He’s violent and believes we are still married.
My husband is terribly violent. When I revolt, he and his family says that he has the rights to beat. He also takes my money in the name of buying food for me.When he hurts me,I curse him verbally. I know it's wrong, but I feel helpless. I would so much like to beat him back and give him the same pain so he knows what it feels like, but as he is stronger I say it verbally. He beat me badly when I was pregnant with his children too.
I called the police for safety as I have no relatives in this place, but pleaded with them to not arrest him. Anyways he got a fine and we got divorced according to state law. I am now living seperately with my children, but since state law is not valid in Islam (as it is nikah and talaq), he still says I am his wife and comes to rule me and instill his rights over me. But he won't take care of me or my children physically or financially except when they are with him.
I have avoided his approaches towards me, but I don't want to be the one to pursue talaq as I don't want to answer to my children later since they love him very much and he is a good father. Kindly advise.
-Seekeroftruth
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Salaams,
Sister, if he is still harrassing you and trying to assert rights over you after you've already obtained a legal divorce, I would suggest you get a restraining order against him so that he will stop. If he violates the order,he will be arrested. And please, don't prevent someone who is this violent from getting arrested. Someone like this needs to be accountable for their actions.
Some scholars say that if a husband signs the papers for a legal divorce even if he never uttered "talaq", it still counts as a talaq because he is agreeing in writing to a divorce contract- even though it's from the state. Either way, if you want to ensure you get divorced from him in an Islamic way, you can approach an imam to enact a khula or rule for divorce if your husband won't agree to recover the mahr in khula. I know you don't want to do that, but honestly sister this man sounds like a menace you don't need in your life. Usually the children see for themselves how you're treated and wouldn't eventually question why you divorced. Even if they did, there's nothing wrong with telling them that you didn't deserve the abuse. Personally, I can't call any man a "good" father if he hits his wife. For him to treat your children better than you- that's just hypcocrisy, and there's nothing good about that.
I tend to think that you know deep down this man needs to be out of your life, otherwise you wouldn't have gone to the trouble of getting a legal divorce at all. He is still trying to claim he has rights over you, but it's important that regardless of the technicalities of the situation he knows you no longer want him in your life. It's going to take drastic measures with him apparently because he is trying to hang on when you've already made it clear you want to let go. So don't be afraid, and finish what you've started. You and your children will be much better off in the end.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Children watch and learn. It's better for them to be around a happy mama, then an abusive father and go on to abuse their children and or accept abuse as part of their relationship.
May Allah make things easier for you.
assalamu alaikum sister
Leave him. Dont ever go back...if he doesnt want to do what he is supposed to dont let him get away with it. If he is a abuser he wont take care of his kids...unless he has control
Get the courts involved. Show his abuse especially if you have pictures and witness accounts.
Make HIM PAY CHILD SUPPORT. DO NOT RELENT ON THIS.
Get a restraining order and PRESS CHARGES IF HE EVER TOUCHES YOU AGAIN.
DO NOT allow him to intimidate you. He sees you as weak and will treat you as such.
YOU are stronger than this. DONT GO BACK.
i HAVE LOST 4 friends to domestic violence...Once was just murdered last 2 weeks ago.
better to be a single mum that is happy than leaving your children as orphans.
ayat
Listen to the advice above. If he is voilent call the police and let him face the law.
How can he love his children if he is violent to their mother, and doesn't provide for them?
I'm sure your children do love their dad, as they are young and don't really know whats going on, and they will continue to love him. But you have to protect them from harm. And you should rather worry about answering on the day of judgement, that if you had legal help available to you why did you put up with and exppose your children to violence?? What if he starts hitting your children next??
I understand your concerns for the childrens feelings, a mother can put up with anything for the children.
Do istikhara and ask Allah to guide you in your affairs.
Looks like you too are from different cultures. In many Muslim countries beating women (lightly) is considered normal. For some reason you still want to hang on to him.