Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How do I know if he is sincere?

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Sincerity

AssalamuAlaikum,

Dear Wael, I read in one of your posts, that if a girl was not a virgin and she was starting a new relationship she shouldn't tell the man about it.

I've already posted in this forum and I want to ask that I'm not a virgin but thanks to ALLAh s.a.w. I've found a person who adores me and wants to marry me, and I've also told him about the truth, and he still accepts me for who I am. His attitude towards me hasn't changed one bit.

But due to my past and my mental calibre, I cant come to believe in it.

Is this true or is he like others and just using me?

He wants to marry me, he even wants to send his parents to my parents, only me and him know of my truth. But saying is one thing and doing is another right?

How should I know that I wont be disappointed and suffer again, if things are getting better or if they are getting worse?

- taniz


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2 Responses »

  1. Dear Taniz, Asalaamualaikum

    If he has not changed since you confided in him and he still treats with you respect and love, accept this from him. Is he is mindful of Allah, humble and kind? Or does he judge you?

    Use your experiences to learn from and to be vigilant. If this man tries to overstep the boundaries of Islam with you and taunts you with your past - you know you need to take a step back and question your relationship with him. If he says that he wants to bring his family to your house but then keeps delaying it, or/and in the meantime wants to have haraam relations with you, then I would say you have serious reason to doubt his intentions.

    But do not doubt the man's sincerity, unless he gives you reason to doubt. Taniz, there truly are good people in the world aswell. Maybe you have met so many bad apples that you are frightened to trust again. Don't let your experiences make you unecessarily suspicious of him or drive him away. Be open with him and tell him you are feeling.

    You have made tawbah, continue making tawbah but have faith in Allah that He has forgiven you. Do not ruin your future because of your past and with your feelings of guilt. You have a future in front of you with someone who appears to be caring, kind and non-judgemental. Let his family come around and ask for your hand and let go of your guilt. Turn your guilt in to something positive. Use it to turn to Allah whole heartedly, read your salaah and engage in voluntary worship. Let your past experience be a blessing in disguise for you - the blessing being that it has brought you closer to Allah.

    Do not engage in a physical relationship with this man and make sure to be wary of how you speak with him as well. Remember hijaab is not just external but also internal. So, be mindful of Allah and He(swt) will keep you alert and secure inshaAllah.

    SisterZ :O)
    X

  2. Salaam my sister,

    You will know if he is sincere when he comes to your parents and asks for you officially. If he does that, then he is sincere. I am sure it will happen in the near future, relax, don't worry, you deserve love and joy in your life.

    I can see from your statement "due to my past and my mental calibre" that because of whatever your experience has been to date, you have alow self esteem as you cannot see the value of you. When we have low self esteem we believe that we are unworthy of love, acceptance and adoration. Thisis what you are experiencing now - this "cant believe it" feeling when someone actually does love and accept you as you are.

    Do not ever put yourself down, because our value lies in the level of generosity in our hearts and devotion to those around us. It is not in our IQ level, our income, our past, our beauty or anything like that. It is in the quality of our character and in the sincerity and capacity for love in our hearts - it is in our possiblities for the future.

    Elhamdulilah, you have found a good man who understands that so invite him round to your parent's house, and inshaAllah live a long and happy life together.

    Peace,
    L

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