Islamic marriage advice and family advice

how to deal with a cheating husband

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Cheating Husband

Assalam alaykum brothers and sisters,

I've been married for 3 years and have two kids (2 years & 6 months).

On the first week of our marriage, I found out my husband was chatting with a number of girls on his mobile.

We worked that problem out. But he stares at other women when he's with me. Last year when I was pregnant with our second he had gone on a business trip, and when he came back I got ahold of his phone and from the google search history there were things like "tantric massage and sex" (in the area he was). He admitted to all this but says he did not have sex, but I've no reason to believe him.

I'm in dilemma. I would so much want to divorce him, but the thought of my kids growing up with a single parent shatters me. Please share your thoughts and wisdom.

shukran

-shosho


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61 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    If you are convinced that your husband is being unfaithful and no longer trust him, divorce is an option. It's sometimes better that children grow up with one healthy parent, than two parents who are unable to provide a healthy home environment because of sin and mistrust.

    I suggest you make salatul istikhara to seek additional guidance from Allah before making a concrete decision. If you still feel like the relationship won't work, separate yourself from him first and take some time to evaluate whether the relationship can be salvaged, or if there is any way he can rebuild your lost trust. If some time goes by after that and nothing has significantly changed, move forward in whatever direction you feel is best for you and your children.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Sister
    Please don't even think of divorce, allah time to time tests us all. Now is not time for a quick exit but to work on that love that his seeking. Yes after children's we let ourselfs go and we don't give ourselfs or our husbands any attention, make yourself beauty of his eyes. Pray ya wadudu 1000 on food and feed it to him.
    Also please do dua for me. As I am separated from husband and children's . Please do dua we reunite

    • "Please don't even think of divorce" !!!Why not?Divorce IS allowed in islam!!!why should she stay with a cheating husband and support him to continue this major sin???If the sharia law existed here he wouldnt even be alive by now, so staying wouldnt even be an option!!And why do you accuse the sister that she lets herself go???and even if she did ,to me it sounds you making it sound its her fault her husband cheated???Even if she did let herself go doesnt mean he is free to cheat!!!!she is in no way responsible for his sins!!!He made this choice and he will be hold for it on the day of judgment!Allah doesnt punish anyone for somebodys else sin!! I do not think she should even stay there for another second with a cheater. I mean why would one want to be with a cheater?What will the kids learn from him when they see his behavior??

    • Your advice is based on an assumption, which if true, stil does not justify the actions.

      Yes, no one should jump to divorce.

      Her husband has the option to marry another wife if he wanted - but a man who stares at women constantly has to first work on himself--because is another wife really going to solve this problem? Even if his wife was drop-dead gorgeous, if he is checking out women, he will not be able to control his desires.

      To the OP, please get checked for sexually transmitted diseases and ask your husband to do that as well. Please go for counselling if your husband agrees because whether he had sex with another woman or not, obviously there are desires that your husband is finding extremely challenging. If possible, talk with a local Muslim counselor. I agree with sister Amy's advice that children brought up with two parents isn't the best if both of you are constantly fighting.

      May Allah ease your difficulties. Ameen.

    • Imaan,
      Your response really annoyed me, frankly. Why are you saying "WE let ourselves go, WE don't give husbands attention" - you can't speak on anyone's behalf. You have no idea what other women are like with their husbands, in their marriages - I can tell you that a lot of married women don't do any of the things you mention. It sounds to me like that out of your own personal desire to reunite with your husband, which hasn't happened yet, you talk to other women like they're making the same mistakes you think you have made to loose your husband. And they don't. When men mess up, it's not women's fault. Stop making it out to be. Stop making women scapegoats for men's wrongdoings!

      Please don't tell women that they should not ever think of divorce. Lots of situations definitely do call for divorce - it's wrong of you to tell your sisters that they should endure injustice, bad treatment, adultery, abuse and violence from their husbands just for the sake of remaining married - because you want to remain married with your husband. There's more to life than marriage and being married!

  3. Assalaamualaikam

    If you believe your husband has been unfaithful, divorce is an option - as has already been said, sometimes one parent can be more stable and nurturing.

    Don't rush into making a decision, though. It might help to go to relationship counselling with your husband, and there are plenty of counselling services that are either organised by Muslims or can arrange for a Muslim counsellor. Maybe also try to talk with your husband about what has caused him to behave in this way - is he feeling insecure, rebelling against having to "grow up" and have responsibilities, depressed...? If there is a reason that can be addressed, this does not excuse his behaviour but may mean further such acts can be prevented.

    Pray Istikhara and trust in Allah. May He guide you and your family to what is best for you.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  4. Sister, I'm going throw the samething thing I trusted my husband more then anything in the world, he pray fast I never thought he would do that because he fear Allah always, ontill I found out he went to a Hotle I'm pretty sure he took someone there and he lie to me about it he never till the truth we always fighting and I will never trust him again!!! I have a 2 year old son I don't want to lose my baby he said he will take him away from me and he told me I better not till any of my family members because he never cheated I gave him a chance cuz of my baby. I just don't get the people that pray/ fast would go cheat when they have a nice wife family at home that dose everything for them. I know what u are going threw insallah everything work out for you.

  5. Tantric massage is a spiritual erotic massage done with breathing control and meditation. Looks like ur husband is into it and he is seeking this pleasure desparately, thats why he did n't mind paying for it. If u wish to solve this issue smartly, ask him that if he really wants these sort of thing- both of u go pay and learn this spiritual meditation and practice on each other. This way it will remain between husband and wife rather than visiting strangers with committing sins. May Allah make ur life easier.

    • Why do you need to take classes for that? Isn't it reeeally inappropriate to try on tantric, erotic massage techniques in the presence of other people?

      Besides, a cheating husband doesn't deserve massages - he deserves to find his clothes scattered on the street, with the locks changed to the house and a note on his trash that says, "bye, enjoy your prostitutes on Facebook. Perhaps they will want to shelter you now that you are homeless" :D.

  6. Now that was a good answer!!!! I wish I could do that to my husband right now but I can't because I love him so much too!!! But love isn't enough sometimes!!!

    • Well, I love fried chicken, pizza and cakes - it doesn't mean I HAVE to have it 3 times a day, every day. Because it's really, really bad for me. I just use my will-power, which I as a humanbeing possess, like any other humanbeing, to stay away from it all (or at least only have those things on occassions). There's no reason why a woman should not be able to distance herself from people who are bad for her. I don't believe that women "can't" leave bad husbands, I believe they just don't want to leave them. That's fine, but then I feel like it's annoying that women complain about their situation. They inevitably choose to remain in it, so that must mean they can tolerate adultery, abuse and whatnot.

      So yeah, my morale is: if you don't want to take drastic meassures to change your situation, don't complain about being under bad circumstances.

      • Aslaam

        I don't care if this gets deleted by the editors of this website, I'm still saying it. Adina, I usually agree with your comments but even I have to admit, you do say some pretty ridiculous things.

        " I don't believe that women "can't" leave bad husbands, I believe they just don't want to leave them. That's fine, but then I feel like it's annoying that women complain about their situation. They inevitably choose to remain in it, so that must mean they can tolerate adultery, abuse and whatnot."

        What about the women that actually CAN'T leave their husbands because their families will threaten them, "oh if you leave him, you will bring shame on us and then we will kill you" or what if the husband somehow has an advantage over the woman and threatens to do something if they leave! And before you say, "get the police involved", the police are some of the most useless people ever and they rarely help make situations better.

        You need to think about some of the things that you want to say or type, I even read a comment from one of the editors on this website that said that you have a "superior, sarcastic and harsh tone in your comments" - I agree with that and you need to think about what you say sometimes.

        • First: my tone. I have tried to not be as sarcastic and blunt, when I write on here, as I am in real life. I thought I was doing quite well, actually. I know that I now and again slip in to my sarcastic ways. Although my words may come out harsh sometimes, my intentions aren't to hurt people - I'm actually the type of person who really cares about people, so for that reason it really bothers me to hear about women who tolerate things they should not (cheating husbands, controling mother-in-laws, drunken husbands, etc.). In my mind, I'm thinking, "oh my God, woman, what are you DOING to yourself and your children?!". In my mind, I believe that being sarcastic with people might help them realize, clearly, how they're not supposed to tolerate disrespect and maltreatment form anyone - not husbands, not mother-in-laws, not anyone. My intentions behind my comments are merely to point things out to people in a way so that they can see how straightforward - and a lot of times, ridiculous (sorry, English isn't my 1st, or even 2nd or 3rd language, so I don't know a better word to use) - their "dilemmas" in fact are. If people just took a more logical approach to things, the answers are usually very clear. I mean, it's not exactly rocket science to work out what you need to do with a boyfriend you're having sex with, or a husband who can't keep it in his pants. Neither should it come as a surprise to anyone, that when you do things behind peoples' backs, the reactions to your secretive actions are never going to be positive when they finally emerge to the surface: how can anyone get married in secret, and expect a good outcome? Can people really be THAT...aaargh!!!

