and he is forcing me to goto UK. He calls me an idiot and degrades my looks saying I'm fat and not like other girls my age. I'm 25 and he calls me a buddhi (grandma). How degrading is this? To top it all off, he threatens me with divorce whenever he wants. What has happened? Why has he become this way! I'm crying everyday and he knows I'm miserable but he says if we don't move in my mom will die crying and it will be your fault. Is it my fault that he lied to me before marriage? Then he keeps pushing the idea of having a baby on me. I can't have a baby with a man like this who is planning to cage me in and force me to do what he wants. .He says that I force him to get angry and explode on him and that's his reasoning for threatening to leave me or hit me. This has gotten out of control. He is like a ticking time bomb. I can't divorce because my older sister already divorced and I have a younger sister who needs to get married too. At the same time, I am so unhappy it shows. He says he wishes he had a happy excited skinny smart wife (keep in mind we both have the same degrees and he makes it seem like he has more brain) NOT to mention he was failing and I helped him through. He forgot everything I did for him. He used to run away from his house because they all made his life hell. Now that same mom is the one he is leaving me for. I don't know what to do! Please help.
I guess the 7 years of dating didn't teach you much about him. You have got yourself into a pickle. You can either give in to his blackmail about his mother (keep in mind that no one dies of crying because their son won't live in their basement), or, stand your ground. At that point, he will have to make a decision -- you, or his mummy's happiness.
Asalam waleikum
Can someone plz tell me how long do I have to wait for my post to be published? Thankyou.
Assalaamualaikam
We publish all posts, inshaAllah, which means there is a wait between submission and publication, due to there being a queue of pending posts. At the moment, I would estimate the waiting time as being 3 weeks. However, if there is a deadline for which you need an answer, please put this information in the post title, and we'll do our best to get you some advice in time, inshaAllah.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Thankyou for your reply. I will wait no problem.
Assalaamualaikam Sisters!
I love you all and appreciate this particular struggle. I am not Indo-Pak, I am a Muslim revert alhumdililah and am currently living with my fiance's family who are in fact, Pakistani. I was living on my own when we got engaged and my fiance decided it would be best to move in with them to save money until we could get married and get on our own two feet. The problem is, they don't agree with our non-traditional thinking. We have been ready to be married for a year or so and they keep insisting we wait until they can pay for a big wedding and so that his older brother can get married first. We do not want a huge lavish wedding (that they dreamed up) nor is it Islamic to wait to get married OR wait for the older brother to get married, who is 30, complacent about marriage and doesn't even have a job. We try hard to respect their wishes but it's getting overwhelming and its quite unfair how we must suffer and prolong childbearing.
While we are waiting to get officially married, we live (of course separated) in the same house and listen to his parents talk about how much they have always done for him and basically indirectly telling him that he owes them. **Very typical of Pakistani culture, they do not allow him to be any sort of independent and baby him, causing his maturity to be greatly stifled by years (not his fault).**They talk about how its good to live with the whole family and all that and I'm thinking no, no, NO. This will not happen. We will care for them, provide them with what they need and visit them but we will NOT reside in their home. I hope inshallah this does not cause contention but it simply is not Islamic and will not happen. We are already monitored on the daily and treated like children. I feel the struggle ladies and we must not let them treat us like slaves or inferiors. Although we must do this will kindness love and patience. Luckily, mu fiance agrees with me and wants to move out at the first chance! Good luck sisters, peace and love to you all.
Asaalamalakoom
My problem is my sister in law,she lives with us at our parents house,and she is making me feel awkward she keeps staring at me,wen i look at her she looks away,its annoyin and i feel like beatin her up,thx for any solution..
SubhanAllah I came here to seek an advice on this very thing and the barrage of lives ruined by our joint family culture has really struck me.
I am in talks with someone about marriage and he is firm on the fact that he wants to live with his parents for a few reasons a)Because that's what he always wanted b)Because his parents have a dysfunctional relationship and he wants to be the safety valve.
While I am empathetic to b) and would have even agreed because the guy is really nice I have now been having second thoughts.
Especially after he told me about his mother and her personality is 9000 on a scale of bad to worse. The amount of unislamic culture embedded into their family really scares me (because I am a revert and we do have such dramas in our culture but not to such extent ) so I had a discussion and told him I want to live separately, next door even but separately.
