Her parents are pressuring her to divorce me
Repent before the Day when Allah will Question you
Salaam,
Several months back, my mother pressured me to marry a girl she liked and thought would be compatible with me and who is also a doctor. At the time I already had a girlfriend who I loved dearly and she was also Muslim. However, my mother wouldn't accept her because she was not religious and too modern. She used to drink and smoke and have guy friends but said she would change after we married. I tried to convince my mother to let me marry her but she wouldn't agree and pressured me to marry the girl of her choosing. At one point I even decided to elope with my girlfriend but later changed my mind because I couldn't hurt my mother. With no choice left, I married the girl of her choosing. I just couldn't accept the marriage nor her. My wife was really kind and gentle. She was really loved by my mother. However, I still loved my girlfriend and as a result I have acted harsh towards my wife and refused to talk to her. I tried to avoid her as much as I can. One day, she demanded why I was behaving this way towards her and expressed her frustration of not being loved. She kept asking if there is anything wrong with her. This made me really mad to a point where I shouted at her and told her the truth of my girlfriend and how I still love her and how I can't accept her, my wife. I have also said other harsh things like how I hate her and that she ruined my life. I even wished that she would die. After hearing this she became quite and left the room. At that time I didn't feel any guilt for what I said and thought I did the right thing but who knew later I would regret all those words I have said to her that day. A few weeks after our first argument, I moved out of the house and started living with my girlfriend. This time I didn't even listen to my mother who tried to stop me from leaving. My wife remained quiet and didn't say anything.
At the time I felt moving out was the best decision I've ever made. My girlfriend and I were happy. We have lived together for about 4 months. After awhile I decided to prepare to divorce my wife so I can marry my girlfriend. I even talked to a lawyer and everything was ready. However, it was then that I discovered that my girlfriend was cheating on me and that I started to regret my past decisions. I felt horribly guilty. I broke up with my girlfriend and decided to withdraw my divorce case. I returned home and my mother was reluctant at first to let me back in the house. My wife wasn't home at the time because she left to go to a medical conference and was going to be back after a week. During this time, I apologized to my mother and cried to her for forgiveness and all she said is that I don't deserve to be forgiven and only if my wife forgives me, she too will forgive me.
After a week, my wife returned. This is the first time I have seen her after like 5-6 months. Her appearance has completely changed. She now wears makeup and high heels as well as western dresses. She has become more attractive looking. When she saw me she didn't speak to me nor make eye contact with me. Her behavior towards me has completely changed. When I confronted my mother about her new appearance, my mother said that the day I left her she became a free woman and can do whatever she pleases and my mother completely supports her. My mother went on to say that she pressured my wife to divorce me and move on but she didn't because of my mother's sake because she would be left alone with no one to take care of her. I felt horribly guilty and didn't have the face to face my wife. Her parents don't even know what I did. She has been lying to them saying that she is happy even though at the time I wasn't even living with her. I felt so guilty and started trying to make things right. I told her I'm sorry for what I've done and to forgive me and start over again. At first she tried to ignore me but then said that I shouldn't be sorry because I didn't do anything wrong, I was just in love with someone. She also said that she feels sorry for ruining my life and thinks what happened for the best and thanks Allah that she didn't fall too much in love with me, then she left the room. I kept apologizing and even cried for forgiveness but she kept saying its not my fault, its hers.
To make matters worse, a cousin of my wife's of came to visit her and live with us for a week and later told her parents that my wife seemed miserable and unhappy but she didn't know what happened. My in laws called my mother and demanded to know everything and my mother ended up telling them everything. My in laws now are pressuring my wife to divorce me and marry one of her colleagues/med school classmates who had in the past sent a proposal to her house but by then her marriage was already fixed with me. This guy still wants to marry her and is willing to wait for us to divorce. However, my wife has told her parents that she is not interested. My wife still has an opportunity to start a new life with him because during our whole marriage we haven't consummated and she is still a virgin. But I don't want to lose her. I want to start over with her and repent for the way I have treated her. I tried to be intimate with her by hugging her or trying to kiss her but she ignores me then pushes me away. One time she even slapped me in the face because I sort of misbehaved with her by trying to force myself on her, which I know was wrong. She slapped me and expressed all her hate and anger at me and said that she feels disgusted when I touch her and wants me to leave her alone. She even says that she can't get herself to accept me back because "I have become someone else's." One thing that hurt me the most that it brought tears to my eyes is when she said that she sometimes wishes to die and feels guilt for coming into my life.
