Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He is obsessed with Asian women, cheated, went to jail, and wants forgiveness

Muslims praying in jail

"He claims that jail changed him into a good Muslim, but I cannot forgive him or trust him again."

Question:

Assalamu'alaikom,

I am an American Muslimah and my husband is an Arab Muslim. We have been married for. over three years now; we met in Asia. We have a. child together..  The problems surfaced. early on. My. husband was never really interested in sex even from the beginning. We would go for weeks and then months without sex. He. would always tell. me that it was because he had too much stress (He wasn't working steadily) and it ruined his sex drive..  I became pregnant about six months after our marriage and after. he became even more distant, spending all of his time outside with friends or online. After the birth of my son. I was diagnosed with trichomonas and I had. asked him. whether or not he had been unfaithful.. He. staunchly denied this of course, telling me that he must have had it before we met. Later. I found out that he'd been. doing nothing but sleeping around with many different women. although he. practically refused to touch me..  I questioned his motives for being with me because of my nationality and the fact that he has a fixed obsession with Asian women. (I'm not Asian.) He seemed to have no. desire for me but. he kept insisting that he loved everything about me.

We then moved to his country..  He was spending all of his time online. I became suspicious after I saw him using two different email accounts that I never knew about before. There were. online chats with women and online profiles (Myspace etc.) in which he declared himself as 'single' and all of his friends Asian women..  I'd checked the computer history and found that he had been watching porn. I knew that he had been. masturbating regularly when he thought I was asleep. Still he wouldn't touch me. After I'd caught him watching porn we had huge arguments and I sent him many angry emails referring to his refusal to give me my Islamic rights. My suspicions culminated in the discovery. of pictures and email exchanges with a Filipino woman that he had been sleeping with for six months while I was pregnant.. . In a rage I had destroyed all of his clothes and packed my bags to leave but he sweet talked me into staying. I ended up moving to another room with my baby and I stopped doing laundry and cooking for my husband. I had pleaded and threatened and fed up, I. had asked for a divorce many times. but he would never give me a divorce. The help I sought from Islamic sources was all in vain. No one helped me in trying to. divorce this man..  I put my trust only in ALLAH and continued to make doaa that Allah would touch his heart to see how he was hurting me. We stopped talking to each other and my daily routine was as if I lived alone.

I tried everything to get him to open up to me and tell me why he didn't want sex with me but he never said anything..  I finally got fed up after finding out about his relations with one woman after the next and since I couldn't get a divorce,. I just left. him to go back to my country (which he has no visa to enter). He. didn't want to stay in his country; since the day we'd moved there he kept plotting. how to go back to Asia. So he'd. moved to Asia for 'business' but still refused a divorce. He'd insisted that once he set up his business he would send for my son and me and we would patch things up, but five months passed with me living with my mother and nothing ever came to pass.

Three months ago, he landed himself in jail and begged me to come to support him, so as a dutiful Muslim wife I decided to be patient and stand beside him. I came to live in his apartment and found more evidence that he had been sleeping around even though he insisted that he wanted to make things work with me..  He was still in contact with the. Filipino woman, whom he said was blackmailing him for money. She insisted that my husband was never sexually satisfied. with me and he only stayed because he was dreaming of going to America. He told me that he never said anything about me to the woman and he beat her when she asked about me. He said that the woman was lying and. wanted to hurt me because. she was jealous of me. She was in love with him (which she admitted to me) and she wanted him to marry her but he used her for sex.

He is. telling me that being in the jail has changed him, that he is closer to Allah and that he has woken up from Shaytan's hold on him, making salat regularly and reading Qur'an all the time. He told me this is the first time that he's being honest with me,. that he was addicted to porn-style sex because every woman he ever slept with since he left his country he had sex that way. He respected me too much to try it with me and he was ashamed to try but he couldn't get turned on by normal sex. Now he wants to open a new page in our relationship and try things and be honest with me, but my heart has become hardened because of the pain this man has caused me. I feel. dirty to think about him touching me after his sleeping around.

My life has been hell since. this marriage. He has shattered my self-esteem and my desire for sex. I often harbor evil thoughts about Asian women in general. He was such a liar. that I don't know how to believe him and open my heart to him again. How can I move forward?

Sister Noorah's Answer:

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahmin

Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

Sister, in answer to your title question "How can I forgive him and desire him again?", well, simply put, you can't. In the situation as you describe it, he has proved himself to be false to you again and again, and a tiger does not change its stripes. I commend you for trying keep your marriage together, but there comes a time when you have to objectively assess the situation, cut your losses, and move on.

I do take issue, not on a personal level but with a particular attitude I see among some Muslim women, that taking abuse, living with a cheating spouse, and being taken advantage of is part of "trying to be a dutiful Muslim wife". There is NOTHING in Islam that says you have to be dutiful by taking abuse. Indeed, you are doing a disservice to yourself by allowing yourself to be abused in this fashion. YOU are a beloved servant of Allah and He does not want you to be miserable with a spouse who is committing every sin under the sun. That is not being dutiful; that is being a doormat.

If I were you, I would run, run away from this man. If you are legally married according to the laws of the US or elsewhere, seek a civil divorce. If he will not grant you a talaaq, then you can seek a khula. You live in the US, a non-Muslim country, so this is a bit of a challenge, but I would advise seeking help from The Islamic Society of North America, the Islamic Circle of North America, or another umbrella group within the US that can help you out of this horrible situation. You should not be tied permanently in any way to this man.

I do hope it is true that he is reforming himself and coming closer to Allah, for HIS sake, but I don't think that you should believe it or act on his words. It is easy to say something when you are desperate, and he sounds like he is in a desperate situation. Tell him that he is now responsible for himself, and you are responsible for yourself.

I know that such a terrible marriage can leave permanent scars, and it will be a long time before you can trust a man again. There are some good brothers out there, but there are some real stinkers as well, so I hope that you will take all the time you need to heal from this trial. After you are free, try to settle in your area, doing what you need to do as far as finding a home and work. Perhaps you can network with other Muslimahs and share an apartment or childcare to save money. There are options for you, so inshAllah you will find something that works for you.

Never despair of believing that you CAN recover from this. While you are healing, turn to Allah and be vigilant in your five daily prayers. Fast the sunnah fasts, go to Islamic classes online or in your community, and work to remind yourself that you are a good person and you deserve better. Surround yourself with strong Muslim women who will help you to stay busy in a good way and not dwell on the past. LET GO of this man and don't think about him, and even though you have a child together, resign yourself to the truth that he is not an appropriate role model for his son. Will the man change, two or five or ten years down the line? Allah knows best. It may be that sometime in the future he can re-enter your life ONLY as your son's father, but not as any partner for you. Divorce is a sad situation and having your son without a father is a tragedy, but a bigger tragedy would be for him to see his Mommy sink into despair and Daddy commit open sins.

You have a big challenge ahead of you, and that is to allow yourself to develop into a strong, confident Muslim woman who will be educated about her rights and responsibilities, and a good teacher for her son. You do have the strength to do this, never doubt that. You have the most important tool, and that is Hedayah, guidance from Allah. As long as you cling tightly to that, you will prosper. And Allah knows best.

Fi Aman Allah,

Noorah,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com


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6 Responses »

  1. Bismillahi Rahmani Rahmin

    Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

    Sister, in answer to your title question "How can I forgive him and desire him again?", well, simply put, you can't. In the situation as you describe it, he has proved himself to be false to you again and again, and a tiger does not change its stripes. I commend you for trying keep your marriage together, but there comes a time when you have to objectively assess the situation, cut your losses, and move on.

    I do take issue, not on a personal level but with a particular attitude I see among some Muslim women, that taking abuse, living with a cheating spouse, and being taken advantage of is part of "trying to be a dutiful Muslim wife". There is NOTHING in Islam that says you have to be dutiful by taking abuse. Indeed, you are doing a disservice to yourself by allowing yourself to be abused in this fashion. YOU are a beloved servant of Allah and He does not want you to be miserable with a spouse who is committing every sin under the sun. That is not being dutiful; that is being a doormat.

    If I were you, I would run, run away from this man. If you are legally married according to the laws of the US or elsewhere, seek a civil divorce. If he will not grant you a talaaq, then you can seek a khula. You live in the US, a non-Muslim country, so this is a bit of a challenge, but I would advise seeking help from The Islamic Society of North America, the Islamic Circle of North America, or another umbrella group within the US that can help you out of this horrible situation. You should not be tied permanently in any way to this man.

    I do hope it is true that he is reforming himself and coming closer to Allah, for HIS sake, but I don't think that you should believe it or act on his words. It is easy to say something when you are desperate, and he sounds like he is in a desperate situation. Tell him that he is now responsible for himself, and you are responsible for yourself.

    I know that such a terrible marriage can leave permanent scars, and it will be a long time before you can trust a man again. There are some good brothers out there, but there are some real stinkers as well, so I hope that you will take all the time you need to heal from this trial. After you are free, try to settle in your area, doing what you need to do as far as finding a home and work. Perhaps you can network with other Muslimahs and share an apartment or childcare to save money. There are options for you, so inshAllah you will find something that works for you.

    Never despair of believing that you CAN recover from this. While you are healing, turn to Allah and be vigilant in your five daily prayers. Fast the sunnah fasts, go to Islamic classes online or in your community, and work to remind yourself that you are a good person and you deserve better. Surround yourself with strong Muslim women who will help you to stay busy in a good way and not dwell on the past. LET GO of this man and don't think about him, and even though you have a child together, resign yourself to the truth that he is not an appropriate role model for his son. Will the man change, two or five or ten years down the line? Allah knows best. It may be that sometime in the future he can re-enter your life ONLY as your son's father, but not as any partner for you. Divorce is a sad situation and having your son without a father is a tragedy, but a bigger tragedy would be for him to see his Mommy sink into despair and Daddy commit open sins.

