How to deal with parents and their approach to marriage?
Assalamwalaikum,
A bit of background on my journey. I travelled to the west seeking a better work opportunity, and Alhamdulillah I have managed to make myself independent in many ways. The short version of my past -for those who haven't read my previous posts- is that I had made some mistakes in the past, and took quite sometime to recover from my past mistakes and wounds. To make things better or worse, I also have a dysfunctional family to support. Anyways, after getting over my past issues, emotional baggage, rectifying my mistakes and making amends to my own self... I felt confident now, and felt in a position where I could fulfill half of my deen, i.e. get married. So the next logical step would be to find someone compatible as a life partner.
Let me briefly tell you about my parents expectation from my wife. My father's expectation was simple and clear. He wanted me to get married to someone who is an Alima and of good deen and character. As for my mother, she wanted me to get married to someone who is more of a home-maker type. By home-maker, she actually meant someone who would be subservient to me and not have worldly ambitions. To give you a bit of background, I've observed my mother and other womenfolk in our family/culture to be much subservient to their husbands which I think has both pros and cons. So I see on one extreme subservience as a quality and on the other extreme is complete autonomy... as Islam always suggests to find a balance when faced with two extremes I felt it would be best to seek a quality that is in between the two.
I'm happy with what my father expects... if a person has good knowledge of the deen and is of good character, then why not! ...but I am not as much happy with what my mother is expecting. Personally, I would be happy to support my wife if she has worldly ambitions that are not materialistic. I would actually admire an ambitious quality in my wife.
Keeping my parents expectation in mind, I came across and met a sister who is an Alima but without either of our parents knowledge. Now, I know that Islamically I have to take the permission of a sister's guardian before I talk to her, and I told her that I'd want to speak to her father before I got to know her. However, she felt insecure to tell her father as she did not trust me at the time nor did I fully trust her... and that makes some reasonable sense! So we got to know each other for some time with the pure intention of getting married if we were compatible. We mainly had conversations through e-mails and electronic media, and only met once in person in a public setting. We kept our conversations absolutely modest, and were open and honest with each other about many aspect of our lives. Just to be clear, neither of us were blinded by love or romanticized each other, and Allah knows best that we were only trying to gauge our compatibility with each for marriage. After a few weeks of getting to know each other, I found her to be very much compatible with me, and wanted to marry her and she felt the same about me. So we both made Istikhara and decided to take things forward to tell our parents.
I was optimistic that my parents would be happy as I felt she would meet everyones expectation in our family. Although she has some worldly ambitions which are non materialistic, her childhood and upbringing clearly shows that she is a responsible and mature sister who can handle responsibilities of being married as well as cope with her own life goals. So I told my parents about her and contrarily to what I hoped, they became livid and upset with me that I considered someone without their permission. My mother uttered words like "what sins have I committed to bear a son like you" and "Allah won't forgive you for this" and "I'd have rather died before seeing this day" and made dua for her own demise in her anger. This is not the first time that I've heard her say such things to me. While I have grown a thick skin to her words now, what she said to me is always going to be etched in my heart and mind. What's worse is that she would not even consider her, and moreover accused her of being untrustworthy. She guilt tripped me as though I did something as grave as zina, Astaghfirullah. My father didn't say anything and simply cried along with my mother. I remained silent through all of this even though there is a lot I wanted to say to my mother. There wasn't anyone I could tell about this situation who could have intervened. Even if there was someone who could, I don't think my mother's heart would have changed. She made it impossible for me to reason with her as all her responses were only emotional and her arguments based on past unpleasant experiences during the time of my brother's marriage. Anything I could say or do would only cause her more pain.
I couldn't imagine in my wildest of dreams that this is how my parents would react. So I informed the sister of my mother's ill and inappropriate reaction and she was quite understanding. Although it was heart-breaking for us both, we decided to part ways for Allah's sake and accepted that the result of our Istikhara was not in our favour.