I feel hurt and more importantly I feel guilty that I hurt an innocent woman who did nothing wrong and only wanted my love. I feel guilty and selfish for never giving her a chance or even taking time to look at her. Her parents keep pressuring her for divorce and now want to make her go bac to their house. I don't know what to do. I am willing to do anything to have her come back to me. I need advice on what to do to win her heart again.
I have also tried talking to her parents and apologizing but they refuse to listen to me and keep saying that I took advantage of their daughter and ruined her life and that she deserves better than me. She doesn't need a man like me in her life and they regret getting her married to me and instead should've let her focus on her career like she wanted to. They also cursed me, swore at me and said that I deserve to suffer. They threatened to forcefully take her away from me and if its necessary to keep her locked up in their house if they have to in order to erase me from her life. They are willing to keep their daughter single for the rest of her life instead of letting her be with a scoundrel like me. Can parents really have the rights to do that and control their daughter's life like this? She is an adult, I don't believe they have that power anymore to forcefully take their daughter away from me unless its her choice.
As of now, my wife and I sleep in the same room but she refuses to sleep close to me and puts a pillow barrier between us so we don't touch accidentally. She even refuses to eat with me. When we sit down to eat, she takes her food and eats in our bedroom while watching movies in her laptop or tablet. I feel like I'm being segregated. She moved all her clothes from our wardrobe that had both of our clothes and put them in another wardrobe. She comes home late from the hospital and goes bac really early that I wake up in bed to find that shes gone. She tries to avoid me as much as she can. Whenever I do see her which is on her day off, she is either praying, cooking, talking to my mother, or on the computer doing work. She doesn't like talking to me. Every time I try to talk to her she makes excuses to avoid me. Whenever we do talk she says shes really busy and to make it fast. Our conversations last approximately 10 minutes.
Recently, I suggested to give me a second chance and to have a baby thinking maybe having a baby will bring us closer but she says that theres no point, the baby will be neglected and its life will be ruined. I don't know what she meant by this but I feel that she is thinking about listening to her parents words and divorcing me. I have honestly come to a point where I can't live without her. I would rather die then not have her in my life. I want to be with her and I even vowed that I will never look at another woman again as long as she is in my life and til our death. Please help me. I know I did horrible things but what can I do to fix this? I really have fallen in love with her and now I feel like I am experiencing the pain she experienced when I had left her and neglected her. I know I have done something horrible. I am extremely guilty and after reading this it is obvious you will think that I got what I deserved and I agree this is what I deserve, but now I want to fix it and I am willing to do whatever it takes to repent and make things right.
zk
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Assalam alaykum my brother.. dont be sad and come close to allah and make dua, insha allah everything will be ok.. dont miss salah.
Assalam alaikum,
Words are like knives and sometimes even swords.
I suggest that you take your focus off of your girlfriend, your wife, or anyone and focus on yourself for a minute. You know that if you didn't marry this girl, your mother would have made you marry some other girl--so, no, your wife didn't ruin your life, but you played the main role in arriving at the moment you are in.
You need to do some serious soul-searching. One minute you wanted your girlfriend, then you listened to your mom, then you ran off to your girlfriend and after facing rejection, you came running home and then suddenly fell in love with your wife. Now this last part, you say, you really love your wife. Frankly, I don't think so. I think you are still just like a rolling pin going with the moment with not much in conviction.
What on earth is love? How about having some mercy in this love? How about telling your wife that you were not only wrong, but that you are willing to listen to her and give her space and that you will respect her decision? After all, you told her that you wished she would die. Do people recover from that? You also tried to force yourself on her after being intimate and committing zina both before and during marriage....I am sorry, but you don't seem broken, but rather, you seem like a soul on a rampage to get whatever makes you feel good and cures your loneliness. Where are your beliefs brother? Stop acting out on your emotions, your needs, your desires, your wants, your your your....That isn't marriage, it's just your fantasy world.
You need to start listening and giving space. Frankly, if you wife wants to go, then you really can't blame her--but if you really want to hold on to her, you won't do it by trying to grip her--How about meeting with her parents and apologizing for your behaviour? How about offering to cooperate and letting them know your intention of fixing the matter?