          To me, it's irrelevant when women talk about how their love makes them unable to do things - I'm not myself the type of woman who gets so wrapped up in my lovey-dovey emotions to an extend where I'm inhibited from making rational decisions - so I suppose it's hard for me to relate to and understand women who are very emotional and base their actions and decisions on emotions rather than reason. I suppose my bad view of women like this are reflected in the way I write my comments to them.

          I don't personally see anything too wrong with the way I express myself - but for the sake of this website, I will try better at watching my "tongue" more - perhaps re-read my posts before I post them. I just think it's important to understand that we all take different approaches to giving out advice, and doing in in the ultra-sugar-sweet-coating-of-things way...I'll just leave that to other girls to do, I can't do it.

          Last: I understand that some people live under circumstances where they're being threatened on their life. Just because my advice to these people are different from your's, doesn't mean that either of us are giving the better advice. You would perhaps see such a person as someone who's in a doomed situation, but I just don't. It's HORRIBLE that anyone has to do something out of fear for being killed! So naturally, I'm going to say things that could perhaps give the respective person an idea of who/what could help them to flee from such horrid circumstances. I don't think I have ever told a woman on here, who's feared for herself, that she should go to the police. Yeah, I've told her to try to get some help to flee, but I don't think I have ever said that this help should come from the police.

          • Aslaam

            I'm not telling you to say things in a "ultra-sugar-sweet" way as sometimes even I say things in a blunt form but unlike YOU, I tend to look at the situation then decide to myself "if this was me, how would I want someone to give me advice" then I either say it bluntly or in a nice way. Even the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) who never lied, made sure when he spoke the truth he would first compliment the person and THEN give them the truth in a kind manner but you, as you just said you are sarcastic and blunt in real life, speak in this tone even if the situation requires kind words. I don't want to upset you but if you are a blunt and sarcastic person in real life even more than what you display here then if I was you - I'd SERIOUSLY consider changing myself becausewen are in a troubling situation, they want advice in a kind manner and NOT spoken to in a sarcastic and harsh manner because at the end of the day, it makes you look like a rude, bitter and miserable person.

            May Allah help you in life inshallah.

          • You don't upset me at all, first of all. Second of all: thanks for the advice, but I'm not going to consider changing the way I speak to people. This is the way I express myself, if I change my tone too drastically, I just wouldn't be able to get my points across.

  7. Sister even I am also a victim of cheating husband...but my husband never admits...instead shouts at me...
    Sister we females are the worst sufferers in this world as right after parents we full bestow our faith on our husbands & our husbands takes this advantage of our weakness..

    See if u r fully independent & hav got family support its better to part from this cheater...& teach him a lesson or if ur husband does not change himself then u & ur kids will have to suffer some day or the other..

    ITS VERY DIFFICULT TO TRUST SOMEONE WHEN THAT CONCERNED PERSONS BREAKS THE TRUST...

    But if u know ur husband well enough , if u think u can change him the u must try...before break up..

    Consult with ur parents & most importantly with ur in-laws...let them also know about their son's rotten character...
    I hate cheaters , liars....

  8. First of all don't doubt if you dont have solid evidence. If you suspect and not 100% sure if he is cheating or not - then find the truth. Don't make assumption and believe on your assumption. Once you are sure that he is cheating - then Technically in Islam for man adultery is a capital sin that is punished by death.

    If your husband does not fulfill his duties towards you, you have the right to ask for divorce. I would tell you do not have to endure the abject way he treats you.
    You have to think about yourself and your children first as a mother it is your duty to make sure they do not live in an unhappy family,

    • Well, she did write that she found messages to girls from her husband's phone. So she isn't making assumptions, she is 100% sure that he is unfaithful.

  9. Assalamo alaikum, dear sister!
    I have no idea what you are going through and what you are feeling...but please, don't divorce your husband as it is the most disliked deed, though halal, by Allah. You still have many other options left.
    First, think of the purpose of our existence-it is to worship Allah.
    Next, think of our final destination-it is jannah, where we shall live for eternity. We worship Allah so that we can be among those who are loved by Him and enter paradise. Now, entering paradise is no easy thing, as Allah says:
    Or think you that you will enter paradise without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? They were afflicted with severe poverty and ailments and were so shaken that even the Messenger and those who believed along with him said, "When (will come) the Help of Allah?" Yes! Certainly, the Help of Allah is near!
    ( سورة البقرة , Al-Baqara, Chapter #2, Verse #214)
    Do you think that you will enter paradise before Allah tests those of you who fought (in His Cause) and (also) tests those who are As-Sabirun (the patient)?
    ( سورة آل عمران , Aal-e-Imran, Chapter #3, Verse #142)
    Everyone shall taste death. And only on the Day of Resurrection shall you be paid your wages in full. And whoever is removed away from the Fire and admitted to paradise, he indeed is successful. The life of this world is only the enjoyment of deception (a deceiving thing).
    ( سورة آل عمران , Aal-e-Imran, Chapter #3, Verse #185)

    When Allah (swt) created Paradise and Hell-fire, He sent Gabriel to Paradise, saying: Look at it and at what I have prepared therein for its inhabitants. The Prophet said: So he came to it and looked at it and at what Allah had prepared therein for its inhabitants. The Prophet said: So he returned to Him and said: By your glory, no one hears of it without entering it. So He ordered that it be encompassed by forms of hardship, and He said: Return to it and look at what I have prepared therein for its inhabitants. The Prophet said: So he returned to it and found that it was encompassed by forms of hardship. Then he returned to Him and said: By Your glory, I fear that no one will enter it. He said: Go to Hell-fire and look at it and what I have prepared therein for its inhabitants, and he fount that it was in layers, one above the other. Then he returned to Him and said: By Your glory, no one who hears of it will enter it. So He ordered that it be encompassed by lusts. Then He said: Return to it. And he returned to it and said: By Your glory, I am frightened that no one will escape from entering it.
    And you should also remember that:
    لَا يُكَلِّفُ اللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا

    “Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear…” (Qur’an, 2:286).
    So please hang in there. Be patient and PUT YOUR TRUST IN ALLAH AND HAVE GOOD EXPECTATIONS FROM HIM. Never be hopeless, for hopelessness is kufr.
    Confront your husband, remind him of the lusts surrounding hell and take him back to his deen. Ask Allah for help and surely you will succeed. Remember, struggle to avoid Allah's displeasure, so don't divorce. Do your best to keep your marriage successful. Keep making dua as they hold the power to change your fate.
    I strongly disagree with Adina, as she said, "There's more to life than marriage and being married!"
    >>"The Women of Hell Fire"<<

    Prophet Muhammad
    صلى الله عليه واله وسلم
    said: "O ALi, on the night of
    my ascension (Miraj) I saw
    women of my ummah who were being severily punished that I became concerned for them and started cyring.
    I saw a woman who had been hung by her breast.
    Then I saw a second woman who was eating her own flesh and fire raged below her. A third woman was hanging by her tongue and boiling water was being poured down her throat.
    A fourth was bent over,her hands and feet were tied together,and snakes and scorpions were crawling all over her.
    A fifth was deaf, dumb,and blind, enclosed in a cage of fire, her brain oozing out of the holes in her skull. Her body fell appart due
    to leprosy.
    Another was hung by her feet, inside and over.
    Yet another woman's body was being shredded to pieces by scissors made of fire.
    One woman had a head of a pig and a body of a donkey and was given several punishments.
    Another had the face of a dog, fire was entering her body from her posterior and come out of her mouth and the angels were beating her with iron rods."
    Fatimah then inquired her father, 'Please, tell me, what did these women do(to deserve such punishment)?'
    Then the Prophet Muhammad
    صلى الله عليه واله وسلم
    said :
    'Listen my dear; The one who was hanging by her breast used to deny her husband, his righful pleasure; The one hanging by her feet used to go out of her house without her husband's permission; The one eating her own flesh used to beautify herself and show her body to men other than her husband .The one who's hands and feet were tied together and covered with snakes and scorpions never cared impurity and wasn't careful about ghusl, thus taking her prayer lightly; The deaf, blind, and dumb, used to bear children through adultery but claim the children belonged to her husband;The one whose body was being cut by scissors made of fire never observed hijab in front of non mahrem men. The one with the face of a pig and a body of a donkey was a back biter and a liar. And those with the face of a dog and who had fire entering her behind and coming out of her face was a jealous woman.
    If a husband cheats but repents sincerely, then he doesn't deserve a misfortunate destiny. Humans will keep making mistakes but to correct them, there is tawbah.

    • Why are you posting hadiths about the punishment of "bad wives", when in this case, it's the husband who 's bad, because he is the one who commits adultery? Where's your hadith for men who commit adultery?

      Do you really think the focus in this matter is the actual divorce, more than the fact that this woman's husband is committing adultery towards his wife?

      Do you really think a woman is a bad wife for letting go of a man who brings haram in to their life go?

