Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How do I make my husband desire me?

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Salaam alaikum all, I am in desperate need of advice. I have been married for three and a half years. Alhamdulillah blessed with two amazing boys.

My issue is with my husband's lack of interest in me. We have not had physical relations in about four months - in the last year we have been together twice maybe. My husband works long hours and we don't really spend much time together anymore.

At the beginning of our marriage I used to dress up so much for him and do a lot to make him happy. But even then he would hardly come to me - my desires were very strong and needs were not being fulfilled! I made dua for it to become easier for me and my desires subsided!

I used to talk to him and explained that for me I associated love and closeness as part of physical intimacy. I became very self conscious about the way I looked. Because no matter what I did my husband didn't find me attractive enough to come to me.

Now it's go to a point where I am so worried a out our marriage and my husband. How can a man go without sexual relations with his wife for so long without having his natural urges and desires fulfilled? How do I Make him want me? I feel very vulnerable so find it hard to make such an effort when he mostly doesn't notice? Is this normal or should I just accept it?

This part is some of the issues in my relationship. Please advise me!!!

- Umm Mariam


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24 Responses »

  1. Sounds awkward, but you have to always dress exotic. Let your husband experience something new in the bed. I know what I'll tell you now to do you won't do it. try to roll play of different pronstart at different times, just for your husband and your family.

    I wish you good luck on your married life.

    Jazakallah khairan!!

    • Anna,

      I had to delete parts of your comment. Please remember your Islamic manners and hayaa when offering advice on such matters.

      Thank you.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Salaams,

    Based on my experience in two marriages, a man truly doesn't go that amount of time not fulfilling his needs when there is an outlet for it. If he has not been with you in 4 months, and only twice in the past year, I tend to believe that he is probably relieving that need in some other fashion- by masturbation or Allah forbid, a haraam relationship. I am not saying this to distress you, I am saying this because changes like these are a red flag for a relationship.

    I think you need to talk to your husband about what's going on. You can't just sit there wondering, playing guessing games, and putting so much futile effort into trying to get his attention without even knowing the root problem. You've already tried the subtle route by trying to be attractive and interested, now you just need to sit him down and have a serious talk. Tell him that what has happened in your sex life is a big problem, and you want to understand what's going on in his world. Go ahead and ask him, "Why haven't you been with me except twice this whole year?" See where the conversation goes. Insha'Allah, this will have been just some really extreme neglect on his part and he will be willing to remedy it. If it's something more than that, it's good to know now so you both can start dealing with it before further problems arise.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. I agree with Amy at least 3 times a week a man wanna be with his wife because I'm married and marsallah my husband would wanna get close to me more then that I till him no lol, I think it's a red flag you gotta ask him why is he acting like this. Till him how you feel about all this. Insallah everything work out.

  4. Assalamaolykum ,,

    I would like sister Amy to think from a positive perspective first rather presuming things and instigating a doubt in sisters mind. The main problem usually man hide is there MEDICAL STUFF , he might be suffering from sexual problems such as erectil dysfunction , this and tat.. Talk to him and take him in confidence.. Because things like this are to be sorted out with mutual understanding.

    And i advise you ukhti do not take any steps out of your grudge to fulfill your desires.. May allah protect you and keep u away from all sorts of vice ameen

    • Salaams,

      I can only say what my personal experience has been, along with what my current husband confides in me about "how men work" (and I do tend to think he knows what he's talking about!) Aside from that, I believe mos medically based issues would be apparent from the beginning, not starting after two years of a healthy and active sex life (unless this man is past his prime physically). Perhaps a male perspective can shed additional light on the subject.

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Sister Umm Mariam,

        Since Amy asked for a mans perspective, here it is.

        Background on me so you can understand my perspective: I am a revert since the beginning of February. I am getting a divorce from my Buddhist wife, started late last year, done soon.

        Over the last five years, my ex and I rarely had relations. Maybe 5 or 6 times. I was not interested because she did not support me emotionally in other areas.

        She look to me to solve every problem and do every chore. I would wash clothing, clean bathrooms, and work full time. She did not work. So I felt the relationship was not even. If there are areas where your husband feels the relationship is not even. If there are uneven areas, then he may withdraw. Sometimes men don't talk or express themselves enough.

        But also, if it goes long enough without being with you, he will probably give in to haram desires either by himself or, Allah forbid, with someone. If his deen is strong, me may just be celibate. But he is cutting you off and there is a reason for it. Go to him with understanding and compassion and ask him what is wrong.

        If he is not forthcoming, you might try another approach and suggest that the two of you plan a day or evening doing something together, where you can share the things that you enjoy together, to re-kindle the natural urges that Allah gives a husband and wife. It could be he just needs a jump start to get him in the mood.

        Men can also be very egotistical. You might try complementing him and reminding him of what a good husband he is. How he is able to provide you such great pleasure, and you miss his affectionate touch.

        But whatever you do, don't ignore this. Address it as soon as you can so that Shaytan cannot build a wall between the two of you. Your two amazing boys need to have a good example of a loving husband and wife, and the affection you show each other behind closed doors effects your attitude and how you treat each other in front of them. Act now for their sake.

        I hope this has been of some help, my sister.

  5. of course u need to ask him n talk about what's bothering u in details.....it is not a normal thing to want to be with u only twice a year ....so he must be resorting to some other way ...i kno exactly wht u talking about..i been married for 3 n a half years too n i used to dress up for my hubby every day n night now i don't anymore koz men are selfish...but i won't bother u with my issues koz my problem is different from urs....

    i would want to think positive too n say ur husband is not getting it somewhere else but u need to find out what it is ASAP .....good luck

  6. Walaikumsalaam sister,

    This issue has come up once again, and i will try my best to help you though it will take effort on both your parts.

    A woman has needs and if not fulfilled will impact on her heavily, but the desire is not the problem but something else, excuse me if i am wrong but my guess is your relationships isnt at its best.

    A man is like a machine when it comes to arousal and especially sexual arousal, the brain processes much quicker, the heart races and he reaches a natural 'high', but if a machine is running all day, and is worn out, and if the machine feels 'low', it becomes hard to reach arousal and hence the 'high'. In your case your husband works long hours and is exhausted when he returns and in turn lacks the energy to be aroused, and hence your relations have been few, however nothing in the last few months shows that other problems are at work.
    Since your husband works long hours, as you say your contact is limited and hence the bond is distorted and without this bond, it is hard for him to feel emotionally attatched to you and hence the desire is not there. but sex is a key part of marriage, in todays world many men satisfy themselves through various means, sex being the main one but forget the woman or neglect her needs, this leads to the cracks in a marraige, since the woman feels unwanted or unloved almost, and hence a stage of weak emotion for a period of time, this develops more until it becomes to hard to bare, and leads to depression etc.

    The solution requires effort from both partners, in order to make your husband desire you their has to be a build up of emotion and feeling, after all you cant lust after something you have no feeling for.

    You must start talking to your husband and find out more about him, whats his likes and dislikes and other personal information about him, this move will make him notice the change in you and he will value that you take a keen interest in his life. As you learn more about him he will feel inclined to ask you, its a innate response in men to respond to their lovers interests etc. it wont happen overnight, but the time you take will be beneficial, its not a process of a checklist of questions, but rather a well timed interest in his personal life and you can also share some of your stories with him, make him laugh and relax a little, if the atmosphere is hostile then the responses will be blunt.

    Once you start to develop this relationship, start smiling more and slowly start with a hug or two after work, maybe even a kiss but make it transitional not at once, so if you had a good conversation the day before, hug him after work he will notice the change in mood and it will impact on him, men work in a way in which they either consciously but more often sub consciously pick up on a womans mood, and it in turn impacts on them, it reduces stress levels and makes their emotional side show slightly. since time with him is limited, try to make it 'your time' and keep the kids away during that time since this relives the stress and also you have nothing on your mind etc.
    These are the basics and once you feel that things are changing and he is forming a stronger emotional bond with you, continue as you are keeping the mood relaxed and removing and stressors from his mind, the change in him will be great, he will be more lively and certainly more attentive towards you, if he works long and always has stress, his time off you must put him in a stress-free zone and he will respond, since you make him feel 'free' which is hard to achieve in stressful times.

    So once you have are at a stage when you feel that you have this bond with your husband, you will notice his sex drive slightly increase, he may touch you a few times on the hand or leg etc. even if not his mind will adjust and will start creating images he likes, since the mind wants the emotional side to have the feel good factor and so creates images of high arousal. but trust me you will see a difference, especially when you hug him after work, compare how he reacts when you do that first and over time, you will realise his grip is stronger and he may even hold for longer or may even volunteraly kiss you, and this is for sure a positive sign.

    So now i have explained the basics,i will explain how to gain his interest on a regular and consistence basis, when a man is young he pictures his wife or imagines his wife through images created by the brain, these images are usually very sexual and are means that the brain uses to arouse a man. most men feel dissappointment at the results because their wife dosent match up to their expectations, but those expectations are unrealistic because the brain has created the best image it can, however once the man is married, the brain knows that the original fantasy is no more, and so it creates images of the wife in the best way possible to arouse the man.
    Now we live in a world dominated by media messages and images, our minds pick up these images and more often than not we would like our wives to adopt what we see or watch, but we dont feel the need to tell them, it makes the man sound petty and the man does not wish to upset his wife.
    Tight clothes, short skirts, you get the picture, so certainly if a wife was to adopt this dress code it would backup those image within the husbands mind, and would make him sexually aroused and certainly in lust for you, the power of social media in this case would be in your favour, in fact from personal experience you should ask your husband to dress you in something he finds attractive or a turn on, this would be a perfect solution, do this maybe once a month.

    But more important than the clothes is you, and what you feel about your body and yourself, you must feel confident in how you look and reinforce the belief that you are good for your husband, only then can you gain compliments from him. develop a urge in him without giving yourself to him, let him fantasise about you and when he tries to come close ask him to describe you, and if you smile he can have you, the compliments you get will boost you, and your brain will transmit that to your body, and your body will be more relaxed and less tense, it is known that a man finds a women who is relaxed more attractive because of the energy she gives off. a womans needs must be met and you must tell him what to do, control him and ask him to pleasure you as you wish, engage him in foreplay and if he tries to move up, push him back and keep at foreplay for atleast 30mins, let him arouse you and himself to the point in which you both cannot hold back, only then continue and entice him more and more so that the enjoyment he gets, will leave him wanting more, after ask him to take a shower with you this builds trust and love, be spontaneous and try something different with him, reptition can become boring and a unexpected change can really boost a man, their are now edible lubricants available which are halal to use and these can also make a difference from the norm.

    The key to get a man to keep wanting more is to leave him replaying the same scenario over and over again, you see once you achieve this the love will become more apparent, he will praise you more and inturn you will feel more good sbout yourself and your body. The phrase goes make him know what hes missing, and once you achieve your first success, the rest should be easy but dont make everything end up in bed, you can ask him to pleasure you while watching tv or any other time, but the key is to keep him wanting you to a point in which you feel priceless.
    Over time its become commen, muslims treat sex as a job or necessary activity for the sake of children etc, and so not only does the wife not feel pleasure, the excitement is played down and it becomes pushed back, and so many fights break out and hostile enviroment becomes apparent, however having sexual contact regularly will reduce stress, re-ignite love, but other not obvious benefits include better health and lower chance of catching a flu or cold, since immune system functioning is always strong.

    I give you this advice with confidence and believe it can benefit you, it takes energy from both of you but certainly you should see a difference insha'Allah.

    All the best

  7. Just to say I read something interesting today about men in general which may be of interest to you and provide another angle. Of course I do agree to try and increase intamicy and dress nicely for him etc. I hope it is of use to you InshaAllah. I dont know how true it is - and every man is different but still you may find it useful.
    May Allah swt put Barakah in your marriage and give you both happiness.
    Ameen

    Guarding your marriage: Do a Life Lesson on love

    1.Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected. Husbands need to know that their wives respect them both privately and publicly. Men thrive when they know that their wives trust them, admire them and believe in them. Shaunti Feldhahn’s research indicated that men would rather sense the loss of loving feelings from their wives than to be disrespected by them.

    2.A man’s anger is often a response to feeling disrespected by his wife. When a husband becomes angry with his wife, he may not come out and say, “You’re disrespecting me!” But, there is a good likelihood that he is feeling stung by something his wife has done which he considers disrespectful and humiliating.

    3.Men are insecure. Men are afraid that they aren’t cutting it in life — not just at work, but at home, in their role as a husband. They may never vocalize this, but inwardly, they are secretly vulnerable. The antidote? Affirmation. To men, affirmation from their wives is everything! If they don’t receive this affirmation from their wives, they’ll seek it elsewhere. When they receive regular & genuine affirmation from their wives (not flattery), they become much more secure and confident in all areas of their lives.

    4.Men feel the burden of being the provider for their family. Intellectually, it doesn’t matter how much or little a man makes, or whether or not his wife makes more or less money in her career. Men simply bear the emotional burden of providing for their family. It’s not a burden they’ve chosen to bear. Men are simply wired with this burden. As such, it is never far from their minds and can result in the feeling of being trapped. While wives cannot release their husbands from this burden, they can relieve it through a healthy dose of appreciation, encouragement and support.

    5.Men want more sex. Everyone’s natural response to this is probably, “Duh!” But, that response is probably for the wrong reason. We primarily assume that men want more sex with their wives due to their physical wiring (their “needs”). But, surprisingly, Shaunti Feldhahn’s research showed that the reason men want more sex is because of their strong need to be desired by their wives. Men simply need to be wanted. Regular, fulfilling sex is critical to a man’s sense of feeling loved and desired.

    6.Sex means more than sex. When men feel their wives desire them sexually, it has a profound effect on the rest of their lives. It gives them an increasing sense of confidence and well-being that carries over into every other area of his life. The flipside of this coin also carries a profoundly negative affect. When a husband feels rejected sexually, he not only feels his wife is rejecting him physically, but that she is somehow rejecting his life as a husband, provider and man. This is why making sex a priority in marriage is so incredibly important!

    7.Men struggle with visual temptation. This means the vast majority of men respond to visual images when it comes to women. And, this doesn’t just mean the guys with wandering eyes. Even the most godly husband cannot avoid noticing a woman who dresses in a way that draws attention to her body. Even if it is just a glance, these visual images are stored away in the male brain as a sort of “visual rolodex” that will reappear without any warning. Men can choose whether to dwell on these images and memories or dismiss them, but they can’t control when these images appear.

    8.Men enjoy romance, but doubt their skills to be romantic. True, many men appear to be unromantic clods, but it doesn’t mean that they want to be that way! Men want to be romantic, but they just doubt their ability to pull it off. They are plagued by internal hesitations, perceiving the risk of humiliation and failure as too high. Wives can do a great deal to increase their husbands’ confidence in their romantic skills through encouragement and redefining what romance looks like. For example, a wife may balk when her husband asks her to go along to the hardware store, but it’s likely that he’s asking because he sees it as a time they can get away as a couple and hang out together. What’s not romantic about that?

    9.Men care about their wife’s appearance. This isn’t saying that all men want their wives to look like the latest supermodel. What men really want is to know that their wives are making an effort to take care of themselves (and not letting themselves go) because it matters to them (the husbands!). Husbands appreciate the efforts their wives make to maintain their attractiveness.

