He’s done zina in the past… I’m concerned
I really don't know what to do, this is the history.
I have known this guy for 16yrs or so. We have been friends, drifted and got in touch a few times. We been talking since January last year as friends and since January this year we started talking about marriage and I know it's wrong but the only way I can describe it is dating. Generally he treats me well and with respect, but isn't the most religious. He is very caring with the women in his life, like his mother and his sister. I have known about him drinking, smoking all sorts and clubbing in the past. I also knew about one of his past relationships. He assured me he doesn't have anything to do with any of it, but he stopped only been a few months before we started dating. To be honest I believe, but have always had the thought what if we get married and years down the line he decides to start drinking again. I had never been in a relationship before and all I really wanted is to get married. And I debated so much about where I should or shouldn't date him. I told my mum about him and that we are considering getting married during Ramadan.
Yesterday I asked him about his relationships in the past, of which I wasn't overly bothered by, as is in the past and they weren't serious relationships. I asked him if he ever committed zina and now reading some of the posts on here, it's says you shouldn't ask these questions. I wanted to know and if he had then I would want him to have an STI test before we got married. I see it as protecting myself, is that wrong Islamically? He told me he did commited zina a few times in university with random girls, the last time was a year and half ago. Obviously I wasn't over moon about this. The fact that it is random girls, I find it even more disturbing. All the stuff he's done I think is bad and am worried something would crop up in our married life. I know the past is the past, but I just feel like this is yet another thing. I guess after seeing my sister's destructive marriage, I'm scared of marriage, even though that's what I want.
I feel like I have no one to talk to. I feel like whoever I talk to, I will be back biting and spreading rumours about someone who has spoke to me in confidence and someone who I care about.
I did istikhara a few times before but didn't have a dream or have a feeling of what I should do, so I thought let Allah guide me and see what happens.
After our discussion yesterday, I told him I need some space to clear my head, as I feel so indifferent. From today onwards he agreed he wouldn't contact me til I contacted him. He is quite upset that I wanted space and is very worried I'm going to end it. Apart of me thinks I would be mad to marry him and something may crop up in marriage. I also question whether I respect him now, just feels like there is one too many things. I can't marry someone I don't respect. I know it probably sounds like I'm judging him harshly, but I'm considering marrying him and it's a big deal, I have to be objective, right?
Currently I can't prayer or perform istikhara properly, as I'm not clean. Maybe I'm being too emotional right now too, I don't know!
If our relationship ends I will be upset, but what I want is a marriage and if it's best thing to end it I would.
I want to figured out what I should do? I want to know quickly as I can see he is pretty distraught by not knowing what will happen and I don't think it's fair leaving him without an answer, but I just don't know what to do?
I know I've probably gone about this in the wrong way but I would appreciate any advice.
t1234
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U must talk to him let him know clearly what u r feeling about his past. Ask him "if he found mine past same as urs?" I know in this world girls always forgive and forget the past of boys but boys in start they said yes we r forgiving u and later the results r worst than we think. Guys never forgive nor they forget their lady even that girl repents alot. Guys never give respect if they knw this kind of past.
If u seriously want him then let him know that u have this kind of future consequences.and yes u can do istkhara for results.....
You did not write about how old you are or how how old he is. If you have told your mom already then perhaps you can meet each others' families and see how it goes? If there is dissatisfaction in your heart about this then please do not rush and think it through. Pray and make dua as much as you can. Sometimes people do change for the better and maybe he is not the same person anymore as people do change and mature with age. It's not good to judge people when you do not have to marry them but if you are considering marrying this person then please outweigh the pros and cons. If he is a good muslim, does he pray and fast? Does he hold a steady job?Is he going to be able support you and a family? I do not know the dynamics because you did not provide this information. But these are the reasons most people look at when they marry each other. Will you both work on becoming better muslims and goal to attain Jannnah.
On a side note: Please do not get caught up in whirl wind of romance you may be experiencing, you may feel like he's changed and he is in love with only you and won't treat you like any of his past relationships. Like you have said that he's been with girls and because of this he knows exactly what to say to make you feel "special" . In reality, Why did he not want to get married to any of his past gfs? Not even one. And wants to marry you now? ( No offense) but is he really gotten his bad boy days out of his system. How serious is he. I would really make sure that what he is telling you is the entire truth too. What if theres more?
I would really give it time and see how things go especially family interaction and etc. and leave the rest up to Allah (SWT).
Reading your message, it seems like we are completely likeminded about men who have committed zina. Although sins are supposed to be something that is not asked or talked about, and something that is expected of chaste women to look past if the man has made tawba - it really isn't as simple as that. As you mention, how are we, as virgins, to ensure our health and safety if we are not allowed to ask men about their pasts? Where exactly their genitals have been and AT LEAST be allowed to demand some STI tests (because one isn't really enough when you have no idea when the last time the man was sexually active was)?