      Do you really think a woman will be granted Jannah for tolerating her husband's haramdoings? How can you seriously think that a woman will be granted hasanat for not actively doing something to stop her husband from doing what's haram? You're not a good wife just because you stay with your husband no matter what he does. Sometimes, the most horrible wives are the ones who just sit there and take whatever junk their husbands throw at them. Wives who don't say a word and are intimidated by their husbands' "anger".

      Please don't fill sisters up with false hopes of gaining hasanat. You don't get rewarded for just sitting back and watch your husband fornicate. Dream on, sister.

      • Also, a woman can not force her husband to do tawbah, or do tawbah for him. If the man isn't repenting his forrnication, he just isn't. This woman clearly states that her husband not only doesn't repent his sins, he doesn't even admit to them even though she has actual proof. Please don't twist peoples' problems in to something they're not. Go by what people themselves say. The guy isn't repenting, so it's irrelevant of you to talk about repenting husbands, as they don't apply to this sister's situation.

    • Sister Maryam, Read before you reply. did you read what she asked for? She didn't say she was not listening to her husband but her husband was cheating. Why would she be punished? People Come here to seek for help. please take this more seriously before you reply. A bad Advice can be big sin. if you don't have the answer - please don't force yourself to answer it. your examples are good if she said she was at fault and she also wants to divorce.

      problem here was her husband was cheating although he had wife who was raising his kids.

    • Assalam alaikum,

      Sister Maryam,

      You said:

      If a husband cheats but repents sincerely, then he doesn't deserve a misfortunate destiny. Humans will keep making mistakes but to correct them, there is tawbah.

      So if humans make mistakes, there is tawbah - there is tawbah for EVERYONE, not just cheating husbands.

      Below you posted a site: .islamqa.com/en/ref/172983 which discusses what a woman could do if her husband cheats and does say that divorce is an option if the husband doesn't correct his ways - and there was no mention that if the wife chooses this route, that Allah's displeasure would result.

      After reading all the comments on here, including yours, I know you think you words have been taken out of context, but if they have, maybe there is a reason. It just seems that you are strongly suggesting that the sister (or any sister) stay with a cheating husband as that is better over divorce because even if divorce is halal, that Allah will be angered by that choice - this ideology seems to have infuriated a few people.

      I really think that no one here wants this woman to live a horrible life as a single mother raising children on her own. Even sister Adina, who a few have called harsh, I truly believe, wants the best for this sister as do you, as do we all. No matter where we stand on this topic - no one wants a wretched life for this sister or anyone who is living with a cheating spouse. We all do have to realize though, that divorce is a halal option in that case - but along with that we would want to advise the OP to try counselling, Isthikhara, all possible routes to keep her marriage together. We don't have the right to say Allah would be displeased with her if her reasons are valid for divorce - and we also have to realize that not all marriages are healthy for children - sometimes a single parent can do a better job - but we can't decide these things - we can only suggest them and hope that the OP make the best choice for herself and her children, inshaa Allah.

      When you say:

      I have no idea what you are going through and what you are feeling...but please, don't divorce your husband as it is the most disliked deed, though halal, by Allah. You still have many other options left.

      I think you speak for many of us, who really have no idea what this is like for this sister. So, we should be careful to say divorce or NOT divorce because the circumstances surrounding this sister's reality and her children are being affected - which is something we don't have to live with on a daily basis, but she does. We can just say what the options are.

      To the OP,
      I pray that Allah guide you to the best decision. I hope that you seek counselling, get medical attention, and do not ignore this problem and inshaa Allah, I hope that you and your children are showered with Allah's blessings. Ameen.

  10. "I strongly disagree with Adina, as she said, "There's more to life than marriage and being married!"
    >>"The Women of Hell Fire"<<"

    So you think that life is about getting married? What about women who CAN'T get married? They have no life? And why are you quoting Hell again? Do you think women who don't/can't get married go to Hell? It must be very sad to have that belief, sister. It kind of makes me depressed to hear, because...I think someone like me will never get married. Not because I don't want to, but because I can't find someone. So...I go to Hell, or what?

    I'm very saddened by women like you, who are misogynist and blame women for all of men's wrongdoings. Women who tell their sisters and daughters that they should disrespect themselves for the sake of being a man's wife - because that's all there is to a woman's life. Being a wife is not everything. It means nothing if being a wife makes you not respect yourself anymore, makes you tolerate disrespectfulness, makes you depressed, a subject to maltreatment, abuse and adultery...if it means you'll loose your integrity, morals, values and self-esteem. If that's the kind of marriage you get, why is marriage so important that it's considered everything?

    • Don't be so irrational. I have quoted a hadith, in which theirarewarnings to married women. Don't pick out points which are not concerned over here

      • Honey, I'm clearly not the one who's being irrational. I like how you totally ignore my questions to you and to the hadiths you have posted. Again I ask you: why have posted hadiths about women going to hell in relation to a story where it's clearly the man who has sinned, and not the woman? Why haven't you posted any hadiths that evolves around adultery and men who are bad, cheating husbands? Why? Why, why, why?

        Also, it's clearly not me who's picking and choosing my hadiths and applying them in whatever way supports my own illogical, injust, unreasonable, unfair, misogynist beliefs. That's what YOU are doing, Darling.

  11. I'm sorry but I agree with every single thing Adina has said. Thing is when an individual does not sugar coat things then people automatically think that person is harsh or too critical. In reality, what Adina is saying is absolutely right. Nonetheless, when children are concerned its just not that simple.

    My husband is cheating too and I am struggling with the decision whether to leave or not. I have two little girls and it pains me to think that I would be bringing them up alone. However at the moment I'm weighing up the pros and cons. I am looking at what 'good' he is actually doing. Does he provide for the children? Yes. Does he provide for me? Yes. What else though? Does he pray? No. But he talks about how everything he is doing is according to shariah law. It's a total hypocritical way in which he lives.

    Despite all this I still think why should I break up a family because of Afew stolen moments by two twisted selfish disgusting people. He is extremely loving to the girls, they go to the best school, have a very good life. Before anyone says so its only the security I'm staying for, the answer is yes. We did seperate and we were all miserable. Miserable enough for him to stop, no. But when we came back, that 'intoxication' of the first few months of his affair were over-in the early days I could not even recognize him. However now he is loving and attentive.

    I don't have full proof that he is still cheating, before the woman kept leaving marks on him which is why I knew. I do feel his behavior is still somewhat off sometimes but I cannot divorce him until I have full proof. Truth is the trust is gone, I can't look at him with love anymore, infact I feel alot of resentment and disgust when i look at him.

    U may think how am I helping when I'm so confused myself. My point of my post is that I'm still in the process of deciding what to do. It's not easy. So I would never jump in and say divorce. Weigh everything up. Look at the good things he is doing, if any. This may help with stalling things...sometimes Allah swt does things to help you decide-for that you need time.

    Sister Maryam's post was seriously insulting for completely innocent women who could have done everything in the world but their husbands still cheated. My husband claims to "love me to death"-a term that is so wrong in itself because we should love each other for the sake of Allah swt. Point is. He claims I'm amazing, the best person on earth, he panics when I leave the house because he thinks I'm going to leave him-yet despite all this he still cheated and it looks like he possibly still is. Sister Maryam should also realize men or women do not have affairs just because the wife was refusing. Sometimes it's just the thrill. A boost of ego. The want for excitement. Not necessarily fulfilling sexual desires. Sometimes it's middle age crisis. Sometimes it's just a case of oppurtunity. Whatever it is, once an individual crosses that boundary then they have broken all the rules in terms of Islam, basic morals, humility etc. it's the injured party that suffers the most and according to sister Maryam the suffering continues in the hereafter too. Charming!

    A woman has a right to divorce in this case but as someone who is still going through this incredibly painful time I would wait. I would make it very clear that if he cheats again and proof is present then divorce will be the outcome. If it wasn't for my children, just like you, I would have left ages ago. But my kids make me see things totally differently. It's unfair that we have to sacrifice so much, so very unfair. But I would weigh out the good and the bad, pray, speak to close ones, talk to women going through or who have gone through this and pray more. In the mean while I would also look at my own financial arrangements, living arrangements, speak to lawyers to see what help you could get if you were to leave. Never leave angry, always be calm. May Allah swt guide you and do what's best for you and your children inshallah.

  12. You all have misunderstood my post. Allah tests His pious slaves; He doesn't 'put' them in troubles but tests them to see whether they show patience or they complain to Allah and show hopelessness.

