Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He has left me and I feel like killing him or myself, someone help

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A brief summary is that I fell in love with a guy and how everything went. We had physical relationship and promised each other to look after another through thick and thin. But later on that when I asked him to marry me, he refused. He mentioned the caste issues and other issues of his life. He had an affair with another girl before with whom he was physical for six years and wanted to marry her too. but her parents married her to a doctor. He felt bad because he only wanted to marry her because according to her she was the best and of a sound character too. according to him the sound character was to have premarital sex with only man man at a time. well before our committment I always asked him that I would marry you and he always said that he would try. But later on he refused for no reason.

He said 'you are stubborn girl and I want to marry the girl of my parents' choice' bla bla bla. I did everything to get myself out of this problem. I am talking to a counselor also these days. But I am still standing at the same place. I still wish if I could convince him to marry me but I failed badly. He still says that love does not mean to marry. He asks that if you love me then just have sexual relationship with me but I won't marry you because you are a stubborn girl and so if you want to marry then marry the man of your family's choice. But I said to him that I can't do this because I love you only. It has been 6 months now again that I have been trying to convince him but still no use.

I don't know whats wrong with me. I know unfortunately that what is right and what is wrong, I know what is the difference between ethical and unethical, I know what are the moral values, unfortunately I know everything but still my mind and heart says that he is my man and I have to convince him. I accept he lied to me because he never wanted to marry me and used me physically then why I am unable to forget about him. What is wrong with me. I am getting revengeful, I keep on planning how to kill him because he ruined my self, he took away my virginity and left me alone. He is a pathetic liar I know but then why I still want him.

I pray alot and read quran daily and keep on supplicating to Allah to help me than still the things are not changing. Every night I don't feel like sleeping, I feel stressed and tensed. I have gone into depression. I hate myself and I hate everyone. I feel like committing suicide because due to that man I have lost my self confidence, my love, my sincerity my everything. I begged him so much for marrying me because I dont want to marry someone else and can't ruin the life of another man.

I know guys want to marry a clean virgin girl but then how can I fulfil this criteria now as I myself know the reality. This life is becoming a burden for me. Every moment is becoming aweful. He is always on my mind. I know I love him still but I want to murder him because he ruined my life. I am unable to forgive him. I keep on cursing him. But I now feel that instead of cursing him I am cursing my own self by facing this pathetic psychological situation. I want to run and and want to kill him for sure. Why why why I am thinking like this. I know its haram, I know what I did was haram, then why am I still not doing anything good?

I am facing severe mental tensions and pressures, I have also talked to my friends about this situation but still I am hopeless because inside I feel like convincing him. I keep on thinking about the plans that how to convince him. He was a liar, he used me, he made me feel like a trash, he never wanted to marry me, he always refused marrying me then why am I still in love with him. What is wrong with me? Why don't I understand? I always prayed to Allah for blessing me with the best man and then he just came into my life. If he was not destined for me and although I prayed for a good man then why did he come?

I pray to Allah for getting me out of this situation. I seek forgiveness from Allah. I pray alot and do continuous astagfaar. As a muslim I am trying my best to now put my trust on Allah only then why I am still depressed. Why don't I forget him? Should I commit suicide or what? O my God what I am talking? I don't know what to do now. I have to have a neat clean life. I just want to love my husband only but I just wonder that I tried so much then why Allah didnt destine him for me? I did so much to convince him then why Allah didnt listen my prayer. I know I did bad bad stuff but I never wanted to it just happened in love with that man.

Now why he is not ready to marry me if he had sex with me, why why why? How to forget about this past and how to get out of this. I really dont know because whatever strategy I have used gone useless. Nothing is working in my situation. It seems I have gone crazy. I know Allah is angry with me but he is the most Merciful the Most Forgiving. I get so much upset and angry when I think that he would marry someone else. This thought make me mad. I get so much exasperated that I really want to kill him. I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS THIS? This was not me. But this is me.

My heart is so heavy and dull...The feelings of regret over fornication and so called love have dwelled envy and exasperation inside me against the people whom I see happy and satisfied....I dont know whats wrong with me....I pray and read Quran alot and do zikr but it seems that the Allah is angry with me and Allah should be because I crossed the limits and transgressed the limits of Islam....but Allah is Oft Forgiving then why Allah is not listening to me and if Allah is listening then why I am still facing this tough situation...even right now I am in my office but I really want to hit my head hard into the wall and want to kill that S***bag and want to kill his Ex girl due to which he did all this to me...

But at the sametime I think about the reality also....the reality is that he was not completely responsible for everything and I don't even know that lady from whom I feel jealous....Sometimes I feel like why the people are happy and why I am not...how people successfully manage relationships and get the love of their life and live happily...why the things dont work for me....I am an unsuccessful girl....I always wanted to marry and still I want to but I dont know why I can't forget him...I curse him curse him and curse him because I have gone crazy....