My mother never seems to miss an opportunity to remind me by taunting me and making me feel bad about this whole episode instead of understanding my pain and helping me cope better. Moreover, as she has many medical issues, she sometimes says things to suggest that I am giving her stress and tension which is why she is getting all her illnesses. Although I laugh around, put up a smile, be happy and good to them, and pretend as though nothing's happened for my mother's sake, I feel bitterness and resentment towards her and my father in my heart. I can and will never share any feelings of any kind to my mother now because time and again she's only proven that she cannot be trusted with emotions.
My parents are now saying that I cannot marry anyone until they have considered a sister for me first, and that sister should be someone from our network of families from "back home" who has seen the sister grow up. This sort of makes my mother like a filter for the person I choose to marry, and her recent behaviour has only proven to me that she doesn't have the best of judgment that can be relied upon. Even though there are decent girls from back home that my mother wants me to consider, it seems like an illusion of choices and I feel like I'm being forced to marry against my will now. So I have some questions that keep lingering in my mind over and over again. If my story sounds of a familiar kind to you, then I would like to know what your thoughts are, and I will appreciate any advice to move forward and make things better.
I have a bit of an ego problem here, I think... why should I consider someone my mother says when she gave no consideration to my choice? Atleast if she rejected my choice for a good and valid Islamic reason, I would have accepted that... but now why should I consider someone my parents are saying even though -no matter who I choose- it'll never be someone that I've actually chosen but my mother has already considered her for me?
As a man, is it more right (or even Islamically acceptable) for my parents to consider a spouse for me and only then I can consider that sister? Have I done something wrong by seeking a spouse for myself? Even if I'm wrong, is my mother right to have uttered the kind of words that she did, be it in her own anger or ignorance?
The whole process of find a spouse, and getting married seems so much more complex these days. First, parents expect you to be educated... then you have to be financially responsible and emotionally mature which makes sense in some ways. After you meet that criteria, the expectation is for you to have good deen and character which still makes sense. Now, the there is a new expectation, you have to pick someone we "the parents" choose, are happy with, and is from our family network. Then when you meet that expectation, there is a new one to do with how you live your life, and where you make investments with your time and wealth... and when you meet that one there is another expectation to do with your children, and it goes on and on and on. I have come to realize how it's so much more easy to commit zina instead, and not have to deal with any expectations, Astaghfirullah (obviously Allah's punishment is far worse than dealing with these expectations), but the reality is that some parents are making it really difficult for their children to get married. What should a man do in cases where he comes across a sister of good deen and character and both are happy to get married in the rightful way, but his parents do not agree? Is it Islamically mandatory to seek a spouse who meets our parents expectations? Is it more right to sacrifice your choice of spouse for your parents happiness and well-being?
I'm finding it really difficult to forgive my mother now, even though I be good and kind to her. Just to be clear again, I am not as much upset about her rejection of someone I considered, but the way in which she reacted and rejected without any consideration of the sister and my feelings too. The kind of words she's said makes me cry at times, and this is not the first time she's said such things. She says that "I'm naive, don't know any better about western girls", and that she has "the best interest at heart for me". If I am naive, then she should enlighten me with what she knows, right? But instead she'll say that "I don't trust her". Well, why does she not trust me? If I am naive, then I should not marry anyone because I won't know what was wrong anyway after I get married to who she wants, right? And what makes her an expert on the lives of western girls when she herself is from the east? My mother definitely has the best interest for me at heart -I don't argue that- but her over-protectiveness of me is suffocating me. I'm not daft to do something to hurt myself or ruin my or anyone else life. Nevermind her arguments for saying no, but it hurts me that I can't tell her how much I'm gutted for the other things that she's said. Even if we share the same roof, we are distant and I find so much more comfort in being alone. I can't talk to her about marriage anymore because anytime she tells me about considering a girl I feel like I'm being forced. Should I consider someone she says and force myself into getting married for my mother's happiness (I would still keep my duties to Allah of being a husband, but I really wouldn't care about who I choose now nor have any expectations)?
JazakAllah for having the patience to read my story. I don't know anymore what I should do in regards to marriage now. First there is this ridiculous process to get through, and even after you get married, Allahu'Alam what Allah would test me with if I do marry anyone. No spouse, no annoying kids to raise, no obligations, no expectations to meet, and best of all... no tests from Allah in regards to marriage ...I'll be alone, and have lots of time which seems a lot easier, fantastic, lol!