    10.Men want their wives to know how much they love them. This was the number one response of men. Men aren’t confident in their ability to express this, but they love their wives dearly. Men want to show how much they love their wives and long for them to understand this fact.

    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  8. sister only allah can put desire in his heart for you if he wills. if allah wants your husband will love you more than he ever did. you can be the most ugliest creature, but if allah wills your husband will love you and desire you (no offence). it is in the hands of allah, as he is all-powerful and all-loving. whatever allah wills it happens. if you are really desperate, make dua. and believe. wake up at tahajjud time hour or two before fajr and make dua, as it is during this time allah descends to the lowest heaven and asks us to make dua so he can grant it.

    The Messenger (Peace and Blessing be upon him) said: "The Gates of Heaven are open at midnight, and a caller calls, 'Is there a supplicant that his supplication may be granted? Is there a petitioner that his petition maybe granted? Is there a distressed person so that his distress may be removed?'

    At that time, no Muslim makes a Dua but that it is answered, except for an adulteress who trades with her body, or a person who gathers his money unlawfully." [Sahih al-Jami' 2968]

    make dua as such that it can be granted in this dunya, as soon as possible. but never show impatience and believe in allah.

    • SubhanAllah. From every single comment, yours weights in gold. I have seen beautiful women with many problems in their marriage. I am a beautiful girl, i am not showing off but i have a beautiful face and my body is not perfect, but it is also nice. I have problems in my marriage. A couple women i know, may Allah forgive me, are ugly. SubhanAllah i know we must not speak like this but this woman is very unattractive. However, her husband loves her so much and desires her and does every single thing she wants forher. Every time i am shocked that is why when it comes down to it, your comment is truest of them all. Also, for all the comments about how we shoukd look amazing for our husbnds, we also see sexy men on tv and outside that we want our husbands to look like, but they dont. I love this quote: IF YOU DONT LOOK LIKE A CALVIN KLEIN MODEL! DONT EXPECT ME TO LOOK LIKE A VICTORIAS SECRET MODEL!!!!!

    • I also am not ugly. But I feel inadequate. I don't think men know how badly it affects a wife to be unwanted by her husband. Especially when they want another woman. Like a second wife. It hurts so bad. It is unbearable. I don't understand men at all.

  9. salamaliakum,

    i am also facing same problem.
    my husband do respects his parents well same to his level i expect him to respect me. but he insults me a lot in front of his family. As he is not showing any respect his brothers younger to him never show any obedience.
    this is really untolerable.

    Please help me i putting my efforts to develop respect for me in my family

  10. Assalam alaykum,

    May Allah help you and make things easier for you.
    I read all comments and I think that you can take from all some benefits.
    Marriage relation is really maintained by Allah and Dua'a but this doesn't mean that we don't need to make any efforts. here are some advises:
    1. make sure that your life is based on Taqwa and the highest manners. Taqwa in your relation with Allah and the highest manners in your relation with all creation.
    Read in Surrah Al-Baqara the verses about Divorce may Allah forbid us and you will understand that the Key is Taqwa and the best manners.
    2. Follow your natural instincts as a female who desires a male in Halal way. don't feel embarrassed or ashamed about it. so desire your husband and show it to him in many ways and also think about it from time to time even when he is not with you, this will impact his thinking.
    3. learn about men's psychology and Sara's reply is good apart from saying that : This is why making sex a priority in marriage is so incredibly important! because sexual life is a learning process during marriage life. discovering each other's needs and desires can be natural and discussed during marriage. and saying that you need to do it before marriage is telling lies because most people who do so they keep on changing partners all the time with so many risks of diseases and unwanted pregnancy and that's one of the reasons why it is Haram.
    4. choose time and make sure you show him submission in submission of Allah. because submission is a key in sexual life. this point needs to be understood because in our time we are more use to feminism and sexist who are trying to go against the human nature.

