How do i get rid of guilt?
Asalamualaikum dear brothers and sisters.
I am really on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I am 21 yrs old. I live in UK. I am a pious muslimah. MashaAllah I pray five times, fast during ramadhan, wear hijab and try to stay away from haram things. MashaAllah I have never had a boyfriend, infact I speak very little with the guys in my university. I am held back while having a conversation with a person of opposite sex. I was very happy with my life, but my life got screwed up a month ago when my classmate proposed to me. He wants to marry me. It came as a big shock for me. I didn't accept his proposal. I told him that I will marry as per my parent's choice, and my parents will never agree for this alliance as he is from India and I am from pakistan.
The problem is that I want to avoid him but I can't. we study in the same class and it becomes difficult to avoid him. He even calls me sometimes. I don't want to answer his calls but I can't stop myself. I end up picking up his call, although we just talk about studies and nothing else. But I feel guilty when ever I speak to him. this guilt is killing me from inside. I vow every single morning that I'll not speak to him but I end up speaking to him. I have started to hate myself for this.
I can't concentrate on my prayers anymore. I feel Allah is going far from me. I think I am a weak Muslim thats why I can't avoid him. I feel Allah hates me now. Please help me. How do I get rid of this feeling? how do I avoid him? Have I lost my purity by talking to him even after knowing about his feelings for me? Please help me. I want to get close to my Allah once again.
-credulous
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Salaams,
I guess I'm a little confused. It seems as though you were saying that you didn't accept this boy's proposal not only because your parents would be unsupportive, but I also got the feeling that you yourself weren't interested in him. If you don't care about him on any level, then it shouldn't be a problem to avoid his calls and so forth. Maybe I misunderstood things, because now I am thinking that perhaps you are interested in him on some level because you do continue to affiliate with him. Maybe you do like him, but you are trying to suppress those emotions because you believe your parents will not accept him. That certainly would cause the kind of guilt you are talking about.
If you DO like him, that in and of itself is nothing you should feel guilty about. However, having private conversations or meetings with him when you know you shouldn't will cause appropriate feelings of conviction. Even though you say your parents will not accept him because he is from a different country, this is not a valid reason to reject a proposal. If this boy is also Muslim and doing his best to stay true to the deen, then your parents should evaluate him with a broader mind. I realize you respect your parents and their assessment of any potential suitors that may come, but the truth is that when it comes to marriage the choice is YOURS, not theirs. You are not required to hand over that choice to them arbitrarily.
The solution to this lies in you talking to your parents about what has happened. Be honest with them. Tell them that everything was going fine until a boy proposed to you, and you like him as well. Tell them what qualities he has that would make him a good husband, and tell them that you need to have them meet him and get to know him so that this will no longer distract you from your studies and your ibadah. If it ends up that they stay firm in their position and you want to respect that, then perhaps you can talk to them about transferring to a different school so that this will no longer complicate your focus going forward.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Asalamualaikum
I am very happy to share this with you that i have finally managed to cut all the contact with this guy. I don't take his calls anymore. I hardly speak to him at uni. I feel so relieved now. I feel i am more closer to my Allah now.
Dear Sister,
MaashaAllah on your struggle to please Allah, any decent man would not keep bothering you on the phone if you were not interested in him. Be cautious of giving number out.
Do bear in mind though, that if a good pious man does propose to you in the right manner, there is no need to feel frightened. If you feel there is potential, convey this to your parents, thereby handing the matter over to them. By involving your parents in the first stages, you avoid secrecy and potential for fitnah.
Stay close to Allah and your parents.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor