Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He’s already married, can I accept his proposal?

proposal,couple

Good day! I met a Muslim Arab guy while I was working in Middle East. He was persuasive,caring ..etc. the big problem is he is married with kids. I was once married long way back so I understand that it's will be difficult for his family regarding me to be in their lives. He said he is not in intimate relationship with his wife and only thru civil treatment they have.

I find what I'm doing is wrong (basing my religion, culture) he explained to me about women in Islam laws and that he is allowed to marry. Yes he asked few times for marriage but I do not know exactly what to say. I do want to keep him but my family does not approve with what I'm doing even my religion and also I do not want that his kids will not respect him in general for what he might do (marrying a non Muslim, non Arab). I seemed out of words on how to explain things.

Jena


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7 Responses »

  1. salam.Those who create mischief and spread evil on earth and disobey the commandments of Allah and his messenger .Watch out! these people are cursed and terrible punishment awaits them.Fix your foundation.Today the great ulema say that less then 5% of muslims pray salah in the world and out of that 5% only 2% or less pray with concentration and devotion! To marry a non muslim is haram.Besides that he just wants to pork you

  2. This is an excerpt from the article I found at quranicpath.com.

    "No where in the Qur'an is it allowed to marry more than one wife for personal satisfaction. The verse regarding polygamy is set in the clear context of taking care of orphaned children. It specifies the only reasoning behind marriage to more than one woman:

    Surah 4 - An-Nisa (Women), Verses 1 to 4

    يَا أَيُّهَا النَّاسُ اتَّقُوا رَبَّكُمُ الَّذِي خَلَقَكُمْ مِنْ نَفْسٍ وَاحِدَةٍ وَخَلَقَ مِنْهَا زَوْجَهَا وَبَثَّ مِنْهُمَا رِجَالا كَثِيرًا وَنِسَاءً وَاتَّقُوا اللَّهَ الَّذِي تَسَاءَلُونَ بِهِ وَالأَرْحَامَ إِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ عَلَيْكُمْ رَقِيبًا
    "People, be mindful of your Lord, who created you from a single soul, and from it created its mate and from the pair of them spread countless men and women. Be mindful of Allah, in whose name you ask one another of what is in the womb,
    Allah is always watching over you". (4:1)

    وَآتُوا الْيَتَامَى أَمْوَالَهُمْ وَلا تَتَبَدَّلُوا الْخَبِيثَ بِالطَّيِّبِ وَلا تَأْكُلُوا أَمْوَالَهُمْ إِلَى أَمْوَالِكُمْ إِنَّهُ كَانَ حُوبًا كَبِيرًا
    "Give orphans their property, do not replace their good things with the bad, and do not consume their property with your own. That is a serious crime". (4:2)

    وَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ أَلا تُقْسِطُوا فِي الْيَتَامَى فَانْكِحُوا مَا طَابَ لَكُمْ مِنَ النِّسَاءِ مَثْنَى وَثُلاثَ وَرُبَاعَ فَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ أَلا تَعْدِلُوا فَوَاحِدَةً أَوْ مَا مَلَكَتْ أَيْمَانُكُمْ ذَلِكَ أَدْنَى أَلا تَعُولُوا
    "If you fear that you will not be just/equitable to the orphans, then marry as permissible for you, women, two, three or four. But if you fear you will not be equitable, then one or to whom you are committed to by oath. That is better so that you
    do not deviate from the right course". (4:3)

    Firstly, the verse of 'polygamy' is clearly embedded within the context of taking care of orphans. Where 4:3 is the 'verse of polygamy', the issue of orphaned children starts from 4:2.

    Secondly, reading 4:3, we notice the verse begins by laying a clear condition, "If you fear that you will not be just/equitable to the orphans, then marry...". The underlined word "then" is the translation for the word "fa / ف". This term used to mean "in that case / so / then" is connecting the two portion of marrying more than one woman, and being more equitable to orphans, in a conditional manner. Even to an un-trained reader, it is very obvious to notice that Allah is stating here that the verse is 'permitting' another marriage only in order to be more "just / equitable" to orphaned children, in other words, to take care of orphaned children better. Orphaned children who have lost their father need care when their widowed mother is unable to provide for them. How can marrying again solve the problem of helpless orphaned children who are not provided for (e.g. food and shelter)? Ofcourse, it is by marriage to the widowed mother to whom the orphans belong to - who is also in need of provision."

    Source: http://www.quranicpath.com/misconceptions/polygamy_islam.html Please read the entire article, I just only gave a basic excerpt from that article to point out that polygamy is clearly for taking care of orphaned children. You can take a look at the website too 🙂

    • Thanks for posting that, can you clear something up for me please?

      Why does Allah say "as permissible for you" in 4:3? Why not just say if orphans then marry up to four? The other question I have is that I'm finding some people arguing that you can actually marry the orphan, is that correct? Also, what about divorced women whose ex husband is alive, are they exempt from this protection and should they be told "Well, he's divorced and not fulfilling your rights, not dead so no polygamous marriage for you, good luck with the single muslims"?

      Lastly, I don't see the verse saying to marry the orphan's mother. What if that orphan has no mother? Do you then kick that orphan out of the family if you can't support them so you can get an orphan with a widow?

      I'm not asking these as rhetorical questions, I actually want answers. The evidence currently points to marrying up to four as being valid. I think the case brought up by that site makes sense but then there are so many other cases where it doesn't. But I'd like to know, maybe there is good reasoning behind the other cases that I'm missing.

  3. Dear Jena,
    I do understand you.
    Yes, it's allowed to a moslem man marrying max. 4 woman with couple of big notes.

    The main idea: that all family member is one team whose working together building a succesful family.

    You will caring his kids and the earlier wife caring your kids. You all (you and the earlier wife under the command of him) work together passing problematics come through to the family and sharing the daily Household task.

    Many scholars said that it doesn't need permit from the earlier wife.
    But, it's HIGHLY RECOMMENDED to ask the permition of the earlier wife and kids.

    Since, you will be a new team member in their group - I highly recommended you both party to meet each other and get to know each other (you and the earlier wife meet each other).
    You can ask her directly during the meeting if she welcoming you to their group.

    you can also ask her - what is the character of his man.
    Because he has to be able to be fair. You can't deny that there is a potentially problem appears between you and the wife, or you both kids, or you and her kids and otherway around, so he need to be able to be a fair Judge.

    if he has an older kids (for examp: 7th and older), you need to met her/him aswell, and ask the permition to caring her/him.

    Actually, it's not you who supposed to ask the permition. But, since many moslem misapplying it, so it's better you - who ask them directly.

    Other, read a lot of Poligamy in Islam.

    Poligamy in Islam basically is a good team work. But a fair Judge and unselfish team player is highly needed here. A Judge who can solve the problem correctly and team mate who think about "WE" instead of "I".

    Is he a fair Judge?
    Is his earlier wife a good team mate?
    That's the question.

    Which also the question need to asked by his earlier wife to you.

  4. Salam I would just like to say that it is not permissible for a Muslim to marry a non_muslim .if you are both serious you will have to convert He will also have to inform or get permission from his wife and then he will have to look after both of you equally Ask him if he can do this If he can't or does not respond to this you have your answer That being that he is not serious about you but just wants to abuse you like so many other men do do please beware Allah hafiz

    • What you have said is not correct. A Muslim Man may marry a Woman who is not a Muslim (be from the people of the book).

  5. he is married and he is lying that he is not in intimate relation.
    i think you should not marry him you will destroy your life with this man. if you want to marry, marry a single man.

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