- Khiskisay
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There are certain criteria that one should look for in a woman. A big one is her deen....nothing about how back homey she is or if your parents picked her.
If she is of good character, and is local to you in the west and you trust that you are compatible....marry her anyway.
Parents who just want to control and guilt trip you will do that for the rest of your life.
Your mothers illness is her problem, she brings stress to herself, one cannot make anyone else Ill.
I am not saying go against your parents, but I am saying if you like this sister and she has good character...marry her and don't miss out on a good woman because your parents are dramatic.
Meet her parents, ask for her hands, see what happens. Talk to your parents, be kind to them, but you are not disobeying them by finding someone by yourself. People meet others in many different ways, it doesn't have to get your parents network.
I agree to all of what you've said. As far as this sister is concerned, yes we did trust in our compatibility and shared a mutual feeling to get married in the rightful way with our parents consent and blessings. However, she did not want to marry me if either of our parents were unhappy with us getting married, and so we have heart-breakingly gone our own ways now. Its too late, I've already lost this chance.
I'm confused, is this the result of my Istikhara? or just me being stupid by not having made a stand for what I really wanted to do?
One day when I came home after work, I found my mother feeling really ill and saying things like her end was near and she's going to die soon, and to look out for my brother and baby nephew after she's gone. She started having fits and was behaving in a manner that I thought I would need to rush her to the hospital. This moment scared me a lot, and it happened the next day after I opened up to my parents about the girl I wanted them to consider. I feared my mum's health and well-being. But the next day (after agreeing to not marry the person I wanted to), she was feeling much better.
I understand that marriage is the beginning of a very important chapter in our lives but to start this new chapter by making our parents upset, is that right? I wonder if Allah or Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) would approve of something like this?
I fear that if I go against my parents today by getting married against their wishes and happiness, then Allah might test me through my children in a similar way in the future, Allahu A'lam (I know I can't predict what Allah will test me with, and I fear His tests a hell lot) ...and this thought itself scares me to upset my parents. However, at the same time I can feel that what my mother is doing is not right either.
I say that I've forgiven my mum, be good and never show any of my pain to her. But deep down I'm hurting, and just want to be alone and I know I can't live in isolation forever. The optimism I once felt about being a responsible father, an amazing husband, etc. etc. is all lost. To be honest, I don't know what to do about marriage anymore... maybe its not for me!?
The hadith on marriage states that you should marry someone for their beauty, wealth and faith. Islam does not require you to marry someone who will make your mother happy. Your obligation toward your parents is to speak kind words to them and to take care of them as they get older. But it does not extend to you giving up your right to marry whom you choose. Honestly, your mother is engaging in a form of emotional blackmail that is very common in Indo-Pak families. It is not "Islam". Think about it - the reason we marry is so that we have companionship and someone who will care for us throughout life, as well as to have children who will be the source of joy in our lives. We don't marry so as to accomplish our parents' objectives - they should be happy with whomever you choose.
Your comment is on point as usual, however I must correct your interpretation of the hadith. First, to quote it:
"A woman is married for four reasons: her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her piety. So you should marry the pious woman otherwise you will be losers."
- Narrated by Abu Huraira, in Sahih al-Bukhari & Muslim (Book 62:27, Marriage)
The Prophet (sws) was saying that women are customarily married for those things (wealth, status, beauty and religion). Those are the things that society generally values. Out of all of those, however, the believer should choose the pious one in order to be successful.
The hadith is commonly misinterpreted, unfortunately.
Commentary By Imam An Nawawi:
Mentioned in this Hadith are the various reasons why we choose our wife. Another Hadith tells us that he who marries his wife for her money or her family will finally become their slave. Whoever marries ONLY for her beauty will find all his troubles will come from this beauty. But he who chooses his wife for her chastity will be at peace which is the fundamental basis of life. But this does not mean that a woman cannot be chaste and at the same time beautiful and from a good family. Only a pious woman is in the true sense faithful and obedient to her husband who has himself good conduct. Such a couple not only lead a happy life but its future generation is also brought up on the right lines with the help of such a woman, otherwise you risk spoiling the future generations. For this reason, while selecting a wife, one should give preference to religion over all other qualities.
