Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How do I confront my husband about his cheating?

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Assalam O Alaikum everyone,

I am 30 years of age and have been married to my cousin for 12 years, I have 3 children whom are my everything. From the first year of marrigae I've been experiencing troubles. I have been heartboken over and over again. In the beginning I would turn to family whom sided a lot with my husband believing my husbands lies that I was the reason he hated staying home and that I would always yell and scream and swear at him for coming home at 3-4 in the morning and that I showed him no respect.

He has held this against me until this day. He blames me for his dirty deeds. He use to hang out with the worst croud who spent all their days and night gambling flirting, cheating and drinking. I blamed my husbands actions on peer pressure as he was highly influenced by his mates. Six years passed and my father finally gave my husband a final ultimatum which was to leave the rebellious crowd his hanging out with or to leave me. My husband ended up leaving the crowd alhamdullilah and became a better husband, father and muslim.

He prays fasts and speaks of going to hajj inshallah. We have been happily married since then up until two days ago. I was shattered, my heart was broken once again. I have no physical evidence at this point but I have found a number of a women in his phone. This is the same number I found with him about two years ago. Back then he fooled me into believing  that he would call her to make orders for our business (stupid me believed him). I have not confronted him as yet however I know that he knows I'm suspicious from my constant questions.

A couple of days ago as we were both sitting he asked me if he can take my new car to work rather than his bombshell. This is when my suspicions began, he also said that he was going to be visiting a freind who is leaving overeseas after work that night and wont be home till late. I didn't say a word. He didn't take my car, however he did come home at 1 am that morning. When he woke up in the morning he had a shower before going to work, which I found very unusual because he only has a shower after sexual intercourse with me which is almost on a daily basis. I have never had issues with oue sex life never has he.

I wanted to just bury my suspicions and let it go but, I was too shaken by it all and couldn't get it out of my head. I began further investigating. I called and confirmed that he wasn't at his mates house at all that night and that he had left work at 11pm rather than 12am. I was devastated; I could barely stand on feet. I felt so weak and all I kept thinking about was my children and how they would react if I left their father who they adore dearly. I also love my husband but I am sick of constanly being heart broken. I dont know what to do and whether or not to leave him.

He has done a lot for himself since leaving the bad crowed he once hanged out with. We own three homes and a business and he seems very overprotective of me and the kids and makes sure we all pray and follow the right path. I feel he is being a little hypocritical. How can one pray and fear Allah swt and yet commit adultery. I would appretiate any advice on what I should do. Do I leave him or continue to live my life as though nothing has happened? Please tell me how do I confront him with the evidence of have on him and what do I say? I am so scared and confused HELP !

JAZAKALLAH KHAYRUN,

-It Works.


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25 Responses »

  1. ASA,

    Im sorry youre going through this shame, embarassment, disappointment, and trust issues. Please know that Allah doesnt intend on you feeling this away. You will continue to repat his test if you dont follow the guidance and rules of Allah instead of the wealth of man. Protect yourself and children from witnessing these dramatic stunts he pulls. Its not fair to you, the kids, and your father who was set out to protect his daughter. How can you properly function while thinkng about his wrong doings. This takes away from the children and the path Allah chose for you. I would never tell you to leave your husband, but sister he must be held accountable! If you continue to pretend nothing is happening you would eventually burst open with emotions. You should sit down and talk to your husband in a calm tone. Find out the truth, let your father know, and give him 90 days away from him to make things right. The Quran said good comes to those that are good to their wives. You are also held accountable for your husband to become the best servant of Allah..dont keep letting him mistreat you...Allah knows best

    • Salam alikum warahmato Allah wabrakatoh, I am 24 years old and my husband his 54 years old we being
      married for years and since,and I have got one child with him,I do love and care for my family
      but since the first year of our marriage he sayed he wants a second wife,knowing that he
      he promiss me before mariage that he will never take second wife,and I remind him what he promiss but he don't want to remember and now he is talking to one sister that he Engage long time before he meet me and he was sending her money and talking to her to one day she wake up and sayed to him I have got married to my cousin
      and now he is in toutch with her sending her love message
      while he never say love words to me ,I pray a lot that
      Allah take him from this fitna ,he like to look at sisters
      and I always tell him to low his gears.
      And he say that he tray but he can't miss
      that apart from that he is good husband at home he will
      help and care of and his only child

      him but he don't want remember,he is talking to another sister recently,I found a love message that he sent to her,I didn't want to face him but when we talk about in general
      he will say that people got certain reason for doing certain thingg,knowing I am treating him
      will and looking after him proparly and I am cooking for him,I do best
      that I can but I don't hear no love words,he will always find something to complain
      about.
      I don't want to cofront him about the message that I read just
      letting you this sister that his talking to now is the same sister that
      left him after he read the Fatiha with family and marry someone elese while he was sending
      While he was still working and talking to her many and now she is divorc