Goshhhh.....whats wrong with me....I want to get out of all this but nothing is happening in my favour....then I think that I would keep myself busy in my work but my job is so weird and pathetic that I cant keep myself busy even...I dont know why this mess up is not ending up....Why Allah is not lessening the tensions and burdens for me....I know this is not right to complain but I am so tired and messed up....I was never like this, I was full of life and so good but the kick in love has ruined me and has shattered my girly dreams and everything....

I don't know what to do and what not to do....I just want to know how to forget him and everything...I don't want to be a sinner anymore...I don't want to commit any sin ....I don't want to hurt anyone....I don't want to do anything that could make Allah angry....might be I am facing the punishment of my sins but  I know Allah is oft forgiving....

I am really upset right now...it seems like that I wont ever find a loving man....it seems as that I won't be happy again and I would stay the same....Gosh....I don't know what to do....my heart is so heavy and hurt....I am having tears in my eyes....I keep on crying the whole day that whats wrong with me....I know I have gone crazy and I wont be fine ever....my family feels as I wont be able to find a good man ever....even they are facing so problems regarding finding a perfect match....they dont know what to do and what not to do.....Gosh....dont know what to write....

Please guide and pray for me.....

~Candy Candy


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42 Responses »

  1. Hi Candy!

    I am sure you must be waiting to hear from someone. I used to wait too, whenever I posted my query, in other words, whenever i vented out my feelings through this site. May Allah bless the creators of this site.

    To be very honest, I am not very learned in the matters of Islam, yet, I try my best to follow it everyday and have also listened to the translation of our Holy Quran. But, what I may tell you now, will be based on my feelings, through amalgamation of my experiences, through learning and exploring of my religion and through basic principles of humanity. I hope I be able to put you a little at ease... if not much.

    First of all, just get a grip on yourself. i know its difficult, but still, you ought to do that. Coz only when you are gripped, you will feel sane and then you can think straight. In order to get a grip, I have got a solution. You may find it silly, but whenever you feel raged, hyper, anxious.... just walk towards a bottle of water, sit down, and have it all by reciting bismillah. You will get strength, a lot of it. inshaAllah.

    The next thing I would suggest is, find your interests elsewhere. Spend your time in doing things you always loved doing as a child, as a teenager, start pursuing your hobbies, dig out the old entertaining traits from within you and grab hold of it. This is the only way you can divert your mind from this soulless creature in your life. You have to keep yourself involved with your friends, who love you. your family. go out with them. Always keep yourself surrounded with people, friends, family, company you enjoy being with. This way, you will realize, life is much more beautiful than wasting our time over people we once thought we loved so much. Go shopping! Hell yeah, do things for yourself. Spend time with your girlfriends, and laugh, laugh a lot. And do not even give a single call or divert your thoughts to this person. Atleast, try this for a week.

    Then when you think, you have got a "little" strength in you, confront this guy. Not alone, with your friends, or family if needed. Friends work best on this case. Confront this guy, vent out all that you have against him ON HIS FACE, infront of a couple of people, and say things to him you always wished to. Even if it means cursing him. And then if you can, even slap him hard across his face. Be sure you dont this while you are alone. you ought to have friends, it's safer this way. you could also make a call to his family and tell them all about him anonymously. The other way is, get hold of a girlfriend of yours he doesnt know, ask her to make him fall for her, and then she should dump him with the words he used to tell you... You know candy, you could do a lot of things to rage it all out and leave him ashamed and guilty of his own actions. Strong advice would be, dont do it all alone, moral support and a group of friends is very very important. Anyway, before the site administrators ban me for advising you like this... let me change my track. :P

    Candy, start by acknowledging that yes, it was your mistake. Yes, you were responsible too. And yes, you turned a blind eye to the most important thing of life, that is following your religion. This guy, has already proved himself that he is no good for being loved or even loving someone. He is more inclined towards satisfying his physical needs. And this, his ex-girl might also hav noticed. Else why else would she not strive to be married to him? Besides, we dont know what happened between them for them to not be together. Anyway. So, just think of the other more beautiful people in your life, who make you smile and make you feel good and value you.... you will realize how worthless this creature infront of you is. And there's absolutely no point in trying to convince a man who is not going to value your feelings or even be concerned about your happiness. So, DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT PERSUADING HIM.

    Sometimes, we very well know, what's good for us, what's right and what's not, ethical, unethical like you mentioned. But we go too far away from our conscience while being selfish. And that's when, we need someone to tell us - DONT DO THIS. THIS IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU. We want to turn into a child and expect someone to have sympathy for us and guide us rightly. And that si when we seek answers we already knew, look for shoulders to cry and ear to hear us out. And all this is perfectly fine. But, what we forget in our quest of peace is.... the only one who knows exactly what we are going through is ALLAH (SWT). He is the only one who knows every bit of our story, every insignificant feeling that boils within us, and our struggle with our own selves. So DONT give up on praying, on repenting, on reciting Quran, on seeking help from Him, on seeking guidance from Him.