    I am not saying women dont have the right to divorce. They have; they certainly do. But is it necessary to upset Allah, our Lord? for Whom we have been created?
    Shouldn't we prepare ourselves for the Day of Judgement? our final destination is either jannah or hell. Allah will give us the true answer of our deeds on the Day of Judgement. That is why I advised the sister in trouble to not to divorce but be patient.
    I quoted the hadith of the women of hell-fire to show sis Adina that disobedience to husbands can lead to hell.
    @sis Anon: you are displaying your weakness of faith when you say sacrificing much is unfair. Allah is just. And he rewards His slaves for their good deeds either in this world or in the Hereafter. Have you forgotten the things our dearest Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) faced? you call my post insulting, yet I supported my thoughts by hadith and ayaat.
    @bro Alif: yes, I posted what I thought I must. I haven't posted what the sis is looking for; I posted what she should do.
    @sis Adina: you talk about preservation of women's self-esteem by asking for divorce, so are you trying to say that being calm in times of troubles and hardships is disrespectful? Rather, it is rewarding! What will she get by divorcing her husband? she would be free from her husband. there are no more pros but more cons.
    1. Allah will be upset
    2. children will eventually feel the empty place of their dad/mum (whoever they stay with after divorce)
    3. Single parenting plus being the only earning member would be difficult and you would be busy to spend quality time with your children.
    What have I talked about that show that I am disrespecting women? I have ahadith to back up my opinion. Your opinions might be logical in your point of view but why don't you think in terms of the true spirit of islam? Islam has given both sexes equal importance. If you fail to understand this, then you are very pitiful.
    The sister in trouble should try to show her husband the right path. Dont jump to the last resort, divorce.
    And, sis Adina, learn to be respectful to others. You can also point out others mistakes in a decent way. Remember, your speech depicts your personality.

    Anyways, all I am trying to say is to just be patient, make dua continuously and struggle to take your husband to the right path.

    • Asalamu alikum

      Sister Maryam I agree with you 100%.This poor sister is here for some help and wise advises and which will of-course please Allah.And to see which is the best option to be taken in what she is going through.Some are asking her to divorce and some ask her not to what do you think this poor woman could do?.We are just making her lost and and confuse.So many disagreement and argument is here what do u think is the right option for this sister?.

      Rather then we try to help this sister but we are pointing who is right and who is wrong.We are all muslims and worship only one God we most stop being the enemies of each other.

      Most of you are asking this sister to divorce her husband but have u ever imagine what could this decision be for her will it be good for her and her two innocent kids, will she get married?.We must know the result of every decision we take in our lives it might be positive or negative.Right her husband has commit a very big mistake against her but this woman has kids will she be able to look after them alone?.If she was not having kids then divorce could have been easy for her.

      And another thing her husband had not only cheated on her but he had committed a grave sin which is upsetting Allah have anyone of you think about that?,everyone is asking her to divorce him ok if she done that so he will keep on doing his sins and leading his life to astray.I mean why can't we advice someone who is leading his life to darkness.Whenever a person makes a mistake everyone will DUMPED HIM! what do you think this man could do?,and what if he did the same with many other innocent women.

      No one in this world is perfect everyone can make a mistake and do u want people to dumped u just for your mistake and not to help u to change yourself.How many times husbands are cheating on their wives and how many times wives r cheating on their husbands why do you think all this happens?,no one is encouraging them to stop.Some have said we can forced someone to repent and understand his mistake of course we can do that by the help of Allah and if we have hope and patience.Leaving them in their sins like that will grew the problem even more and many wives are been cheated by their husbands and many families are been destroyed.

      And the sister who said ''sacrificing much is unfair'',let me ask u with all my respect to u,Do you want Allah to give you whatever you want in this world and the hereafter and forgives your sins and save you from the hell fire and bless you with his wonderful heavens where you will be happy forever inshallah u and your kids along with you?,then why not sacrifice some thing even small for the sake of Allah do want Allah to do all this for you while you cant do a single thing for Him?.Memorized the blessings of Allah on you.

      Allah is so merciful to us he never put us in a hardship unless to see how much faithful we r to Him and how much we love Him and then he will bless us and reward us when we have patience.Allah test us we muslims because he loves us and wants the best for us.

      Women have the right to divorce but the divorce is the most unwanted deed in Islam and the most liked deed for Iblis(shaytan) and he is gets very happy when he sees a husband and a wife are divorced while Allah gets upset with that.You just imagine if you are the cause of separating a husband and a wife, destroying a family and upsetting Allah?.Do that make you feel good?.While it might be some ways to solve the problem.Many women have taking advises to divorce their husbands on such issues and in future they regret their decisions.

      So, dear sister Shosho I am not saying you cant divorce but you have to be careful in each step you take in your life and know the result of it and if that step will be good for you and your beautiful kids.The decision is up to you,BUT! you have to know the result.If you feel that you still love your husband then you might pray for him and keep on advising him and involve his parents and family to make him understand his mistakes or if you feel he is not anymore caring for u and your life would be better without him then you may divorce him.But you have to sit down and ask yourself remember u have kids and I know they love their father and want you both to be by their side so, think before taking any step.

      And may Allah make it easy on you and guide your husband I will inshallah go for Umrah and pray for you.

      Your sister Saja.

      • Sister Maryam and Sister Saja, when a woman stays in a marriage where her husband is committing adultery it is actually unfair and unfortunate on the woman that for the sake of the children and many other things she is risking her health, mentally and physically. No one is saying that Allah swt is not just and that does not mean ones faith is weak. Truth is if the husband brings home a disease, his behavior is completely unfair, selfish and devastating. It doesn't mean that I don't believe in Allah. Whether the abuser gets his punishment in this life or the hereafter-the victim still has to go through this excruciating pain. We are mere weak humans, if we were as strong as you suggesting we should be, then no one would be on this website. It would be better to advise someone and say "be strong sister or brother, this is the time to increase your faith etc " instead of pointing fingers and suggesting someone's faith is weak.

        It is true Allah dislikes divorce. It is also true that adultery is a major sin. If a woman was going to divorce over matters to do with minor disagreements, inlaws, her own ego, financial matters then you could say that to divorce it would be wrong. But adultery is abuse. It is abusing your marriage, abusing your morals and above all abusing your religion. The punishment for adultery in this life and the hereafter just proves how badly this deed is disliked by Allah.

        Sister Saja, i think a majority of women try to tell their husbands to stop and to turn to the righteous path. It's very rare that a woman just dumps her family just like that especially if she has children. In the west they may have instant divorces but I don't think Muslim women just dump their husbands just like that. I have been trying to tell my husband for almost 3 years now to stop this and to turn to Allah and in turn I have been physically abused. Even then I haven't just dumped him even though many people, friends and family thought that was the last straw.

        Saying that, if you go back to what I have written I am not even suggesting to the poor lady to get divorced. We are more or less in the same situation and why I understand where she is coming from the most is the aspect of the children. Allah is the provider and the sustainer-He provides and He sustains. Nowadays most women can look after themselves and their children, I know I could-their lives would probably not consist of grammar schools or holidays but nonetheless I could still look after them. However every woman's situation is different.

        The biggest point where I can totally understand where your coming from is the crucial point that you don't want your children being brought up in a single parent home. Neither do I. And this is why I say why break your family up because of two individuals haraam stolen moments. Because they are doing haraam acts, why should our children become victims? And again I would point out look at the good your husband does because that will really help with your decision. Does he provide for you? Does he love your children? Is he attentive with them? How is he in general?

        The pain can be unbearable sometimes and before marriage I was one of those sisters who truly believed that if my husband commuted adultery that would mean divorce. However with children involved i have a totally different perspective. If my husband was drinking, gambling and committing adultery I would most definitely divorce him because I would not want a man like that as a father figure. However I look at the good in my husband and I pray for the bad and the shaitaan to leave. I am very realistic though and I know that a majority of the time it takes a long time, if at all for a man to break from these ways. So I pray that Allah makes him see but more than that I pray to Allah that He gives me the strength to deal with it and bring my children up in the best posdod way-which is islamically. It is extremely hard when you start detesting the one you loved ever so dearly but for the two innocent souls I would not break up a family. That's my take and I wish Allah swt gives you immense strength and peace, I pray in this month that our husbands turn to Allah and see the right path and that nothing ever breaks your marriage. Ameen.

        Sister Maryam, I don't even know sister Adina but by no means is her speech in any way disrespecful. I can tell she is extremely passionate in that women should not have to suffer, if you do not agree with her points that is something else.

        Anyway May Allah swt bless everyone in this month and take away all the troubles Muslims are facing. Ameen.

        • Dear sister Anon

          You might have misunderstand me.I am not saying every woman have to stay and suffer from her husband committing adultery.I am not married myself but, as a woman I know very much how the feeling would be staying with a husband committing sins like that.It makes me sad when hearing a woman suffers from her husband.But this is which makes us we women greater and stronger and resist every hardship we are going through in our lives.We suffer a lot and be rewarded and blessed by Allah a lot in the world and hereafter.

          I am not saying your faith is weak, is just that when you said, ''sacrificing much is unfair'' your sacrifices will not fly with the wind but that Allah will reward you and bless u in the hereafter.You might face many sufferings and pains in this world but if Allah wills many happiness awaits you in future.I was very impressed when you said you tried guiding your husband from three years and this shows how strong you are as a woman trying to bound your family even the though the issues which are between you and your husband this is the special thing in every woman.I really pray Allah will reward you for your true patience and guide your husband.

          Yeah adultery is a major sin.Before whoever commits adultery used to be stoned to death and this is which makes many people and the time of our prophet to beware of it.And there is no one who commits zinaa so easily like in our days today and not knowing its horrific punishment.I know this Judgement will not be taken in our days today otherwise it could have reduce the adultery which is been committed everyday in our muslim world.

