How can I get our marriage back on track?
We have been married for a few years now..
We met in college. She appeared to have the potential to be a good wife (at the time). Her family seemed to observe Islam and Islamic values (like mine). I shared with my family my intention of wanting to get married to her. My parents approached her parents. Both parties appeared to like each other and we ended up getting married without any significant hurdles.
I hoped to live happily ever after..but it didn't quite turn out that way.
Honestly, I'm not sure what happened or where things went wrong, but we seem to have been fighting over anything to everything right from day 1. She does not seem to agree with me on much of anything. She always has an issue with my opinion or point of view.
Before we tied the knot, I saw a simple innocent girl in her with a clean heart. I can safely assume that she thought of me to be a great guy as well. So what happened afterwards? Well, I don't know. All I can share are the symptoms and hope that someone out there is able to triage and suggest a cure.
She does not appear to have any of the "wife" attributes (don't judge me yet, just keep reading). She's more like a roommate. It's like - we just live together and she comes home to sleep. She seems to be out most of the time. She never cooks. Forget me, doesn't even ask a guest for a glass of water or a cup of tea. She never cleans. She never dresses up for me (don't judge me - but come on - once in a while doesn't hurt). I try everything in my power to look and even smell good for her. More importantly, she has not let me touch her intimately in 4-5 years now (which is pretty much 3/4th of our married life so far) . She gets mad at me over the tiniest things and starts screaming and cussing - does not matter if there are friends or family around us. I'll be honest: when, as a husband, I see myself getting disrespected by my wife consistently and frequently, and at times even in front of others, I naturally try to self-defend in whatever humane form or fashion I can.
Note that she is not all that outside the 4-walls of the house. In fact, she is quite the opposite. She is charming, funny, and sweet to others. She has turned into a social butterfly. She often goes out with her friends or colleagues and she dresses up very nice for all of that. Sometimes, the dressing is somewhat inappropriate - tight clothing and very low cut (if you know what I mean), etc. When I point that out, she gets extremely mad. Sometimes she disappears for hours and comes home late. I have stopped calling her on her cell phone or asking her about her whereabouts, because that's another trigger for her to start a fight. I don't see a wife in her AT ALL. Do you?
On top of that, she is not fair to my parents either. I won't go into too much detail nor do I have extremely super expectations from her, but one has to have some basic etiquette (seriously!). I'm nice to her parents and respect them. The least she can do is return the favor. She does not even ask my parents if they've eaten or taken medication or if they need anything from the grocery store, or if they want to go somewhere. I know that's my responsibility and I have been handling that. My thought is that she should be able to at least take care of her in-laws to some extent and share my responsibility a little - just to show her love for me if nothing else.
She does not want kids because interestingly she does seem to understand and acknowledge that we fight a lot, and she says that under those circumstances bringing another life into the mix may not be the right thing to do. I totally get that, but then I tell her to not do the things she does to destroy this marriage. For whatever reason, she sees that as me criticizing her and not letting her live her life. Little does she realize that it's our life together now, and she is no longer a college or a high school girl, where it may be okay to chill with friends and have fun all the time. She does not give me much time or attention. Even when we're home, sitting under the same roof, in a single room, she would either be watching her TV series or text'ing people on her cell phone.
She has changed overtime and has become more Westernized than the girl I knew back in college or how I perceived her to be after meeting her family who seem to be traditional and pious people. She goes out with her female as well as male friends. She tells me that she likes to socialize and have a good time (whatever that means). She says to me, "I have a life, I like to have fun, I'm not going to sit at home and do nothing" - she sees my questioning of that as me criticizing and threatening her freedom. In fact she takes it as if I'm one of those men who suppress women's rights by not allowing them to do anything - which is not what I mean, but she doesn't get it. She tells me that I need to accept her as she is and to not force her to change. I think we both have to adjust ourselves voluntarily given the kind of bond we're in. We both may have to disregard certain "legit" habits of each other - but frankly, I'm not sure how to ignore some of her attributes I summed up above.
