Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband cheated on me, should I forgive him?

making up

I recently got married in February to my boyfriend of two years. I have always known that boyfriends are harram but I did so anyway. It is a sin I live with and try to repent for as much as I can. I lost my virginity to my boyfriend and also fell pregnant. I had an abortion, not for myself or him but for what it would have done to my family. i would rather suffer than have them feel anything of what I did. It kills me every day that I did what I did. killing my own child. I was too ashamed to seek guidance and so did the only thing I thought I could.

My boyfriend at the time was not Muslim. In fact I didn't expect us to ever last. He had a play boy and party boy reputation and I wasn't like that. After the abortion I went away for a month to my cousins wedding and decided that I would come back, break up with him and continue my life the correct way. This frightened me because I had already started to love him, but knew I could never dedicate my life to a non muslim. We had never broken up and me going away was just a holiday that had been planned for a while.

On the day that I got back he picked me up and told me that he had been thinking while I was away and that he wanted to convert to islam and get married. I was so happy and we continued as we were. He had started making drastic changes in December. I had come back in August. The following year I found out that he had cheated on me throughout the whole first year of the relationship. He had continued a relationship with another 2 women. one of whom thought he was her boyfriend even though he says that was never the case. She always wanted more from what they had and he would never give it to her.

By the time I had discovered this we had already got a place and were getting ready for the official engagement. At the time I thought it was only two people and it was a spontaneous thing that had ended when I came back from being away. We are married now and he is so good to me. He doesn't drink, he prays, fasts and is so good to me and my family. But I recently found out about the other girl and now I don't know what to do.

Before we got married I had asked him if he had told me everything and that there were no lies between us. He said yes. i feel that he has betrayed me and I feel as though I no longer know my own husband. I want to leave but it hurts so much. What does islam say? i know I have been a bad person and I too made sins, but it was only ever him. What do I do? Leave or try and work it out. I cry all the time with how much it hurts.

If I had found out at the time he was cheating I would have left, but i found out a year after. After he had changed and became a better man. I can't sit alone without thinking about it and I'm suffering alone, because I am too ashamed to admit what he did and to even admit I had a boyfriend. What do I do? i find this subject so hard to let go of. I really do love him, but I feel he doesn't deserve me.

I need help, I don't know what to do. i am truelly suffering and now my health is being affected. am I to love and stay or move on and accept my pain?

Thank you,

zainab


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23 Responses »

  1. As salamu alaykum zainab,

    My beloved Sister, there is only one way for this situation, you can do it, Forgiveness, but begin from the begining, begin to learn to forgive the woman you were and the man he was, with Allah(swt) help and guidance, insha´Allah, what you have done you know it already, what you need is a glimpse of hope that your marriage will have an opportunity to survive, insha´Allah, but you have to make your best for it, I am sure your husband will do it without any doubt, insha´Allah.

    Zainab, many people come here because they are not able to forgive the past once they know about it, you have a past and you are still struggling with it, I am sure your husband too, when he converted he came clean as a just born baby from all his sins, Allah(swt) gave him that reward, you said all this happened before he converts, then why don´t you give both of you an opportunity to get closer to Allah(swt) to heal the deep wounds that the abortion caused in both of you, to forgive your past and each other, with His help and guidance, insha´Allah.

    You have a link on tawbah, dua and Istikhara on top of the page, you can read them and that together with your salat on time, reciting the Holy Quran, the Names of Allah and His Attributes will help you to improve your situation, insha´Allah.

    All my Unconditional Respect, Love and Support,

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • salaam'alayk.

      you said and the names and attributes of the prophet[saww] will help you improove your situation.

      how can the names of the prophet[saww] improove this situation.

      what do you mean by this.

      dont you mean the names of Allaah such as al ghafuur/ghaffaar, muhaymin etc and learning how to impliment these names?
      what do you mean by the prophet[saww] name, what can this do.

      we should DIRECT people in need to Allaah, not anyone else, nor any intermidiates.not the grave of the prophet[saww] etc.

      we should ask them to go the nook of Allaah and the authentic Sunnah.

      • It was just a typo on Maria's part and I have corrected it. She meant the names and attributes of Allah SWT.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Wasalam alaykum, Umm-Az-Zubayr and Wael,

        Thank your very much for pointing out my mistake and for correcting it.

        Jazak Allahu Khayran

        María
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Dear Sister,

    What happened in the past with your then boyfriend is in the past, you should leave it there. You are now married and even you yourself tell us how wonderful a man he has become. Remember...he isn't married to any of those girls, he chose to be with you. I know it's hard to let go and look beyond it but you need to in order to build a strong relationship and foundation for your lives together.