          But at least we can try advising them in anyway we can if they don't take it seriously then that is between them and Allah because to him we return and He will judge them but we have showed them the right way and they refused to listen.Zinaa is a grave sin and it destroys a person but Allah forgives it for those who repented.So, we should not lose hope guiding them to the right path because if you will divorced your husband he will go and do the same with other women too and this will destroy many women's lives and lead our muslim world to corruption this is what I am trying to point out.His guidance is not your hand but he might repent in future.

          Yeah majority of women try to guide their husbands but the country which I am living in has the majority of divorce around the world.And it is the second in rank in the list of the countries which have majority of divorces.After every 5 minutes some one has to divorce his wife and usually it will be about a simple argument,misunderstandings or when the husband is taking a second wife.And many poor women are forced to raised their children alone.Not all women can take care of themselves and their children some are suffering.That's why I am trying to say advice your husband only if possible.

          I don't just want my children to bring up by a single parent but I don't also wish to see my husband in a sin which could lead him to hell fire and I can't do anything. Even if I ask him to divorced me who will certainly do the same with other woman and I would not like to see a woman suffering from him like I have.If I was in your situation to see my husband with another woman I will ask him to take her as a second wife if he truly loves her and treat us both equally because Allah has given men right to marry up to 4 women and treat them equally.Why would Allah give men a right to marry 4 women and woman marry only one man because man have a strong lust from women as it is mention in the holy Quran while we women do not and only stay with one man.If this was been followed by as muslims no one would have cheated on his wife because a marriage saves a muslim for sins.

          I know many women will disagree with me many women reject a second wife but this is something which I could have done I am not asking any of you to ask her husband to take a second wife ''NO'' so PLEASE DON'T UNDERSTAND ME WRONG.Asking my husband to take a second wife do not means I don't respect myself our my dignity but it will make my husband be save from adultery and from looking at other women and harming them.

          Not following our religion is which destroys our lives and we muslim do not see that.Our religion has the solution for everything if we could just open our minds and eyes to see the truth.

          Every women who is suffering from her husband has the all right to separate from him if that is better for her the decision is up to you no one forces you to stay and suffer the right is all in your hand.I am not saying every women have to stay and struggle.I really know how you feel so don't misunderstand me o.k dear.Do what you see is right.

          Take care and may Allah make it easy on you Ameen.

          Your sister Saja.

          • The woman who is having an affair is married and she is not leaving her husband either! Men normally don't want to marry 'the other woman'...they want it easy. They don't want to provide for another mouth and a new family, especially men like my husband!

            Also does it actually say in the Quran that a man can marry up to 4 wives for the purpose of satisfying their lust? If so please can you tell me where?

          • Salaams,

            Islam does permit men to marry up to four wives, but nowhere will you find anything saying "it is for the purpose of fulfilling lust". There are certain provisions, rules, and reasons for polygamy, but lust is not one of them. It's an extensive subject that would require you to do some further research, if you want to understand it fully. Some of our posts on polygamy address these issues, so you can check them out if you like.

            -Amy
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      "@sis Adina: you talk about preservation of women's self-esteem by asking for divorce, so are you trying to say that being calm in times of troubles and hardships is disrespectful? Rather, it is rewarding! What will she get by divorcing her husband? she would be free from her husband. there are no more pros but more cons.
      1. Allah will be upset"

      Are you actually saying that Allah will be displeased with a woman who leaves her cheating husband? So your literally saying that leaving a betrayer and oppressor is something Allah is going to dislike?

      I'm sorry, I find that is completely antithetical to the Quran and Sunnah. Fear Allah. You don't know, you say something about Allah what you have no knowledge of and so you are inventing a lie upon him. SubhanAllah, Allah will be upset because she wants to divorce the one who betrayed and wronged her? SubhanAllah, what is the matter with the people who say such things? I am astounded.

      • "she would be free from her husband. there are no more pros but more cons."

        And find someone better than a betrayer for a husband, a new, righteous husband who she treats well and shows gratitude to and as a result she enters Jannah through whichever door she wants to inshaa Allah.

        So she has a good husband in this life and Paradise in the next. Rather, there are far more pros to this than staying with a betrayer and needlessly suffering through his oppression.

    • Maryam,
      "@sis Adina: you talk about preservation of women's self-esteem by asking for divorce, so are you trying to say that being calm in times of troubles and hardships is disrespectful? Rather, it is rewarding!"
      No, it's not. Tolerating adultery is not at all a matter of surviving hardships and tests from Allah - hardship is a word you use for situations you have absolutely no control over (like getting hit by a car and becoming an invalid, getting raped and so on, being stuck in poverty in societies where poor people have no chances to prospect) - hence why they are HARD to deal with. It's HARD to be HELPLESS and have your hands tied. But adutery is a matter there are several solutions to handling. Ergo, they're not hardships and you don't get rewarded for "surviving" it. Tolerating your spouse's adultery IS disrepectful for the following reasons:

      1. You let your husband putting risk on infecting your body with whatever bodily fluids and diseases he catches from his dirty mistresses. It's disrespectful to yourself to happily and readiy invite filth/diseases in to your body. That's why it's also haram to drink alcohol, smoke hashish and whatnot. It's all filth. If a person really had self-esteem, he or she wouldn't allow anyone to impose AIDS, HIV, clamydia, herpes and whatnot on their body.

      2. You allow your husband to think of you as a cheap woman who has no standards. Since you can tolerate him having sex with whoever he wants to, he's going to wonder, and most probably act upon, many other disrespectful things towards you - because his experience with you is that you tolerate it. So why not? He might be thinking he can hit you, use your money (maybe even on his mistresses)...at some point, he's not even going to hide it from you that he sleeps with other women. Because he knows there'll be no consequences to being honets with you about his affairs.

      3. It's disrespectful for a woman, as a mother, to allow her children to see their father fornicate. Children are not stupid, they will pick up on conversations and signs about what their father is doing. The most important role models in kids' lives are their parents - so your son is going to look at his adulterous father and regard his adultery and misstresses as a normal part of being a man and husband - and he himself is going to be an adulterer towards his wife. And your daughter is going to look at you, her mother, and learn from you what she should tolerate from men - so she'll be toelrating adultery from her husband, too. Psychological studies back up what I'm saying; things like tolerating violence, alcoholism and so on is hereditary. It's just really bad parenting.

      4. It's disrespectful to children that their mother use a lot of her energy to be in pain, depressed, upset, sad...because of her husband's cheating. This means, she neglects her children. The energy she should use on her children, she uses on dealing with her husband.

      Those are SOME of the disrespectful aspects of remaining in a marriage with an adulterer.

      What will she get by divorcing her husband? she would be free from her husband. there are no more pros but more cons.
      As brother Mahmoud mentioned, she gains a lot more than this. She gains her self-respect, she gains her rights, she gains her focus on her children, she gains the freedom to marry someone else who's going to be a faithful and decent Muslim husband. Divorce doesn't mean that children lose one parent - a lot od children who have divorced parents have contact to both of their parents. And that's what it should be like.

      1. Allah will be upset
      No, He will not be. Allah has Himself said that adultery is a ground for divorce. So Allah will understand when you take Him up on His word. If you don't think adultery is a good reason to make use of the divorce option, then when exactly do you think divorce is rightful? When husbands have put their wives in to coma? Maybe even then you'd post hadiths abut hos the woman in coma is going to hell.

      2. children will eventually feel the empty place of their dad/mum (whoever they stay with after divorce)
      No, they will not. As long as children still see both of their parents, it's going to be fine. It's a totally misunderstood idea that married parents - however horrible they are together - are better than divorced parents. That's absolutely wrong. If a marriage brings distress to one parties of the marriage, then that's definitely going to rub off on their parenting skills. I see it with my own family members who remain married for the sake of remaining married. They are so wrapped up in their marital problems, that the children are neglected. To an extend where some of they don't even have respect for their parents. Because their parents, still married, have never really acted like parents.

      3. Single parenting plus being the only earning member would be difficult and you would be busy to spend quality time with your children.
      As if a mother who's depressed over her husband's adultery is going to be a dedicated mother who spends quality time with her children. You're actually delluted. Wow.

      I have ahadith to back up my opinion. Your opinions might be logical in your point of view but why don't you think in terms of the true spirit of islam? Islam has given both sexes equal importance. If you fail to understand this, then you are very pitiful.
      What you have done is to pick and choose hadiths on your own and put meanings to them that are incorrect. If you're such an Islam conscious person, you would know that you can't use hadiths out of their context. You just can't.

      And stop mixing two different subjects together - I know you're just doing it to distract the attention away from all the points where you've failed to make sense. We're not talking about equality between men and women here, we're talking about adultery. Stick to that subject: adultery.

      The sister in trouble should try to show her husband the right path.
      Why? It's not her Islamic responsibility. That's not her job when her husband is lying, not admitting to his wrongs and continueing his haram behaviour. He obviously WANTS to commit zina. What can a wife do about that?