Riyaadiss-Saliheen (The Meadows of the Righteous)
Chapiter 45, Page 121, No 364
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
you're right, I didn't remember the exact wording of the hadith so I just summarized the gist of it. Your version is totally accurate.
my brother when i started practising my life be came much better. i spend some time in tabligh jamaat in England .There i built my iman and learned how to properly pray salah and learn to read properly the quran . All of this and gave me the drive and power to marry a alima . My friend from the materialistic women to the weak in faith Allah guided me to the best investment i made.I have seen many women before marriage but when i met this person i became interested .She had 3 days of bombardment of questions until we agreed that we should get nikkah. i only seen my wife 3 times before i got married. Everybody whose weak in faith will be against it.This how shaitan works. Since then it has been a 11 yrs are love has grown are relationship has been good and we enjoy eachothers company.We must have balance and know that everything is a test in are life. so be prepared. eg. A learned wife has strong foundation she will tell you go to mosque and pray ,wake you up for tahajjud and pray for you when sick.My friend a pious wife is your ticket to jannah and if you think were all hard core.Nooo think again my 9 year old is a blk belt in taewondo,swims on weekands afterschool madressah 2hrs mon to fri. summertime we put her in a sport of her choice and camping. Islam should have balance but stick to daily schedule or else theres imbalance and shaitan will attack.For a worldly girl you get no peace of mind and if you dont have money your down. good luk
Masha'Allah brother Raul, I'm glad that you have a wonderful wife and that you both support each other in deen and dunya matters. May Allah make your marriage a means for you and your wife to be closer to Him in the akhira, ameen! I agree with what you've said, and the sister I was considering to marry was an Alima too, and we felt mutual compatibility with each other... but my mother did not agree for me to marry her and was really upset about it.
Brother don't kill your life by marrying someone of your parents choice. Your making a big mistake by not standing up for the girl and for your rights. If you do end up getting married, inshAllah your parents will see that your happy and eventually like the girl. So sad to see how parents can be so uneducated and curse their kids. I am not saying to disrespect your parents but it's your life and your happiness that you would have to think about. I rejected a guy because his family wanted him to marry someone backhome of their choice and the guy didn't fight for me.
Silly me, I've already made the mistake. Much like your potential spouse, I didn't stand up to my mum for the woman I wanted to marry, and the sister ended up parting ways with me. One way or another, I knew I was going to loose. But can you imagine a mother lying ill and attributing her distress to you because you chose to marry someone she did not want you to and see's you as a cause for her misery? Basically, that is emotional oppression ...which is not right but I tolerated that anyway cause she was "my mum". I didn't think about my happiness in that situation and put my mother's well being over it.
How can I start on a new married life when my mother is suffering? Or am I being stupid and naive by undervaluing myself? Did I really do something wrong by forsaking my right and not standing up here?
I understand what you're saying though about my parents cursing me in the manner that they are doing. I think you're right, I don't think its fair that I should get married to someone they've already chosen.
You need to read a book on how to raise children and avoid their tantrums and apply it to your mom. Also, there's a box, your job now, is going to be to think outside of it.
For example, take that girl you really liked. Go talk to her and say, hey I really like you and I do want to marry you so can you help me out. Give me your family tree, I need to know where your family tree meets mine. And then you have her uncle's, sister's, cousin's, niece's, Aunt call your mother and say hey, "Do you have a son? I have girl I'm looking for" She sends a picture over, your mom brings it to you, you give it the same dismayed sad look with repulsion that you've been giving all the other girls but this time you agree to meeting them. You meet them and say, "Fine, I guess I'll marry this one forever to give you guys momentary happiness". They feel grateful and you get married to the girl. I know this is a pretty shady technique but seriously, what is up with these parents wanting to find a sister who is pretty much from the same gene pool to the point that she might as well be a real sister.
