Islamic marriage advice and family advice

We both want to get married but his parents don’t agree.

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Importance of family ties in Islam

Asalamualikum ,

I want someone to help me out with this. I am very tense and ashamed. I know I made mistakes and huge sins but I am already asking for forgiveness from Allah. I know this guy from past 5 years, the moment we first spoke he proposed me for an arranged marriage i.e. 5 years back and I talked with my mother and he talked with his dad. I asked my mother how does he look like because she knew what kind of person he was and I liked him a lot. My mother told me he is fat, huge and darkish brown which of course wasn't pleasant but his heart was pure and looks didn't matter. At our house, my mother told me let him come and at his side his father disagreed after knowing who my parents were. I don't know the reason and even he doesn't know.

Our families are different, my parents struggled a lot for us, even I remember my dad not having money for food and he won't eat and give us some how. My mom worked all her life just to provide us with education and basic necessities of life; I remember both my parents working day and night at different different places just for us . We lived in one room apartment, now after we have done half of our studies we are better than before and we are helping our parents. After 4-5 years my brothers will also be able to support my parents and inshallah things will be far much better. I love my parents and I can do anything for them. I have always seen my parents fighting and my dad still beats my mother, most of the time its my mother's mistake. My dad says the only reason I am with your mother is you; if you are not here I will never live with this woman. they have some family,some past issues and sexual matters that they can't sort out and we can't help them as we don't think its appropriate to tell them (of course we understand now what they fight for and we know the solutions as well ). At his (boy) side of course they are far more better than us as they have money , a huge villa , latest model cars, their own business, plus higher level jobs .

Now, after first rejection we stopped contacts and later few months he came back again and again his parents disagreed and then we again stopped talking and then again; it continued for 4 years. He kept telling his parents he wants to marry me and they kept refusing and they always tried to make him marry somewhere of their choice and things never went smooth with any of the proposals that his parents find. He came in my life; I changed, I was always upset from my mom dad fighting, I had no hope , I used to think men always beat their wives and its their right, they can. He told me what my religion says and I should always do search on it, I started to talk nice and I had lost hope and I tried to kill myself 2 times before when my parents fight and make things worse. Now when my parents would fight he would tell me what to do and it used to help me. I never used to have my hijaab and talking with guys was a normal thing, never prayed except ramadan but he changed me. Now, I put on hijaab and stopped contacts with other boys and concentrate on my prayers, I think I got more closer to ALLAH when he was with me.

Last year, we struggled very hard. I performed istikhara and so did he, we were so positive we both saw things which showed us signs, had positive feelings and many of our friends also came to know about us. I told my dad this time and he said if he comes with his parents I will say yes but if he cannot then you should forget him. He is a nice son, he never said a no to his parents for anything they wanted or asked, when it came to his marriage he thought its his right to at least marry of his own choice. What he tells me is that his parents were angry because I never said a no to them in entire life and now when I said your name they got angry and told me that I am disobeying them somehow and they hate me. That he stood in front of his parents because of me, one major reason is that they think I want their money and that is the reason I want to marry him. He told me that he can't listen to what his parents say and he knows that they are wrong thinking like this about you. I was hurt by all this but the man is really good, his Islamic believes are clear he can distinguish between right and wrong and he respect my parents a lot. But the only issue is with his parents they think negative of my family and none of the things which they think is right. He has tried a lot to convince them but they would bring up more negative things.

In this past year we committed huge sins which we never wanted to and we both are ashamed of our acts. We were still struggling for it and things went really bad when his parents caught some very inappropriate pictures of OUR huge sin (sorry I can't explain those pictures I am hell ashamed to write or even to say them). We had deleted all that stuff but one small memory chip was lost from his side and somehow he totally forgot about it; now, after 7-8 months they caught it. We both are going through huge pain and stress. I am unable to eat because if I do; I vomit, can't sleep because once I sleep then I wake up with a little noise, can't study; I just sit and I keep sitting with literally a blank mind. I go to the job and I forget in middle of the conversation what I was speaking to the client. I drive and I don't know where I go and after I come back to my senses I am on some other route then, I take right roads and then again I am gone and again I forget where I am going then I come back home late and have to lie to my parents. Today I am fasting may ALLAH give me strength and help me get out of this.

