Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Having gay thoughts for 10 years and don’t know how to stop?

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Assalam wa Alaikom,

I am a 21 year old Male Muslim and ever since I was 11 I have been having gay thoughts. The reason I got these gay thoughts was through my high school years as it was a same gender school.

Alhamdullilah, I have not done any gay actions with another male but I have this tremendous desire to do so.  For the past 10 years I have been masturbating on gay thoughts (usually these gay fantasies include people I know like my close friends although none of them are gay in anyway) as well with different gender thoughts (i.e. thoughts of being with a female) but I came to realize now that my gay thoughts are much stronger.

I have tried to stop twice by reading Quran, praying to Allah, to repent, thinking of having a beautiful woman in my life and to distract myself whenever I get these gay thoughts in my mind.

Unfortunately, for two times I was able to stop;  I would stop for a month and then I would go back on having these gay thoughts as eventually it gets to me. I fantasies of being gay with my friends that I can not stop, but the thing is that they are not gay in anyway, one of them (my best friend) is also helping me overcome this problem.

Would having sex with a women help me overcome this problem? I do not know how to stop I am afraid by the time I would get married (around 4 years) I would still have these attractions and unable to be with a women and end up never repenting. Please help me overcome this disease.

May Allah be with you

Thank you

Mohame3d


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28 Responses »

  1. How Come no one is helping this brother?

    When someone asked you the other day. " How many times can a husband have sex with his wife" and you Got 27 responses. Subhanallah!!!

    Brother Everyone in this Life gets a test and each person gets a different test. Don't let Satan"s whispers overcome your thoughts. Don't let him win. You are not an animal and you have control of your mind and your body. Even if God made us Weak; We still have free will to make the right Choice. Don't Ever think that you were born to be gay. Hang in there.

  2. assalamu alaikum drother,
    It must be hard dealing with such problems which has no real explanations. May Allah bless you and remove such thoughts from your head.
    Brother you r really young now and insha allah with age such thoughts will vanish. Alhamdulillah that even with 10 yrs of such thoughts you have remained straight. This shows you r strong! Maa sha allah! Please use this strength to stay normal. And whenever such things come in your head deviate your thoughts and close your mind. I mean totally stop thinking. Try and get married asap.

  3. Dear Brother,

    I am sorry that you are suffering from these feelings. Physical relations outside of marriage are completely haraam, so no you should not have relations with a woman just to try and fix this problem. I can see you are fighting your nafs and this is a very good thing maashaAllah. Please see the questions and answers below, inshaAllah they will help you.

    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/straight-muslim-man/
    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/anyway-i-can-die/
    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/leaving-homosexuality-top-priority/
    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/lost-depressed-lonely-homosexual
    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/my-brother-is-gay/
    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/from-a-gay-muslimah/

    May Allah(swt) purify your thoughts and replace your difficulties with blessings of eemaan.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. AA;

    I think it is common these days for boys to think about boys and girls to think about girls because growing up, that's all u see and deal with. As you grow up, you start to think about the other sex more which in your case you said you masturbate thinking of them, so I think you are growing out of it inshallah and heading in the right direction for a sexual relationship with a woman at soon.
    Couple of things:
    1) As the sister mentioned, life is all about tests and you have to work hard on it. Masturbation is wrong and you have to stop no matter you are thinking man or woman. Try to busy your self with other hobbies or activities with Mosque or community place.
    2) Don't just jump on the first women to see if that will cure you! To have sex with woman is not the answer. You have to get the thoughts out of your mind all together.
    3) To get married is not an over night thing, please prepare your self mentally, emotionally, and economically, and inshallah things will work out and you will find the woman to make you happy and fulfill your needs in a woman without thinking of a man.

    May ALLAH grant you help, wizdom, and patient and make you pass your struggles.

    AA.
    P.S.
    Sister "A Woman": Take it easy on us. He only posted the issue 2 days ago :)

  5. @ Just A Man

    Yes I should take it easy... But it really bothers me when someone asks stupid questions about sex and you get 27 responses? And when someone really seems to suffer No one responds quickly Unless is about Sex.