I think this was a very reasonable demand considering it is islamic (where the debate should end because it is 100% correct if Islam recommends it). Secondly, his parents don't get along and his mother is NOT the loving kind. Even if she was, it is quite clear from this thread that living separately is better and a joint family requires LOT of work to work out from all parties involved (which I think is impossible in my case). Not to mention that his mother has not taken his planning to marry a revert kindly.
I think not only is it unfair and so unislamic to impose this joint family culture on a new bride but it is also immature to put your new marriage in a high pressure situation like that, that becomes a huge test to handle. I would really advice all women to weigh all pros and cons. Definitely not all in laws are bad but I have revert friends who are married into a dream family and yet even they say that living with in laws is a huge challenge. And the possibilities are quite clear from the thread above.
However I am here to say I am really relieved to know what my decision should be. I am still open to living with in laws but I am glad my reservations are not unfounded (even though I was made to feel they are or rather that they do not matter, I think this is itself a deal breaker)
Thank you to the editors of Islamic Answers for this helpful site. I pray that all who posts their problem here find solutions, that Allah has mercy on them, relieve them, give them strength and patience and reward and purify them for what they endured. Ameen
Assalamu alaikum wa rehmatullah wa barakatuh
Hi all,
I was talking to a guy for one year and we intended to get married. We recently broke it off because he wants to live with his parents and brother after marriage. During our first conversation, I made it clear to him that living with in laws was my deal breaker. He was okay and on board and stated he would like to move out with his wife as well. Now, a year later, he is saying his parents are going to retire and need help financially so he has to live with them. I suggested making different entrances and having portions so I can have the privacy I want and they can still be in the house. He said his parents would never agree. He said him and I can move into the basement. How ridiculous is that!? He will be paying the mortgage and WE go into the basement? I suggested moving his parents there and he said they would never agree to that. If I agreed to move into the house with them all, we would not even get the master bedroom. Him and I would have to make do in his small bedroom. What kind of life would that be?! He cried to me and said he loves me and wishes I would change his mind. Why does a female have to make all of the sacrifice's in life? In my defense, I told him from day one it was a deal breaker for me. He's the one who turned the tables on me recently and brought this up out of nowhere. So my question to everyone.. IS there a way he can help his parents financially and be there for them without us moving in with them?
He will never change after marriage. He will make false promises just to get married to you. Then your stuck. No matter what his parents will always be first and you will be his last priority. He doesn't know the dynamics and rights of marriage in Islam. You don't want to deal with old school desi mentality culture where there is no such thing as happiness but always about pleasing others...more like a oppression culture.
As Salam alaikum am white and Latina Muslim from America and my husband is Pakistan and I told him in the beginning I would not want to live with his family cause I already knew there was tension but he conceive me they nice and give a try so the first time they so nice and sweet and I always have love and care I treat them to shopping I bring nice expensive stuff from America so the next time I came they were starting to show there true colours I would get food poisoning a lot did not want to take me to doctor I would be sick with fever not care or bothered to check up on me they don't want to talk to me never think of me wen they go shopping even if it's a cheap gift they know I have food allergies still give me food I can't eat they won't let me cook they complain about me cleaning and before did not let me clean finally they do they treat me un fair they was poor at the time we had no privacy wen we first got married 3 time I came I had a semi room and now I have my Owen room but his brother new wife have my Owen room plus her Owen bathroom and her family got her furniture they did not say anything but wen my family want to have furniture For my room or if I want to make house improvement I have to argue about it and am always the bad persons cause I isolated myself cause am scared that even if am polite That hey might flip it or take it the wrong way or better yet ignore me and also isolated myself so is they say some ignorant stuff I won't snap at them and tell them how rude they are now they just ignore and it so sad cause it his family and he won't say or do nothing and tell me ignore but I have sacrificed a lot and I have everything ready for him wen he gets his visa but he has nothing for me out the 4 year and don't want me to get stuff for my self if am going to be a prisoner in my Owen room at least make me feel comfortable
You should ask yourself:
Is there any point in having married a man who does not have the balls to stand up for me? Will he never defend me if I have an argument with my in-laws and I am right or will he just step aside and leave me to struggle alone? Does he love me at all or am I just a convenient entitlement for a green card?
