How can an overweight woman find love?
June 6, 2009
This question is answered by Wael Abdelgawad, Editor of IslamicAnswers.com Marriage Advice (this website), and Zawaj.com Muslim Matrimonial Service.
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QUESTION:
Dear Wael,
I am a 25 year old doctor and I am overweight. I understand the health issues of being overweight, and Inshallah aim to tackle these slowly, but I really am finding it difficult to find a spouse. My father has been looking for nearly two years to no avail, but even if he had retrieved someone, I would be ashamed to present myself due to my weight. I am getting more and more hopeless and sad, even though I have faith in Allah. Is there a particular group of brothers (i.e. racial or national) who may prefer larger women? How do I go about finding a spouse this way? Losing weight is a time consuming and difficult task which may never happen. Please advise on how best to go about seeking a husband. Jazakallah khayr
- Sister Naima, England
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WAEL ANSWERS:
Dear Naima, Wa-alaykum as-salamu wa rahmatullah,
This is a tough question to address. It seems to me there are three separate issues here:
- Losing weight.
- Your self-esteem.
- How to meet a man.
So let's take them one at a time.
Losing Weight
You say that you understand the health issues of being overweight, and since you are a doctor I am sure that you do. But at the same time you seem to despair of actually doing it. You declare it to be "a time consuming and difficult task which may never happen." I suspect you have tried diet plans or made resolutions in the past and failed, and now you seem to have given up.
This kind of attitude ensures failure. You are a doctor. You know that losing weight is not some mysterious process. It is the predictable result of increasing physical activity and eliminating unhealthy foods. Forget about the issue of attracting a husband for now. Just focus on improving yourself for yourself, for your own well being. Losing weight will give you more energy, you will feel younger, you'll feel more confident, and the process itself can be fun. If you are not currently exercising, then join a gym. I've read in the papers about martial arts classes for Muslim women in Britain; try it out if it's available in your area. On sunny days, get out and walk. Don't think of it as a chore, but as an opportunity to liven up your day and experience the pleasure of physical activity. Analyze your diet and ask yourself what empty calories or calorie-rich foods you may be consuming that you could eliminate.
If you overeat, then you need to analyze the reasons that you do so. You mentioned that you feel hopeless and sad. Many people overeat as a way of comforting themselves emotionally. So you get stuck in a vicious cycle: you overeat because you feel sad, and then you feel sad because you gain wait. One way to interrupt this cycle is see a therapist (a counselor). The therapist can help you talk through your emotional problems and find ways to feel good that do not involve overeating. There's nothing wrong or shameful about seeing a therapist. I have done it, and so have many people I know. Personally, I found it to be a rewarding experience. I found a therapist who was an Arab (like me) and who could understand the cultural issues I was dealing with. I still stay in touch with her, after many years.
Your Self-Esteem
This is a more important issue than your weight, because when you are sad and hopeless other people pick up on that and it is not attractive. People are attracted to someone who is positive, hopeful, happy, and confident. I have seen overweight women who. were confident and happy, and as a result were happily married or had suitors falling all over them. It's not all about the body. A confident, happy personality is highly attractive. A woman with a nice smile, sparkling eyes and an engaging personality will turn heads, regardless of her weight.
At one point during my previous marriage, I gained a lot of weight. I was working out of the house and eating out of boredom. My weight became a serious issue for my wife. She did not find me attractive anymore. But she had the great idea to sign us both up at the gym. We began going to the gym together every day after work. It took me a little while to get into it, but soon I. became very serious about my workouts and looked forward to them. We had a big hill behind our house, and on the days when we couldn't make it to the gym I would walk up the hill. It was wonderful to be exercising again, feeling my strength grow. Our marriage improved immediately, even though I had not yet lost much weight. I mentioned this to my wife and she said, "You are active now and caring about your health, and that is attractive."
It's true, there will be some men who will judge you solely based on your weight and reject you on that basis. But these men are shallow and not worth your time. A sincere man will see past the weight, especially if you are active, confident and happy.
So again, you have a. negative cycle here. You feel sad because you can't find a partner, and your sadness keeps potential partners away. You have to interrupt this cycle.