    May Allah make the best for you and all muslim Ummah

  11. asalamailaikum to all
    i hve been married from last six years and i have two kids. im not with my husband from 2 years.i am staying with my in-laws at my state and my hubby is in another state for the job.initially it going so good and smooth but now its becoming worst.we haven't talk to eachother from 2 months.neither he feels talking to me nor i .i get so irritated with the things he says to me on phone.i really get depressed with it even i used to take anti depression tablets.but from 2 months i feel so good and happy because iam not talking to him. my in-laws are happy with me and i even don't have any issue with them. i don't know what should i do now. should i call him and once again get into depressionor shoul i stay like this only.please suggest............

    • madi, please log in and write your question as a separate post, and give us more information about the situation - what are the problems between you and your husband, what does he say that bothers you, etc? And we will answer you in turn Insha'Allah.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  12. As-salaamu-alaikum.

    Umm Mariam,

    When I read your post, it brought back what I had experienced in my marriage. My husband slowly started losing interest in me. My husband used to be very sweet, thoughtful, caring and considerate, but that slowly changed into lack of concern or caring. I had found out, after 7 years of marriage, that my husband was addicted to pornography. I do not know whether he had been unfaithful to me or not, but he had been communicating with other women, for many years in our marriage. He had shown lack of intimacy, lack of responsibilities, as well as financially, and lack of emotion and had become cold and inconsiderate towards me. The ironic thing is, his lack of concern for me was replaced with increased concern for everyone else, even people he barely knew. He seemed to spend alot of time thinking and concerning himself for others well-being rather than placing our marriage as priority.

    I just wanted to make you aware of the possibility that this may be the case in your marriage, as I had never considered my husband to be unfaithful or interested in other women as I had always trusted him. But, you have to look at the facts and it seems likely that your husband has interests elsewhere. You need to find out why your husband is lacking interest in you, and NO! It is not your fault. I know, having done everything possible being the best wife one can be, going over an above what most wives do, and still that was not appreciated. So, don't ever blame yourself for others shortfalls and lack of character. It is not your fault. You just need to find out, sooner rather than later, rather than wasting so many years of your life being unhappy when you could be happy with someone else.

    Dont listen to those who say you need to make yourself more attractive to your husband, because even that did not change my husband's behaviour. Like I mentioned before, it is not you, but him, who has a problem. Dont ever sell yourself short.

    Just keep making dua and ask Allah for guidance. Allah Ta'ala will guide and protect you. Insha'allah Allah make it easy for you. I will remember you in my duas.

    Salaams

  13. As salam wa alaikum

  14. Asak,,,main bahut pareshan hun ,,mere husband Aaj kl mujhse door for rehte hain,,,physical. Relations. Bhi nahi bnate,,,is wajah se main .hr waqt. Depressed or anger mein rehti hun,,,,choti .si baat .pe gussa. Or fight. Krti hun unse,,,,samajh nahi aata kya karun ,,,,Sbse Der .tk. baaten. Krte hain ,,mazak krte hain. .pr mujhse. Nahin,,,kai. Baar hmara is baat .pe fight ho chuka hai,,,doosron. .ki tareef. Bhi. Karengen,,,Meri woh bhi nahi ,,,,.hr waqt. Phone. Mein busy,,doston. Mein busy,,,,raat mein 10 baje se 1 30 pm .tk Ghar .pe nahi rehte ,, agar unki off hai ,,.bs Kaam hai ,,aata hunkahengen or Chale jaane hain,,,i have 2 kids,,,,big girl,,n to3 months. Old boy,,,,,,5 yrs over 4 my mrg ,,,,, i m so fed up nw,,i think he do.nt. luv me anymore,,Pehle fight k baat sorry. Kehte Manate. The .pr Ab kuch nahi ,,main kuch karun unhe koi effect nahi,,,,

    • mati, I have no idea what you are saying. If you have a question of your own, please log in and write it as a separate post. In English, please.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  15. Sister, being a man i can tell you that stress is a major libido-killer
    So please try and get to know his stress. Its very likely he has something bothering him in a major way.

    Hope that helps

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