    :(

    @Mohamed3d

    Don't sleep with a woman before marriage. Its Wrong! you have to be responsible for your acts and don't watch any porn because that's how Satan plays with your head. Do know that there are STD's out there that not even Using protection I will save you and do Know that GOD is always watching. Don't ruin someone life! Like my Husband ruined mine forever. May God give me a Virgin Man Wearing white In heaven! Ameen
    Everyone gets a test in Life. Yours is to control your thoughts. Mine is to Control my thoughts so I will not kill my husband for giving me a STD that is going to kill me. So hang in there.

    • Relax sister. Mohamed's question was just posted. It will get more responses, as time goes by. Also we have answered questions similar to this one in the past, as SisterZ already pointed out. No one's question is stupid, and it's not a competition. Everyone deserves a good answer, Insha'Allah.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • @ A woman.
      Sorry to hear that sister. Whats your story if u do nto mind me asking?

      • Thats sad,sister 'A Woman'.

        Just remember that while he ruined your life in this world he made your aakhirah. Innalaaha Ma'as sawbireen. Certainly Allah Ta'aala is with the patient ones. In life there will always be people who will not fulfill you rights as it should be fulfilled. Has Nabi Muhammad (sawlallaahu alayhi wa sallam) not said: "اصبروا.. حتى تلقوني على الحوض..".
        “Have patience until you meet me at the haudh...”
        So have patience,sister.

    • Salam Alaikoum brother,

      I specifically read your post, because I have posted here before, but under a different user name, prior to this time, I posted due to my husbands violence towards me, and his behavior (specifically as a cheating man) When we married, he told me he was a virgin, so this will also address the sister that replied earlier, saying that she prays for a virgin man in white!, well thats exactly what I wanted and unfortunately you sometimes get what you pray for, and sometimes its not at all what you desire, or maybe need. My husband and I were married in Syria, 2008, we hired immigration attorneys to process the visa and by March 2009 he was in the states with me, I was so happy, it was so very short lived, actually. So before even a year had passed I found numerous infractions, where he had posted, and entered, and subscribed to homosexual websites. Not only homosexual websites but highly pornographic websites, and dating websites. He was chatting on a regular basis, but hiding it. When confronted with it, he played it off that it was just chatting, and it was nothing. It continued and never got any better. The abuse started, physical, emotional and psychological. He divorced me many times out of sheer anger, and would take me back into his custody over and over. I cant say that I was overall perfect thru the entire torture, but I never fell into cheating, or abuse towards him, I was constantly seeking help from the Islamic community. I never wanted to give up on him, on our marriage, I loved him, and I still care for him. More than anything I am mortally wounded, by the whole issue. I am so tragically confused, and hurt, and I think maybe in denial. Saying to myself how could someone knowingly do this to someone who accepted him in such totality. Sacrificed so many things to be with him, and to make him so very happy. He joined the US Army in October 2009, and by May 2010 he had his US Citizenship, now he has been deployed to Iraq, his home country, and he filed for divorce from me even before he has returned from his deployment (less than a year). He actually planned on divorcing me before he ever deployed, and that I found out after hiring someone to get the information from his computer. He has so many deceitful and treacherous things under his skin, that it makes me physically ill, to keep the thoughts in my head, unfortunately they keep replaying over and over and over. So I just wanted to reply to you, brother, I wish I could say something that would sooth your tensions, about this issue, but I don't know what it would be, but I will say, Satan, whispers to my husband all the time, and my husband listens, and he lets him get into his head, and he tried to corrupt me as well thru my husband, I almost gave into his tauntings, but I rejected him, after realizing that I cannot live for my husband, just to please him is not going to please Allah, so in the end, I have to think only of what feels right, what feels wrong, even if I get a waffling feeling about right and wrong, my only right move is to feel the feeling of doing something completely without doubt that it is right. I pray that you can rid yourself of these jinn, and demons, and I pray that you always think about pure thoughts. Alhamdulilah, you will succeed against Shaitan, the evil whisperer!