That means getting involved in things that make you happy. Once again, I strongly feel that exercise should be one of those things. Even if you don't enjoy it at first, soon you will come to look forward to it. Trust me on that.
Beyond that, cultivate friendships with good Muslim sisters. Have get togethers with them, go out to eat (and choose healthy dinners). Go to religious events. A "sisterhood circle" or Islamic study group is a great idea. Get a pet (it's amazing how nice it feels to settle down with a warm cat purring in your lap). I could go on, but you know yourself better than me. Indulge yourself in the things that make you happy (not counting food). Broaden your horizons. Enjoy your life, and that will shine through to others. You might also think about joining an online Muslim matrimonial service like Zawaj.com, and include a photo of yourself, so that anyone who responds will be someone who knows what you look like and finds you attractive.
How to Find a Husband
I think I've sort of answered this question already. If you make the changes in your life that I suggested above (exercise, eating healthy, see a therapist, build good friendships, do things you enjoy, work on your deen and spirituality), you will become a magnet for a sincere Muslim man. This is one of those cases where the best way to find something is not to look for it. Instead, work on your own personal development: physical, but more importantly emotional and spiritual. By changing yourself, you change the way people relate to you and see you, regardless of your weight.
And Allah knows best.
If any readers have some additional advice for this questioner, feel free to post your comments below.
(O Allah), Guide us to the straight path; The path of those whom you have favored; Not those with whom you are angry; Nor those who go astray.
Best regards,
- Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Administrator
IslamicAnswers.com Marriage Advice
Zawaj.com Muslim Matrimonial Service
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The muslim's life from beginging the end is for Allah, and he/she rewarded by Allah for being patient and hard working man/woman and thus we need to be optimistcs hard working and as we know we know a muslim need to change his behaviour to the best this chane could not be without efforts and believes,
Yes there are paricular people prefer large woman,
Asalamu Alaikum
Asalamu Alaikum
I have the honor to introduce my self seriously to you if you do not mind,Wa Allah is the witness for what I am saying
Asalamu Aliakum
Walaekum assalam sister,
You don't worry.There are many Beautiful women got married very lately at age of 30 and above . "Marriages are made in Heaven".
You are a Doctor ,I need not tell you any Health Precuations.
I know a way to reduce weight, But it will take long time minimum 6 months.I learned from some naturality books.Because I was also over weihgt now I became normal.
this weight loss way is,
1. by taking water and changing our food
timmings.With out medicine .
2 little exercise.
I think u know this I need not continue, because You are a Doctor.
The spouce problem ur facing is not major.
Don't get sad .Taste differs from man to man.
Some man prefers only complexion,
some people prefer only money,
some people prefer education remaining things
they negelect.
that's why I suggest u be patience and wait till u get suitable match.
Allah is there.
One day u will be permitted to marry.
Inshallah,
By
Abdul Rahim,
India.
Aslam alaykum.
I want to say yes there is aparticular group of brothers who may be interest in larger women i.e West Africans.Most men in this part of the world like larger women.
I am speaking as a Muslim man who is married to a very overweight woman, so you can check out the view from "the other side". This issue is causing significant strain to our marriage, and I am not sure how long we can continue together.
My advice to the sister: don't be like my wife. Just lose the weight. Seriously. It's not rocket science. Yes, it will take hard work and consistent effort, but it is achievable.
It's simple: all you have to do is burn more calories than you consume, every day. Start eating healthy and restrict your food portions. If necessary, count calories. Sign up to a gym and do over half an hour of cardio in addition to weight training. Do this at least 4 times a week.
These are permanent lifestyle changes which you will need to make. Consider it a lifelong process and it will eventually become a habit which requires very little discipline.
As Wael said, you need to do this for yourself, first and foremost. And believe me, it is very doable. But you need to do it as though your life depended on it. Trust me, if you acquire that attitude, you WILL lose the weight. I promise you. Wallahi.
Aside: To anyone getting married, I urge you not to look past these issues. Attraction is extremely important for a healthy marriage, and if you have any doubts in that department, it would be best to keep away before things get complicated. In my opinion, it is not shallow to reject a prospective spouse based on their looks. In an ideal world, looks would never be a problem, but unfortunately, we are humans and subject to this weakness. Speaking for myself, in any case.