I am at a point, where I'm exhausted. It feels like I'm wasting my time. If it were only me, I would've just made peace with the situation and accepted it to be my fate. However, I have old parents to look after - and I want them to be happy - and life with her is certainly not helping their health. Moreover, I love kids, and I'm not getting any younger, neither is she. I think it's high time that we start a family (before, God forbid, one of us is medically not able to conceive) - of course, I fear for what would happen if she continues to be the same way when the baby comes. The plan would backfire - maybe then I'll regret even ever wanting to start a family just like I'm regretting marrying her.
I am in need of help. Tell me something concrete that can be acted upon realistically. E.g., if you tell me to go counseling, I will, but she won't - so that may be useless. If you tell me to have a chat with her, well I have tried that many a times and it usually concludes into a fight. If you tell me to involve her parents, well I have done that multiple times - either she ignores what they tell her or they tell me to go easy on her (something along those lines - in other words - not much help). If you tell me to divorce her; well, frankly that's an easy way out. I want to address the situation, not jump off the ship. I think I still believe that the good-at-heart girl I once fell in love with is somewhere in there. I'll tell you why I say that - I say that because while I highlighted majority of what she sems to me to be about, I don't mind acknowledging that there have been times when she's fluctuated back and been kind to me. Key examples would be: when I lost my job she was there to encourage me; when I got very sick she was there to look after me, etc. Good deeds like this melt me and force me to change my mind. It's all that or maybe I'm not sure if I can find anyone else and thus afraid of being alone. Maybe I'm scared that even if I do find someone else, what if she turns out to be as bad as what I have to deal with majority of the time. I'm confused!!
insaan
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AsSalaam Alaikum,
What you have described are not the acts or occurrences of love.
If you decide to take a divorce, do it without anger or bitterness. People dislike divorce, but what they should have fear about is their conduct when doing something that is disliked. Be generous and compassionate.
That's it.
Salaam Brother
Hana
yes, I also think you're afraid about moving on. Don't be.
OP: Honestly, I'm not sure what happened or where things went wrong, but we seem to have been fighting over anything to everything right from day 1. She does not seem to agree with me on much of anything. She always has an issue with my opinion or point of view.
Accept her as she is. For one week don't fight over any thing or everything.
Fighting or any thing or everything means you fight over trival matters. One of you 2 has to stop reacting to useless arguments.
For one week just don't argue/fight, this will throw her off.
Choose peace over useless fights.
OP: More importantly, she has not let me touch her intimately in 4-5 years now (which is pretty much 3/4th of our married life so far) .
Did you ever have sex with her?
as salam alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh...
according to what you are saying, you should have divorced her a long time ago
Your story is very sad, seems like you've tried your best to make things work
Maybe sadly is time to move on.
There isn't much you can do when your the only one willing.
Aoa Brother,
I must say that you have demonstrated a great deal of character and patience with your wife. Your efforts to commit to your marriage are commendable, not many people have such strength of character.
I can totally relate to you because I am going through a similar situation for the last two years.
Since you have not mentioned your age or your location therefore, I am not able to judge your social context and advise you accordingly but I am assuming late twenties and somewhere from Pakistan, please correct me if I am wrong.
I think the main cause is that your wife does not have the right upbringing and her framework of marriage is very different from what is expected of her. She is trying to live a pseudo western life whereas you are asking for a sensible Muslim marriage and you have every right to do because you two are Muslims and your marriage was also a Nikkah, an Islamic contract of marriage, moreover such inconsiderate behavior is not acceptable by any western standard as well.
Girls from many educated and upper middle class families are not getting the right upbringing. Both guys and girls consume western media and get pseudo western ideals of modernity, where every guy is a womanizer and girls can line up suitors at the wink of an eye. I have seen this pseudo western mentality much more prevalent in girls than in guys. Girls start to derive their values from is pseudo culture and any mention of respecting their Islamic duties makes you a wife-beating cave man. Couples you see in "Shaadi kay Side Effects" dont exist in real life!!!