      Salams Jennah

  6. Asalaamu Alaykium Brother,

    Fast. Pray, Quraan. This is all i can advise.

  7. @ Just a Man

    You can Find my story in the Research Option. Type His Cold-heart is killing me. I am More sorry than you are. Arab Muslim men are the worst husbands on earth. I wish i can marry a convert from another race that accepts my STD

    • salaam

      'Arab Muslim men are the worst husbands on earth"

      please dont say that sister, you should know that in all people there's some good amongst them, and there will always be bad, the evil ones are always more than the guided ones, thats the Sunnah of Allaah.

      i know that we 'arabs at this moment in time have become almost like those israailites whom Allaah turned into khanaazeer&qirad, but this is what Allaah and his messenger have promised us

      the prophet[saww] told us that there will come a time when you ['arabs especially] will be the most pathetic/disgraced people.and you will stick to the tale of the cows, and you will be overwhelmed by the kuffaar and you will love this world and so on and so forth.

      so therefore, when we see this has happened in our times, they [believers in the qur'aan] say "this is what Allaah and messenger[s] have promised us, and indeed they spoke the truth"

      and they donot blame it on other people, nor leaders,

      and they donot say like the hypocrites Allaah and his messenger have deluded us etc.

      • Dont paint them all with the same brush. You get all kinds in all races. Our Beloved (sawlallaahu alayhi wa sallam) was an Arab,and was He (sawlallaahu alayhi wa sallam) not the best of people? Kun fid dunya ka'annaka ghareebun aw aabirus sabeel. Be in this world as if you are a stranger or a passerby. A STD could be the means of your Jannah. Allah Ta'aala has a greater plan in EVERYTHING. If we were not sick,when would we appreciate our health? If we were not sad,when would we appreciate our happiness? If we were not poor,when would we appreciate wealth? Sometimes Allah Ta'aala allows someone to be given something in order to bring them closer to Him. Allah Ta'aala knows that if we are not afflicted with some misfortune we might never remember Him. This world is a test - Allah Ta'aala says in Surah Mulk - Alladhi khallaqal mauta wal hayaata liyabluwakum ayyukum ahsanu amala. Allah Ta'aala created death and life so He (swt) may see which one of us are the best in actions. Our entire life is a test,so be steadfast in prayer and place your trust on Allah Ta'aala alone.

    • Assalaamualaykum in shaa allah u are ok? Where r u from sister?

  8. Salaam Brother Muhammad;

    please check out the following link;

    http://www.scribd.com/doc/63466375/A-Silent-Struggle-to-the-Straight-Path

    you can download it is as document, it contains a lot of advice and guidance, to show you a way out of this sickness.

    insha'allah it will be of benefit to you.

  9. Thank all for your replies, sorry it took me long to reply as I have not opened this page for a while thinking that it would take time for people to help me on test in this life. I again thank all for your help and pray that Allah will bless you all in this life and the next .

    May Allah be with you all
    Allah wa akbar

    Mohame3d

    • Hi Mohame3d

      I googled having gay thoughts etc as this is something that I have been dealing with all my life and I am now 30 and found your post. I have prayed all my life and these feelings have never changed nor will they change. We live in a physical word and nothing can change what is physically something that is part of you.

      You either need to accept the feelings and go on pretending they do not exist - get married etc. I come from a liberal society so tried having sex with a woman to 'fix' this 'problem' but after the few times I realised the girl was more interested than I (perhaps in your culture this is not permitted). I digress but all I can say is the feelings will never change and if you feel that sex is important in your life your desires will never be fully met however this is still a choice - we do not have to satisfy our desires.

      If you do feel your desires are top priority then I am afraid you are going to have to change your culture and religion because being gay is not any option as a Muslim. What I would not suggest is trying to do both at the same time this is dangerous and is how people land up with diseases and in dangerous situations because they only land doing stupid things like having sex with a woman to change their sexuality or sneak around with men behind their wives backs.

      Your feelings will never change this is something I have accepted so the only choice is how are you going to deal with them.