    One of the most common things an Allah's servant deals with is, guilt. And Satan takes full advantage of this. Stan keeps whispering in our ears, "Oh you are a sinner, oh whatch u gonna ask for now. oh He is not going to forgive you, you will be doomed. oh, what a hypocrite you are... blah blah blah " That's his job, he grabs hold of our weakness, our guilt and cements it further. so that we never rise and never believe and never have faith again. And when you turn to Allah, He tests you. He says " oh, she's praying? if I give her a little more hurdles, she's gonna quit her faith in me". Then he test you again. Then you feel all the more difficult. Somehow, you still hold onto Him and pray. Allah again says, "oh, she's still holding on? if I put her through a little more tests, she's gonna quit on me" And then He tests you again. Candy, what I trying to tell you is, Allah may have been upset with you, but only when you were sinning. Now that you are no, and now that your are repenting, He is not upset with you. He wants assurance that you will not quit on your faith, you will not quit on Him, and you will not go back to sinning. Hence, He is just testing you. So, DONT GIVE UP! You are not alone, you were never alone.

    My Maulana - my teacher who taught me how to recite Quran, always told me this whenever I got into depression or whenever I felt I was losing my faith in things, in destiny:

    Laa taqnatoo mir rahmatillah - Never lose hope on Allah's mercy - Allah ki rehmat par kabhi na -ummeed nahi ho.

    Love your deen, your faith, candy. Know you have only one best friend and that is Allah. Be aware that He is not going to leave you miserable and He is listening to what your saying, to what you are going through. This guy who has put you through so much, I am sure Allah has already thought of a lot of ways to make him realize, or to even punish him. You know the saying, what goes around come around. You just have to be patient. or you can try one of the ways i suggested above. :P

    Candy.... I may not be an expert in relationships, but you sure do bump into wrong people, you sure go through hell in love, you sure lose everything you once treasured for a worthless person... but with time... these become the most insignificant things of life. with time, you learn so much that your future happiness will overlap your gloomy past. I know of a very powerful dialogue from the movie - The Holiday. I will type it down for you :)

    " Listen, I know it's hard to believe people when they say 'I know how you feel' .But I actually know how you feel. You see, I was seeing someone back in London, we worked for the same newspaper. And then I found out that he was also seeing this other girl, Sarah, from the circulation department on the 19th floor. Turned out that he wasn't in love with me like I thought. What I'm trying to say is, I understand the feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And doesn't matter how many new hair-cuts you get, or gyms you or how many glasses of shots you drink with your girlfriends, you still go to bed every night, going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong and how you could have misunderstood, and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the lie and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you go somewhere new, and you meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade. "

    Well, that was it - an excerpt from the movie script. Hope this helped too.

    I hope you are feeling a little better now. Dont think of committing suicide - that is another haram act. I am sure you wouldn't wish to get into more sins as of now. Besides, you are not a coward to do so. You are a Muslimah- who has the biggest weapon in this life, that is, your faith - Islam. And you can do wonders, when you believe. About this guy, throw him out of your life, like you would throw a fly out of your drink. H eis not worth wasting your energy upon, not worth falling sick for, and definitely not worth of spending for your counseling sessions.

    So get up, get a hold on yourself, do things you love to enjoy, get back your confidence, get back yourself - for your friends, family and for people who love you for what you are... and show them, what a beautiful person you are. You dont deserve to be treated like a piece of meat to be enjoyed, you dont deserve to be denied the right to be respected, to be loved or to even be demoralized. If you are stubborn, show your stubbornness for the right things, for the ethical things, especially for following your religion, for believing in Allah.

    And remember- don't ever quit praying, dont ever quit repenting, dont ever quit on your Creator . These things will keep you grounded, will keep you humble.

    InshaAllah!! you will find the kind of peace you never expected you would in these times of turmoil in your life.
    It's just a matter of time... and things will just be fine! InshaAllah.
    May Allah bless you with all the strength, with all His guidance and with all the right people around you.
    Ameen

    Take care of yourself

    Ruhool

    • Thank you so much for reading my post and replying me...
      your suggestions have really motivated me and I am feeling so relaxed that you really advised me so well with so many examples....Trust me i am trying my best to overcome all this but the feeling of rejection from the man whom i loved so much has really hit me badly....I did everything i could for him but still....
      I had prayed so much and Allah didnt help me in this matter why?? I know there is wisdom behind the wordings and decisions of Allah but he also listens our prayers....
      I dont know when I would be able to forget him....he is on my nerves all the time....and whenever i think that he would marry someone else...O God this thought make me crazy....
      I had planned so much and now i have nothing in my hands....
      anyhow i am still doing my best and hope for the best......
      once again thankyou so much for being so gentle

      • Candy,

        First of all, when you have commited a sin so grave which actually has a prescribed punishment in Islam, you should repent to Allah in a way that seems like you spend your entire day in it.

        sins do happen, though we should abstain from them. This is because of the shaitaan and the lack of patience from our side. you have indeed committed a huge sin and I understand that you regret. Repent to Allah, and know that He is the Oft Forgiving and The Most Merciful.

        what help do you need from anybody or from a counselor when you have a Lord Who Hears you all the time? He is Angry if you haven't repented. Repent and hope for the Mercy of Allah. And insha Allah you will have it.

        Everyone commits sins but best of these are the ones who repent, according to a hadeeth.

        If you want to take my advise, listen to the lectures of the Scholars, Read the Qur'an by understanding the meanings, read Islamic books, supplicate the azkaar, and in this way, keep yourself busy, until you taste the delight of Eemaan.

        Even then, you WILL regret for your sin of Zina, and a Muslim always should.

        And never mention your sins in public, as it is in itself a sin according to a hadith.

        you need not even look at the guy, because you are equally responsible for what has happened and he CANNOT be blamed solely. Leave his affair to Allah and you save yourself from the Wrath of Allah.

        You may have another question 'if I hide my sins, how do I know how to deal with the consequenses?' In such a case, you should refer your matter to a scholar of Islam, known for his SOUND KNOWLWDGE.

        If you need any more help from me, you can always reach me at (email address deleted by Editor)

        May Allah Help us all, until we See Him on the Final Day

        Aameen

  2. Ruhool, this part of your advice is very bad:

    Then when you think, you have got a "little" strength in you, confront this guy. Not alone, with your friends, or family if needed. Friends work best on this case. Confront this guy, vent out all that you have against him ON HIS FACE, infront of a couple of people, and say things to him you always wished to. Even if it means cursing him. And then if you can, even slap him hard across his face. Be sure you dont this while you are alone. you ought to have friends, it's safer this way. you could also make a call to his family and tell them all about him anonymously. The other way is, get hold of a girlfriend of yours he doesnt know, ask her to make him fall for her, and then she should dump him with the words he used to tell you... You know candy, you could do a lot of things to rage it all out and leave him ashamed and guilty of his own actions. Strong advice would be, dont do it all alone, moral support and a group of friends is very very important. Anyway, before the site administrators ban me for advising you like this... let me change my track.

    ***

    This sister is already in a rage and you are encouraging her to build more rage and take revenge, to get another girl to date him, to slap him and to dishonour him infront of his family. What kind of advice is this?

    ***

    CandyCandy, I am sorry you have been betrayed, this is indeed sad and I can you are in alot of pain - but Allah will deal with the one who gave you so much pain. At the same time, you have also wronged your own soul by engaging in a haraam relationship. So it will be best for you to put your energies into turning back to Allah and to humble yourself. Yes, you will feel hurt, pain, emptiness, anger, etc, but this is your time to be patient. You kept sinning but Allah came to your rescue and saved you from a cheating man, yet you still want him back despite knowing his many flaws. Don't waste anymore time sister, its time to change your direction and gear towards Allah(swt). Leave thinking of revenge and exposing sins. Do your wudu and calm yourself down and let yourself quietly mourn - this time will pass. The closer you go to Allah, the quicker the pain will ease away. The more you go towards revenge, the more your anger will rise and you distance yourself from Allah - this will not ease your pain.

    Suicide is not the answer, please read click in this link, I think it will help you:
    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/suicide-in-islam/

    Also see the following links, inshaAllah they will help you:
    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/the-sin-of-fornication-and-adultery/
    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/tawbah-in-islam/poem-turning-back-to-allah/

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • dear sisterz

      i respect your opinion on my advice.

      but to be honest, guys like these need to be taught a lesson, so that they dont have guts to go and spoil other girls lives like he did to candy.
      besides, it is only natural for a human, especially a girl, to feel at ease, after she has helped herself. Not by going into a cocoon or building up the rage inside, but by confronting the situation and standing up for herself. According to me, if she doesn't confront, she is going to feel the burden through out her life and may be even regret later that why didn't she help herself instead.

      I think this is practical enough to get up from the place where you stumbled upon, and then move on.
      Well, it's just my opinion, its upto candy to decide what would really make her relieved. Rather than killing him or killing herself. It makes sense to confront and vent it out.

      Besides, my advice is solely based on human nature... supported by spiritual and natural solutions.
      There is no doubt that she must calm down, she must turn to deen, she must repent and pray as much as she can, at the same time, she must learn to protect her self esteem and self respect. If not for her, then for the sake of other girls who might become this guy's victim sooner or later.

      Hence, my opinion, with everything in perspective. I dont think it's bad. If you do, then I am sorry that you do. No offence to anyone here.

      Have a great day ahead!
      Jazakallah

      • dear......I dont want to take any revenge because i know Allah would help me instead and one day he would realize that he didnt do right with me.....

        I am shattered from inside and i would be always because what i did was wrong and what i expected from him, he didnt do that.

        I want u all to remember me in your prayers....

    • Thank you so much sister.........

      May Allah help me and guide me......

    • I feel for you but you have to find a way to move past this. He is a jerk and knows nothing of islam. Unfortunately many of our Muslim men don't. Yes, you sinned and do did he.Repent and ask Allah for forgiveness. Your virginity is gone and that's sad but not because some guy wants unopened package to play with but because generally when a woman does this, she is giving from the heart . The fear and shame should be from Allah not men. The more you beg this man the more he will treat you poorly. Forget him, move on and don't waist more precious time thinking about him. Even if he says he will marry you, could you be happy knowing you were second best? That he held you In such little regard? Suicide is haram and nobody is worth killing yourself over. You are hurting bad right now but get your power back, pray, do stuff that makes you happy and enjoy your youth before you waist on a selfish man. It can be done. InshaAllah you will get through all this and come out a stronger person.

  3. Salaam sister, your alive, you can breathe, eat, sleep, and pray, be grateful of your gifts, many would kill to have these, and life is precious, seriously dont beat yourself up, that man is not worth it, he is a cheat and a liar who has infected you with his false 'love' and care, his only interest is in your body and a physical relationship, he has no care for your feelings or your emotions, a man by name only, by character a animal in love with the dunya and unaware of the wrong he is doing.

    The brother above gave you a chunk of false advise, liked only by shaytan, i would ask you to stay away from this man and his girlfriend, your feelings of anger, love are natural, and this is a phase, you WILL get through it, and thats without killing or hurting anyone, he played you well and like most men do fell in love with the 'game', you were yet another victim and sadly its hit you back very hard.
    Start by writing your thoughts on paper, do not dwell just write, if your angry write, if your sad, write, do not dwell on anything, wash your face with cold water and drink plenty of fluids, when you start thinking too much and build up the hate and anger, your heart starts racing and pumps blood faster, this causes tension and panic, leading to deep thinking, crying, and eventually depression, so write your thoughts and keep cool.

    secondly, your the victim and dont blame yourself, you need to get out of that mindset, he used you and then moved on, you should do the same, do not bother with such a man, he has no islamic values, hence his request you have a sexual relationship and not marriage, do not contact him again, he never loved you, merely told you what you wanted to hear, and you can find another man, seems impossible now but thats shaytan telling you to go back, love does not exist outside of marriage, its just lust well disguised, shaytans lust never fulfils anyones desires, they always want more, your situation is proof, the guy got another girl and might have been with many others, cut him off, put your past behind you, bring a smile to your face once more.

    Having sex outside marriage was your biggest mistake, despite everything it cannot be ignored and you must repent for this, beg Allah for his mercy and inshaAllah guidance towards his path, this man promotes idea of zina, and this is yet another reason to cut contact with him, he follows haraam and is preaching it with his comments in reagrd to having a sexual relationship, remember it was shaytan who said i will make wrong fair seeming to them.

    Men do not prefer virgins over non-virgins, discard this idea from your head, you made a mistake, now conceal it from the world and dont tell a soul, its between you and Allah, inshaAllah when you find a good man he will not want you for your body but for your soul, and the soul is forever kept clean and purified by Allah, alter your thinking, ask yourself do i really need him, well you survived for the first chapter of your life, and all he bought to you was darkness and despair, hardly something to chase ?, i will sum up what you are saying by wanting him, 'you are burning alive, and in pain, however instead of asking the good samaritan to throw water over you, you ask your opressor to pour more fuel over you'.. sounds crazy in that context but thats what your doing, so step back and think, when it comes to this 'love' outside marriage, we tend to jump in and question later, that proves fatal everytime.

    your dreams are achievable, your life can be back on track, follow what i said, write down, keep a cool head, and dont think about him, think what he has done and think without him you are free of darkness, i pray Allah shows him the error of his ways before he becomes a child of fornication, but his part in your life is over, have faith in Allah and all shall become visible, remember many things we dislike are good for us,and those we like are not good for us. keep praying and keep faith, Allah will guide you and you will see the light at the end of your dark tunnel.

    I keep you in my duas, i pray you free yourself of this useless man and regain your confidence, your love and become a independent women once more inshaAllah.

    • I am so pleased to have such a wonderful reply from you....thank you so much for advising me.....

      I am doing my best and would keep doing my best....

      Today I am really thinking that i have to forgive him for my Allah because Allah is there to help me than i am not supposed to take any revenge from him....I know i did wrong and due to that i am facing this distress....but one thing i have realized that there is wisdom behind the words of Allah and whatever Allah knows He knows the best......
      its true that my heart is still pounding with pain and hurt.....its broken and scar is there but this scar would get a new covering inshahAllah and i would be back on my right path towards Allah.....

      but i just wonder sometimes that why dont he regret?? why dont his ex regret?? why me regretting all the time?? they are enjoying their lives and getting everything the want.....his ex got married to the best doctor and is having a beautiful baby....she is enjoying....she had premarital sex for 6 years but no regret...no tension and no depression.....

      my man is also enjoying and planning to get married soon to a beautiful and rich girl....why dont he regret....