So far, you worked on a timelines of your own as you continued to do what you want, but when you wanted to reverse the clock and bring back your kind and loving wife, your timeline is gone. Why should she trust that you won't say those hurtful words again? Why should she put faith in you that you won't leave the house, against your mother's wishes and hers, to live with a woman who is no relation to you--and you only came back because your girlfriend had moved on--even there, you said she cheated on you, yet you fail to see that you married someone else--what was she supposed to do? I think that you are very self-absorbed Brother.
Dear Brother, it is time to heal and sometimes healing hurts more than the creation of wounds. You have to clean all the deep cuts that you made in others and in yourself. You have to stitch the relations that you so mercilessly destroyed with no guilt as you said. It is going to take time. It takes years to build relationships of trust and love, but just a moment in time can destroy it all--that's fragility---we have to respect the fragility of our relationships and care for them accordingly.
Also, please stop being so determined on getting what you want and that too now--learn to be quiet and listen to what others want and don't impose yourself on to others--at one time, you didn't want the relationship and would hear nothing--and now, you are shocked when your wife doesn't want the relationship and will hear nothing--here you see your actions of the past being reflected in the future.
Furthermore, your first and foremost focus should be seeking Allahs swt's forgiveness. If you focus your attention and energy there and cry to Allah swt, surely He will help you. Change your ways. Be sincere. Shift your focus away from what you want. Listen to others. Ask for forgiveness again. Don't be focused on the end result of what you will get, but rather learn from what is happening right now. Forgive everyone, EVERYONE. Forgive yourself. Take responsibility for all of your mistakes especially by realizing the hurt caused by all of your words. Reach out to your wife's father and mother and apologize for your transgressions.
May Allah swt ease your pain and I pray that Allah swt solve your problem in the best way possible for both you and your wife, Ameen, thummah Ameen.
Assalamoalaikum , in your whole story I didn't see any guilt for commiting zina with your girl friend despite being married to your wife ..you are mainly upset because your girl friend cheated on you and not because you have done wrong here ...I think it's time for you to change yourself ,come closer to allah and learn more about Islam .what if your girl friend had not cheated you would have continued same life style ? I honestly belive if your wife has decided to leave you then you should respect her decision and let her go as she needs better person than you ...I will suggest you to take this experience to come closer to allah and continue your future life in halal way ...repent for all wrong things you have done here ..
OP:After a week, my wife returned. This is the first time I have seen her after like 5-6 months. Her appearance has completely changed. She now wears makeup and high heels as well as western dresses. She has become more attractive looking. When she saw me she didn't speak to me nor make eye contact with me. Her behavior towards me has completely changed. When I confronted my mother about her new appearance, my mother said that the day I left her she became a free woman and can do whatever she pleases and my mother completely supports her.
-You sure this isn't the reason your suddenly in love with her?
-If it isn't then saying sorry may not be enough , you have already tried that and it doesn't seem to be doing you any good.
-Actions speak louder then words , so you may have to show her your sorry. Some suggestions would be: come back early and do the cooking, and cleaning.
-Ask her if she needs help doing any chore, if she says no , don't ask again and find another way to help.
-Ask her everyday how her day went, but don't try to seem desperate for a conversation (give her space).
-Sleep on the couch or something since it seems like she doesn't want you in the same bed.
-Bring her a gift , every now and then but if she refuses it then don't try pressuring her to accept it, just bring another gift a few days later.
-Keep away from the hugging and petting part or whatever it is grown ups do after marriage. (unless the day comes where she approaches you for it)
-Take her out to dinner , bring her breakfast in bed, or something of the similar nature
-If you want her back , you wont achieve anything by being emotional , you need to keep your space and at the same time show that your no longer who you used to be
-After you have done everything to the best of your ability and she still wants divorce , then let her know that you appreciate everything shes done for you and your mother, furthermore that it upsets you to see her go. But if she really wants to then you will respect her wishes and let her go (don't start crying , in front of her it wont work)
-Your situation may seem hard at the moment but with the right steps and a lot of patience it can be fixed. Also note that if she really wanted to leave you she would of , but she hasn't so there is still hope, but do try to cut out the "I cant live without her ideology"
-What separates a human from an animal is the fact humans are sympathetic , understanding and compassionate, that being said with a lot of hard work on your part you may be able to win her back.