On a related note, never bet your marriage on the expectation that your future spouse will change. If they don't -- and most people don't -- it will bother the hell out of you. At first, you will ignore it, then you will gently address it, then you will nag about it, then you will give up and succumb to misery. By that point, your marriage will be in jeopardy, but it is likely that your life will be more complicated and it will be harder for you to resolve the situation or, alternatively, extricate yourself.
sister i wish you the best of luck inshallah to lose weight. just eat lower calorie foods and take part in regular cardiovascular excercises and think about buying a treadmill (i know someone who used one and lost a lot of weight).
anyway, there are so many races who prefer bigger women such as arab and north african cultures (moroccan, algerian, egyptian etc)
Salams all,
Thanks for your comments. Its the sister who wrote the post. It's over two years, still not married! Lost about 25kg of weight, now around normal, BMI of 27ish. Still not skiny, buit not a fatty anymore. Feel confident about how I look, happy with work, deen, friends. Have a non-existent family. Still no husband. Not ugly alhamdullilah. Just lonely.
Salaam Naima...thats a good BMI! Well done!! I know a brother, a doctor and good looking too, who got married to a girl who was twice his size because he liked curvy women and got on so well with her! So yes, attraction is important but its not the only thing people are looking for. As mentioned already a bubbly happy personality and confidence attracts alot of people. Sometimes I think when things do not go the way we want them to we start despairing and looking for reasons for the way things have turned out. I am in a similar position to you, I get on with most people, have lots of friends, am generally a likeable and bubbly person, have aspirations in life, am successful andgood looking, but am not married and am facing one obstacle after the other in finding a spouse. Recently, I went through hell and lost all hope, but have now realised that actually I am a good catch Naima(and so are you), but the right person hasn't come along yet. Keep exercising and eating healthily it will make you feel better, focus on your career, spend time with family and friends, join matriomanial sites, tell your family and friends to help you find someone suitable and most importantly do tonnes of dua to Allah swt, He is the best of planners and will respond to your duas and guide you to a spouse that is good fro you in this world and the hereafter, ameen.
Me again! Put the weight back on. On anti depressants. Still not married. Borderline suicidal at times.
salam sister.
just came across this post and its so heart breaking to read. how are you feeling these days? i hope your in a better place. i would encourage seeing a therapist. will help you a great deal.
Subhanallah just happened to come onto the site today having been chatting to a friend about the dilemmas. Bmi now 43. Have started counselling and feel positive to lose the weight and get healthy. Still next to nothing on the marriage side. Turn 33 this year. Not suicidal anymore though hamdulillah. Anti depressants are like oxygen!
Glad to hear that you're in a positive place. there are some awful advice given on here about weight loss. Unless you've been through it you cannot possibly know the struggles that's faced. i know as I can relate to what you've said. Remember that marriages are not made based on the numbers on the scale. It's from allah. We are all meant to struggle with something as this life is ultimately a test. Find your self worth before you are married to anyone.
Wish you all the best on Your journey. Unleash the power of positivity and you will reach your goal inshallah.
Assalamu alaikum wrwb sis, I think you've been given some excellent advice already, just wanted to add if you have heard of Slimming World? It's not just a weightloss program, but a lifestyle change. It focuses on your diet and how you should cook your food to make it much more healthy, and best of all hardly any restrictions! You can join a support group near you, where you attend once a week and weigh in and get support and motivation. If you google/YouTube "slimming world" you'll find tons of info, recipe ideas and inspirational stories of people with extremely high BMI's who have managed to lose weight.
May Allah help you attain your goals of weight loss and marriage, and may He bless you with peace in your heart, which can only be gained through His remembrance. Ameen.