I also completely understand you on loosing respect for the man you are considering marriage with. Again, because I myself find it hard to respect a man who has committed zina.
It doesn't sound like, to me, you are interested in this guy. I don't know what exactly is making you still consider him when you are clearly not in to him. Is it because he's the best option you have got? Is it because you believe he's the best you can get? Is it because you feel pressured to marry at this point, because of age or family issues? In either case, I personally think you should forget all about marrying this guy. You don't respect him, you are not sure about him and you are aware of the fact marriage is a big deal - and you simply don't trust this guy is right for you in terms of practicing Islam, and falling back on his past sins. I wouldn't marry him, in your position.
dear sister, i will not suggest you marry such a guy who is a sinner. he will not prove to be a good husband i feel. it seems from your post that you are ready to get married i-e mentally prepared. but you should be patient you may find someone better than this. you should wait and pray Allah to find a better life partner than this one
select a better person for u who fears Allah and follows islam. after all its a matter of whole life
Assalaamualaikam
I think it's entirely reasonable to have concerns about his past. As you say, you're considering marrying him, so it's important to feel comfortable about who he is and what values he holds. Considering that you were already aware of some aspects of his past, it's understandable that you may have some concerns about his previous contact with women. Not only is there the issue of STIs, it also gives you an idea of how he viewed women and himself in the past.
The hard part, though, is deciding what to do based on that information. He may well have realised his mistakes, repented and turned his life around. Or, he might still have similar values about sex and relationships. It might be worth thinking about whether you believe him when he says he has changed.
Nobody knows what the future holds - only Allah knows what is written for us. Pray istikhara, and think about whether this guy has good character and deen. InshaAllah, there will be your answer.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
How biased....
If this was a question posted by a man regarding a women who had a past. Most of you would be calling the man insecure. Most of you would taunt him , perhaps insult him because he would be not sure of marrying a zaniyyah.
It is quite amazing to see such sympathetic tone when one's own gender is involved. The last poster is passing judgement as if his views are distorted regarding women because he slept with them, implying that he might be a misogynist
Shame...
Assalaamualaikam
On the contrary, my answer would be very similar if the genders were reversed.
If a man is considering marrying a woman who informs him she has had previous relationships and has repented for these, he needs to think about what this means to him and if he can accept this. It would be reasonable for him to consider what this might mean about how she sees men and how she sees herself, and whether this is still the case. If he believes her when she says she has repented, then he should try to let the past be the past - and yes, it is entirely reasonable for him to ask her to have an STI test - this would be good practice for any couple in which one or both has been sexually active previously.
If a person feels that they cannot respect a potential spouse, or that they would be so worried about the past that it would come up in arguments or they would punish their spouse for it in some way, then both parties might well be better off not marrying. That way, they can both marry someone who is happy with who they are and with whom they feel comfortable.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Sr. Midnightmoon is not biased at all. In a recent post by a brother who spoke about his wife's inappropriate behaviour she in fact stated that the brother may have to consider divorce as her abusive behaviour wasn't acceptable.
Besides, a few months ago, you were banned from this site for the same type of comments that you have just posted.
I don't think you should marry him if it bothers you so much and you are holding the past against him this is so unfair. Its does seem to me you don't want to marry him and you are in a difficult situation of trying to do the right thing. If your heart is telling you not to go through this then do listen to it and let this man go. Pray to Allah and find someone else pious and be patience everything happens for a very good reason even if it means we have to lose whats not good for us.
Assalam alaikum Sister,
You have done the right thing to stop communication with him. I don't think that you should be speaking to him alone and should involve your Wali in the even that you choose to move forward with him in marriage.
Since you already knew about the previous relationships, then asking him for an STI test is reasonable. What is really troublesome though, is the drinking and clubbing behaviour that he has exhibited...is he truly over that? I think that if you really want to marry him, he needs to show a few things by contacting your Wali, making arrangements for a place to live if you were to marry (meaning, is he able to do this), had he made Tawbah for these past actions? Part of making tawbah would mean that he doesn't engage in those activities nor in the things that would lead him back to those---in other words, he shouldn't be upset if you don't want to talk to him, he should respect that and uphold it because both of you shouldn't be making these plans alone. I don't doubt for a minute that if he had a daughter he would want to be a part of the decision in her marriage--even with his background I am sure he wouldn't approve of the secret relationship without marriage. I am not judging either one of you, but hope that inn shaa Allah, if you both go ahead with it, you do so with respect and dignity for yourselves and each other.
The bottom line is that you shouldn't proceed if you are not comfortable and IF you do go forward with this, it has to be done in the open with your families involved. If you families fail to be involved this could lead to further distress in your future. May Allah make it easy for you, Ameen.
OP: He told me he did committed zina a few times in university with random girls, the last time was a year and half ago.
Sex with "random girls" not a good sign. Look like he will have sex with any one if he gets a chance.