Asak,
I have been married for over an year and I had a love marriage. I live with my MIL, FIL and an unmarried BIL in their house. My husband works for a family business which he started himself. My in-laws are nice, but FIL is very controlling and MIL is bossy in kitchen. We are not allowed to dine out and go on vacations. But we do it without telling them. BIL ridicules my husband even on the idea of vacations; he says "fizool kharch" is haraam. But how vacations can be counted as "fizool kharch". We just want a break once in a year. Isn't that our right?
MIL just cooks one dish (sabzi or gravy dish) in a day 3-4 times a week and rest everything is left upon me. Cleaning, washing utensils and all other household chores are left upon me. I prepare 'rotis' every single day. When I have to cook the dish, then also I have to do everything. All that my MIL do is watching TV, gossiping on phone and sleeping. She becomes active in kitchen only when men are in home. The moment men leave for work, she exits from kitchen. She tries to do work in kitchen when my husband is around, pretending that she has been doing all the day.
I do get frustrated and when I get upset, my husband gets pissed off. I share my concerns with him and he gets biased towrads his mother and family, and makes me the culprit. He even uses filthy language. I have a love marriage and never thought my husband to behave this way. He has all the explainations and excuses for everything his mother does.
The most frustrating part is, MIL tries to show that she is more concerned for her son than me. She pampers him, kisses him on cheeks, chest, hands and back neck. I find this really embarrassing. After all he is an adult and no more a toddler of hers. I don't understand why she has to do it in front of me. She is quite jealous of me in terms of clothes and accessories that I have. She wants the same things that I wear/use. She even wears my clothes after altering the fitting. That is just so irritating. I even have to share my jewellery and cosmetics with her. Even my husband asks me to do so.
My husband remains happy with me as long as I'm behaving sweet, serving his family and cooking for everybody. The moment I speak up for myself, he blames me for becoming arrogant and selfish. He starts saying that I'm changing constantly and I'm gaining attitude. I really get disappointed from him. There is hardly any quality time that we spend together. He even goes to work on Sundays sometimes. I'm not allowed to go anywhere, for shopping or visit my friends. I can't even visit my family whenever I wish. My family lives in other city and I visit them once in 3-4 months, and I can't stay with for more than 15 days. The day I come back to my in laws house, everything is messed in the kitchen and entire house. As if they piled up everything for me in those 15 days. My MIL cooks during those days and doesn't clean up the kitchen. The kitchen gets super greasy and dirty when I come back. She doesn't even offer me water or food when I enter the house. I have to cook food for me and for everybody the very first day reach, no matter I had to through an all night journey to come back. I'm even cooking right from the first morning of my married life for every body. When I get pissed off over this, my husband doesn't support me and lashes out at me badly. I'm losing love for husband this way and don't feel like spending time with him and even talking with him. I feel like he married me for his family.
What should I do to sustain love in this marriage and to keep myself happy. I can't even demand a separate house because my husband is bound to live with his family and his family won't even allow us.
Another issue - I'm expected to have a baby in coming months. My in-laws are super orthodox, desi and have a nasty tone of speaking. I don't want my kid to talk or think like them. I'm afraid that I would hardly get any time with my kid because of their controlling and possessive nature. Right from what my baby should eat at different stages of age to what my baby should wear, everything will be decided by my in laws. Even if my baby will diaper or not, that is also an issue. Sounds old school? Every body in my in laws family is well educated.
Please help!
Anonymous, in my opinion you should insist that your husband get you a home - even a small, modest apartment - away from your in-laws. If you can afford it, rent one yourself. Over the long term, this unsupportive environment will ruin you and your marriage.
If you need further advice please register and submit your question as a separate post.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
This is a Hindu practice. Pakistan is supposed to be Islamic......living with your brother in law is wrong, prophet (saw) said brother in law is death. Interpret that as you want, twist it in your favor....it's still wrong. I don't think they believe in love and privacy, only having babies and doing housework. Your wife becomes a servant to everyone and than she is required to satisfy you.....with the inlaws there how can she look pretty for you, stupid!