      Regards,
      Dale

    • Brother, i know your exact feelings. Unfortunately i have always given in. Started off with regret and guilt and then turned into something normal. Alham dulillah i feel the guilt again so its a struggle. When i say its a struggle, it is the most difficult thing i have faced. I can deal with stress and depression well but this urge is really powerful and you get to a point where now its not something in your head but now your bargaining with your concious mind. Astagh firullah i have gone down the wrong way but everyone really does see me as areligious person. When i came to terms with the thoughts i set myself some ridiculous rules such as keeping away from married men, age specific and sodomy. But let me tell you, once you turn your back on Allah then thats when the love for the dunya takes over your heart. I went out with 2 married guys, did everything i said i wouldnt but alham dulillah i somehow turned them to practice islam to the point it became my downfall and we broke up upon which months of depression occured. I found great solace in lectures in islam on youtube, to name some, yasmin mogahed, shiekh feiz mahmood were really good. Its a lot harder now because technology makes it so much easier to access the gay world, i got rid of all my apple products. What i can say is, dont give in, its a real emotion withdrawing pain that can pull you into depression. There is things you cant help, the thoughts are there, i see some beautiful men at the masjid and just everywhere but just lower your gaze. I dont look up at men or women and try to control my thoughts. I have written a blog on this but never had the heart to publish it, its just there as a draft, its pretty lengthy. But talking from someone who has been through what you have and beyond; my advice is to just control the thoughts. Alham dulillah even though i never really used protection mainly because it was married men so ii am very lucky. I will do dua for you today. Some people will not understand these feelings because they just cant think like that so its a hard concept but we live it, everyday.

      • Please make immense tawbah and ask Allah to give you strength to stay away from sodomoy, fornication and adultery. These are terrible and major sins.

        May Allah accept your repentance and make this difficulty easy for you. Please read our series on fornication and adultery: http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/the-sin-of-fornication-and-adultery/

        SisterZ
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Brother Muhammed,

        may Allah bring you to the right path. My heart goes to the married women whose husbands where involved with you. You have time to repent Allah is the most merciful.

        May Allah keep us in the right path and may He forgive our sins

        Reader

  10. Feez, why this hostility toward the Editors of this website? Frankly I'm more inclined to delete your comments because of the hostility than because of the content.

    There is absolutely no proof that homosexuality is genetic, and plenty of proof that it is behavioral.

    In the May/June 2008 issue of Psychology Today we have this: "No one has yet identified a particular gay gene....There is no all-inclusive explanation for the variation in sexual orientation, at least none supported by actual evidence....[T]here are many different mechanisms [involving both nature and nurture], not a single one, for producing homosexuality." (Robert Kunzig, "Finding the Switch," Psychology Today, May/June 2008, pp. 90 and 93.)

    It's true that in recent years research has shifted from behavior causes to biological causes. I suspect this is largely because it's no longer politically correct to assert behavioral causes to homosexuality. Homosexuality has become accepted and mainstreamed in Western society, therefore research must be created to support it.

    The dark, dirty secret that the homosexual lobby and community try to keep hidden is that homosexuality is frequently the result of childhood sexual abuse. In other words, a child may start out with a normal heterosexual orientation, but becomes disoriented and sexualized as a result of abuse, and then develops differently from that point on. This has been discussed in many psychology books.

    One study found that male victims of sexual abuse were seven times more likely to describe themselves as homosexuals later in life. (Ritch Savin-Williams, "Verbal and Physical Abuse as Stressors in the Lives of Lesbian, Gay Male and Bisexual Youths: Associations School Problems, Running Away, Substance Abuse, Prostitution and Suicide," Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, vol. 62, no. 2, 1994.)

    You may be right to a certain degree, in that, regardless of how an adult comes to possess homosexual feelings, those feelings may not be a choice. However, acting up on them is a choice. And it is forbidden in Islam, period.

    Oh, and there's one very simple, and very obvious proof that homosexuality is not genetic. The great majority of homosexuals do not have children, for obvious reasons. So if it were genetic then the genes would not get passed on, and homosexuality would disappear within a few generations.