I am 22 and a similar BMI to you. I have been deeply unhappy for many years but fell into depression this year even though I didn't know it was what i was experiencing at first. I got these intense feelings that I just wanted to die and even felt that it was my time to go. I was feeling anxious all the time and just wanted to disapear. I have had major self esteem and confidence issues all my life and became hopless in my situation. I couldn't see any future for myself in terms of career or having a family though this is something i always really wanted. I just couldn't see how any man would ever find me attractive and just could not see it happening. I have started making changes in my life by finally going to counselling, going to see my GP and seeing someone aboit my weight. I am taking active steps to improve all areas of my life iA. I joined a free trail for a marriage website (PM) just to privately take a look. I wrote a brief description of myself though I didn't expect any replies. I hadn't even finished the registration when I had been sent two requests. The first one I started messaging because I didn't really know how it worked and was intrigued. He was from another country in south asia though he had studied in the UK for 3 years. I was not sure about it but he was very keen to continue talking to me and said he would even move to the UK of I would be more comfortable. He has a good job and says he will be able to provide well for me but won't be able to purchase a house straight away so he is not marrying just to get into the UK as they are very established in their own country. He seems like a sensitive caring guy who is well spoken and close to the deen. I need to speak to my parents first before I continue speaking to him as I want their input and support first before I fully comit. I am just writing this to let you know not everyone is just focused on outer beauty and a lot of other people on that particular site were also just looking for a pious spouse. I think you also have to step out of you comfort zone a bit as there are many great guys from other countries or even the UK that are well-educated and close to their deen and are more open to marring people who don't fit the standard of what beauty is in our society. You don't know who might be out there if you don't actively look. I think also marriage waits for the right time in your life and when Allah knows you are ready emotionally and are stable you may find someone. Just remember pious men are made for pious women and you will find him if you remain steadfast and patient. I hope things are going as well for you as possible.
So nice to hear a positive end to your search. Inshallah it works out for you. Struggling with weight issues really takes a hit on your self esteem and confidence. So glad to hear you've put your self out there and things are working out. I'm struggling with self acceptance somewhat. Seeing a counsellor has helped me alhamdulilah. Still more work left to do on the inside. It's important to value your self.
Thanks for sharing your story sister. Pray things work out for you.
Assalamualaikum!
Dear sister,
Please don't give up. There are so many people in this world still looking for their other half. I was recently rejected by a guy and his family because I am a little chubby even though I workout seven days a week and maintain a 1200 calories a day diet with as much fresh foods as possible. I weigh 125 lbs and am 5'4 inches tall. I am 27 and still not married. I almost gave my hopes up but my family is helping me. I have decided not to think about marriage anymore. If Allah wants me to me single all my life, I shall be. My body and soul belongs to Allah and if being alone will grant me heaven, than let it be 🙂 Please don't lose hope sister! Allah is always with us.
125lb is normal weight in fact that's very slim and healthy.
Totally agree leave it in hands of Allah, inshAllah all for the best.
Have you tried getting ruqya done? It's not normal to feel suicidal..
Deadpoet, it's more normal than you might think. I've rarely met a person who did not experience suicidal thoughts at some point in their life. The important thing is not to act on those thoughts, and to find solutions to our difficulties.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
if i say so personally without reading any comments given by good people, i'ld say there are people out there willing to accept who you are and how ever you are!! i'ld give my example that i want to be married to girl having overweight issues and i see nothing wrong, losing weight just to be attractive doesnt end the point. brother wael said about ur self esteem...try to increase it and hopefully you will find someone who will see you just as u r and accept you...believe me there are people 🙂 May Allah help you in ur stresses....keep calm sister and believe in urself
Dear Naima, just read.your post. I dont know how I came across it. No advices. Just want to give my love n support. U r trying so hard. Please pray for yourself too. Allah will.definitely fulfill your wish. You are not the only one with this issue out there. Lots of duas n.love for u
I Think that brother Wael is wrong i know Many women who is overweight and they are married Alhamdulillah
But a man can feel your low self esteem . Be happy for who u are and he will be happy for who u are . And u will get married . I am over weight and I was it when I got married. And my husband adores me . There are men who loves overweight
I have heard this complaint on many occasions. The funny thing is I honestly want to marry a heavier woman as I find them so attractive. I have not been able to find any. My other problem is that I am a Caucasian revert to Islam and many families had projected me because of my skin color
8 years since original post! Still overweight. Weight highest ever. Having counselling cbt and anti depressants! Still single!!!! Just about pray some days. Lost.
Original poster here! Back again! Cbt made me put on 4kg. Heaviest ever. But counselling going well. Still single but much happier alhamdulillah. Hopeful.