    Peace

  3. Assalamu alaykum Sister Zainab,

    Your remembering it may bring either of the two things - continuous ill feelings, sadness, suspicion, doubts and loss of trust and tears or a separation from him to escape all this.

    Forgetting about it, thinking of Allah's reward to Him to bring him to Islam, Allah's reward to marry you even after you had something haraam and you turned to Him and He made you get love in a halaa way. Few lovers are lucky enough to be together in halaal way after a haraam past. So thank Allah for guiding you and make this "past" as an oppurtunity to "fill" your love life with so much love that neither he nor you would like to remember the past, but would always love the present, to be in presence of each other and hope for a better future from Allah.

    May Allah give love and mercy between your hearts for each other.

    Also make it a habit to read Qur'an with each other with meanings. Spend some private time in company of Allah together by praying salaat together or reading the Qur'an together seeking His blessings and pondering upon His revelations.

    The Qur'an is the healing for broken hearts, Insha Allah.

    Salaam,
    Your brother.

  4. salaamu 'alaykum.

    it is a sign that you have been forgiven if you regret,cry when you remember what you did before.
    and Allaah will inshaallaah forgive you via this trail.

    with regards to this so called revert, THEN LEAVE HIM, and tell him if he truely believes in Allaah and is a mu'min, then he deserves to be stoned to death IF he penetrated that other woman IN her vagina WHILST he was married to you.

    with regards to taking him back, sister, wallaahi, dont ever take him back, because he has polluted the YOUR bed, and has taken the sweetness away from your bed.
    you will forever remember it everytime you are with him.
    so seek a better husband inshaallaah.

    and advice him to make sincere tawbah to Allaah [swt] as he commited a major sin.and to seek another wife also.

    • Umm Az Zubayr,

      The stong to death is from the Jewish customs and has nothing to do with Islam.

      Allah states clearly in the Qur'an that after punishment of adultery, "those who do believe and good" their reward is with Allah.

      How can a person believe and do good after he/she has been stoned to death.

      May be you should Insha Allah, read the Qur'an and know for yourself the punishment prescribed by Allah.

      I would not like to go in long debates, as I already did it with someone else and have spent hours and written a firm reply which clearly proves (from the Qur'an itself) that the narrations about "stoning" are made up stories.

      I hope Allah will insha Allah open up your eyes to the Truth of Islam.

      Salaam,
      Your brother.

      If you wish to recieve more

      • brothermuniib, for as long as i read your advice on this site, i have seen you give the best of advice, but i cannot believe that you deny the punishment of Ar-Rajm whilst the prophet saww in saheeh bukhaari and at-tirmithi has ordered for SIX people to be stoned to death.
        in the most authentic ahadeeth.

        a ady by the name ghaamidiyyah was stoned, and a man named maa'iz ibnu maalik, 2 of six i remember their stories.

        please donot fall into disbelief!

        'Umar [ra] would say "i fear that there will come a time when the punishment of stoning will be abandoned by the people"

  5. I am in the same situation as you.

  6. i really need some advice from the person who asked the question and how shes doing now. I'm in the same situation. please help me

    • Asalaam alaikum Sister,

      There are many threads on this subject, and since the Editors would prefer you to submit a separate question, please do so. However, you seem quite desperate, and the number one criteria is to examine yourself and determine what your life is now versus what it was pre-marriage. In this post, the woman is clearly saying that these affairs were before marriage and now that her husband is married to her, he is faithful, God fearing and very loving to her.

      If this is the case with you, then lay your worries to rest and remember that if you were dating beforehand, there was no real commitment under the laws of God or to each other that was acceptable to Allah (swt). So He took you both our of a haraam relationship and lead you to the halal and Right Path. Do not think of your haraam/dating relationship as something to hold in virtue over the halal marriage that you have now. I say this only in regards if your husband is faithful to you. If he is not while you are married, then that is another issue altogether.

      Think of this: if you feel this way about him dating others in the past before you were married, when you were both committing a sin, what do you think Allah (swt) thought of you at the time? Have you asked for forgiveness of past sins and thanked Him for the bounties of your life?

      Now that you are in a loving marriage (hopefully), how do you think Allah (swt) looks at you now?

      Think about this for awhile and see what it means to you.