      I know someday they would but i dont know when.....

      well i am broken and broken and broken..........
      do remember me in your prayers

      • Sister, you speak of their success, and why they dont regret, remember this is dunya, this is temporary, the akhirah is permanent, and so as much as they may be happy now only Allah knows what awaits them, do not feel saddened by their success, because your hurt will only worsen, aim to be a good muslimah which mashaAllah you are doing, and keep on the good path, and a persons wealth is measured by the size of their heart, never the size of their bank, your good nature and big heart led you to mistakes and hurt, but now is heading towards the right path and inshaAllah you are getting closer to Allah and away from the mistakes and hurt, to me your are more wealthy than all of those people, because of how you are, and that is a great gift in itself.

        look not to him, nor his happyness, ignore all else and keep faith in Allah, for he will lead you to happyness that this dunya can never give you, wipe the tears and mend the broken heart, their are angels around you when you pray, such a beautiful feeling, embrace this and you will be free of hurt and pain, you will be whole and your past will remain just that..

        i pray for you sister, inshaAllah you move on from this pain and suffering, and into the noor of Allah, and get all his blessings, may he guide you to happyness and success inshaAllah.

        • you just mentioned the feeling of praying while surrounded by angels.....your are absolutely right that this is one of the best feelings that one can ever have....

  4. after making physical relationship guys almost leave girls, it is natural. it is not love and guys only want to make relationship to satisfy their desire and nothing else. so it is your fault that you have done haram (zina) and try to convince that guy for marriage , otherwise forget that guy ................

  5. You commited Zina . and despite being ashamed of this major crime and sin. you expect Allah that he will accept ur duas.and suppose if u get what u want in this world, what did u think about the life after death. Make sincere and serious oppology to Allah. Ask him to forgive u on this Haram act.
    make Dua to Allah may he guide you. ask him to give u not what u want, but what is right for you.. .
    and bytheway atleast use ur sense that the one who has used you , who had been in haram relations with u, and with other girl too. do u thing he has any faith in his heart. He need to first do Tauba & stop living life in doing haram acts. and then he should oppolojize to you. do nikah with u ASAP. so that you & him both make ur life halal.
    and always keep focus on ur grave and Aakhira. this world is temporary. and everything that relates to this world is temporary. nobody will help u in ur grave except ur prayers and good deeds. keeping focus on that perminant life make u patient and will make u keep urself away from wrong doings.

    • i am ashamed and regretful

      he is out of my life and would never come back.....he left me when i needed him the most and now i have to live alone....

  6. Salam Sis,
    Just don't commit suicide, you'll commit suicide for eternity in hell if you did that.

    But anyone here, I need help, I've been wanting to post a question, but I freaking don't know hoow to register or somewhat.

  7. He is not coming back and you know that .

    Just think about your akhira . You should repent , repent and repent . You must realise the enormity of the sin you committed . You will be held accountable , if you do not repent . Do lots of good deeds so as to cover up the size of your sin .

    The boy that you are talking about will face his accountability for sure . In this life or akhirah . Remember that Allah has many mysterious ways to punish a human in this world .

    You must also understand that you cannot take revenge on him . You both used each other . You should have the understand that a women's honour is very delicate . He might run away in this world but you cannot . You should have realised the consequences of sleeping with a man before marriage . Now , it is better to leave everything behind and move on . I know that it is difficult but what other choices do you have ?

    By the way , are you a teenager ?

  8. @lala the man should have taught about the consequences before marriage too. The lady is not all to blame.

    To sister in question i really hope you get through this difficult time and love for allah. This has happen and happen for a reason he always was going to do this to you. The guy wasn't worth anything apart from the lime excuses he gave you that's not a man except a weak coward. Learn to forget and move on don't hold onto anything about this loser. do not let it get to your head. This will be hard but trust me you be thankful he is out of your life for good. All you need to do is focus in you and repent to allah and no one has a right to judge you.

    I wish you the best

  9. dear candy,

    asalamalaikum,

    you have been given good advice here already.

    i will tell you a bit about someone i know who had very similar story to yours. this friend of mine is a simple, good, loyal , friendly girl. she met a boy in her university and was taking him just as a friend, he repeatedly drew her into a relationship. any one who is kind hearted and had not had experience of meeting friends who are males and flirts thinks that everyone is as sincere and devoted as she is. why would someone say i love you if they dont mean it. why would someone cary on having an affair for many years if they didnt want to be with them . any way this guy in the end told her that he is going to marry another girl which his parents have chosen for him. he loves her but cannot marry her. she was completely shattered . begged him to marry her, cried unlimited, used to phone me and say that she just wants to die, she just wanted this pain to be over. he then phoned her to invite her to his marriage and asked her why is she not congratulating him on his marriage , if she was that good of a friend then she should be happy for him!!

    she was almost ina state like you. and you know when we all are in the university after that lots of people are getting married, love birds in the college are getting together. you seem to be the only one stranded in the middle of nowhere and you just want to shut down.

    i then asked her to come with me to a religious gathering where no one knew her. this teacher there used to write to people about their problems as wells. i advised her that she should write to her and see what she has to say. the advice she got was pretty much whats given here.