On top of it some parents also support this behavior and take pride in telling that their daughter is an engineer or a doctor and assume that she would magically assume the responsibilities of a good housewife the moment she is thrown into the role and hardly care to guide her. Girls, other other hand, develop a huge sense of entitlement and expect to be not bothered with household chores even after marriage.
I think in your case there are two majors reasons of your wife's behavior:
1) Your wife does not have the right upbringing, and her parents are not guiding her well, or they themselves know that their daughter would not listen to them.
2) You got married early, while your friends enjoyed a single life. Your wife might think (for whatever reason) that she settled for less. Or unrealistically expects to hang out with the friends like in the college days.
In our society there are two models for couple 1) husband works and wife is a homemaker 2) Both spouses work. If both of you are working then expectations from a traditional marriage need to be adjusted accordingly. From your description it is not clear if you wife also works but I am guessing even if she does you seem like a reasonable guy who would not mind helping her out. If she is financially independent then she might think that she is capable of taking care of herself, may be making more money then you and therefore, she doesn't need you for anything.
I suggest that you do istekhara and ask Allah Ta'ala's that you have now done pretty much everything and HIS help in guiding your towards whats best for you.
I suggest that you document patterns of your wife's behavior for the a couple of months where you think she has crossed the line by any reasonable standard. Collect evidence, not just anecdotes because in the end it it will be her word against yours and she might simply lie in order to pass the blame on to you for ending the marriage and playing the victim.
Ask your wife, her parents and your parents to a meeting and tell them that your expectations how her behavior is clearly unreasonable and present them the proofs of her conduct where she has crossed the line, and if she does not want to work on your reservations then you would be left with no option but to end this marriage. She might also communicate if she also has any expectations from you that you may not be aware of. If they are genuine then try to acknowledge but be firm on the core dynamics of how a marriage should be,
See how they respond, I hope that better sense prevails but if it doesn't then you are better off walking out of this marriage. Because, marriages are based on mutual respect, care, affection and responsibilities as specified by Islam. If she doesn't respect that would you like to pass on such values to your kids.
Approach your wife and her parents one more time with the purest of intentions and if they do not listen just walk out in a peaceful manner without any residual anger and your heart will be at ease that you did what ever you could.
Had you been married for 1-2 years, I would recommend hanging out with like minded married couples
so that your wife can see how married couples behave, but 5-6 years is a long time for habits to set. But still, if you see space for reconciliation and a fresh start you may try it.
I know that for any goodhearted person ending a marriage is hard, but understand that it is undesirable yet permissible. I can also understand the social context as well, going for a second marriage has some stigma attached to it, you may remember the good times that you had and the grief of how you were not appreciated but, in 1-2 years your life, inshaAllah will on a good track.
To avoid ending up with such a person yet again, I suggest looking for a girl who aims to be homemaker, a girls with 6 year degree in medicine would certainly be not so enthusiastic about cooking briyani for you.
Also see how her mother treats her father, kids mostly learns whats reasonable and what is not by looking at their parents. If the mother of a girl is the manager of a big firm but does not care if her husband has dinner or not, it is nearly impossible that the girl finds it reasonable for her to prepare dinner for you.
Are you living in a joint family arrangement ? if so then it could also be a dimension to consider.
I pray that you to go through this difficult time, any may Allah guide you toward whats best for you and for your wife to behave compassionately. Ameen.
best regards.
okde
I don't agree with your comment of an educated girl being less of a wife, not cooking biryani etc. I'm highly educated and hold two degrees, have a successful career, own property, yet despite all this I was giving my
Husband Alot of attention, i was cooking, cleaning and even folding his clothes for him. Additionally I had planned to finish off my exams and then take some time out to be a house wife and focus on the marriage and my husband. I let him be the man but had enough sense to see that he was mistreating me, but even then I stood by his side And lived in various different locations because he was broke and I hadnt realised thjs before the marriahe. anyway, being educated or havig a good job doesn't make someone a less ideal wife, it is important however to assess a persons character and etiquette, but than can be difficult to do before the marriage you only truly know someone once your married and living with them.