    • All of this needs to be written in a separate post. This post is for sister Zainab to get responses to her situation. Please do not continue this thread here.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  7. That is what i keep trying to tell myself. my situation is slightly different. I found out before we got married or were on the right path. I am not married to him right now and I have the choice to marry him. He is asking for my hand in marriage. Should I marry him and simply recognize the past as a sin altogether and not a betrayal to me? I'm doing istikhara and I keep seeing him with the woman he cheated with, defending her, etc. Idk what to do.

    Thank you for your help. It's nice to know there is someone out there I can talk to.

    • Walaikum salaam,

      All praise is to Allah (swt), so thank Him and not me. He is the beginning and the end of all gratitude, mercy and forgiveness.

      I also say that to emphasize a point: do you feel this man is close to Allah (swt), that he wants to get closer to Allah (swt) and that he will lead you onto that Right Path, as well? Is there a real conviction on his part to start doing what is right because of Allah (swt)? Do you feel ready that he is the one to be your husband, in this regard?

      About your plight, answer these additonal questions:

      1. Are the past relationships completely over? Has he broken off all contact, deleted phone numbers, photos, facebook friends, etc.? What does he say about this situation?

      2. Has he left those friends and people who enabled his past behavior of multiple relationships behind, that either accompanied him or encouraged him to?

      3. What are his plans for the future, in all respects? Deen, family, work, etc.?

      4. Can you accept that your past with him, if you dated and fornicated, was also a sin?

      5. Have you both asked for forgiveness and repented to Allah (swt), by stopping the actions of dating?

      6. What does he expect of you? What do you expect of him?

      7. Most importantly, do you feel he will bring you closer to Allah (swt)? Will you do that for him, as well?

      Think this over. If your answer to point 5 is "no," then there is a reason for this inner conflict and it's beyond just feeling something about this man. Ponder and reflect, yet again.

      Though people often dismiss dreams, they can be a reminder of our fears, our desires (good and bad), etc. Yet, keep them in balance with reality.

      It's important to keep introspective of your own limits, pray to Allah (swt) seeking His guidance and only lose your emotions with Him, so that you may find the true essence of what marriage means to you and what your life means in the Grace of Allah (swt). Pay attention to your istikhara in light of these questions, as well.

      This does not mean that the man or woman must be perfect, but that their respective lives, intentions, actions and love are in pursuit of wanting the pleasure of Allah (swt). Keeping this in mind, it will help you to gauge the depth of this marriage proposal.

      All praise is to Allah (swt). Praise is a form of worship. Worship can be realized in the harmonious and loving marriage. Is this possible union then, in praise of Allah (swt)? That is the goal, the intent and the secret of marriage.

      We are nothing, individually or united, without Him.

      • That was a beautiful response, thank you. We have stopped dating and don’t talk anymore. He has totally changed with regard to contact with other women. He wants to get a PhD in Islamic studies and travel and have a family. He has left all those friends and we have both accepted it was a sin and I have asked for forgiveness. All that is left is whether or not I should forgive him for betraying me or just forget about him and move on. I don’t know.

        Once again, Jazakallah for the helpful insight.

        • Asalaam alaykum,

          Alamdulillah, it seems that the biggest issues of repentance have occurred through your actions, respectively, especially regarding dating and other non-mahrams. Subhan'allah.

          His goals sound noble. Islamic studies can be intense, so keep this in mind, especially with travel and starting a family. However, when you take one step towards Allah (swt), He takes ten towards you. It's a beautiful life that I have witnessed myself by knowing several scholars. One in particular speaks so fondly of his wife in his lectures, that it truly is inspiring to know how Allah (swt) blesses those who seek Him. I have read many lovely stories of several scholars and their wives, so it is a blessed married life.

          You know, our hearts are very willing to give everything to another person because the feeling of being loved is so comforting and rewarding. When we feel that we are in love, we smile non-stop, our joyous demeanor is noticeable to everyone around us and people comment to us, "Oh, looks like someone is in love!" We enjoy the teasing, we feel like we are floating on air and everything is sweeter in our life.

          To find out that during this time, you were being betrayed, is hurtful and devastating. It's as if the heart says, "How could you allow me to fly and yet, set my wings on fire at the same time?" I think perhaps, when you first discovered it, you had the sheer emotional impact of reality slam into you, as if a train ran right into your chest. You may have felt that you couldn't breathe, choked on your cries and then, as you shook in sudden gasps, asked, 'why?'