      And, sis Adina, learn to be respectful to others. You can also point out others mistakes in a decent way. Remember, your speech depicts your personality.
      I'm not going to take your advice as I think your views are unislamic and wrong, and I basically don't take anything you say seriously. I take advice from people who have better ways of doing things than me, not worse ;).

  13. Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

    I can tell you, if I had a wife who was cheating on me, I wouldn't be staying with her out of fear of going to Jahannam or Allah being upset with me. This is utter nonsense. I would use my God given right to divorce her on the spot and look for someone better. SubhanAllah, the batil ideas that infiltrate this ummah....fear Allah whoever is suggesting this. Is it Islam that we humiliate ourselves to other humans and accept their oppression?

    This batil idea can ruin peoples lives. Misinterpreting the hadith warning against a woman divorcing is a severe thing. Inventing a lie on Allah....saying Allah will be angry with a woman who leaves her betraying, thalim husband...subhanAllah.

    May Allah provide you sister, with a better husband than the one you have right now if you choose to leave him. It is NOT your responsibility to make him a better person. It's his responsibility to be faithful.

  14. islamqa.com/en/ref/172983

  15. i have delt with a cheating husband i have forgave him but he did it again so now im going for khula they are not worth the stress trouble and problems that occur because of them please sister think and rethink again before you take decision i am going threw so much and allah is helping me get threw this it is so hard at times i have kids and its me aginst the world no one supports you family relatives you get out casted as a divorcee inshallah allsh will make things better for all ov us

  16. Haha. People like you corrupt this world by assuring others that it is not their responsiblity to remind others of the straight path.

    • Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      May Allah forgive you, insulting is not going to help you. No on is denying the obligation to enjoin on what is right and forbid what is wrong. However, it is not the obligation of the wronged person to constantly endure injustice all the time while advising his oppressor to fear Allah and stop doing injustice. No, he should stop the injustice and tell his oppressor to fear Allah.

      This woman should certainly remind her husband of the straight path. But it's likely that divorce is a good option in this scenario. Enjoining on what is right and forbidding what is wrong does not entail constantly enduring betrayal and oppression. If I found my wife was cheating on my, I would say, "you committed a sin, so repent, whoever acknowledges their sin and repents, Allah relents to them and accepts their repentance." And I would divorce her without a second thought. I would never stay with a wife who did such a thing.

      Divorce is halal, and in many cases, a good thing which opens the doors to other good. Inshaa Allah this woman will find a better husband who she can advise to the straight path, who she can behave well with and enter Paradise with and who will be a good step-father to her children.

      Abdullah ibn Mas’ud reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Verily, the first deficiency in religion among the children of Israel is that a man would meet another and say to him: Fear Allah and leave what you are doing, for this is not lawful for you. Then he would meet him the next day and find no change in him, but this would not prevent him from eating and drinking with him and sitting in his assemblies. When it came to this, Allah led their hearts into evil on account of their association with others.” Then he recited the verses, “Those who disbelieved among the children of Israel were cursed by the tongue of David and Jesus the son of Mary. That was because they disobeyed and were transgressors. They would not forbid one another from the evil they were doing. Wretched is that what they used to do. You see many of them becoming allies of those who disbelieved. How wretched is that which they have put forth for themselves in that Allah has become angry with them, and in the punishment they will abide eternally. If they had believed in Allah and the Prophet and in what was revealed to him, they would not have taken them as allies, but many of them are defiantly disobedient.” (5:78-81) Then the Prophet said, “By Allah, you must enjoin good and forbid evil and seize the hand of the oppressor and make him follow the truth and restrict him to what is just.”

      Source: Sunan Abu Dawud 4336

      Grade: Hasan (fair) according to Ibn Hajar

      عَنْ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ مَسْعُودٍ قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ إِنَّ أَوَّلَ مَا دَخَلَ النَّقْصُ عَلَى بَنِي إِسْرَائِيلَ كَانَ الرَّجُلُ يَلْقَى الرَّجُلَ فَيَقُولُ يَا هَذَا اتَّقِ اللَّهَ وَدَعْ مَا تَصْنَعُ فَإِنَّهُ لَا يَحِلُّ لَكَ ثُمَّ يَلْقَاهُ مِنْ الْغَدِ فَلَا يَمْنَعُهُ ذَلِكَ أَنْ يَكُونَ أَكِيلَهُ وَشَرِيبَهُ وَقَعِيدَهُ فَلَمَّا فَعَلُوا ذَلِكَ ضَرَبَ اللَّهُ قُلُوبَ بَعْضِهِمْ بِبَعْضٍ ثُمَّ قَالَ لُعِنَ الَّذِينَ كَفَرُوا مِنْ بَنِي إِسْرَائِيلَ عَلَى لِسَانِ دَاوُدَ وَعِيسَى ابْنِ مَرْيَمَ إِلَى قَوْلِهِ فَاسِقُونَ ثُمَّ قَالَ كَلَّا وَاللَّهِ لَتَأْمُرُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ وَلَتَنْهَوُنَّ عَنْ الْمُنْكَرِ وَلَتَأْخُذُنَّ عَلَى يَدَيْ الظَّالِمِ وَلَتَأْطُرُنَّهُ عَلَى الْحَقِّ أَطْرًا وَلَتَقْصُرُنَّهُ عَلَى الْحَقِّ قَصْرًا

      4336 سنن أبي داود كِتَاب الْمَلَاحِمِ إن أول ما دخل النقص على بني إسرائيل كان الرجل يلقى الرجل فيقول يا هذا اتق الله

      المحدث ابن حجر العسقلاني خلاصة حكم المحدث حسن

    • Sister maryam,

      I don't know how old you are but the things your saying about a wife tolerating her cheating husband is something that my great grandmother would have said because she was in poverty, she had no other means of welfare other then her husband so she tolerated it. But if a women has choices why should she put up with it?? Most loving wives desperately want their husbands to change but if the husband himself doesnt want to change there is nothing the wife can do about it. How long does she have to be patient 1 yr, 5 yr, 10 yr or untill she dies! Then her whole life was in misery and in vain! After her death the husband will still continue the evil deed. The islamicqa link you posted also states divorce as an option.

      Ill tell you a true story about pateince in vain! My husband cheated on me amongs other things, when i caught him i tried to put him on the stright path and help him change. He promised he would but then he was having affairs at work on holiday being more careful. But I caught him as he is clumsy and again i was PATIENT and got relatives involved to show him the right path. This went on for 5 years! Me trying to be patient and trying to change him into a better person and him trying to get away with cheating! I even got a call from one of his girlfriends who asked me " I have never seen a women like you who is ok with her husband having affairs with other women!" Thats what my husband saw me as a doormat who tolerated sins! I finally had enough! I knew he will never change! I wish i divorced him 5 years ago! My so called patience was all in vain! I acheived nothing but misery! I wasted my lifd on him now i got no education snd dont have s good job to support my kids all because i wasted my time trying to help my husband change. There are good and bad people in the world, you have to accept somd people are bad and dont change or don't want to change!

      After divorce i feel a million times better! Better to be single then to live with a cheating husband and deal with daily torment!

      I

      • May Allah guide us all to the right path and give us more knowledge.

        You are being too harsh to sister Maryam.You might have understood her the wrong way and not getting what is she trying to point out.Allah will not get upset with a woman who leaves her cheating husband, but Allah will get upset by ending her marriage with a divorce and did'tn try to save it.Divorce is halal but is the most disliked halal by Allah.

        Whenever you have any issue with your husband many ways are there to deal with it and not always divorced is the first option.

        Her husband had cheated on her by chatting with other girls.He had committed a sin and Allah forgives every sin accept associating with him.So, why r u too harsh and pointing him as a fornicate'r?.Making mistakes or sin is part of every human nature.And every human-being on this earth has to make a mistake whether it is zinaa or any other mistakes they are all sins.As our prophet(p.b.h.h) said (Every son of Adam makes mistakes,).

        Bearing this fact clearly in our minds will put things into our proper perspective, so that we should not expect people to be perfect or infallible or judge them according to what we think they should do, and then consider them to have failed if they make a big mistake or error repeatedly.We should deal with them in a realistic manner, based on our knowledge of human nature which is subject to ignorance, negligence, shortcoming, whims, desires and forgetfulness.

        By using our brains which Allah had gifted us we will clearly understand this fact and will also prevent us from being greatly shocked by the kind of sudden sins that could lead us to react in an inappropriate fashion.This will remind us to enjoin what is good and forbid what is evil and that we are too humans and could also make the same, so we can deal with a sinner on a footing of compassion rather then harshness or judging them, because our basic aim is to reform and not to punish.