I am not saying that good education and being a good wife cannot go together. I am simply pointing out that in my society (Pakistan), especially in upper middle class, there is a disproportionate emphasis on girls to get good career oriented education and I find it very positive.
The problem is that parents now a days do not put much emphasis on inculcating the values of being good wife (and good husband) in their kids. In comparison to being a doctor, no pride is associated with being a good homemaker. Therefore girls, since they are mostly married at a younger age, inherit their ideals from media and develop a rejection towards the good old values of being a good homemaker and a support base for the husband and kids. To them, being a simple homemaker is demeaning. I cannot imagine any girl that would flaunt being a homemaker on her facebook, that would be considered uncool.
I am only against such a mind set where the focus is exclusively on career oriented education and an implied rejection of being a homemaker.
Since, you have mentioned your husband, I would share a personal observation with you, which may or may not apply to you case. I have seen that women when they have a superiority over their husbands in any regard (education, money, height etc.) tend to intentionally or unintentionally rub it in sooner or later and it heavily bruises the
relationship for the guys. Unfortunately, many men do not have the depth to respond to such a situation in a positive manner, their response is more primal and aggressive. For example, if in a dispute a girl may call her parents for guidance this is interpreted as if she is challenging his authority by involving another man whereas the girl is only seeking out a fair mediator. These behaviors at a primal level can be avoided if girls and guys are educated by their parents on how to behave towards each other, rather than assuming they will magically learn it when faced with the situation.
Agreed! Sometimes there is too much emphasis on careers and ive seen women who have ended up neglecting their children or sending them to boarding schools sonthey can specialise, and that's wrong! Career is important, it's your identity and if the wife is educated then both her husband and children will benefit from this. However, the woman js quite Central to family life, especially as a mother and it's vital that during this stage her career takes a back seatnand the focus is on building a family.
However in this brothers sotuation he hasn't really mentioned that his wife is career orientated rather she is spending a lot of time with friends both male and female. She clearly knows the correct etiquette because he mentions that she is charming towards people outside the home, but she is choosing not to behave well with her husband and in laws. Perhaps the brother might want to get to know her friends too, and join the social circle - if I was in his position that's probably something I would try to do, to understand her better. Also perhaps she enjoys going out etc and the brother may someone who likes staying at home, nothing wrong with that but perhaps both need to strike a balance. He shoukd her involved within his own social circles too eg meeting other married couples, so she can get to know their wives.
Also thanks for your advice re wives who are superior to their husbands in some regards. I agree I think it can be a point of insecurity for a lot of guys. But in the case of my husband I let him take charge of everything, I was expecting him to provide and be the man, I didn't demand anything from him but a place to live and even then I had offered my savings to him to use as he wanted ! Other than that I was down to earth and didn't give him a hard time over finances. But he used the opportunity to demand money from me, asking me to withdraw cash on our honey moon, saying i should pay for dinner if we went out, lying to me about his finances. His family demanding dowry eventhougn they hadn't provided a stable place for me live, causing me to move hotel to hotel in the first two months of marriage. I think before men enter a marriage they really need to understand their responsibilities as a husband and if they are in financial crisis then to just be open and upfront about it, a good woman will marry a person based on his decency and honesty rather than how much money he's earning.
Salam Alaikum& Jazak Allah!
Let's fast forward by 2 years (it has been this long since my post) - a lot has happened in this duration - certainly a lot of self-realization!
To make a long story short (though it is very difficult to put things in writing; wish I could discuss it with someone) - I ended up learning a lot about where I went wrong or might have been unfair. First of all, I truly believe that we're both at fault. I think what happened was that we went into a vicious circle of reacting to things that pissed us off about each other. Neither one of us showed enough patience or acceptance to the other. Ultimately, that pushed her away and she started to spend more time with her friends or in social activities, while not being intimate with me at all. Then, that would cause anger and frustration within me, and even if she'd ever come back to discuss things, I'd be too upset to be able to have a one-on-one with her. This would then get her aggravated, and she would go back to her TV serials and texting over the phone. That in turn would then boil my inside and trigger me to neglect her and so on...
You get the gist of it..!? This is what we had been doing to each other all this time. I cannot believe how stupid have we been - both of us - not just her.
I wish I had this figured out much earlier..
We are now in our 30's - I'm in late 30's and she's in her early to mid 30's. We've been married for 9 years. It was a love marriage. We both met while in university. We both are now professionals. She is career-oriented, independent and very opinionated, not that there's anything wrong with that. She's born and raised in the US; while I came here as a student and ended up settling, so there's some difference in the environments we were raised in, if that matters.
Anyway, here's the problem:
We stopped talking sometime in 2015; we gave each other a silent treatment for several weeks in late 2015; then one day she told me that she wanted to stay at her parents' for a few days (telling me that she wanted to clear her head). I told her there's nothing wrong with that - in fact, I used to always encourage her to spend time with her parents. So I thought it's a good thing.. Turns out, she ended up staying at her parents' for a few months, eventually got her own apartment (because she couldn't stand her parents being in her face and telling her everyday to go back to her husband). It has now been a few months since she left.
Initially, she'd stop by our house at times after her work to talk (which is a good thing), but she'd get too angry too often, the discussion would go south, and she would leave. Had she not gotten angry or potty-mouthed, things would've turn out just fine, I think. I also chased her a lot, and as a I realized some of my mistakes, I would beg for her forgiveness and tell her that we should both learn from our mistakes and start fresh instead of dwelling the past.
She ended up telling me that all the love she had for me has disappeared and that she cannot live that married life anymore. Now, if I even dare to approach her, she's very angry and hateful towards me. She threatened to file for "D" as well, which I clearly opposed - because, honestly, for whatever reason, I am still in love with my wife - especially when I know we both made mistakes that have brought us to this point. So I cannot solely blame her for everything, and willing to share the blame and work on things. However, in order to work on things, she needs to be willing, and she doesn't even want to see my face or pick up my phone. She kept asking for space for a few months, and according to her anytime I approached her, it violated that space. So I finally let it be and stopped contacting her - it has now been a very painful 1.5 month of no contact in hope that she would wonder why is this guy not chasing me anymore - but I hear nothing from her. The last communication I had from her was an email, where she admitted that she had anger issues and also a lot of anger built up over the years - so it is hard for her to forgive me - and if she cannot forgive me, then she cannot willingly be in marriage with me - and that she does not know how long will it take to heal anger-wise and to forgive me. Basically, she's left me in this state of uncertainty. I don't know if she will ever get rid of her anger or forgive me or come back.
Last few months have been torturous. I don't know what to do at this point of time. I am very confused. I do regret deeply about some of the things I did wrong - we both do. We both have acknowledged all the things that went wrong, and even genuinely apologized to each other. I guess I was nice enough to forgive her; how come she is not able to forgive me. Why has she built a wall around her and made her so inaccessible..What do I do??
Dear friend,I think you are wasting your time .For 4_5 years she has not allowed you to touch .This is unusual and there is no point in continuing this marriage ..There are higher chances of her having boyfriend outside aa she doesn't allow you to touch ...you both are wasting time ...High time you both should mutually gets separated ...
Yeah to be honest the fact that she has not let you be intimate with her for such a long period is alarming. The thought of her being involved with someone else, especially as she is spending a lot of time out and returning home late is something that also crossed my mind but I didn't want to say anything because its a big accusation. Hence why I suggested asking her if she really wants the marriage or whether she is looking for a way out. I've been through something similar in my marriage and she is behaving very similarly to my husband, who in hindsight was just trying to escape marriage and went into a world of bizarrness to leave the marriage rather than being upfront about it. 4-5 years is a long time to be patient, you need to think about yourself and take some significant steps to understand her behaviour and then make a decion about sustaining the marriage or divorcing.
