Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He says he needs space but how long can one wait for?

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"I helped him financially... he says he needs some space."

Question:

I need some advice and even though I pray to Allah for forgiveness and ease the difficulties this is sitting through my mind a lot. I wish I could shut this out but for some reason I cannot and its affecting my work.

I got to know someone for the purpose of marriage this was the intention after having a lot of bad luck with other men. I finally think he is the one for me who spoke about a future, religion and what we would want in our marriage insha Allah. To be fair the relationship is not seen as a boyfriend/ girlfriend type.

To cut a story short he was raised from a single parent, he also is the only son and is the bread winner in the house. He went through some difficulties with his business and bills and like any caring woman I helped him out financially because he had suffered a lot through his childhood though he does not talk about it but from the way he talks he has.

Our relationship went through some difficulties where he thought I was a bit pushy but I felt it was for the right reasons so he asked for space. At one stage we were close to calling it off. In a letter he wrote to me he said if things worked out and he felt it was right insha Allah he would come for my hand in marriage. It was obvious from the start there were feelings involved and there was a mutual attraction. Even though we argued but we always found a way to work things out.

Unfortunately his mother fell ill in the beginning of this year and she died recently. I know he was very close to his mother. I have said to him that I am there to support him, help him or anything else. He knows that I care that much I would do anything for him. However he has asked for space to grieve, he does not want to talk to any one and wants to be left alone. I have to respect that however I cannot help but worry about him. I do not want to push him any more then I have to as I will lose him.

Moving on at home I am getting pressure from my parents to get married as I am getting on age wise and also one of my best friend has advised me to keep my options open and to move on as she sees that nothing is happening. This has distressed me even more as my parents do not know the truth – it is a sin to lie to them may Allah forgive me but I want to tell them insha Allah if everything was on the right path for marriage.

I really do not know what to do about him. The fact is I care so much and emotions are involved. I want this to work so badly insha Allah but he needs time to heal for the loss of his mother.

Please advise me with what I can do even though I pray and when I make dua I constantly cry asking for forgiveness and easing the situation but deep down I want this so badly but on the other hand I have to accept the reality that it was never meant to be.

- Hope

Leyla's Answer:

Salaam My Sister,

Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un, I pray for him and for her.

As the only son of a single parent family, the death of this man's mother was the death of his whole family. Naturally he needs space to be alone and grieve - he must feel awful. Just awful.

For you, there are two factors here, anxiety over getting married, and anxiety over wanting to marry this guy specifically. I think that keeping your options open would be helpful for you, as at the very least it will keep your mind occupied, thus preventing you from pursuing this man or getting desperate over him. If this man decides that he does want marriage, you can then accept whether you have other options or no - however in the meantime, hanging all of your hopes on someone who has not asked for you formally will be mental torture, and if no fruit comes from this then you will have wasted a great deal of time and emotional energy.

It is important for you to be busy and occupied to distract you from ideas of getting in touch with him - as this will only ruin your prospects and fuzz your radar - the more emotional and confused you get, the less likely you are to keep your moral compass close to you.

Generally, when a man wants to marry a woman he has no issue about contacting her, calling her family, letting her know his intentions and pushing things forward - Muslim males who have found a female they want to marry are usually quite intent on securing the woman for marriage, quick to arrange the families, quick to get a date, they will not even back down from a disgruntled mother and father who don't want him for their daughter - so if you find that you are doing all of the work to move forward and he is doing a lot of work to move backward and slow things down, then it is likely that he is not keen on marriage, and your time is better spent getting to know a man who is ready for marriage and who wants marriage within the same time frame as you.

Peace,

Leyla
IslamicAnswers.com Editor


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4 Responses »

  1. Ask this gentleman if he is serious and that you have suitors and would like to move on if it is not. if he is just grieving and needs space and after that things will be fine then okay. however, if he has played you for the money and is ignoring you, you may want to call it quits.

  2. Salaam My Sister,

    Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un, I pray for him and for her.

    As the only son of a single parent family, the death of this man's mother was the death of his whole family. Naturally he needs space to be alone and grieve - he must feel awful. Just awful.

    For you, there are two factors here, anxiety over getting married, and anxiety over wanting to marry this guy specifically. I think that keeping your options open would be helpful for you, as at the very least it will keep your mind occupied, thus preventing you from pursuing this man or getting desperate over him. If this man decides that he does want marriage, you can then accept whether you have other options or no - however in the meantime, hanging all of your hopes on someone who has not asked for you formally will be mental torture, and if no fruit comes from this then you will have wasted a great deal of time and emotional energy.

    It is important for you to be busy and occupied to distract you from ideas of getting in touch with him - as this will only ruin your prospects and fuzz your radar - the more emotional and confused you get, the less likely you are to keep your moral compass close to you.

    Generally, when a man wants to marry a woman he has no issue about contacting her, calling her family, letting her know his intentions and pushing things forward - Muslim males who have found a female they want to marry are usually quite intent on securing the woman for marriage, quick to arrange the families, quick to get a date, they will not even back down from a disgruntled mother and father who don't want him for their daughter - so if you find that you are doing all of the work to move forward and he is doing a lot of work to move backward and slow things down, then it is likely that he is not keen on marriage, and your time is better spent getting to know a man who is ready for marriage and who wants marriage within the same time frame as you.

    Peace,

    Leyla

  3. So its been a while since I have been on here and guess what a month before coming to ask for my hand in marriage he now says I will see in September? I am wasting my time or shall I just move on and try my best to block him out altogether. I am glad Ramadan is here so I can really reflect, pray to Allah and ask for a lot of forgiveness.

    • As salamu alaykum, sister hope,

      This man is still shaking after his mother´s death, Ramadan will be a time for healing for both of you, Insha´Allah. Certainly is much better to wait till September to take any decision.

      Focus on what is important now, and as you said, the important is that Ramadan is here and we can live it, Alhamdulillah.

      Ramadan Mubarak.

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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