        Yeah, their guidance is not in our hand but in the hand of Allah, but it does not mean that we should leave people who are making mistakes alone while we know its punishment, or finding excuses for those who make mistakes on the basis that they are not fearing Allah, not being faithful or they won't listen or stop their sins.Our prophet(p.b.u.h) said(''None one of you will believe until you love for your brother what you love for yourself'').(Bukhari and Muslim).Like you want to be clean from sins why not you clean others from their sins?, and say it is not responsibility?, while Allah have said we are the best among all Ummah who enjoin what is good and forbid what is bad.Search in surah Al-Imraan verse number (110) were Allah said(''You are the best of peoples, evolved for mankind.Enjoining what is right, Forbidden what is wrong'').Now is this verse not showing to us clearly as the Ummah of prophet Muhammad to advice people if they did wrong.

        WE SHOULD AVOID HELPING THE SHAYTAN AGAINST THE ONE WHO MAKES A MISTAKE, BY SAYING IT IS NOT OUR RESPONSIBILITY! and asking other to avoid that person.Umar Ibn al-Khattab reported that at time of prophet(p.b.u.h), there was a man could Himar (donkey), who used to make the prophet laugh.One day he was brought to the prophet drunkard prophet Muhammed said ''Rebuke'' him.; So they turned to him and said, ''You did not think of Allah, you did not fear Allah,you did not feel ashamed before the Messenger of Allah.'' Then they let him go some of the people said, 'May Allah put you in shame!' the prophet said, ''Do not speak like this, do not help the Shaytan against your brother.But say 'May Allah have mercy on you'.) Saheeeh al-Musnad.

        NO ONE IS PERFECT IN THIS WORLD, AND NO ONE WILL JUDGE WHO IS GOOD OR BAD.Whenever you see someone doing wrong advice him and not to point him out as a sinner u don't know if that sin could jump back to you so beware! on judging others mistakes.If they did not listen in the calm way then in the harsh way but our intention should be showing them their mistake so they will correct it and not to point at them and called them sinners which lead do commit even a greater sin.

        You are thinking that adultery is the biggest and grave sin and that this sister have to divorced her for it but do u know a greater sin then that which is Gheebah (Backbiting)!?.Now ask yourself how many of us backbites his brother or sister in their absences?The prophet(p.b.u.h) once gave COUNSEL to Abu Dharr (R) saying ''Oh Abu Dharr BEWARE! of backbiting, for BACKBITING IS GRAVER THEN ADULTERY (ZINAA)''. Abu Dharr said; 'Why is that so' 'Oh Messenger of Allah?''.He replied that is because when a man commits adultery and then repent to Allah, Allah will forgive him, but a backbiting is not forgiven until forgiven by its victim''.(AL-Hurr al-Amili Wasai'l al-Shi'ah'' vol.8 hadith no.18312.

        If a wife could divorced her husband over adultery then what if she says she wants to divorced him over backbiting?, are going to take it very serious like adultery and ask her to divorced him?.Many of us ignore the dangers of backbiting.We should not look at others mistakes but look at ourselves r we not committing any sins?, are we faithful to Allah?.Do we feared Him?.If u r a perfect human and different from other humans and not committing any sins then u can judge, and ask this sister to divorced her husband while you still exposed to shaytan and his evil plans which will make u yourself commit a sin like that, A person may start as a good person and end as a bad person, and a person may start as a bad person and end as a good person.

        Only ask Allah to keep us on the right path and pray for those who r lost from it.

        And sister Maryam I will say u they are some people who will not understand you even if you speak 1000 words to them, And they are others who will understand you without saying a word.I am with u and I have understand what r you trying to say.

        • Sister seriously - dont try creating a group here and get into debate. You two have completely taken this conversation off the track. You both dont read and keep going on about stuff that is irrelevant. I wouldn't be surprised if both of you are same person..

        • Marriage problems should not be always solved by divorced.Everyone is having a different problem some could be worked out and some could be ended with a divorced.But not everyone should divorced.

          When people get married because they think it's a long time love affair they will get divorced very soon, because all love affairs ends in disappointment, but marriage is recognition of a spiritual identity.Whenever you meet someone you love and wish to marry him, don't think w if he says ''I love you'' he will love you forever, or when he says ''you will be my only one'' means he will never cheat on you.

          Always keep in mind that something will changed.Then this will make the pain easy on you and the shocked and deal with it like every good wife should to her husband and her children.

          -A married couples should always be open to each other.
          -Share their secret with each other.
          -Share their pain and sorrows with each other
          -And not to lose their temper if anyone of them does something wrong to the other.
          -And always try to understand each other's mistakes and always try to solve it the best way which could please both of of them.
          -And they should remind each other of Allah.
          -And they should have patience and forgiveness.
          -Show love,compassion,care and trust to each other.

          This will make your partner share everything thing with you even if it is wrong cause he knows you are his good wife who love him and will always correct him and show him the right thing cause from mistakes we learn how to live our lives.

          But if you don't trust your husband and let him explain to u why he had done wrong to u and be too harsh and lose your temper it will make him lie to you to save himself like how your children did if they break something and you asked them who break that? they will lie to u because they fear your punishment on them.Imagine if your son or daughter did the same sin like your husband r u going to kick them out your house?.

          If you be patience over your husband bad attitudes and keep on with your life caring for your kids, it will not show that you are a cheap woman accepting whatever your husband dose to you but will make you the best wife ever, and makes your husband ashamed of himself by cheating on a good wife like you.Though you know his mistakes but you still love him and care for him and prepare for him his favorite meal and get up at every night and ask Allah to guide him.Day by day he will come to realized his mistakes if Allah wills, and make him know he was having the good wife all the time but keeps on dating cheap girls outside.This will make him love you forever and with this you can ruin the plan of shaytan who is trying to destroy your marriage and separate u from your husband with whom you have built a lot of hopes and dreams.

          Whenever you caught your husband cheating on u do not lose the control of yourself just be calm because now shaytan had pushed him into the hole of sins and if u not hold yourself and start abusing him or calling him a cheater or with any other words, he will fell even dipper to his sins and then you will allow the plan of shaytan to be success on you both which is divorced and that's why Allah disliked divorce, and divorce is the best deed of shaytan.

          But if you have already expect such thing will happen it will make u not be to very shocked.Ask him ''why dear, I am your wife and I love you, and I am the mother of your kids, why could you do so to me?.'Am I not fulfilling your rights?, do u found something missing in me?.Use your brain sit down with him and know the reason why he did so to you then only you will know whether you have to divorced him or not.

          If every marriage will end in any betrayal then what is the used to get married?.Can you say if I will divorce my cheating husband my life will be better?, and that I will get a better husband?.What if that all did not happen?.Can you make your future by your own and think everything will be as you planned?.You have the same plans with the first one and you have seen how it ended with you both.Can you grantee that the second one will not do the same as the first one?.If so then how?.

          And if he turns out like your first one are u going to divorced him too?.If you keep on divorcing in each marriage which turns out not as you wish, then when are you going to have a straight marriage?.

          Marriage is not only based on love or choosing the best wife or husband.Many challenges awaits each married couple.So, we have to know marriage is not that easy to be happy forever, but they are many things which suddenly happened.Many times you would see a couple love each other and not having any issues with each other but yet they face many pains and sorrows in their life.

          So, we have to know Allah did not made us to be in this world for joy and happiness.Cause sometimes Allah breaks your spirit to save your soul.
          sometimes Allah breaks our hearts to make us whole.
          Sometimes Allah allow pain so we can be stronger.
          Sometimes Allah sends us failure so we can be humble.
          Sometimes Allah, takes everything away from us so we can learn the value of everything he gives us.

          So, a true believer dose not thinks cause of something that's why he or she is not happy.A pain is something everyone in this world has to feel it whether rich or poor and not to think because of so and so person my life is full of misery but it is a test of Allah to see how good,faithful and patience we r.As Allah says (And we test you by evil and by good).Surah Al-Anbiya'a verse no.35.

          And He also says (Be sure we shall test you with fear, And some loss in goods, lives and the fruits(of your toil), but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere.Who say when afflicted with calamity; ''to Allah we belong and to Him we return''.Surah al-Baqarah verse no.155 and 156.

          Sister Sumaira, Is sad what have you been through.You have not have a true and the real patience with your problem that's why it did not work for you Allah knows best.It was a test from Allah to you, to see how patience r u to a pain and how will u deal with it.When u came to know your husband cheating on u, you have patience and tried to guide him.Yeah, is good what you have done but his guidance was not in your hand and u can never changed whoever u wish, u tried all the ways and did not work for u, but you missed one way that is turning to Allah and ask him to guide your lost husband.Have u tried that?

          DON'T! EVER EVER THINK PATIENCE IS A WASTE OF TIME!.Read hadiths and verses on patience and see how a blessed who have patience at the time of hardship is, That's why Allah test us to see how faithful we r and not to think this world has everything we wish.If Allah did not answer your prayers on this world he will answer it in the hereafter.You can never have patience to your pain for 5 years or for the rest of your life and you will not see the result of it.Allah will never ignore your patience to a pain in this world but that he reward you in this world or in the hereafter.But u must be true in your patience and not to wish every pain to end very soon.And not having faith is which keeps us asking why so happening and not knowing the real reason for which cause it to happened.