Brother, you are a very patient man ma-sha-Allah. Frankly, I would not have put up with 1/10th of that. I would have divorced her. In fact, I would say divorce is the only solution for you. The "good girl" that you fell in love with was an illusion. She has shown you her true character. And she's right. You cannot change her or force her to be something she is not. Your choices are to stay with her as she is (which is making you miserable, and rightly so) or part company.
You're right that many people resort to divorce too quickly, taking the "easy way out". It's always better to try to repair the relationship. But for that to happen, both parties must be willing to compromise. There must be a fundamental foundation of respect and love. And doesn't sound like that foundation exists in your marriage.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam brother, you sound like me!!! I went through an even worse scenario of a husband that didn't really care much about me or my family. He also wanted to spend more time with friends than he did with me, and this was only in the first few months of marriage. Yes he had some good traits also eg he would have dinner ready etc if I was coming home late from work, take care of me whilst I was unwell etc but he didn't make me happy because I could see that I loved him more than he loved me, and what he did was superficial, it was a front. He also didn't want children any time soon, although he acknowledged we had problems he did nothing to improve the situation. Anyway to cut a long story short his behaviour was very bizarre just like your wife's and I couldn't understand why. I was very patient just like you, if I ever tried to talk to him it would lead to an argument. I understand your dilemma!
I think in situations like this it's difficult to talk to the other person because their not willing to listen! If she's not willing to try counselling, and face to face discussions lead to arguments then try putting things down in writing. I know it sounds silly but it may be more effective to do it this way and also sometimes it's easier to write your deeper thoughts onto paper than it is to speak about them.
Perhaps take some time out and go away for a holiday, go and relax your mind and take her away from her friends and other distractions. Make it a relaxing getaway and use the time to bond with her and as gently as possible try to break into her inner thoughts and feelings. Perhaps you could try counselling by yourself to work out how you communicate more effectively with your wife.
Try to establish whether she really wants this marriage. Her odd behaviour could be her way of looking for an excuse to leave the marriage buts she's not brave enough to say it.
Keep doing dua and istikhara. Place your trust in Allah swt.
Ultimately if things don't improve and you see no effort on her part it's best to have a final meeting with parents involved to discuss the issues. If she's willing to change then brilliant, if you still see no change then discuss divorce so that you can both move on respectfully.
Anyway those are my thoughts - I really pray that Allah swt blesses your marriage, and you are both able respect and understand each other and have a happy marriage, ameen.
Bucks: In one of your previous post you said " I was persistent in asking for my rights and getting to the bottom of things. And unfortunately I would become upset and angry in situations where I was being rejected intimacy eapecially since I tried to talk to him about it gently and went as far as asking what he wanted and how I could turn him on -I put effort into it to make it as pleasing for him as possible. I eventually would become angry and frustrated because my efforts were fruitless"
Curious, did your both go to sex therapist for this problem? It is quite possible he did not know what to tell you in response to your questions about how to turn him on. I don't think your husband had control over his erections or knew what to do make his system function.
That's a valid point but he knew exactly what he wanted and when. It wasn't a matter of getting erections, but control. He was fine when he wanted to be, and rejected me even if he was physically turned on as some sort of pubishment becsuse he knew it hurt me. He was being passive aggressive. He went on to cheat on me and sleep with another woman - he doesn't need a
Sex therapist ! He needs emaan!
Salam Alaikum& Jazak Allah!
Let's fast forward by 2 years (it has been this long since my post) - a lot has happened in this duration - certainly a lot of self-realization!
To make a long story short (though it is very difficult to put things in writing; wish I could discuss it with someone) - I ended up learning a lot about where I went wrong or might have been unfair. First of all, I truly believe that we're both at fault. I think what happened was that we went into a vicious circle of reacting to things that pissed us off about each other. Neither one of us showed enough patience or acceptance to the other. Ultimately, that pushed her away and she started to spend more time with her friends or in social activities, while not being intimate with me at all. Then, that would cause anger and frustration within me, and even if she'd ever come back to discuss things, I'd be too upset to be able to have a one-on-one with her. This would then get her aggravated, and she would go back to her TV serials and texting over the phone. That in turn would then boil my inside and trigger me to neglect her and so on...