-Although I have no experience or speak from experience in regards to delicate matters like this , I don't think that its impossible for you to turn the tables and make your situation better.
(Keep on repenting for your previous gf) and keep your vow to never look at another women again not only for the sake of your wife but for the sake of yourself and the hereafter
As Salaam Alaikum Wa Rahmatullah,
May Allah accept from all of us this Ramadan and may he make us come out of it with enough eeman to last lifetime and to enter Jannah.
I have some questions for you, in all humbleness, with politeness, and humility. Please answer those to yourself
1. Have you fasted this Ramadan
2. Have you been offering your salat on time
3. Do you work, and do you make/save enough money to be able to go for Hajj/Omrah
4. You said, you have apologized to your wife, and to your mother, have to apologized to Allah ? Have you sought forgiveness from Allah ?
5. You mention her parents are pressurizing her to divorce you, would you for a moment imagine if something similar were to happen to your sister or to your mother (May Allah protect them both and grant them happiness), What would you do in such a situation ?
6. You have committed Zina while you were married, I am not a scholar of Fiqh to tell you what is the exact punishment if you did Zina while your marriage wasn't consummated but the punishment is being stoned to death for a person who confesses that sin ... Do you realize the seriousness of this sin.
Now after you do ask all the above questions
You first need to cry, to repent, to sincerely return to none other than Allah. Maybe you are 24-25 or 30, lets say on an average you have 30 more years of life left. Forget about wife and life, seriously ponder over the next life, you will have to answer to Allah, about your actions. About hurting your wife, which in itself was a big mistake, about letting your mother down, which is also a very big mistake, but first because you have moved far away from Allah, by having a haraam pre marital relationship, then an extra marital relationship, may Allah forbid, culminating in Zina.
Seek repentance brother. Remember, you will truly have repented when you feel that you want to cry for Allah to forgive you, you keep doing good deeds but question yourself everytime if they were accepted. You do not want to repent to your wife to get her back but apologize coz you keep feeling the pain for having hurt her in the worst of ways. You just feel like crying every time you see your mother coz you let her down. You do not apologize to them to get them in your life but you always apologize to them due to the realization of your mistake. If you sincerely repent to Allah, In Shaa Allah that moment will come.
In Shaa Allah when that moment comes when you do sincerely repent to Allah, you will feel Ridha (Contentment) in your heart, you will continue to still apologize to the people whom you have hurt knowing that you don't care if they don't give you a second chance, but you do care if they don't forgive you. It is not easy but there are ways to achieve that
1. Perfect Khushoo in your salat, focus, and concentration. In Shaa Allah the day you can cry to Allah out of love and your mistake at 2-3AM in the night when no one else is watching, then you know that you are returning to Allah.
2. When you deprive yourself of all monetary/financial luxuries to save money for Hajj/Omrah just to go a seek forgiveness for your sin, then you know that you are returning to Allah.
3. When you humble yourself in front of your wife, begging her for her forgiveness not to let you back but just to forgive you, then you know you have forgiveness from Allah.
4. When you serve your mother even if it meant wanting to move a mountain for her forgiveness then you know you have forgiveness from Allah
5. When you fast on Mondays and Thursdays, on 13th,14th, and 15 of every lunar month then you know you have forgiveness from Allah.
6. When you ask Allah with a true heart to give you death, only at that moment when he is pleased with you, in that moment when you are in sujood, or reciting the Quran, or Fasting, or performing Hajj or Omrah, or serving your mother, then you know that you have forgiveness from Allah.
What is mentioned above is not easy, but then the sin you committed wasn't small either, so medication is going to be a bit tough as well. Let this be a reminder to everyone about the seriousness of the sin of Zina, just a few moments of haraam pleasure, what it can put you through.
The moment you realize how grave the sin was, then you know that you are on the path of repentance. May Allah make you among those who repent sincerely, those who then do good and righteous deeds, then In Shaa Allah, Allah will replace your bad deeds with good deeds and grant you jannah.
