IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice

Aksalamu-Alykum

My husband and I knew each other since 1997.  At that time, I was divorced with two sons who lived with me in Houston. He was divorced with one son who lived with his American mother in California. He was a student preparing for Pharmacy College. Most of our conversation at that time was about our children, he used to tell me that even though I am struggling to raise my sons,  at least they are with me all the time.  It hurts him that his son is far, but at the same time, he is not worried about him because his mother is taking good care of him. He sends her money to send him to a private school. He also mentioned that his grandparents are Jewish so he is not worried about feeding him pork!

Few months later, we admitted that we have feelings towards each other; however, he was not ready to get married for at least five years. He had to move to a different city to attend a pharmacy school. I was not ready for marriage either. My main concern was to do my best to raise my boys and give them all my energy and time.

Two years later, he proposed to me while he is still studying. He told that he would feel more relaxed knowing I will be waiting for him by the time he finishes school. His parents did not like the idea, because I am a divorced woman with 2 boys, and I am 5 years and 4 months older than he is. (He told me that his parents do not know that he has a child). I completely understand their point of view. He talked to them about my background and my personality. They argued and fought over this issue to he extent that  he almost failed his tests. Then they asked him to concentrate on school and it is up to him if he wants to continue with the engagement and they promised him no more bother or mentioning anything bad about me.

It took him five years to graduate; I was busy working about 70 hours per week to take care of my sons. I never asked him for any money. Even though I had many chances to get married to a wealthy, stable man, with all of my friends and family at that time advising me to go ahead and get married,  not to wait for a student, and start new family, enjoy my life while I am raising my sons.  I felt there was a bond between us. There was a special feeling that I did not experience with my ex-husband.

After school, he moved back to Houston, we set up marriage date, I was very excited and happy, but I did not see the excitement in his eyes. All I saw is a worried man. I guess the cold war was over. His parents started calling him again asking him to go back home. One day, we had a big argument between both of us. He got mad and went back home for a visit. Four months later, he called apologizing that he had a lot of pressure from his family. However, he still wanted to marry me and he was building a house it would be ready in six months.  He asked me to give more time to adjust the situations and the relation between him and his family. Because he wants to make sure, no step he is taking it would be against our religion, which prohibits us from upsetting our parents.

I asked Imam what I should do? Is it OK to marry him even though his parents do not agree? He told me that the parents should not stop him from this marriage. Especially he is doing all his duty and more towards every single member of his family from respecting to helping economically…

He finished building his house, and he kept traveling back and forth, I did not put any pressure on him and ask when we are going to get married. I told myself let him take his time to solve his issues. All the sudden, I received a phone call from his mother yelling… asking me to leave her son and his pregnant bride alone. I was shocked!!! I found out that during his visits he was working on getting married with his cousin who his parents arranged everything with her while he was studying. Also I found out that he admitted to her that there is another woman he is in love with. Therefore, she could not accept what is going on and decided to go back to her country.

Even though I tried so hard to convince him, it is Ok with me. I do understand the pressure he is going through and I asked him to stop her from traveling. Try to work things out between both of them. I tried to talk to her, sent her a message I promised if she stays my relation with her husband will be completely disconnected. However, she refused to meet with me. He locked himself in the house disconnect the phones, refuse to communicate with anyone so his brother called me worrying that he might hurt himself, asked me to go knock on his door see if I can help him out through this depression.

We called the same Imam, he said this usually happens with a conflict of culture and beliefs. Imam gave him some counseling sessions and told me that he thinks the best thing is to married. And he told him the guilt toward me is killing him because I was there for him supporting him emotionally pushing him to study and give him confidence every time he feels he is going to fail or it is too hard to study Pharmacy. He admitted to the Imam that if I had not been in his life he would not have been able to go through studying while his parents and all his family members did not share with him the hard time. All what they are asking is to please them.