    You have a big challenge ahead of you, and that is to allow yourself to develop into a strong, confident Muslim woman who will be educated about her rights and responsibilities, and a good teacher for her son. You do have the strength to do this, never doubt that. You have the most important tool, and that is Hedayah, guidance from Allah. As long as you cling tightly to that, you will prosper. And Allah knows best.

    Fi Aman Allah,

    Noorah,
    Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

  2. Salam sister,

    My heart is telling me to leave him, because I can not feel the affection and desire that I felt before. At the same time, he has been writing such heartfelt, honest letters, openly confessing his feelings and his deep remorse for everything he has been doing for the last three years. He said to me that he was blinded and Shaytan made him feel that everything that was haram was nice. He also said that he knows that Allah is punishing him for all the evil he has done and because he was ungrateful for all the things he had before. He told me that he wants to be a good Muslim and pray salat five times a day (he didn't do it before). He said that he feels touched by the words of the Qur'an to the point that he cries when he reads it, and it never happened to him before. He also said that never wants to leave me or my son again and that he wants me to be his wife forever. He asked me to give him one last chance and if I feel that he hasn't changed then he will accept me leaving. I have never seen my husband express himself like this before, with such a love for Allah and his iman getting stronger. It's because of this that I feel that I have to stay and give him a chance. At the same time I feel such a revulsion at the thought of sleeping with him now that I'm not sure how I can go on with him. ya Allah I'm so torn! please make du'a for me

  3. By the way, he's still in jail and awaiting deportation back to his country. He tells me that he never wants to step foot in Asia again and that he wants to be completely devoted to his Lord and his family. He is always asking me if I am making salat and doaas regularly and he tells me to take our son to the masjid so he can be around Muslims. He said that he is 100% honest now, that he feels closer to me from our correspondence back and forth and that he wants to make omra as a family after we leave here.

    He never talked about Allah SWT or Islam before, it was always just reassurance that he loves me so much, that he made a 'mistake', that I have to think of our son, etc. All of his friends keep telling me that they see and feel in his eyes and in his behavior, when they go to visit, that he will be changed when he gets out. So everyone is telling me to give him another chance. I'm afraid that ALLAH will question me if I don't show mercy to a person who is displaying signs of repentance.

  4. Aslm. Sister khadija. ur story was heartbroken and i can imagine d pains u're goin through. As for u returning back or not, i think u should have an 'ISTIKHARA' nd leave everythins in God hand coz He's gonna make d right choice for u. May Allah bless us all!!

  5. Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

    Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

    It is easy for a man to be heartily regretful after he has been caught out; he is in prison now with so much time on his hands to think about what he has done. It is my sincere wish that his taubah is sincere and heartfelt; but like the addict who swears off drugs, as soon as he is back in his old habitat (out of jail), it is quite likely he will fall into his old ways.

    The only way you can test his sincerity is to allow time to pass. If he can pass a year or more - AFTER he is out of prison and back in the "real world" - then perhaps he is on his way to being back on the right path. Meanwhile, you cannot allow YOUR life to stop while he gets his life together, and it is not safe for you to return to him because he can "fall off the wagon" one time and Allah forbid infect you with HIV or something. So, in a perfect world, if he got out tomorrow, I would say he should move in with some strong religious brothers who can act as his guards, to help him develop the discipline he needs. It may happen that over time your feelings of hurt will fade and you will lose the revulsion you feel for him. It may happen that you will grow strong in yourself and you will find that you don't want to reconcile with him. Allah only knows the future. But be cautious cautious cautious and do not take him at his word. I fear that if you let your emotions pull you back to him, he will take advantage of you again. Don't allow him to try to come to the US with you as a sponsor - tell him straight out you will not sponsor him, so if he is deceiving you for sake of a visa, he will know he can't get in that way. DON'T agree to go to his country, because you could end up trapped there with no rights and become a virtual prisoner.

    I'm sorry if I cannot sound more hopeful for the future, but I am a skeptic. Only time will tell, and he has to go through that time without you by his side because he has to prove to himself and you that he can be a real man. Allah knows best.

    fi Aman Allah,

    Noorah

  6. Asalam alaykum warahmotuLLAHI wabarakatuhu.
    One cannot compare the behaviour of a good muslim (that always listening to Islamic teachings in less than forty days) with that of a bad muslim (that doesnt how to behave as a muslim). Also, there is probability of changing after undergoing a situation that can enable changing.
    Sister Khadija, I am advising to go do Istikhara as brother had said earlier and keep praying. May ALLAH (swt) lead you towards the right step.
    ALLAH knows best.

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