May Allah also give ease to your wife, and your mother, I do feel very bad for them, knowing how bad they would have felt. Start repenting like yesterday, until you get to that state when you fear punishment from Allah, but then have the feeling of hope in the mercy of Allah, that you would forgive you.
if im not mistaken zina means sex before marriage or outside of marriage , although this man has had a gf where does he state that he had sex with his gf
"may Allah forbid, culminating in Zina." -- based on the article from the brother, and especially him living with his GF even after marriage, I feel he means the final act of Zina which is intercourse. However, assuming good towards the brother I have written "May Allah forbid, culminating in Zina". I am hoping he did not do the final act of Zina. That said, Zina has various levels, which includes the Zina of the eyes, hands, legs, and the final act of Zina that is confirmed by the private parts, as per a hadeeth.
I still hope from the bottom of my heart he did not do the final act of Zina.
Also, I generally like to give polite reminders, but my understanding from his message is that he is more concerned about getting his wife back rather than repenting for his sin. Sometime we all need a little push, a jab if I call it that way, or a stern reminder, and I hope he does understand the seriousness of his mistake.
Wa As Salaam Alaikum,
Abdullah
Brother,
From my own perspective as a woman and a mother, there is absolutely nothing you could do to make things right for your disgusting and despicable behavior. For a moment, let us turn the tables here and just imagine if it was your wife who married you however, had a lover on the side. Imagine your wife leaves you to live with her lover. Of course that was after she said some horrible things to you that you did not deserve. After four months, your wife finds her lover cheating on her. Your wife comes back home to you and now wants to make things right with you. Mind you she only came back because her lover was cheating on her. How convenient. Would you for a moment accept that from her? Would you allow her back into your home? You and I already know the answer to that.
Personally, I think you have scarred this woman for life and nothing you could ever do or say could ever make things right. The only reason I can think that she has stayed at your place is to avoid having to go back home and live with her parents. You are lucky that she even allows you in the same bed because your place should be on the sofa. In my honest and humble opinion, you don't deserve this woman...not now, not ever. Nothing you can do or say can erase what you put her through. You put her through hell and you walked away and left her, never once considering her and her feelings. You committed adultery for four months and now you want your wife to come to your bed?! Seriously?! You have the audacity to touch her and want to be intimate with her...now?! After what?! If she was my daughter, I too would want her to come home and I would most definitely want her to end things with you. She deserves way better than what you did to her and honestly, nothing you can do or say can change what happened. Words like, "I'm sorry" just don't cut it.
My comment is in no way meant to hurt you or belittle you, however just thinking of what you put this girl through makes me livid. If I could, I would help her pack her bags and drive her home myself.
Salam
I agree with you fully .
Well said, I agree.
Although I believe everyone deserves a second change, I agree with you.
Well put sister Najah. So that he can improve his situation, I just want to make some things clear for the OP:
You do not love this woman. Love is something that begins as spiritual affinity and then develops overtime. It is not an infatuation or attraction like what you have described.
If I knew this woman I would ask her not to beautify herself in front of you. If she did not do this it would better help both of you test you and your new-found liking for her. But she probably already has your number as far as that is concerned, and is only trying get revenge. It's definitely working.
I think you are repentant because you are uncomfortable, you are not repentant because what you did was wrong. You need to understand yourself if you want to move on from here. Progress is not getting in touch with her, it is getting in touch with yourself and understanding yourself, so that you can improve. This spiritual battle is going to be yours alone, and nothing will be achieved by settling things with her again. You will just get bored after your conquest is made - the fact that she is playing ungettable is making you want her more.
Wait, you are not even repentant yet:
"I am willing to do whatever it takes to repent and make things right."
You still don't understand that what you did was morally unacceptable, and what the consequences of this could be, if not in this life then in the afterlife. Throughout this narrative you have sought your own comfort and your own pleasure. You even 'want' to repent so that you can secure worldly comfort and worldly pleasure. This selfishness is what you need to recognize in yourself and get rid of, or it will poison your life.
Sister Najah really made me realize the sexist aspect of a situation like this. Reverse genders and good Lord! No redemption or second chance possible for the woman with her spouse or in the eyes of society. You would have kicked your wife to the curb if she had been the one who did this. Girls are so easily labelled 'characterless'; not even the men who lead them on suffer ill repute. Not to mention the number of ways there are of insulting a woman for being sexually promiscuous in the English language. Why is there no demeaning word for men who are promiscuous? This is a very serious problem.