We got married; his cousin gave birth to a baby girl. A few months later, she got married too. Every few months my husband goes and visits his daughter who stays with her grandparents.

After we got married we did not argue or fight, but we did not feel happy together. We both do our duties toward each other with no complaints. I did not get pregnant, so I asked him if I should see a doctor, he did not show me his the desire to have a baby with me. I understood that our marriage is not going to last and he has different plans. (During these years he claimed that all what he told me about his son in California was only his own imagination!).

I continued doing my duties toward my home. One of our agreements was for me to go back to school, which was my dream. It makes me busy while I am waiting for my husband to end this marriage or start another one.

I thought several times to ask him let us get divorced since our life is so boring, we do not have any communications. We are as if machines programmed to do duties. .No matter what I do nothing will make him happy. He always looks worried and unstable. We started counseling at the beginning of our marriage, but he refused to continue. On the other hand, I feel after all the years I waited for him, I lost all the chances to get married from another man. I did not even enjoy watching my sons growing because I had to work so hard just to survive. Now I cannot lose the chance to finish school I am still half way.

I just found out that:

My husband just got married to another woman in his country few months ago. Once she found out that, he is a married man she got very mad. Therefore, he promised her that he is planning to divorce me. I asked him why you did not tell her about me!! He replied: “because you are History”. His answer hurts me so much.

His new wife tried to get a visitor visa to come to America but she could not. So she has to wait for him to apply for an immigrant visa. It will take several months. Now my husband is changing his tone, claiming that he wants to divorce me, so he can apply for the second wife to immigrate to the US and live with him. His intention is to keep both of us.

My husband and I visited the mosque for counseling, they advised us that once we sign the American divorce, it means we are officially divorced in Islam too. In order to get back together, my husband needs to propose to me and do an Islamic marriage agreement again. My husband strongly disagrees because he does not want any legal paper work between both of us.

I doubt his intentions are to be married to two wives. I have a feeling that he is planning to stay with me until his second wife comes to America, then he will end our marriage.

He forced me to move out of his house. (I own a house in the same neighborhood, a walking distance from his house), so he can prove to her and to his family that I do not exist anymore in his life. I overheard a conversation between them he was assuring that our marriage had dissolved. Even his brother moved in with him to make sure I am not coming back. My husband is hiding the truth that he is still visiting me during the day and we are still having a physical relationship, he promised if we keep our relation the way it is now; he will keep taking care of my bills. And help me out with my school.

My husband‘s promises, intentions and actions contradict each other, which put me in a dilemma. I am wondering if this behavior is accepted in our Islamic religion. He is claiming that he is hiding the truth about our relation in order to avoid any further problems back home with his new wife and the parents. By the way, the new wife was a divorced woman before he married her. He told me that she keep telling him she is so worried to come to America and find out I am still in his life.

I do understand that he has the right to get married. I want him to start a new life and have children. I will be happy for him if he gets healthier; she might be able to pull him out of this depression. He might go back to the man that I used to enjoy his presence. And he might remember and evaluate all that I sacrificed to be with him..

I do not understand why the new wife and her parents are pushing him to divorce me. Neither have I understood his parents until now keep nagging him with questions like is the divorce over yet!

All these people are Muslim. Is our religion allowing them to behave this way? I have been so peaceful and patient. Because I know, I should do my best to make the marriage work. And because I know, a single woman in America is not easy. However, I also believe that God wants me to live my life and feel I am a human being not a machine.

What bothers me that we are living in a foreign country, he always reminds me that I have no body but God and him. I can work and take care of the bills hopefully in two years. I am disappointed because I invested so many years of my life in this relationship; I turned my back to many marriage opportunities believing that he is my soul mate. If he really wants to be a good Muslim, he will do his best to have two happy wives, because economically he is able to support four. I believe, our religion would not allow divorcing and abandoning a woman for no good reason.

God bless, Alsalamu Alaykum

Thank you,

- Nour