Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How to convince my husband to take me back?

crying muslim woman %photoAssalamu alaikum,

I need help from all my sisters and brothers.

I got married 3 yrs back. After marriage we did have lot of problems.  Due to some confusion, I was asked to leave the house and for some business reason and there was a huge problem between my parents and my husband.

My parents insulted, harrassed and even threatened my husband which I was unaware of. My husband got angry thinking I'm aware of all these and not supporting him.  Even though I told him come and take me from my parents' house he didn't because he wanted me to speak against my parents and then walk out but I didn't have the courage.

In all this confusion I was made to sign the talaaq papers first and I thought it was just a petition and not final talaaq papers.  Seeing my signature on it he too signed the papers. But in between all these we used meet and staying together in different city where we were working.

After we signed all the papers we realised it was a final call, and we had still stayed together and had physical relationship also.  I kept telling him to do something and I was in misunderstanding that he will do something but he was very adamant that I should rectify but I was unaware as he never told me this condition.

That's when I had gone to Dubai for 3 months out of pressure from my parents. We used to still talk and think and plan of how to get back to each other.  Due to some fight we had over the phone we stopped talking for some time.  That's when his parents forced him to marry and he got married again to another woman.

I came to know this only after a month when I came down from Dubai to India. I was totally shattered and thats when I came to know our talaaq was also invalid as per Shari'ah.  I did all the possible research and even got the letter as proof with reference to Quraan which says our talaaq is invalid.

Now that his second marriage is known by family public and everyone, but me being still his first wife it was not announced by him that our talaaq is invalid and that I'm still his wife.  But he wants to take me back and does not have the courage to tell people that he wants to take me back because he's worried of questions from family and people.

How do I make him understand and convince him to announce that we are still husband and wife and keep me with him?

I can't take this life in this way anymore.  I need him in my life. Please help.


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2 Responses »

  1. Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

    Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

    It sounds as though this sad situation came about due to a terrible lack of communication. You didn't know all that was going on, he thought you were siding with your parents against him, and a stupid argument became a tangled situation which will be difficult to undo. You are in a bad place right now, as your husband hastily married again and did not show the maturity necessary in a man who is supposed to be a leader in his household.

    It sounds as though you would all benefit from getting together for a sit-down meeting to discuss all the issues. I think you should bring an outside person, such as a trusted mature man or Imaam from your community, to help you understand your issues and keep everyone from getting emotional. Only by getting together and talking can you all understand how this situation came about, and how to resolve it.

    Now, I will tell you, you will have to look at your husband. How did he act in all this? It sounds as though he has a tough time making good decisions. If he is hasty and immature, are you sure you WANT to be married to him? Is the burden of this whole situation on his shoulders, or did you also participate by not reading documents clearly, letting your parents divide you and him, and by simply choosing to not understand what was going on? If you wish to save your marriage, you will have to be a lot more involved and a lot smarter.

    You cannot continue on in this situation, obviously. Your husband has two wives, and if he does not wish to give you a valid divorce, he must maintain you and his other wife financially. Separate houses, equal accommodation, dividing his time. It is a big duty for him. He needs a Sheikh to advise him of his duty so he can decide if he wishes to keep both or you, or divorce one of you. Do not accept to be kept as a "secret" wife, as if you are some shameful interloper. It is not the fault of the other wife, either, so do not hold it against her. You cannot force him to divorce her, as this would be unjust, so you have to see if you can live i such a situation.

    The ONLY solution to this situation is to give up all the crazy cultural and family misunderstandings and refer everything back to the Qur'an and Sunnah. This means that you both let go of any regrettable things you said to each other, that you remember that you should love one another for the sake of Allah, and that there is no shame in admitting you made a mistake and that you wish to heal the break between you and go forward. Get a trusted person to help you, and get together and talk this out to get rid of all misunderstandings. Then, the ball is in your husband's hand. He must make the decision to keep you or not. If he is unable to keep you in an honorable, honest, open fashion, then you must ask him for divorce so you can get on with your life. It may be that Allah will bring you someone better than he is. Only Allah knows. But you have to make the effort to communicate and figure this out. Tell the truth, rely on Allah, and whatever happens will be according to Allah's Qadr. May Allah help you to have the courage to be the mature one in this and do what needs to be done. And Allah knows best.

    Fi Aman Allah,

    Sister Noorah,
    Editor, Islamicanswers.com

  2. Hi,
    Assalamu alaikum,

    Really i feel sympthoy on you, i will pray to god..............

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