Using the idea of a baby to manipulate her in order to get what you want is also wrong; you have to exist for your babies, babies don't have to exist so that you can get whatever you want. Women and babies are human beings you have to give up your life for. Especially children! This startled me, you need to mature before you can take on the responsibilities of married life. At the end of the day, marriage is all about responsibilities. It is not like having a girlfriend! It is a partnership, it makes you responsible and grounded, and makes it easier for you to satisfy your needs so you can accomplish bigger things in life. These needs and pleasures are not the purpose of your existence. A woman cannot and should not be the purpose of your existence. I do not think that you are ready for a real marriage. A married man needs to be extremely selfless by nature of his position and you're not there yet. And your spouse will not make you a good husband depending on her merits, you will have to choose to be a good husband, and a good man.
You both need to divorce and move on with your lives - this is not how marriages are supposed to work. She will not patch up with you unless she really deceives herself. Your relationship will be flimsy and hollow at best. Trust is the MOST important thing when committing to someone. To leave won't be an easy decision for her as she has already settled into this new home and found a friend in your mom. She has no such guarantees in the house she would have to move into if she re-married. This is probably part of the reason why she is staying. The situation however is not sustainable, and she should realize this. You do not really love her, and she no longer trusts you; rightly, because you have not changed. You don't even know what is really wrong with you and what it is you need to change about yourself.
I think you need to take some time away from her. Think about yourself, think about her before she became so fashionable and so out of your reach. When you are no longer blinded by your desire you will be able to map out your feelings and future more clearly. Come back and have an honest talk with her. Try not to be swayed by her appearance. Even ask your mom to ask her to dress down before you sit down to talk to her. I don't know how you could manage that, but it seems very important that she should look ordinary for you to maintain a rational temperament. A lot of delicate but important things have been upset in your relationship, and I think you will realize that it is not possible to start all over again, at least not soon, if ever. Move on, and work on yourself. Her presence is only confusing you.
The principal people in this story have all been highly educated. I want to round this off by saying that education is of no use if it cannot stop a person from being self-centered and occupied with mere appearances. It is of no use if it cannot teach a person to appreciate the beauty of a woman's soul, rather than her painted and powdered exterior. It is of no use if it does not teach someone the difference between right and wrong, instructing them instead to be self-indulgent and to manufacture intellectual-sounding justifications for inherently selfish behaviour.
If you can recognize your inner demon, your nafs which is creating all this chaos in your life, and decide to battle it, you will emerge from the struggle a better man, a better human being, a better Muslim. This is what Islam is all about actually; fighting your nafs and learning to live for others. Because God dwells in the hearts of other people. You must learn to become a protector of the hearts of the people around you.
I hope you read this even though it is posted late, and I hope that what I have said somehow benefits you, based as it is on my personal knowledge and experience.
Salam and good luck.
Fantastic reply. Thank you for taking the time to write this. I found your message very beneficial.
wouldn't living with your gf while being married be considered cheating instead of zina, as zina means unlawful sex
What do you think he was doing for the four months he was living with his gf ? Playing ping pong ?
what are you some kind of wizard who can envision things? or someone with a gifted foresight? don't assume things unless its specifically mentioned
Dear brother,
What you are saying is right, we shouldn't make assumptions.
But I think you are too naive if you think that a man and a woman who love each other and live in the same house for 4 months haven't had sex.
And the point regarding Zina. Please ask someone who has knowledge about Islam, like an Islamic Scholar or an Imam about the description and definition of Zina.
There are various levels of Zina. And all of them are haram and we should repent from it immediately.
If we look at a non mehram woman, it is Zina.
If we touch a non mehram woman, it is Zina.
If we have sex with a non mehram woman, it is Zina.
And maybe there are other types of Zina too. Please research about it.
The point you are making that him living with his gf when they are not married is not Zina is wrong.
If they are not married and they are living together then it is considered Zina and it doesn't matter if they have done unlawful sex or not, Still it is Zina.
May Allah give you more knowledge about Islam.
Asif:What you are saying is right, we shouldn't make assumptions.
Asif:But I think you are too naive if you think that a man and a woman who love each other and live in the same house for 4 months haven't had sex.
-You acknowledge that we shouldn't assume but then in your second point you go ahead and continue assuming, How hypocritical of you.