  2. Salam Sister,

    Being married to a cheating husband, especially one with whom you have children and given the best years of your life is one of the most excruciating things a woman can be subjected to. That feeling of betrayal and pain you feel the first time you suspect foul play or when the evidences are presented right before you is just so something else!!

    I am not condoning with the crime of passions we often hear about or watch on TV, because as Muslims, we must never take a person's life unjustly. However, it really does take a God-Fearing, patient and enduring person, to deal with a cheating spouse rationally as the first reaction is usually to hurt either him or the other woman the way you have been hurt.

    That aside Sister, as you mentioned, the latest incident occurred just a couple of days ago and understandably, your heart-wound is still fresh and painful so i suspect all rationality with just fly out of the window at this point

    What i would advise you is to not take any action now. Cool down first. Do a lot of prayers and Duas for Allah to calm your nerves down. ( I suspect that as at now, just the mere sight of him will disgust you as such, for the sake of the children, you should not take a uninformed decision at this point)

    When he senses the hurt in you, and how you are able to comport yourself with calmness and not being too confrontational, yelling and screaming as he used to alleged, then if he has any decency , am sure he will feel guilty and try to amend his ways.

    If it ensues however, you would need to ask yourself these questions...: will be able to forgive him ? Aside from his cheating ways, is he a good husband to you and is he a good father to his children? Does he still provide for you? Do he still show love, care and respect in his dealing with you ? If and when you make the decision to leave him, will you be able to STICK to this decision?( As we see women who divorce their husband yet engage in an affair with them especially if he goes on to marry the Other Woman), How would you feel if he goes on to marry the Other woman after you divorce? Will you be able to take care of your 3 children as a single mom? Will you be able to get a better man than him?

    I know some people will say am crazy or suffer from low-esteem but trust me sister, the reality is that no matter how good a a husband is, you will still need to make allowance for him. As no matter how good they are, there will always be a "but" or two. So its up to you as the wife to decide whether you can endure with patience that "but" for the sake of Allah or not.

    Please read the story of Asiyah. She was married to the worst man to ever live on this earth , Pharoah, yet she endured with patience for the sake of Allah and Allah rewarded her with a house in Jannat.

    http://www.suhaibwebb.com/ummah/youth/seeing-your-home-in-jennah-on-seeking-divine-help/

    Ask yourself whether you would want to take her as a role model or not.

    I apologize if i said anything wrong.

  3. Asalaam alaikum,

    You didn't mention if the phone number belonged to a woman who was actually cheating with in the past. So what you have is a one hour discrepancy, a phone number and a place he wasn't at. Granted with the past being what it was, this isn't promising, but you need to reel it back a bit and be convinced of what is happening before opening up the flood gates of suspicion.

    You said he wasn't at a certain place, so the best thing to do is be tactful in asking him about that night without accusing him. However, if you are feeling that something has truly happened, sit him down and ask him if something is wrong, if he is unhappy or if he feels that something is missing in your marriage. Be calm as possible, but be gently honest, too.

    As the sister above has said: trust in Allah (swt), make dua and then proceed for there. Just get a hold of yourself, first. Then you can address the situation clearly and quickly without destroying yourself in the process or your marriage, if it so happens that he is being faithful.

    • In addition, sister, it is a grave error to accuse without valid proof. You just suspect that he has committed adultery, but if he hasn't, then what would you do? You said he offers prayers, fasts, and so on. If you think he is having a hypocrytic nature, then, wisely speak to him about what you feel and have this clarified at once. Regarding taking shower, that does not make him an adulterer. A man, if he has an ejaculation of sperm, is obliged to do Ghusl.

      I do not know if your husband is guily of what you have accused him, but, my first perception, if I was in your place, would be what I mentioned.