    1 stop communicating with this man.
    2 offer namaz and say what you have to say to Allah .
    3 Allah has a lot of pride , more than our fathers or brothers. if your father or brother got to know that you have been invovled in sexual relationship , how would that feel to you or to them. but Allah is ghafoor as well , he promises forgiveness , he only expects us to turn His way the rest He will make it easy.
    4.say the prayer inalillah-e-wainaiaihi -rajioon......( this dua is given on this website as well or look for it on website islamic sunrays under the heading 'depression'. recite it all the time.
    5 say the dua laillaha ila anta subhanika ini kuntu minazalimin.
    6 aknowledge that you have wronged. ofcourse he wronged as well. you are sad because Allah made you realise it , he ishappy because Allah has left him stray.
    7 dont you think that you are blessed that Allah brought you to Him when you are in pain. whether you have been sexually involved or not he would have left you anyway,people like him are plenty around and many girls in the name of love , commitment etc fall into this trap.thats why Allah has asked us to protect ourselves from becoming a pray . people like him dont miss a chance to pounce on people.

    to you apparently he seems to be happy . do you really think so that he is happy. suppose you are married and then ahving an affair along side as well. your husband loves you dearly but you just take him forgranted and this extra- marital affair you are having is also just lust not love. consider how empty and sad your life will be. what a shame it will be that Allah blessed you with love but made you unable to enjoy it.
    such is the state of this person, he had love and loyalty but no heart to enjoy. if a girl sleeps with a man ,thats the ultimate a girl can give to someone she loves( thats what it means to you isnt it). but thats not what it means to him. to him its a way to fulfil his desires. some women do it as well. you were not using him but he was certainly. its a nasty feeling ... beeing used. it makes you think , how can i be so wrong!

    Allah will deal him His way . thats not for you to worry. Allah is your friend, your sincere friend, your creator, your provider and your wellwisher. ofcourse he will be angry at you because you have crossed your boundaries , but He is not angry so that He punishes you. He is angry because now you have hurt yourself by not listening to him. like parents get angry when we have done something wrong, not to hurt us but toprotect us. Allah has protected you. you were not stopping yourself , so Allah stopped it himself. be reassured that he wasnt a good man for you.

    inshallh with time these feelings of anger and remorse will fade away and allah will show to you that it was all for your good .only your good.and i really mean it iam not saying this to help you heal.

    ruhool has given very good advise other than revenge. doing constant zikar of Allah e.g saying astaghfirullah will lift this burden off your heart and replace it with blessings. just imagine that your heart is covered with this pain ( all black) everytime you say astaghfirullah a spot lifts up and is replaced by a blessing. soon your heart will be full of life and shine. inshallah.

    take care my sis. may the sweetness of candy be always in you and dont let this episodes bitterness get to you. ameen

    • salaams friend
      you have written everything so honest and true
      i also hope candy will not let this get her down BUT to pass it to rebuild her life forward fro no on

    • o my God! lol.

      my revenge thingy... guys, everyone reading here, plz understand it was all on a lighter note, to make candy feel better, that we all despise that guy equally. Also, i meant what i wrote to some extent, coz honestly, some people feel relieved in different ways. Some by venting it out, some by teaching the guy a lesson, not as a means of revenge but as a means of stopping the guy from further destroying other innocent lives. And plz, dont give it a name of revenge, i never wrote that with "revenge" intention. It is too harsh a word. but yes, i felt the rage that candy is going through, and hence, i typed my rage out too. Ofcourse, we all are aware, Allah hears us, He is with us, and all we need to do is reach out to him.

      But honestly, you can see a smiley face with that paragraph, I even joked about being kicked out for advising candy like this. So come on, no hard feelings here. All of us are grown ups and mature enough to understand and choose the right way for us.

      And also, I hope, the rest of my writing in that comment, says it all. I wouldn't call it as advise. I am in no position to advise anyone here. To be honest, after reading candy's post, i kept thinking for about 20 minutes, I had no words to reply or even say anything to ease her pain. Then, I realized, that this girl would be eagerly waiting for someone to hear her out. And I could only imagine her plight in what she wrote, but I felt it within me. That's when I mustered up courage to comment on her circumstances.

      Candy, May Allah bless you with His guidance and the right wisdom.
      Everyone else, may Allah bless us with sense and sensibility and everything else that requires us to lead a pious life. Ameen.