You get the gist of it..!? This is what we had been doing to each other all this time. I cannot believe how stupid have we been - both of us - not just her.
I wish I had this figured out much earlier..
We are now in our 30's - I'm in late 30's and she's in her early to mid 30's. We've been married for 9 years. It was a love marriage. We both met while in university. We both are now professionals. She is career-oriented, independent and very opinionated, not that there's anything wrong with that. She's born and raised in the US; while I came here as a student and ended up settling, so there's some difference in the environments we were raised in, if that matters.
Anyway, here's the problem:
We stopped talking sometime in 2015; we gave each other a silent treatment for several weeks in late 2015; then one day she told me that she wanted to stay at her parents' for a few days (telling me that she wanted to clear her head). I told her there's nothing wrong with that - in fact, I used to always encourage her to spend time with her parents. So I thought it's a good thing.. Turns out, she ended up staying at her parents' for a few months, eventually got her own apartment (because she couldn't stand her parents being in her face and telling her everyday to go back to her husband). It has now been a few months since she left.
Initially, she'd stop by our house at times after her work to talk (which is a good thing), but she'd get too angry too often, the discussion would go south, and she would leave. Had she not gotten angry or potty-mouthed, things would've turn out just fine, I think. I also chased her a lot, and as a I realized some of my mistakes, I would beg for her forgiveness and tell her that we should both learn from our mistakes and start fresh instead of dwelling the past.
She ended up telling me that all the love she had for me has disappeared and that she cannot live that married life anymore. Now, if I even dare to approach her, she's very angry and hateful towards me. She threatened to file for "D" as well, which I clearly opposed - because, honestly, for whatever reason, I am still in love with my wife - especially when I know we both made mistakes that have brought us to this point. So I cannot solely blame her for everything, and willing to share the blame and work on things. However, in order to work on things, she needs to be willing, and she doesn't even want to see my face or pick up my phone. She kept asking for space for a few months, and according to her anytime I approached her, it violated that space. So I finally let it be and stopped contacting her - it has now been a very painful 1.5 month of no contact in hope that she would wonder why is this guy not chasing me anymore - but I hear nothing from her. The last communication I had from her was an email, where she admitted that she had anger issues and also a lot of anger built up over the years - so it is hard for her to forgive me - and if she cannot forgive me, then she cannot willingly be in marriage with me - and that she does not know how long will it take to heal anger-wise and to forgive me. Basically, she's left me in this state of uncertainty. I don't know if she will ever get rid of her anger or forgive me or come back.
Last few months have been torturous. I don't know what to do at this point of time. I am very confused. I do regret deeply about some of the things I did wrong - we both do. We both have acknowledged all the things that went wrong, and even genuinely apologized to each other. I guess I was nice enough to forgive her; how come she is not able to forgive me. Why has she built a wall around her and made her so inaccessible..What do I do??
Have a last conversation of your expectations of the relationship. If nothing comes of it, suggest a trial separation, but realize that this could either wake her up and make her appreciate you; or this might make her want a single life.
Yeah trial seperations can sometimes help, but that's not the islamic method. You can sleep in different rooms etc but it's advised to stay under the same roof. Sometimes seperwtion can make things worse and you can actually drift further apart. If you do decide to sepwrate then it should only be for a short period to help the couple clear their head.
Salama Aleikum brother,
I think you've received really good advice above. I just want to commend you for your patience. Keep being patient onshAllah and Allah swt Will Reward you inshAllah.
I feel so sorry for you and applauded you for your patience.
I don't even want to mention divorce but maybe it will be best if you talk to your wife have it all out with her. Get her family involved if you have to, you cant go on like this you deserve to be happy. From what you have typed your wife is one SELFISH woman and no one deserves to be treated like this.