Asif:And the point regarding Zina. Please ask someone who has knowledge about Islam, like an Islamic Scholar or an Imam about the description and definition of Zina
-Thank you for the suggestion , but I would rather ask a imam or scholar about more important things that may actually benefit me in the future.
Asif:If we look at a non mehram woman, it is Zina.
If we touch a non mehram woman, it is Zina.
If we have sex with a non mehram woman, it is Zina
-Sir your statements shouldn't include the word women you should rather use the words "opposite gender" because when you put it this way it makes it look like only man commit zina
Asif:The point you are making that him living with his gf when they are not married is not Zina is wrong.
-What point was I making? I originally had asked this:
wouldn't living with your gf while being married be considered cheating instead of zina, as zina means unlawful sex
-It was rather a question but because I forgot to put a question mark after it you took it for a statement when that wasn't the case (see why we shouldn't assume things , its the mother of all mess ups)
Asif:May Allah give you more knowledge about Islam.
-Jazakallah , may Allah give you more knowledge about islam too.
Dear Brother,
Let's come to the point and deal with your question.
wouldn't living with your gf while being married be considered cheating instead of zina, as zina means unlawful sex
Living with gf while being married is considered both Cheating and Zina.
Zina doesn't just include unlawful sex. It also includes touch, sight and talk among other things.
Thank you for the info
Aslaamualaykhum.
First of all, Eid Mubarak to you brother, your wife, family and same to everyone else on this website.
Second of all, I'm going to be honest brother. If that was my daughter that you had married and you had treated her like that, I would've forced her myself to leave you and come back to my house. Normally, it angers me when I see people, women on this website especially, who give a lack of sympathy for men but this time, in your case I don't know what to say.
How could you have said that SHE ruined your life when, logically and objectively speaking, it was YOU who ruined her. Your mother didn't put a gun to your head and threaten to end your life if you didn't marry this woman, did she? This woman who you married, according to you, was kind and gentle. You, on the other hand, was harsh and verbally abusive - so tell me, who ruined who's life?
Thirdly, from what you've written, all I can sense is that the only reason why you came back to your wife is because you found out that your girlfriend was cheating on you. To be honest, I think your girlfriend cheating on you is you getting your just dues from Allah for the way you treated this woman.
You move out, away from your wife and move in with another woman. Although it doesn't explicitly say, I assume you moving in with her meant to that you also had sex with her. It that is the case then you have also cheated on your wife which is disgusting and horrible.
How would you feel if your wife only married you to please her own mother, was verbally abusive to you, had a boyfriend on the side and then moved in with him. And then, came to you only AFTER finding out he cheated on her?! You'd throw her to the curb, I bet!
I'm surprised she hasn't told her family about this, which I think for your safety would be good because I'm willing to bet that if her father or brothers found out what you had done they would probably put you in hospital.
You get no sympathy from me - you're only back to her because you found out your "girlfriend" cheated on you. If she has any sense, she will divorce and leave you. The only positive thing I can think of for YOU would be to reflect upon this situation and promise yourself and Allah you will not commit these disgusting mistakes again.
Salaam brother,
First of all, repent to Allah and keep repenting everyday for the rest of your life. (As we should all).
Make dua to Allah to guide you and show the path you should take.
Your situation seems to be very bad, but if you are willing to persevere then I would like to recommend some books,
Married Man Sex Life Primer
His Needs Her Needs
Try to read the tips in those books and try to implement it.
Also keep making taubah and make dua to briing you both back together.
May Allah guide you in the best path.
Assalamalaikum,
So, I'm new to this whole advice giving thing but I will try my best. If I offend anyone in any way or say something wrong, please do correct me.
Brother, after reading about ur situation I have been left speechless. What you have done is truly jus utterly horrible and disgusting. No woman deserves to be treated the way you have treated ur wife. However, I am glad to hear that you wish to repent and make things right but at the same time I also question ur present feelings of "truly loving her." I question whether you truly love ur wife now or are you desperate to get back with her because ur girlfriend cheated on you and need another means of forgetting her and moving on? If the case is that you truly love ur wife now and realized what horrible act you have done then I pray that Allah forgives you and that eventually you will be able to win back ur wife's heart. However, if your intentions are ill and the only reason you want to get back with her is to forget ur girlfriend and move on then I advise you to divorce ur wife and let her move on with her life because once again you will be committing another mistake by toying with her emotions only for her to later find out that your never loved her and instead used her as jus a doll to forget ur girlfriend. You say you love ur wife, are you sure it isn't lust due to her sudden change in appearance?
