Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Having ”that” talk with your child…

bringing up child baby

Assalamu alaikum,

I have two children, a boy, 9, and a girl, 8. They are reaching the age at which I must explain to them about sex and relationships, as well as things like pornography and masturbation. However, I am unsure how to initiate it or what or how to exactly say it. I have talked about it with my wife, but I also wanted some advice from someone here who has done it with their children. Especially, how do you explain it in an Islamic way, but without making the children think it is a disgusting thing or making them feel depressed about the sexual desires they may be starting to get as they grow?

I don't want to be too complacent about it, because once they reach adolescence, it may be too late. I remember my parents did not do this important talk with me, and I ended up being addicted to porn and masturbation for a few years before I gave up, alhamdulillah. I DON'T want my children to be damaged, or affected at the least, or introduced to sex, in that path.

How do I explain what a relationship between husband and wife is like? and I want to instill in them the idea that they should wait until marriage, and want them to understand fornication to be a sin. This is difficult as I grow up in the UK where marriage is a weakening institution. How do I go about it?

I feel that perhaps they are too young, but I must still do it because, if I don't, they will get exposed to these things at school or somewhere, inevitably, and I want to be there to help them understand it in the Islamic way.

Also about masturbation: is it haram, and how do I talk about it with my kids?

Do I approach the two of them differently, and how?

Please give me a detailed response, insha allah, as I want to be completely clear before I begin. And soon as possible. Thank you

Please advise me, jazak allahu khayran


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8 Responses »

  1. Asslamau alaikum
    Dear brother just been reading your concern about you wanting to talk to your young children about adolescence, I really do think that they are too young.Eight and nine they are practically babies.
    It's sad that you feel that you need to approach them at this young age, I am a mother of three children age 12 9 and 6. I don't really think that children need to know things which are too heavy at such young age, my eldest daughter knows the basics which was said through school teaching of adolescence,then once that was said I also talked to her how you bath and read to become Pak again. Plus they had an appropriate qualified lady at school which only talked to the girls separately. In school they talk to boys separately by a male who is qualified,these chats are simple and are done accordingly with the same sex letting them know what needs to be known for that age/stage appropriate.
    Children these days only get taught the basics such has body changing, they don't really talk into details in school. This talk you want to do is when they are about 12-13 years.
    I'm sorry that if you feel that you need this chat so early but honestly when the right time comes they will know so will you and your Mrs, but for now brother let it be
    Allah bless you, and your family.

  2. Start touching on subjects initially. Then graduallly it should becme easier..

    Thts why i think. Explain bit by by bit.

  3. OP: I remember my parents did not do this important talk with me, and I ended up being addicted to porn and masturbation for a few years before I gave up, alhamdulillah.

    It is important that kids know about sex (sex education). Sexual desires can't be controlled Most parents want their kids to stay away from members of opposite sex. Most kids will experiment secretly if they get a chance.

    I am sure you knew that watching porn was bad but still you did it.

  4. I just want to say that I think you are doing the right think by having 'The talk' with your children...whether its the right age - I don't know...Kids grow up so quickly these days and I guess you need to judge for yourself whether they are old enough for it.
    But you should have the talk...I wish my parents had the talk with me...I found out about the birds and the bees at the embarrassing age of 18,..it came as a shock etc... and I wish that my parents were as sensible as you are.

    Take care and good luck to you.

  5. Asalam alekum
    Dear brother Im eagerly wanting to answer this question as it is an important question.
    Since you may be living in Europe however I may not give a good answer but I'll try my best to explain.
    At this age I do not think it is necessary as they are too young to know about sex.
    Yes Aisha (RA) was 9 when she married Mohammad ﷺ but I think sex was explained to her just before she married.
    what I'm trying to say is focus on teaching them Religion go to gatherings where you could meet other Ethnic Muslims your children will learn something from them.
    In Europe children are taught about sex at young age, you could gradually teach them about what they have learned in the best manner possible.

    May Allah bless you righteous children.
    Asalam alekum

  6. Assalam alaikum,

    It is best to send the message to your children that you are there to answer their question regarding their bodies and sexuality. We often forget that little children become Haafiz-e-Quran, our Holy Book, which gives details about the human embryo, its development and the menstrual cycle of women....and much much more. Children who understand Arabic would naturally either understand or have questions about this information--but children who don't are still learning the words, but only lack understanding the language. Also, girls can have their first menstrual cycle as early as 8 or 9--so it only makes sense to speak to your children about these matters with the help of your wife of course.

    I suggest that you start by speaking to them about the privacy of their bodies and making sure they understand that no one is allowed to touch them in a sexual way. They need to know how to not fall victim to a sexual predator and this can't be done by reasoning that they are too young (as mentioned above). There are many children who were never exposed to this information and became victims of sexual abuse--and this talk could help!

    As for your daughter, your wife may want to speak about the menstrual cycle so that she doesn't experience it before she speaks to her as that can be devastating and scary.

    In general, I don't think you need to feel pressure to tell them details about intimacy, but rather tell them that as they grow, they may develop feelings for the opposite sex and that that is natural--however, as Muslims, we have ways to not act on those emotions. Let them know that when that happens or if they have questions or if they saw something or they are wondering, that you will answer it for them Inn shaa Allah. You could even begin with reading the Quran with your children with meaning--this will help them understand sex and intimacy in the context of our Deen. I do suggest that if you have to explain something in detail to do so separately with your daughter and your son so that they feel comfortable in asking. By reading the Quran with meaning you will send the message to your children that this isn't a taboo subject and that our Deen is a very practical religion that doesn't want us to suffer or feel burden.

    The best way to not make them feel that it is disgusting or that they can't talk about it, is to make the environment at home the "goto place" for asking questions. You could even have a little box at home for your family to put questions into so that you can address on a weekly basis and it doesn't have to be about this topic--but by doing this, it will create an inviting environment for your children and make them feel like they don't need another secret source, inn shaa Allah. You could put questions into the box as well to help raise awareness about a particular topic that you worry about for your children. Try to use the box in an anonymous way without focusing on the author of the question. (In my opinion, this will help them to use you and your wife as the primary source for their troubling concerns.)

    I hope that this helps a little inn shaa Allah, May Allah ease your difficulties, Ameen.

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