The other way to go about this is the age old tradition of "I cry more than you do, and no, I don't like that one either". Until they're like, we're frustrated just marry someone already.
In all fairness though your parents are looking for someone that is good for you that they can guarantee will be good for you. Slaves are great for that. The girl they would get from back home would be from a culture that treats men really well, she would be financially dependent on you and thus grateful for what you provide and also have no means of escape. And would have little choice but to treat you well. That's the kind of guarantee their looking for. You, and that other girl that has a job, well, you get fat and or bored with her and she's out cause she doesn't need you to provide for her, she's got a job. That's what their afraid of. And once the two year honeymoon period is over you have two working people, kids in daycare, and two possibly conflicting careers. But it is a balance, you should get the marriage you think you can work the best. Pick a girl from the ones they are getting, get the girls you like to talk to your parents, pick one yourself that you can stick with but base the marriage on how well you can work it past the honeymoon stage. Good luck.
Lol, you just made me realize how difficult it is to raise a child who's my mum's age. Its a good thing that I realized this sooner, now I don't want any kids. 😀
Hahah, that family tree idea might just work as her lineage is from a place that is not far from my birth city, and it is by Allah's will that we ended up in the west and our paths crossed. It could have just worked. Anyways, I don't want to dwell on the past any longer cause what's supposed to miss me could never have got to me.
My mum is currently staying with my elder brother and she see's his marriage in a very disappointed way although the relationship between my mum, brother and his wife is really good now. My brother married a girl here, and initially there were quite a lot of problems between the in-laws and the girl. However, with the coming of their son (my baby nephew) things got reconciled and everyones like one big happy family, lol! My mum is quite afraid that the same story that happened with my brother would repeat with me... and she is not ready to reason, and will not change. My mum will have all the horror stories to tell you about getting married in the west, and she won't listen to any of the happy stories.
My mum also thinks in a way that if I marry someone from the east (and from our family network back home), then my marriage will be successful and easy. I don't understand how she gets this rosy picture because I've always thought that marriage requires two peoples effort to make it successful, and how can anyone say that a person from east will be better than a person from west!?
If I can't stand up for what's right, good, and falling weak to pathetic reasons only cause of my mum, then it shows that I myself am not strong enough to defend another persons rights. I don't think its the right time for me to get married anymore. This entire episode has been really difficult for me and I'm fed up with all the nonsensical emotions surrounding marriage. If I marry anyone, its going to be on my own terms now and treat my parents in a way that Allah and His Messenger (PBUH) have commanded us, no more, no less. Anyhow, your advice about which girl to pick has really given me a new perspective. Jazak Allah for your advice! 🙂
If you marry a girl of your parents choice, how would the girl feel knowing that you married her because your parents want you too, and you don't really want her happily. She deserves someone that happily wants her and to share the rest of the life.
Another thing, be careful if you marry someone back home. Recently I been hearing that once a girl comes to the western country, green card is processed then she divorces the man, and apply for her whole family to come.
I agree with you, you're right. I don't see the justice in marrying a girl for my parents sake, and the girl would definitely deserve someone better. I am not going to marry any girl my parents choose because I can't shake the feeling that I'm being forced.
Yeah, unfortunately it does happen quite often that some women intend to marry a person only to get out of their country. I know for a fact that if it was announced back in my birth country that I'm up for marriage then there would probably be a line of sisters waiting to see me, lol, and I'm not saying this in any boastful or arrogant way. Some of these sisters won't be interested to know anything about me, but you just tell them that I live in the west and their all ears and ready to do anything. However, there may be girls who are genuinely looking for a brother with good deen, and it won't matter to them whether he lives in the east or west. There was a girl my mum wanted me to see who was kind of ready to marry me, and I asked my mum what the girl knows about me, and my mum said 'well, she knows that you're my son' ...what's that even supposed to mean!?
Its best I don't get married to anyone, I'm too tired of all the nonsensical emotions here. I'd rather be alone yet again. I guess this is Allah's way of making me emotionally stronger and letting me know that this isn't the right time to be getting married.