They were angry with him because they think I belong to a bad family now, they don't talk to him and tell him that you are not our son. To apologise he said that he will do whatever they ask, somehow they signal towards me and he said I will leave that girl if you forgive me. Somehow they allowed him to at least stay with them. This guy told me all the situation and told me that we should move on in life and I marry someone and make our parents happy may be we can attain heaven and forgiveness of ALLAH and as well as of our parents. But, if we still go against them, we might be happy in one room but our parents will curse us forever and we will surely destroy our hereafter and this world as well. Which I can't understand; his parents reject me only on basis that I am after their money or I do black magic stuff which is untrue.

I consulted with an imam 4 years back and he said the guy should fight because his parents never gave a solid reason. Now when I consulted him back he said again that we can marry because its our right and we will not be committing any sin. I am confuse with the things he tell me and that imam told me, I read that if we ask for pure forgiveness we both can marry and it will be valid. I told him why don't I go and apologise and ask them to let us marry, to which he said at the moment I am controlling them somehow not to come to your house. He said; why I want to bring that fire which is already in his house to my house because his parents said if he ever mention my name again, they will also show all that to my parents and will humiliate them and me. Every time I see my parents face I feel like crying and begging them for forgiveness. I cried in front of my mother she asked me about him and I just said his parents don't agree I can't tell her more, sometimes when she see tears in my eyes she gets so angry that she wants to go to their house and make them explain but I stop her that they will be humiliated. I can't do this to my parents. I feel like leaving my house I can't give them shame or I should commit suicide because I have no place on earth to live. I disappointed my parents who trusted me and loved me so much.

We committed huge sins and we are repenting but we also want to marry. We never met after all this happened, I like this guy and he likes me our intentions were never bad we always wanted to marry with his parents' consent at least. We were so good we make each other a better couple and a better Muslim; we decided that after our nikkah the first thing we would do is to perform ummrah. I would be best in my house and he will take care of my every need, if we have issues we will first talk rather than any other major fights, we will make our children better Muslims so that they don't do those sins which we did. We would understand them and so much, every night we would have tears in our eyes we were ashamed of our sins and wanted ALLAH to forgive us. We wanted a halal relationship but things went so bad, he says that, may be one day when his parents will no longer be here or when he will be independent he will marry me .

The only happiness I had in my life was him, my parents don't understand much of Islam, many of their concept are different from me, for e.g. Hijaab , family issues and much more. The only hope I had that may be one day my life will be better was all because of him now, he is also not here I don't know what to do? I am praying, when I read Qur'an I cry a lot I can't see words and I can't pronounce , I can't see my friends because they love me in a way which makes me cry. On other hand he doesn't have any friends because his parents never let him make friends . His parents think I was the one who is bad , in fact I always told this guy to go away but he kept coming back and back. Now, the situation in which we are is very difficult; so hard for us to get separate. If I go to police they will make us marry according to this country s LAW , but both our families will be humiliated and might never forgive us, and if they don't our this world will be destroyed.

I need someone to guide me; I want this guy. I am ashamed of my sins and I want his parents to come to my house and don't humiliate my family but ask my hand with respect. We want this world and hereafter, I know I am asking alot from ALLAH. Someone please guide me, we both are in very hard situation. I want the same me back who was  happy , when I used to look at my parents I never felt sad but hoped that I will make them proud and what I did was not what I wanted. I want to know the circumstances in which we can marry and marriage remains valid and our parents unhappiness doesn't effect us in hereafter. I can't see any other guy in my life again; I can't imagine my husband (if he is a stranger) touching me, like I don't know how will I tell him what I want. I am too scared to marry someone I don't know, it took me 5 years to be sure I want this guy; how can I just go ahead and marry someone else? Here on this website; I see so many issues between husband and wives which really scare me, sometimes I decide not to marry anyone else.