Marriage is about respect, trust, love, commitment and compromise you don't have any of these qualities whats happening to people.
Salam brother, I don't have much to add from what everyone has advised you, but I just wanted to say you sound like a wonderful patient man, and I really hope you find happiness. You should be with someone who wants children. You will make an amazing father.
Salam Alaikum& Jazak Allah!
Let's fast forward by 2 years (it has been this long since my post) - a lot has happened in this duration - certainly a lot of self-realization!
To make a long story short (though it is very difficult to put things in writing; wish I could discuss it with someone) - I ended up learning a lot about where I went wrong or might have been unfair. First of all, I truly believe that we're both at fault. I think what happened was that we went into a vicious circle of reacting to things that pissed us off about each other. Neither one of us showed enough patience or acceptance to the other. Ultimately, that pushed her away and she started to spend more time with her friends or in social activities, while not being intimate with me at all. Then, that would cause anger and frustration within me, and even if she'd ever come back to discuss things, I'd be too upset to be able to have a one-on-one with her. This would then get her aggravated, and she would go back to her TV serials and texting over the phone. That in turn would then boil my inside and trigger me to neglect her and so on...
You get the gist of it..!? This is what we had been doing to each other all this time. I cannot believe how stupid have we been - both of us - not just her.
I wish I had this figured out much earlier..
We are now in our 30's - I'm in late 30's and she's in her early to mid 30's. We've been married for 9 years. It was a love marriage. We both met while in university. We both are now professionals. She is career-oriented, independent and very opinionated, not that there's anything wrong with that. She's born and raised in the US; while I came here as a student and ended up settling, so there's some difference in the environments we were raised in, if that matters.
Anyway, here's the problem:
We stopped talking sometime in 2015; we gave each other a silent treatment for several weeks in late 2015; then one day she told me that she wanted to stay at her parents' for a few days (telling me that she wanted to clear her head). I told her there's nothing wrong with that - in fact, I used to always encourage her to spend time with her parents. So I thought it's a good thing.. Turns out, she ended up staying at her parents' for a few months, eventually got her own apartment (because she couldn't stand her parents being in her face and telling her everyday to go back to her husband). It has now been a few months since she left.
Initially, she'd stop by our house at times after her work to talk (which is a good thing), but she'd get too angry too often, the discussion would go south, and she would leave. Had she not gotten angry or potty-mouthed, things would've turn out just fine, I think. I also chased her a lot, and as a I realized some of my mistakes, I would beg for her forgiveness and tell her that we should both learn from our mistakes and start fresh instead of dwelling the past.
She ended up telling me that all the love she had for me has disappeared and that she cannot live that married life anymore. Now, if I even dare to approach her, she's very angry and hateful towards me. She threatened to file for "D" as well, which I clearly opposed - because, honestly, for whatever reason, I am still in love with my wife - especially when I know we both made mistakes that have brought us to this point. So I cannot solely blame her for everything, and willing to share the blame and work on things. However, in order to work on things, she needs to be willing, and she doesn't even want to see my face or pick up my phone. She kept asking for space for a few months, and according to her anytime I approached her, it violated that space. So I finally let it be and stopped contacting her - it has now been a very painful 1.5 month of no contact in hope that she would wonder why is this guy not chasing me anymore - but I hear nothing from her. The last communication I had from her was an email, where she admitted that she had anger issues and also a lot of anger built up over the years - so it is hard for her to forgive me - and if she cannot forgive me, then she cannot willingly be in marriage with me - and that she does not know how long will it take to heal anger-wise and to forgive me. Basically, she's left me in this state of uncertainty. I don't know if she will ever get rid of her anger or forgive me or come back.
Last few months have been torturous. I don't know what to do at this point of time. I am very confused. I do regret deeply about some of the things I did wrong - we both do. We both have acknowledged all the things that went wrong, and even genuinely apologized to each other. I guess I was nice enough to forgive her; how come she is not able to forgive me. Why has she built a wall around her and made her so inaccessible..What do I do??