To be honest, I really don't think that there is anything you can do to make things right. Usually, I would be one of those people who say depending on the action committed that the person should be given another chance but for you I really am unable to find any sympathy for you and instead I feel really bad for your wife.
You mentioned that your wife is a doctor. A doctor is a person who cares for their patients and does everything in their ability to see to it that the patient is well and stays well. Not only is ur wife a pious muslimah but to others she is a gift for saving the lives of their loved ones and ensuring their good health. You should've been thankful for such a spouse but it is unfortunate that you were unable to realize how lucky you were and instead neglected and hurt her. Do you know how many men are out there that would've fought for a woman like your wife to have as their own wife? Honestly, I think ur wife is better off with her colleague/med school classmate because it seems that he truly has feelings for her something that you never had for her or else why is he willing to still wait for her?
You have also mentioned that ur mother supports ur wife and tried to talk her into divorcing you during ur time of absence. Personally, I believe ur mother should be praised and saluted. I hear alot of stories about mother-in-laws who always take their sons' sides and neglect the daughter-in-laws. Your mother is different from them all. Not only did she encourage ur wife to move on and focus on her career but she also tried to get ur wife to permanently end it with you because she values what her life was worth unlike you who didn't. I pray that ur mother remains in good health and that there be more mother-in-laws out there like her who treat their daughter-in-laws like their own daughters instead of treating them like outsiders.
You mentioned that you loved this muslim girl (ur ex-girlfriend). She use to smoke, drink, and have guy friends. Brother, how could you love a girl like that? From what I read about ur mother, it seems you were raised in a religious household. Despite being raised in such a household, how could you have fallen in love with a girl who is the complete opposite? You also mentioned that she said she would change after marriage. Lets be honest here, did you really believe she would change looking at her lifestyle? One cannot jus instantly change and adjust to another lifestyle from the one that they are used to. Its like putting someone from the US who is American to China where the culture and language is totally different and they have to adjust to it right away. No one can do that. Yes it takes time but you also have to be aware of if they actually can do it. From what I read about ur girlfriend, I doubt she would've been changed after marriage. I don't mean to judge but we all have seen what happened: she ended up cheating on you. There are some people out there that jus by looking at their lifestyle you can predict what can happen.
You say ur wife is ignoring you and refuses to be intimate with you and that she tries to avoid you as much as possible. You also mentioned that whenever you say sorry she says that its not ur fault but hers. What is the reason for this? The reason for this is because you have put her through so much pain that she is barely holding on. You blamed her for ruining your life and perhaps now she is actually starting to feel guilty for something she didn't do. Brother, you have not only said hurtful words to her, cheated on her by moving in with another woman and committing zina with her, but you wished death upon ur wife. No one can recover from that! What did she do to deserve this? Was her biggest mistake marrying a man like you? Just think about how you would feel if someone wished death upon you.
In our culture, every woman is taught to love her husband and no one else after marriage. In return, they expect their husband's love. Your wife perhaps truly did love you brother. However the things you have said to her and the actions you have committed, has shattered her and scarred her for life. The reason she doesn't want to be intimate with you is perhaps because she can't accept the fact that you made love to another woman than her. That is sort of a shame and embarrassment to a woman but also disrespect that their husband touched another woman than her. Your wife truly is a strong willed woman and I am surprised that after everything you have put her through, how she is still able to stand on her two feet.
As for her parents, they are right. Their daughter deserves way better than you. I believe that they have every right to pressure her to divorce you. Like the above comments state, you are lucky that she hasn't told her parents of what you did or you truly would've ended up in the hospital.
There is one more thing I would like to say: after all you have done, in what mind sense can you suggest of having a baby? Do you really think that she will let you touch her after everything? Why would she want to have a baby with you? What guarantee is there that you won't leave her again this time with the baby if ur ex girlfriend comes back to you? Please think before you speak and use some common sense.
For your situation, all I can say is try to win her heart again if you truly love her and intent to spend the rest of your life with her. If not, then please let this innocent woman move on with her life. The same goes for if she asks for a divorce then grant it to her and wish her the best because its what she deserves.