    The fact that it does not disappear indicates that it is a result of childhood experience, upbringing, and environmental influences.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  11. AA;

    I agree with Wael. That is not the way to talk about a point or discuss an issue!

    I might agree that some people are born with deficiencies or "wiring" issues, but there are ways to deal with that. Even if born with both sexes genitals, there are ways to deal with that. But in this day and age, people switch teams cause they want attention, because they can, because they want to try something different, they even came up with a new word for those who have sex with same gender and other genders! People just want to come up with new stuff and the western societies are so open and accepting that it keeps on growing! Again just cause you can, does not mean you should!

    If what I said is right, it is from Allah. If I made a mistake, it is from me.

    May Allah shower us with his mercy, guide us all to his correct path.

    AA

  12. Feez

    The purpose of this website is to help people with their issues and answer their questions in light of Qur'an and Sunnah not long, pointless discussions. You are entitled to your own view but we are inundanted with questions here and this is our priority. Our policy is not to use time on discussions which could be time well spent on questions. If you wish to post on this website you must respect the rules here and our editors and readers. There are plenty of forums you can go on to debate this issue, please respect our policy, stop wasting our time and use one of these.

    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  13. Bro I have these thoughts it hit me 1week ago I'm not gay but my brain says I am this is OCD and satans doing read Quran be good inshallah Allah made us and if we don't pray all the time will get depressed & lend to wrong path.

  14. Marriage doesn't have to be all about sex, it can be for support in your life, if you were to find a muslimah in your life and marry her then just be honest about your feelings in private and see how she can help you in life, if you bottle them up and repress them then one they shaytan will whisper to a point where they will be unleashed with full force. 8O may Allah protect us from such an evil!

    If you simply understand the feelings and acknowledge them but acknowledge Allah's infinate wisdom and knowledge then realise that you actively intentionally choose not to act upon those feelings, there is no sin in the innate feelings and in fact evil thoughts bring about good deeds if not acted upon as well as the fact that you choosing to serve your creator means Allah will return an esteemed reward to you Insha Allah, :).

    Also keep in mind the horrible consequences of active homosexuality and sodomy, I think the most saddening one is that Allah will not look upon the sodomite, can you imagine being denied that? Allah knows best! :)

  15. sallam

    brother your brave to post on here. the reason i think your thoughts come back is becuase islam is a religion we must work hard on every day. you cant just stop beacuse you think your ok. for example most people with depression go on medicinaiton they see thier symptoms going away then they stop taking the meds and the symptoms come back.

    Islam is your cure, dont be to hard on yourself instead focus on how to set things right in your life! i would stop masterbating becuase i think its doing harm and its leading you into fantasizing!

    hope this helps inshallah

    Allah hafiz

  16. Brother im 17 i have been having the same thoughts for a couple of months i have never done anything homosexual with a man alhamdillah sometimes it goes away from me too but then it comes back stronger then ever i thought if i had sex with a women the problem would go away but i have not tried it and will not try it the funny thing is i always wanted to marry a women and have children etc i even believed i found the girl i wanted to marry when i was 14 and i still wish too inshallah but can someone give us a website that showsus how to deal with this and get over it inshallah

    aslamulalaykum brothers and sister

  17. Hi Brother,

    After listening to you and so many many more discussions I thought I should just give you some piece of advice and I WILL surely keep it short.

    This is a test for you and you have to ask GOD to let you out. This is what you have to do.

    1. Wake up for tahajjud, pray 2 nafl or more and ask Allah to let you out. Cry all night and ask for his mercy.
    2. Before and after azan of Jumua say nafl and cry for his mercy during the nafl. Cry in the Farz parts also and the sunna parts also. Surely your prayers will be answered.

    And when they are answered you will realize as if the problem was never there. When you get the mercy of Allah it is so unexpected and so soothing that you are forced to say Alhamdolillah.

    Please take my advice and continue doing this.

    My prayers are with you.

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