IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice

June 6, 2009

This question is answered by Wael Abdelgawad, Editor of IslamicAnswers.com Marriage Advice (this website), and Zawaj.com Muslim Matrimonial Service.
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QUESTION:

Dear Wael,

I am a 25 year old doctor and I am overweight. I understand the health issues of being overweight, and Inshallah aim to tackle these slowly, but I really am finding it difficult to find a spouse. My father has been looking for nearly two years to no avail, but even if he had retrieved someone, I would be ashamed to present myself due to my weight. I am getting more and more hopeless and sad, even though I have faith in Allah. Is there a particular group of brothers (i.e. racial or national) who may prefer larger women? How do I go about finding a spouse this way? Losing weight is a time consuming and difficult task which may never happen. Please advise on how best to go about seeking a husband. Jazakallah khayr

- Sister Naima, England
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WAEL ANSWERS:

Dear Naima, Wa-alaykum as-salamu wa rahmatullah,

This is a tough question to address. It seems to me there are three separate issues here:

1. Losing weight.
2. Your self-esteem.
3. How to meet a man.

So let's take them one at a time.

Losing Weight

You say that you understand the health issues of being overweight, and since you are a doctor I am sure that you do. But at the same time you seem to despair of actually doing it. You declare it to be "a time consuming and difficult task which may never happen." I suspect you have tried diet plans or made resolutions in the past and failed, and now you seem to have given up.

This kind of attitude ensures failure. You are a doctor. You know that losing weight is not some mysterious process. It is the predictable result of increasing physical activity and eliminating unhealthy foods. Forget about the issue of attracting a husband for now. Just focus on improving yourself for yourself, for your own well being. Losing weight will give you more energy, you will feel younger, you'll feel more confident, and the process itself can be fun. If you are not currently exercising, then join a gym. I've read in the papers about martial arts classes for Muslim women in Britain; try it out if it's available in your area. On sunny days, get out and walk. Don't think of it as a chore, but as an opportunity to liven up your day and experience the pleasure of physical activity. Analyze your diet and ask yourself what empty calories or calorie-rich foods you may be consuming that you could eliminate.

If you overeat, then you need to analyze the reasons that you do so. You mentioned that you feel hopeless and sad. Many people overeat as a way of comforting themselves emotionally. So you get stuck in a vicious cycle: you overeat because you feel sad, and then you feel sad because you gain wait. One way to interrupt this cycle is see a therapist (a counselor). The therapist can help you talk through your emotional problems and find ways to feel good that do not involve overeating. There's nothing wrong or shameful about seeing a therapist. I have done it, and so have many people I know. Personally, I found it to be a rewarding experience. I found a therapist who was an Arab (like me) and who could understand the cultural issues I was dealing with. I still stay in touch with her, after many years.

Your Self-Esteem

This is a more important issue than your weight, because when you are sad and hopeless other people pick up on that and it is not attractive. People are attracted to someone who is positive, hopeful, happy, and confident. I have seen overweight women who. were confident and happy, and as a result were happily married or had suitors falling all over them. It's not all about the body. A confident, happy personality is highly attractive. A woman with a nice smile, sparkling eyes and an engaging personality will turn heads, regardless of her weight.

At one point during my previous marriage, I gained a lot of weight. I was working out of the house and eating out of boredom. My weight became a serious issue for my wife. She did not find me attractive anymore. But she had the great idea to sign us both up at the gym. We began going to the gym together every day after work. It took me a little while to get into it, but soon I. became very serious about my workouts and looked forward to them. We had a big hill behind our house, and on the days when we couldn't make it to the gym I would walk up the hill. It was wonderful to be exercising again, feeling my strength grow. Our marriage improved immediately, even though I had not yet lost much weight. I mentioned this to my wife and she said, "You are active now and caring about your health, and that is attractive."

It's true, there will be some men who will judge you solely based on your weight and reject you on that basis. But these men are shallow and not worth your time. A sincere man will see past the weight, especially if you are active, confident and happy.

So again, you have a. negative cycle here. You feel sad because you can't find a partner, and your sadness keeps potential partners away. You have to interrupt this cycle.

That means getting involved in things that make you happy. Once again, I strongly feel that exercise should be one of those things. Even if you don't enjoy it at first, soon you will come to look forward to it. Trust me on that.

Beyond that, cultivate friendships with good Muslim sisters. Have get togethers with them, go out to eat (and choose healthy dinners). Go to religious events. A "sisterhood circle" or Islamic study group is a great idea. Get a pet (it's amazing how nice it feels to settle down with a warm cat purring in your lap). I could go on, but you know yourself better than me. Indulge yourself in the things that make you happy (not counting food). Broaden your horizons. Enjoy your life, and that will shine through to others. You might also think about joining an online Muslim matrimonial service like Zawaj.com, and include a photo of yourself, so that anyone who responds will be someone who knows what you look like and finds you attractive.

How to Find a Husband

I think I've sort of answered this question already. If you make the changes in your life that I suggested above (exercise, eating healthy, see a therapist, build good friendships, do things you enjoy, work on your deen and spirituality), you will become a magnet for a sincere Muslim man. This is one of those cases where the best way to find something is not to look for it. Instead, work on your own personal development: physical, but more importantly emotional and spiritual. By changing yourself, you change the way people relate to you and see you, regardless of your weight.

And Allah knows best.

If any readers have some additional advice for this questioner, feel free to post your comments below.

(O Allah), Guide us to the straight path; The path of those whom you have favored; Not those with whom you are angry; Nor those who go astray.

Best regards,

- Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Administrator
IslamicAnswers.com Marriage Advice
Zawaj.com Muslim Matrimonial Service