          Yet, you rose from that heartache because God carries His servants even after they have sinned. He is merciful to the oh, so forgetful and unmindful. He waits for you to realize as you bow down to Him in humility and shame that you owe Him so much and have done so little to deserve His blessings. And there on your prayer mat, as you cry to Him and admit your wrongdoing, echos the revelation:

          Holy Qur'an Chapter 2, Verse 186:

          And when My servants ask you, [O Muhammad (saw)], concerning Me - indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me [by obedience] and believe in Me that they may be [rightly] guided.

          So now here in this place of seeking forgiveness and repentance, comes this opportunity of a marriage from the man who is also trying to lead onto the Right Path. In this case, make dua again to Allah (swt) and ask for His Will to be done unto your life. Make your utmost commitment to Allah (swt) and then do something positive about this situation.

          Contact a wali, if you don't have one already. As a guardian can look at the situation objectively regarding your situation now. Do not confess about the past however, and always keep it a secret. Instead, use your guardian to come up with questions for your potential suitor. Not just for this man, but in general for any man.

          Set some time aside for yourself this weekend and make a list of things that you want, that you dream about and what you wish your marriage to be in service to Allah (swt). You will use this as a reminder of what you have always desired and as your own gauge when your receive interest from a man.

          Privately, write the stipulations of your nikkah. Things that you will ask for upfront, clauses that must be adhered to and those things which you will never tolerate, i.e. cheating. This is for yourself until you are ready to make your nikkah, so keep it safe and update it from time to time.

          All this is meant for you to start thinking realistically, practically and objectively about what you want and desire in marriage. This is a healthy and an important thing that we forget about when love comes knocking and we get caught in its' whirlwind. So before you allow the emotions to get the better of you, do this as soon as possible.

          And then, ask the same from him in an email, so that you can read it, but do not turn yours' over, yet. Request his "initial draft," so to speak. Where does he want to study, when and for how long? How soon will you start a family, how many children and over how many years? How will you live, travel and afford it, etc., etc.

          Look at this process intellectually at first. Why? It is then that your mind will begin to reason whether you can open your heart again to this man or whoever may come into your future, if not him. Also, it will allow you to know how serious he is, as well. Which will lead to the next important matter.

          Sister, the main issue you face is not of other woman, but it's an issue of trust. No one can force it on you and it is hard to earn it sometimes. I wrote a few days ago to a young brother who has having issues with his fiancee's past that trust is everything. So much so that trust is the essential component to love, respect and faithfulness. Without it, the latter three are futile.

          Trust is akin to that of Prophet Yusuf (as) when the king's wife and the women lusted for him, he trusted in Allah (swt) more than his own self and his own desires and called out for help.

          This is the power of trust granted to us by The Almighty Lord. It is a very noble and weighty thing: a mountain and foundation of honorable emotion inside of us. It is the essence of our character, our love and our faith. The degree of it, is who we are.

          I usually do not recommend this to women, because rarely have the men reformed in the way you say this gentleman has. So I suggest to you, dear Sister, objectively think of your marriage ideas and read about his and ask your wali's opinion. Pray to your Lord often and seek His guidance. And if your heart can trust him and he is on the Right Path, treat him as you would want Allah (swt) to treat you: with forgiveness.

          • wow. Another detail is that he committed all of this before he became Muslim.

          • but I just cant help the fact that I feel like a victim. I don't know what I am going to do but you are helping me through so many emotions on this lost forum on the internet. May Allah reward you for all the people you help and make your life as perfect as I hope mine to be. Ameen.

          • Also to add, he told me what he had done and collapsed for me to help him. He threatened to kill himself. At that very moment, I realized why I was Muslim and I shared the Quran with him and the stories of the prophet. He converted after a series of arguments we had as a result of my turmoil and the pain he had caused me. I was disgusted with him, but felt the strange need to help him. So I did. And now he’s Muslim. Now I’m questioning if I ever should’ve helped him in the first place. Maybe I should’ve just said good riddance when he admitted to what he did. I feel like everything is drained from me because I helped the man who hurt me so much. And now I feel like he doesn’t deserve me. I feel like we met on haram terms and we shouldn’t get married. But I just don’t know if I should forgive him. For now, my trust is wholly with Allah (swt), thanks to your advice.

          • All of this should have been written in a separate post. "Anonymous", if you want further advice, please log in and write your question as a separate post. Any further comments unrelated to sister Zainab87's situation will be deleted. Everyone else waits their turn, you can do so as well.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  8. Apologies. I put in a request for the question. I hope Professor X can find it, he was of great help in this very pressing situation.

    my username is onequestion.

  9. I have had worse times...

    (Remainder of comment has been deleted. If you feel that you want advice on your situation, then please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

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