          But you have chosen to quite, by letting your jealousy and anger of seeing your husband with other women is which have make your life misery.You could have been calm and think of a better way.Or pray that Allah will show u the right thing to do.I pray for Allah to choose the best for u.

          You have to know a life of a marriage is not that easy, is a life of trust,forgiveness and patience.If we don't have that we can never stay in a marriage.

          Make plans but understand that we live by Allah's grace.

          Your sister Saja.

          • Sister Saja,

            I wasnt being harsh to anyone. I apologise if i sounded harsh. I was just giving my perspective as a person who has been through this. I understand about being pateint and i have been patient for 5 years! Of course i prayed to Allah all the time for my husband to change i also prayed isthikara before making any decisions. Allah showed me clear signs that he will not change and he himself left! I didnt ask him to come back again as he told me i have to accept his behavour or else leave him. Divorce was my LAST resort.

            Sister you cannot reason with these people. They do not care about What ALlah thinks! They just want to have no strings attached fun! Thats why ALlah made hell and heaven! If a women can change her husband then their shaytan will retire. Then ALlah would have not created hell!

            We are not born to suffer the injustice of a bad husband! I live to worship ALlah. Allah does not ask as to live a life of hardship he wants us to remove hardship unless its not in our hands such as death and fire flood etc. then we need to pray for strenth and endurance to get through it. But if a husband does not want to change why are we inflicting this hardship on ourself? Why? To gain what? This is the reason ALlah allowed divorce when marriage becomes intolerable. Allah has given us a choice to free ourself from hardship. Why continue to stay in the fire and burn when there is a way out?

            I have kids. Whilst suffering with the cheater i got severly depressed. I could not eat or sleep or pray. All i could think about was how to change him. All i felt was pain phisically and mentally. I was so ill i could not take care of my kids as my husband negleted them while he was out sinning. He did not care about anyone. As i result my son got severly ill. Still my husband didnt give a monkeys about his kids. My kids were scared of their dad and hated him. I was harming myself and my kids for this one person who didnt care! I couldnt put my mind to prayers or fast i kept getting sick or work. The bills were coming out of my ears. At one time my kids went hungary as there was no money cause of my husband. I couldnt teach them about islam cause i was preoccupied with my husbands affairs! I was harming myself and my kids so please tell me how staying with a cheating husband forever will help me and my kids in this world or the hereafter?

            I know some women who have been murdred by their husband because they stayed to try to change them and in the process lost their life. We do not live for our husband!

            Alhamdullilah now ALlah has given me peace of mind. I am able to look after myself and kids. I have sent them to a good place to learn about islam and now my son can pray. I can work and pay all the bills. There is enough for food and clothing. My kids are much happier too. I am able to give them a hubdredh percent of my time now. My sons health has improved too i have been able to take proper care of him. All of this was not possible when my husband was around!

            Sister come and tell me your story when you are in this situation. May Allah forbid. May ALlah give you a happy marriage and a faithful husband.

          • "Though you know his mistakes but you still love him and care for him and prepare for him his favorite meal and get up at every night and ask Allah to guide him.Day by day he will come to realized his mistakes if Allah wills, and make him know he was having the good wife all the time but keeps on dating cheap girls outside.This will make him love you forever..."

            I'm sorry sister Saja, but you're living in a dream world. When you allow a cheater, abuser or oppressor to continue with impunity, it does not humble him or make him see the error of his ways. It does not make him love you. Just the opposite. It emboldens him and makes him lose all respect for you.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • THANKYOU SISTER SUMAIRA i totally agree with you

  17. Sister Maryam, please don't confuse the sister who needed help. You are not helping. This is not a debate so please don't take this personally and put yourself in her shoes for real. Its easy for you to say a lot of big things but if you are there - trust me - you wont stick by own words.

    • May Allah guide you brother! I am not sister Maryam this is something silly?.to keep on commenting with different names?.Don't judge without an evidence!

      And I am not debating but to show the truth if Allah knows what I am saying is not wrong.I don't care if you disagree with my advice, all I wish is that Allah will make this sister choose what is right for her that's all so please don't understand me wrong.

      Use your brain!.This world does not rotates by itself things do not change by their selves.You really have to learn and learn more about your religion islam.If I were in her shoes believe me I will never divorced, but I will have patience and pray Istikahara to see if I have to stay or divorced.Not passing through the same what she is going through do not means I did not understand what she is going through.All of as suffer with many things in life.I suffer with many things in my life and it makes me feel pain, she is also feeling pain by what her husband does so am I!.Our problems might be different but we have the same pain by losing something in our lives.

      And I have only agreed with sister maryam on having patience at the time of hardship.

      May Allah give us more knowledge to Islam and open our eyes to the truth.If I am wrong I pray Allah will forgive me.

      • Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

        You don't know how traumatizing it is to be cheated on and then told "don't leave, just endure this, this is a test from Allah, you must be patient and try to forgive him, if you don't try this Allah will be upset."

        You have no reason to say Allah will be upset. SubhanAllah, we do not say about Allah what we know not.

        SubhanAllah, do dayooths go to Paradise? If my wife cheated on me I would divorce her, not stick with her.

        I certainly wouldn't tell someone like Sumaira, "you have not had patience with the trials of Allah." SubhanAllah, how dare I make such a judgement?

        It is NOT the responsibility of the wife to humiliate herself and bear with patience the husbands betrayal.

        Do not invent false ideals of righteousness.

        "It is confirmed in the Sahih;

        «مَا يَنْبَغِي لِلْمُؤْمِنِ أَنْ يُذِلَّ نَفْسَه»

        (The believer is not required to humiliate himself.) He was asked; "How does one humiliate himself, O Messenger of Allah'' So he replied;

        «يَتَحَمَّلُ مِنَ الْبَلَاءِ مَا لَا يُطِيق»

        (He takes on tests that he cannot bear.)"
        http://www.qtafsir.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=766&Itemid=

        Besides-why should I want to change my cheating spouse? Why? Isn't it enough that I want the person to be punished for betraying me? There aren't legal punishments for this type of behavior? Why should I stay with an oppressive spouse and try to change him/her when I can divorce and get married to someone better and more worthy? I'm supposed to be stuck in this oppression until they behave?

        SubhanAllah, ya Ummah of Muhammad, how easily you get lost!

        • i agree with you brother Mahmud. People like Maryam or Saja are ruining Islam who will talk as if they have met Allah. we should keep our mouth shut what we don't know. Really makes me angry when they keep talking about stuff which they are not sure about. Sorry i can't be polite anymore.

        • Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

          I don't like that you are upset or feel everyone is bullying you. I think you misunderstood what I and others are saying.

          • Mahmud, I removed the rest of your comment as you are just repeating yourself but in bold now. I also deleted saja's last post. The argument has gone on long enough and I am closing the post.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  18. As-salaam alaikum and Eid Mubarak to all!

    Wow cannot believe the doormat doctrine of 'Maryam' and 'Saja'.

    The act of adultery is a major sin and the punishment is severe, for it harms the victim spouse, the children and both parties families. It is a completely evil act of betrayal and encompasses lying, deception, fraud and disrespect.

    The hackneyed phrase 'a leopard cannot change his spots' is so true when it applies to adulterers and to say that the more a victim spouse tolerates this will lead to them receiving no respect is also true.

    No soul shall bear the burden of another. So how can the two afore-mentioned women suggest that it's the wife's fault that her husband strayed and needs to straighten out her husband? For Allah will not change the condition of a person until they themselves change it first. I really dislike it when women are not empathetic to another woman's suffering it's a very backwater mentality.

    Listen to Sister Sumaira, she is travelling along the path you fear to take. As am I and I had the same fears of having children from a 'broken home'. But put your emotions aside and apply clarity of thought and logic. As it's so true that a mother going through the trauma of being cheated/fear of being cheated on cannot devote quality time to the children.

    Allah is the provider and for me Al-hamdulillah, once I finally dispensed with that vile, philandering weasel, I felt at peace and that life is so much better. I don't only mean when I physically severed the 'bond' but mentally let go of all those feelings of hurt and nonsense. As once you're over it you won;t believe you allowed yourself to have been treated like that.

    IMO, it is better to divorce him if you know he has cheated. If you are in a western country make sure he pays child support and put your faith in Allah. An adulterer just casts a black cloud over the household and you will never feel at ease. This life is only temporary so it doesn't matter anyway. You have the legacy of children at least, as I know divorcees who are childless and would rather be a single mother than just alone.

    • wa alaykumusalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      Eid Mubarak to you to.

      And may Allah replace you with someone better.

      الْخَبِيثَاتُ لِلْخَبِيثِينَ وَالْخَبِيثُونَ لِلْخَبِيثَاتِ ۖ وَالطَّيِّبَاتُ لِلطَّيِّبِينَ وَالطَّيِّبُونَ لِلطَّيِّبَاتِ ۚ أُولَٰئِكَ مُبَرَّءُونَ مِمَّا يَقُولُونَ ۖ لَهُم مَّغْفِرَةٌ وَرِزْقٌ كَرِيمٌ

      http://quran.com/24/26