      • hey Dear

        I know that you tried to lighten up your note for me in order to bring a smile on my face.....I realize that whatever you written was just to make me cool and relaxed.....
        thankyou so much for being so sweet
        and i am happy that you had written all this because i could sense a true and honest reply from you....everyone here was honest and loving and i loved the replies of everyone.....
        just a request to remember me in your prayers always.....

        once again thanx for being so sweet

      • salam ruhool,

        i dont disagree with you about revenge. i totally agree to giving a good bash to this guy. make him uncomfortable a bit if not suffer.i actually like that you had a plan as well. i think guys like these need to be taught a lesson. the only problem is when girl are sincerely in love the are very fragile and look for excuses to get their love back, so this revenge thing backfires. and the plan fails, the friend who is meaning to be helpful ,girls start thinking that they are trying to be hinderance and the friendship breaks as well. i only know it through experience.

  10. Dear Friend

    Thank you so much for being so real...honest and true in your opinions....

    whatever you have shared that was true....and i accept the mistakes that i have committed.....but i hope my Allah would help me and forgive me IA

    this is a big test for me and honestly speaking this time has been the most worst and the horrid time for me...but again Allah is there

    do remember me in your prayers

    • your welcome sister, these things send people into depression. never trust any one except your parents and your family. always follow the path of prophet muhammad (s.a.w), u will leave a good life. if any one will follow the islamic path then they will be protected from these bad things. pray to allah for forgiveness and dont commit suicide it is not the solution ok. May allah bless you.
      khuda hafiz

  11. Assalamualaikum ,
    Sister Candy Candy,
    I have been reading your story and all the replies but couldn't reply .
    See my Sister whatever happened was too wrong . Don't think about the past. Just repent and say maximum Astaghfar about it.
    Now coming to your situation which hurts me and believe me I feel it . I was in a struggle too.
    First of all never think about that guy again. It was in your best interests that he parted ways. You deserve so much better my Sister. Somebody who loves your soul , your faith .
    Whenever there is a thought in your head Dhikr . Dhikr my Sister is the key . Remember Allah (s.w.t) always and ask for your happiness from Allah (s.w.t) . My Sister the peace of heart and mind is in Deen . If Allah (s.w.t) has to give you happiness no one can take it away from you and if he has hardships for you as a test no one can change it except Him(s.w.t).
    Now my Sister never think of one more sin Suicide . It will Eliminate all your chances of working hard for your Akhirah. This world is temporary . All the happiness and sorrows all are temporary . Our Akhirah is the place where we have to live eternally . So strive hard for Jannah my Sister .
    Be happy for yourself . For you are a Muslimah Mashallah , you are healthy, educated, have food to eat , a shelter , family , job Mashallah . Take up Halal hobbies , strive in your Deen, make connection with Allah (s.w.t) strOng , and forgive everyone involved in this situation first And foremost yourself Inshallah .
    Seek refuge and happiness in your Deen , ask Him(s.w.t) , talk to Him(s.w.t) , and be happy and thankful for your blessings .
    Eat healthy, do exercise regularly, watch sunrises and sunsets with Dhikr performing and Inshallah you will see the change . Open your eyes see the bright sunlight , the shining moon and do Tasbih . Allah (s.w.t) has given all these bounties to us. Why can't we obey only His(s.w.t) command ? Just think of it that it happened to bring you closer to your Lord and to make you wise. Inshallah
    Take good care of your self,
    Prayers ,
    Masalaam

  12. Well in short i would say Prayers and duwas wud turn u destiny. there are special prayers to turn HIs heart. dont worry just trust Allah.
    He wud surely guide u to the best. like He says in the holy quran
    "And whoever fears Allah - He will make for him a way out .And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allah - then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has already set for everything a [decreed] extent. " ( SURAH TALAQ AYAT 2-3)

    ALHAMDULILAH so far whoever i have forwarded those duwas mashALLAH they have got great results.
    u can email me . here is my email ***********************
    (Email address deleted by Editor)

  13. @Candy Candy

    Sis my dua's are with you!

    (I deleted your comment. Please log in and write your comment as a separate post, thank you. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

  14. Thanks no issues ... cant gather that strength again :)
    JazakAllah khair

  15. I have just found this and can totally relate it to my own situation and have been reading all the advice given. Its helped me too. May Allah be with you all always!

  16. Candy Candy,

    The guy will get his punishment dont you worry Insha Allah.
    Destroying some one's life the way he did...terrible display of being a muslim.

    Sadly the culture and media these days makes it "cool" to sleep around. Men really do not have much to lose in physical relationships, women do.

    But take heart, Allah is the only One, the One true love, the one who never lets you down, the one who never leaves you, the one who has given you all, the onc who can take it all away.

    He is the One, the only Absolute truth in this Universe, the Ever Lasting, wasting away your life and energy is quiet a loss and a display of ungratefulness. I know your heart is hurt and from experience, these feelings are very hard to let go.

    Follow the teachings of the Quran and the Prophet Muhammed (Salla hu 3alahi Wa Sallam).

    And know this, Allah is merciful he listens and he pardons. Love Allah and not some man who has no worry for his end, nor for yours.

    Allah knows best and may he forgive us all for our errors and sins.

    Peace sis.
    Salam to all.

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