Please help me out, I do have  hope that one day everything will be fine but I am struggling a lot with myself in almost every matter and I need to calm myself  but can't find anything. Please help me out and don't be harsh I am already suffering a lot; sorry for such a long post.

Helpless.

 


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15 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    It sounds like the biggest piece of your situation is this gentleman's parents. He is trying again and again to get them to agree to his wishes of marrying you, and so far they are not supporting him. It sounds like until he is at peace that they are supportive of him marrying you, nothing else being resolved makes a difference.

    Sister, it may be time for you to shift the focus from marrying him to repairing the lost trust with your parents. Let him work out the issues with his own family; there's nothing you can do to help that at this point...and your involvement any further just might make matters worse. If he is able to win them over, then everything else may very well fall into place after that. If he refuses to marry you against their wishes, then you won't marry him.

    It seems that the involvement you two have tried to have with each other so far in spite of your parents has only gotten the both of you into trouble. The only way to undo this trouble, to truly repent, is to let him work out the issues with his parents and keep your focus on being a good Muslimah and daughter. I am more worried about something else over who you marry, though- and that is the family situation you are living in. You have described an abusive father and a lot of sick dynamics in the home as a result of it, and it seems that the effect that has had on you is to make you want to hurt yourself. Maybe you want to marry so you can escape that, but I would suggest trying to find a better home to live in before you marry. Is there an aunt or other relative you could live with until the marriage issue sorts itself out? You don't deserve to watch your mother being beaten, and you don't deserve to live in a home where you are being made to feel like you want to die. I think your priority at this point should be on finding inner and outer peace, not just finding a husband.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. in the past month , things have been worse ..
    yes we both have accepted the fact that his parents will never get agree n we both have to move on
    but this move on thing is v difficult
    i went to my home country for 2 weeks to just be away n that it might help me mentally as i will be at a new place .. it was headache there as well...
    now when i m back my dad came to know that my mom has given a huge amount of money to dont know who !
    she always blamed us that we take her money in truth we dont .. whatever she earns she never spend on us or even on her own self .. she earns good and dad is the one doing everything .. my dad is good at heart but my mom s mistakes and secrets make him mad .. last night i ran away from house n its not the first time n when i m away from them i feel so relaxed n calm ...
    they shout n i m then dragged into the whole situation ..

    my brothers they are also fed up of this daily routine .. i dont have any relative here where i can go n stay
    my marriage is a big question n i feel it will never happen with anyone

    yes it is true i want to run away from everything coz they don't understand at all .. i have tried a lot to make them understand in nice way in bad way .. talking each of them separately and then islamically .. and lawfully .. like everything .. n i feel there is no way i can make them understand ..

    every day i cry .. i had him as a hope ..
    when in these 2 weeks i went to my country my relatives made me see a guy he is good but when i started to ask him some questions i felt he is very different from me..

    i still believe that this guy1 was good for me , coz we had an understanding ..
    the whole day i work and study at the same time so its basically morning 6 till night 11 i m out working n then study .. i dont want to come back home as there is no peace and i want to start this new life .. marriage is now a necessity in my lyf ..

    i m going a very tough time n i cant share it with anyone .. and i feeel like running away from everything

    • As salamu alaykum, sister ,

      I agree with all that Sister Amy has adviced you. You need to grow up as a daughter and sister, your energy should be with your family until you are in Peace in yourself, despite what happens outside.

      You are stopping yourself from living the moment, you need to be here and now and accept the reality that surrounds you, this is the first step to be able to change it, no other way. This will be tough but you need to feel in your Heart the love that you have towards all members of your family and make a prayer for them, including in it that you forgive them(ask Allah(swt) to help you to go through this, insha´Allah) and you ask for their forgiveness(whenever you have made wrong consciously or unconsciously).

      Keep steady in your duties as muslimah. Pray to Allah(swt), talk to Him(swt) not to scape, to live fully your life as a blessing, insha´Allah, you will get it.