      Do not give a chance to Shaitaan, to destroy your home.

      May Allah Give you strength
      Aameen
      Wassalamualaikum
      Muhammad Waseem

    • Professor X,

      I have been meaning to ask, is there any way i can have your email address? You offered me an invaluable piece of advice some months back when i was so down and depressed. I need your take on something very crucial please.

      Thank you very much in advance

      Your Sister in Islam.

      • Asalaam alaikum,

        The Editors will not allow an exchange of contact information here, especially between a man and woman. Overall, this is a very good rule.

        However, you can always submit a question here and I'll more than willing to offer what advice I can offer, Insha'allah.

    • Salaam, i am married for 2 yrs and 4 months.

      (ruby, please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

  4. Sa dear brothers and sisters, I really appreciate the time you have taken to respond to my so needed advice. I am yet very confused and unsure of what to do. I love my husband dearly and can't even imagine life without him, however it kills me to see him going on with his every day lifestyle like nothings happend showing no remorse for any of his action now and in the past whilst I am always left to cry myself to sleep every night. My husband has a very bad history of wrong doings for this reason I lack trust in him. I know it is wrong to be suspicious and may Allah swt forgive me for this. Alhamdullilah I can proudly say that I am a faithful and obedient wife who tries to please her husband in every way and to fulfill his sexual desires. It was two years ago when I found the number of the women who mind you is married with 4 kids divorced and remarried recently with one kid. At that time when I found her number in my husbands phone log a number of times, I confronted her and she was in denial. So I like always forgave my husband and moved on just until recently when I found her number again on a number of occasions. It hurst me to see her number and the call duration for like 20- half an a hour and not see my number (his wife ) not once. I know I don't have solid proof about any physical adultery,however from my knowledge adultery is committed visually with the eye verbally with the tongue and physically with the private parts. I am also aware that a male ejaculates sperm but it justs happens to be a same day coincidence (I'm not so sure ).i really believe my husband is a good muslim but my constant forgiveness for his betrayal has made him take advantage of me. It's been 9 days since I confronted my husband about this issue, and like always his in denial and becomes very aggressive.We havent shared a bed since and we can't even look each other in the eye. I have tried to be strong and pateint for the sake of my children and the sake of Allah swt for this reason I have not told a single soul. Last night I did istikara and I did see my husband in my dream but it was a unclear dream . I will repeat for 7 days until inshallah Allah guides me to do the right thing by him. Above I mentioned how good a wife I am , however I can't deny I haven't been the best muslimah. Please don't get me wrong I am a good honest faithful muslimah just not the best I can be. I pray on and off all he time,could this be a punishment for me or should I accept it as a trial from Allah swt,because alhamdullilah since this problem occurred I have been steadfast in my salat and make continuous dua. I feel more closer to Allah swt than ever before. Alhamdullilh i have come to a conclusion of not wanting a divorse, however I don't want to return to my husband with ease making him think that I have forgiven him and giving him another chance to walk all over me again. I don't think I can handle this pain again. I want my husband with to feel remorse and stop what his doing even if its casual chats with women because this is haram and can lead to much more.Please if anyone can give me any advice on how I should go about this ,it would be greatly appreciated.

  5. Wa Alaikum as Salam sister,

    Now that you have proof that he has been speaking to other women, I suggest you to mention this to him and ask him to fear Allah, to Whom we all will have to return on the Final Day. If this does not work, then involve the elders from his family. I know your father has spoken to him, but if your parents in law also get involved, or someone else who has an influence on him is involved, then insha Allah, it will have some effect.
    We had this program on "Muslim Family" by Nisar Nadiadwala of IRF, India. He mentioned a point, which could work, but, I am not sure. He said if the husband doesn't seem loyal and isn't ready to give up this evil, then the wife should warn that she will part from him, along with his children. I say she could also move to her parents' place if required.
    But before all this, make doubly sure that you are not mistaken. And wisely work out on knowing the truth from your husband, or perhaps calling that number from your husband's phone or something like that.

    Regarding yourself, do not worry, and try hard to be a good Muslimah by Pleasing Allah and Remembering Him, Fearing Him to the extent possible.

    Note that these advises are my personal ones and need not be the best courses of action.

