Having problems with my in-laws
Salaam, i'm new to this but im in need of advice.
I have recently got married (love marriage) and have been happy with my husband for the past 6 months. I am quite a reserved person and tend to keep myself to myself.
My husband however is very outspoken and always says what is on his mind. This has caused issues between him and his mother.
He says that thay have never seen eye to eye and thier relationship is very rocky. Recently they have had an argument and this has now reflected on our marriage.
My mother in law has recently said she wants nothing to do with us and also says that i have not done anything to be a part of the family. I however feel i have tried, maybe not hard enough to their expectations, but i feel i have treated them with more respect than my own mother.
My mother in law says that my husband is aggressive and full of anger and hatred and will end up being bitter however he is the most caring and genuine person i know,that has so much love to give. He has always treated me with respect and has always put my needs before his own.
I feel stuck as i haven't been a part of the family for long and do not know what i can do to make things better, my husband claims this is normal and that he doesnt have any feelings towards his mother,(although this is a front as he is really hurt and doesnt want to admit it). I dont want to push him towards her especially as she has said to me its best we go our own ways, but i dont want my husband to be punished for not fulfilling his duties towards his parent, and i dont want anyone to feel that i have pulled him away as i have tried my best to mke amends and on many occasions clear the air.
I feel i have been wrongly judged and want to make amends however this causes my husband to argue with me as he feels there is no point living to please others, but just to do right by each other.
Am i wrong for still trying with my inlaws or should i just listen to my husband and let the matter be?
Thank you for taking the time out read to this.
Sapphire
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Sister,
The problems between your husband and his mother started long ago and you have absolutely nothing to do with any of it. It is sad that your mother in law is dragging you into the mix. Just leave whatever it is alone between your husband and his mother and let them sort it out. No matter what, try not to say anything that can be used against you in the future. What I mean by that is, don't comment or make any remarks about what is going on. Sometimes when you are well meaning, others can take what you said and twist it to their advantage. Congrats on your getting married. May you and your husband have many years of happiness ahead!
Salam
Thank you for your kind words and your advice,ameen, its a frustrating situation to be in, i know i should just do right by my husband but being of a pakistani background, i feel the pressure of cultural ideals of a daughter in law take over, i know not to say anything but i cant help but feel like i should try to make an effort with his mother for the sake of the future, but i find it difficult to approach them or even have a conversation with them, i have kept my distance and niether of us visit, though i feel we should, inshallah if and when we are blessed with children i dont ever want them to miss out on thier grandparents or feel like outsiders like i do at the moment. You are right the issues between mother and son were from before i was in the picture and inshallah i make duaa that they can resolve these issues.
Thank you again for your kind words, may allah bless you and show his mercy upon u ameen
Sister do not interfere in mother and son relation . Be quite and positive. Your husband is not fulfilling her mother rights as given by Islam. If in any part of life he will understand the Islamic rights of mother he might blame you for all these misunderstandingsbetween him and his mother. So please be quite and do not comment.
It sounds like your Mother-in-Law is blaming you. If you think that you have tried, then you should let her know that you have tried and that she is misunderstanding you. A frank but polite discussion should not cause any trouble. And you should have your say.
Once you talk to her and let her know your side, it is up to her if she wants to be friends or not. If she still continues to say that she wants nothing to do with you and your husband then it is her choice. We can't make people do things.
But I think you should have an open talk with her.
Salaam uzzie
Thank you for taking the time out to read my post, i have tried to have frank discussions with my mother in law and have also been round to thier house since all this started, to pick up some things for my brother in law as he lives far away with his wife and we were going to visit him for the weekend. My husband refused to go inside the house and only spoke with his dad outside, i felt it was wrong to stay outside, so i went in to atleast give my salaam to my mother in law,it was very akward and there was just small talk, more on my part to try and make conversation with them, i was glad when my sis in law came into the room so i could talk to her. My mother in law made no attempt to join in the conversation and could not wait for me to leave. I have tried before this occasion to clear the air with them over the phone, to try and talk out the issues or atleast find out what i have done wrong to upset them but they are just unhappy that i am not the type of person they wanted me to be, and kept comparing me to other daughter in laws of other families. I am a very reserved person and do take a while to come out of my shell and i feel that being cast out after less than 6months is unfair. I feel my job may also be a part of the issue as i work alot of long hours, but this is due to my husband trying to establish his own business that he was unable to do until after marriage as no one believed in him. I am currently running the house off my wage and am trying my best to fulfil my duties as a wife. Sometimes i feel that i may have taken on too much but i know in the long run its better for us as a couple as my husband will be established inshallah and i can then concentrate on being the daugher in law. My own family also feel that i do not visit them often but they understand that we are still trying to find our feet financilay and have been very supportive but i cannot say the same of my husbands family. I really want to try and make ammends with them but them sometimes think is it more hassle than its worth. Am i a bad person for feeling this way?
May allah reward you for your kind heart and words and for your help and advice ameen
consider yourself blessed.....