      Sister, to avoid problems in the future, put your feet firm on earth, do tawbah and find Peace in your Heart, this will ease the path towards your future relationship, insha´Allah.

      Don´t project your joy, peace or happiness on other human being, we are responsible to find them in in our own inner being, and we as muslims, should know that we have to do our best to get it and that only Allah(swt) will guide us towards it, Alhamdulillah, then please go to Allah(swt) in every sorrow and in every smile and thank Him for all the blessings that you have, and insha´Allah, every tear that falls from your eyes, will be a tear of joy that will give you Peace in your Heart.

      Wasalam,
      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Hi there,

    I am a male here from the UK and your story is in alot of ways similar to mine. I have been with a girl for two years, who I totally love and wish to marry. Her side have agreed to it whereas my dad is totally against it. Its such a stressful situation as this girl means the world to me. I know what I have done is sinful and i repent everyday for my sins. Life is very tough at the moment. I have recently completed my masters and at this moment in time still looking for a job. The situation has really got me stressful and as i have lost all interest in my life. I just dont understand why my parents cant see that she is my happiness.

    Btw inshallah i do hope your situation gets better sister. I guess we just got to keep faith in Allah sw.

    • As salamu alaykum, brother confused,

      When we repent and ask for forgiveness, before getting Peace, the pain and suffering will be our daily bread until every black spot of our Heart is polished, then, Alhamdulillah, Allah(swt) is having mercy on you, everytime you feel lost, go to Him(swt) again and again. Please, tell her to do as you do, she needs to repent and ask for forgiveness too.
      Your parents see the darkness in your Heart due to your sins, that is why they won´t approve the marriage until the process has finished, insha´Allah.
      There is a link on tawbah on top of the page, go for your best and insha´Allah if you are one for the other, you will be together at the right time. Trust Allah(swt) ways beyond any rational understanding. Be patience, loving and respectful to your parents, you will see on the when the moment has come, insha´Allah.
      All my unconditional Respect,
      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. asalamualaikum..
    dear sister helpless..i can understand your pain very well as my sister is also going through the same issue. A gentleman proposed to her and our family agreed to this but his parents are not in favour of this alliance because we are not as rich as them. My sister is a very nice person . I always pray to allah swt to grant me daughters like my sister. since this refusal she has totally broken down. like you she cannot concentrate on anything. i pray to allah to replace your hardships with ease. may allah swt grant you what is best for you in this world and the hereafter. aameen

    • As salamu alaykum, brother,

      If Allah(swt) allows this man to see the shine of your sister´s Heart and both deserve each other, the proposal will go ahead, insha´Allah, if not, comfort your sister, telling her that Allah´s ways are infinite and He (swt) will bring the best for her, insha´Allah.

      Wasalam,
      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Brother , just be with her
      Only a family can support her - n i believe a caring brother like u .. she defintly is blessed to have you