    I hope I be of little help
    May Allah make this easy for you
    Aameen
    Wassalamualaikum
    Muhammad Waseem

  6. Sa brother thanks again but I really don't wish to involve anyone in this problem especially not my parents who have managed to forgive him for his past. Everyone thinks that my husband is a perfect Muslim man who has changed dramatically even I his wife believed this until recently. This lady he calls is someone I know and have heard a lot about she is unfortunately a cousin of mine who has no fear of Allah SWT. May Allah yihdeyha wa yahdina. Ameen! Since confronting my husband 8 days ago he was furious and swore to god he will not speak to me no more. We have not said a word to each other since. How do we resolve this issue and how do I get through this depression. Please I need some guidance on how to get my marriage back on track.

    • Sister,
      The fact that he id furious can mean one of two things:

      1) he is innocent and deeply hurt that you do not trust him despite all his efforts in becoming a better Muslim n husband to u.

      ..2) he is not innocent but instead of being remorseful ( some men take cheating to be so normal n feel that once they are fulfilling their responsibilities then what they do with their free time n money is not d wife's problem) they will play mind game on u by making u feel guilty of being an ungrateful, troublesome n impatient wife.

      Only God knows wic of these two fits ur husband's case. So keep praying to Him for guidance n whilst at it, continue to carry out ur full duties as a wife n mother. Do not slack in doing so.

    • Sister, I understand. If you do not wish to involve others in this, its fine. Now that we know the other woman involved is your cousin, I would suggest the following.

      Reach your husband's phone by any means and see in the log if the calls you mentioned were received by your husband or dialed by him. This can speak a lot if you understand what I mean. You can know if she is trying to break your home or if he talks to her by choice. If it is a mix of received and dialed, then both the above situations exist.

      If your cousin does not fear Allah, your husband does, I believe, even if in the least. And a man who has little fear of Allah would come back to the truth after all. You have stopped talking to each other since you confronted him. It is possible that he isn't wrong, Allah knows Best. Maybe it is the girl who is wrong and responsible for all this. If you stay silent for more time, it could create a still worse issue. A man, if he does not find what he finds at home, possibilities are high that he goes outside to find it. So, have control over the situation.
      Talk to him gently. Give him examples from the Ahadith such as this one from Sahih al Bukhari:

      Narrated by Al-Mughira: Sa'd bin 'Ubada said, "I will not hesitate killing my wife with a sword if I see her with another man." This news reached Allah's Apostle who then said, "You people are astonished at Sa'd's gheerah (self-respect, honour). By Allah, I have more gheerah than he, and Allah has more gheerah than I, and because of Allah's gheerah, He has made unlawful shameful deeds and sins done in open and in secret.

      After this, you can ask "Do I have no right to be angry over someone (your cousin) who tries to break my home? Who tries to interfere in our married life?" You can also mention to him that the girl is no good and has no fear of Allah. He would say he was not wrong. Say alright, but beware of that woman.
      You can also warn her, inform her parents that she intends to interfere in your married life and should be kept under control. This can be more strong, if the phone logs showed received calls in your husband's phone. If they say that its your husband's mistake, then ask them to be in control and not initiate any contact with your husband.

      If your husband agrees to this and is alright, then you can proceed further by blocking her number on his phone, which is possible using call filtering applications for phones. But if he makes calls by choice, this won't work. Hence, you should do what you can, by your words. Act wisely and not out of anger. Anger would lead you nowhere.

      Make Du'as to Allah, seek refuge from Shaitaan, keep reciting Surah al Baqarah, because according to a Hadith, Shaitaan runs from a home where al Baqarah is recited.

      I'd be glad to help you, if you further need some, insha Allah.

      I pray that Allah Brings you both together as you were before,
      Aameen
      Wassalamu'alaikum
      Muhammad Waseem

      • Sister, I recalled an Aayah from the Qur'aan, looking at the picture above, mentioning "SUSPICION"

        It is from Surah al Hujuraat, Aayah 12:

        O you who believe! Avoid much suspicions, indeed some suspicions are sins. And spy not, neither backbite one another. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? You would hate it (so hate backbiting) . And fear Allah. Verily, Allah is the One Who accepts repentance, Most Merciful.

        Make sure your actions do not go against this Aayah. Make sure you do not backbite in the process, but telling him that the woman is no good, is a necessity here.