      May ALLAH help her . Ameen

  5. Dear Sister.....I really need to give you a HUG...
    I understand what your are going through but trust me....Just Leave this man for your Allah....
    now the Important thing is....That you are not the only one who is facing all this.....and might be you are not the last one....apart from realizing your mistakes and accepting the bad stuff at your end, I would appreciated your one point that its so good that you dont want to marry without the consent of your parents and his parents...this shows that you are a good human who respect the feelings of your parents...
    Dear the kind of situation that you are feeling right now is nothing big....you should be thankful to Allah that you are safe and sound and have realized your mistakes soon....I know you love him but now just top it if its not working for you....you have cherished the good moments with him so just forget about him now....Respect yourself....dont humiliate yourself just for a guy.....you can get the best guy for yourself but not parents....just dont humiliate them for a guy who is sacrificing you for his family....if he is abiding by the rules of his family then why arent you??? I know you are lost in his love and wants him to do all his best to marry you....but dear dont spoil your life.....
    the guy whom i wanted to marry just refused me at once when i wanted him to marry so that our relationship could be legal...but he just used me and never wanted to marry me and never cared about my feelings....he was also fine with me until i asked him for marriage but once i asked him, he gave so many reasons for not getting marry to me....he said he has a caste issue, he was rich and i was not, he wanted to marry the gal of his parents' choice....even he blamed me that you are a stubborn gal and i cant marry a gal like you....i just need you as a lover who could love me and satisfy my desires.....Gosh...trust me dear i was shattered and torn apart.....i decided not to marry ever because i was a used gal and felt myself like a trash.....i was tensed depressed and like committing suicide....you can never imagine how i felt like after this rejection from the man whom i loved the most and who was everything for me....
    What i could do was just to pray to Allah and ask for his guidance....dear you know what i learnt during all that depressed time that i have to forgive him for my Allah because if I did wrong and Allah forgives us than why cant we....Dear just forget about all this and move forward....thats good that you try to keep yourself busy but dont overburden yourself....dont make yourelf feel that you are trying to run away from your own shadow....
    just accept the reality and forgive him and foremost forgive yourself.....
    love ALLAH AND LOVE YOUR FAMILY.....
    stop running after this man....this would give you nothing.....you should be happy that Allah has blessed you with a life and just live it to full....recite the Quran as much as you can especially Surah Yaseen....this would give peace to your heart and mind.....Just relax and give yourself time....Atleast it would take an year to calm your self.....dont run too fast into your own life.....tell him just go away and do whatever his parents want for him.....and you just listen to your parents.....respect them and tell them that your are the best daughter in this world and make them realize that they are blessed as Allah has given them such a lovely and obedient daughter....
    Dear this life is temporary and trust me remember if all this were to remain immortal that you could have run after this boy but this is not permanent and one day you have to face your Allah.....so forget him for your Allah......
    Do let me know about your situation....i would try to counsel you....InshahAllah everything would be fine......Trust Allah.....do pray and supplicate......

    • A big hug to u , for ur support :)

      i m helping parents .. n i will never go against their wishes .. i wrote a comment below .. ALHAMDULILAH things are on track :) .. still a long way to be a good muslimah but i m trying my best !

  6. Salam alaykum..

    The fault lies to the silly, idiot and cuturally centred parents, who forgot about the fact that your both like each other and want to do things in halal way.. May Allah transfer all your sins in to the parents account.. Ameen

    • omer, how about just saying, "May Allah forgive your sins." No need to hate the parents, insult them, or pray for harm to befall them.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  7. Understand that you are not the only one things could be alot worst just hang in there and pray . You strengthen your bond with your family and let him do the same with his . Everything will fall into place just pray

  8. A big Thank You , to everyone out there ..who took time for me , May ALLAH bless you all and forgive us ..

    i wont write alot this time :)

    we both moved on .. later i heard he married a girl of his parents choice..
    time was hard ..everything seems tough .. i gathered maself (again did some stupid stuff- ALLAH forgive me)
    still styding n working , got promoted twice .. made some new friends.. changed my prespective of life ..loove my mom n dad for their support n their love though they still fight but then prayer is all i could do for them.. brothers are my sweeeeet heaartttt ..i never thought they wud lov me in so many differnt ways that i never imagined.

    a proposal is on the door , his family adores me ..ma mama loves him .. ma brothers are so coool wih him.. daddy is yet not sure of him coz of salary (he thinks i will get a prince - n forgets that we still hav to b realistic n leave materalistic things especially money coz it comes n goes - i hope he understand this) , i like him (he told me he doesnt need to know ma past for whtever it was IT WAS ! ) ..

    Yes life moves on .. it shows all ups n downs i dont know how many i have to see more but if ALLAH put me in , He will also Take care of me !

  9. Asalaamoalaykum Sister.. Congrats for your new life ! Even my story is some what similar. But Alhamdulillah I have readlised the love of Allah is greater than anyone. I know its tough to forget. But I have come over it and I have a peaceful life by the grace of Allah. Belief in Allah gives me so much power, I feel the world is mine. Remember me in your Duas.. Keep repenting

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