  7. Asalaam alaikum,

    The advice give above is very good and there is a great deal of caution within it, which is also commendable.

    I do have one question, however. Did I understand you correctly when you said that this woman/cousin had remarried and thus, is currently married?

  8. Sa , thank you so much Muhammad i appretiate your support and advice may Allah swt reward you and increase your knowlege. Professor x, yes brother she is my cousin who was married than divorsed with 4 kids and now married again with one kid. Brothers one question how can I speak to him when he has promised not to speak to me. Should I involve a sheik? jazakh Allah!

    • He has said that out of anger. Speak to him outright, but with patience. I don't think there is a need to involve a Shaikh. Look for an opportunity and speak to him. He may try to avoid, but will eventually listen, insha Allah.

  9. Assalam o alaikum. I have been married for 22 years. I had love marriage. Now i ve 4 children, which r grown up now. Before 6 years my husband went to attend his friends marraige in pakistan, as we r living in saudia. There he attracted a dancer, which was also a prostitute. He met her again n started liking her. She trapped him as she is very helpless, n she does all this for the sake of money n in the pressure of her brother n mother. My husband told me all this. I felt sorry for her n decided to help her financially. I also phoned her almost on the daily basis to keep her moral high. But at the back my husband n she cheated on me, and had illegal relationship. Whithin a year my husband made 5 trips to pakistan by saying of business tour. I kept contacted with that lady to help her morally. We also opened a bank account for her in pk n keep a big amount for her. Which she used within days. My husband said its ok, may she needs money. Then i caught mms' s on my husband' s mobile. I realized there is something else between my husband n that lady. I truted my husband v much. I didnt dout my husband but on her and asked my husband. Then he told me that i married that lady, it was a big shock for me. My bloodpressure shooted up, n i was hospitalized. Then my husband took outh that he is not married with her, he just wanted to ask my reaction. And he told me he left her n they had no more relations. I trusted him again. After one year, after coming back from vacations, i found her pictures in his laptop. Even i saw my necklace in her neck which my husband gave me on my first night after marriage n he taken it back saying he will make for me something new as it is now old. I again got in shock. I asked my husband and then he admitted he got married with that lady, n i will keep her aside. She will not interfare in our life. But now i cant trust him again, i argued, but his relationship got mature. And he didnot agreed to leave her. My elder daughter is of the same age of that lady n my husband has no issues about his children, n their future. I tried to realize him but he started to beat me. Now after 6 years this game is on. He is very disturbed. He has continious headach. He has no interests in his work or business. I offered him again and again to bring her with him but in that case i cant live with him. For this he is not ready. May be he loves me but he loved her a lot. But on the other side he cant make bad his image in the society. He will never tell about this to anybody. I love him a lot even do anything but i cant bare the other woman with my husbands name. Now the situation is getting worse. Whenever we argue, he started breaking things n abuse, n beat me a lot. Now my all children know every thing. They also understand all this. They started hating him. He is in much pain. I asked him to leave me n keep her, but he is not agree, he said he cant leave me.
    Now plz somebody tell me in this all situation, what should i do? I love my husband, my children r grownup. Every two or three days he fights on minor issues and altimately that lady get into. Then he beats me a lot. Abuses me. He even beats me in front of my children. I m confused, if he dont want to leave me because he loves me or because of the reputation of me in here. I m a well educated (relegiously as well as a MA degree holder) lady with well honored family, i m not less in any means than him. He is just matric fail, n v weak religious background . He is not even read Quran. He was not offering salah. After marriage i made him to do all. Now when ever he got angry he not offer salah. My only demand is, i cant afford to accept his marraige.

  10. Salaams,

    Please log in and submit your question in a separate post, and we will answer it in turn in shaa Allah.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • I'm hurt my husband cheated on me many many time. I'm a good Muslim I have kids. Why is he hirting me so much. Please remember me in your prayes. I love my husband he say he love me. But he alwayes txt girls and he tell them to send picture.im Hurt my world is dark. Alhamdolila. Please make duha for me and my husband so he want do this again. I have not say everything becouse I have clean my heart to another weside it's for Muslims. I hope they answer me soon. Becouse I'm drying inside no one know how I fell but allah. Ya allah to open doors for us.allah you keep all Muslim safe.

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